You might be finding yourself in relationship dynamics where you are being too accountable.
If you are not sure what this means, take a moment and go back to the last post about this here.
I’m going to be honest with you: making a shift in a long standing dynamic is not usually easy.
Usually changes like this happen because you have tried everything else and it hasn’t worked. So, if you are in a spot like this, I see you. It is not a fun place to be. And, there is hope.
Let’s start here: in every situation, each person has 100% responsibility for their contribution.
That’s right, if you do the math, the pie of responsibility does not add up to 100%, it adds to up to 200%.
Because every person is 100% responsible for their own feelings, actions, words and energy they bring into a situation. And, because these are the places where each person actually has control.
Obviously, you can have an impact on another person, but, ultimately, they have control over and are responsible for how they respond.
Does that make sense?
Alright, now given this reality, let’s go to the next step:
Setting up an agreement.
If you are going to make a shift in your relationship dynamics, it is best if that can be made clear and that you both can agree on it.
In a moment of harmony, see if your loved one would be willing to try a new way of talking through problems that come up.
There is no need to point out that you have been taking on too much blame. It’s just going to set up a defensive dialogue. The truth is you have both been responsible for creating that dynamic. It is not one person’s fault.
Propose that when an issue comes up, you will both bring to the table the parts of the issue you are responsible for. You can even share this post with them if you’re not sure how best to explain it.
If one person has a hard time seeing their part, they can say that: “Honestly, I’m not sure where I may have been contributing here”. Then the other person has permission to lovinglypoint out what they might say.
This is not an opportunity to blame. As long as you want the conversation to remain productive.
Let’s look at an example that happens all the time:
Your friend is always late. When your friend shows up, maybe they apologize for being late. You say “no worries”. Or when they show up and don’t apologize, you say nothing. But you are bothered.
Their 100%: being late.
Your 100%: allowing it by either saying “no worries”, saying nothing at all or building up resentment.
Why does it matter to both be responsible?
ONE: Solving issues is faster and more productive.
Essentially you have two people working on an issue rather than one person.
TWO: Everyone is more empowered.
This way you are actually responsible for what is inside your locus of control. You can actually effect change. And you are not waiting on someone else or feeling terrible about yourself.
THREE: Being responsible is a way that you care for yourself and the relationship.
You would not want your child shirking responsibilities because you care about them being their best. If we are being honest, you would not want to be showing up as less than your best. Showing up as your best in each moment, a version of yourself you can feel good about, is a way that you care for yourself.
You care for your relationship by speaking up about what is happening between you. By ignoring things that bother you, you are letting resentment build between you. That will eventually dampen your connection or cause a breakdown.
Finally, the important part to bring this all together….
Make sure you do your work.
There are so many ways to work on yourself.
Read books on the subject related to the area you want to grow.
Talk to a friend who does this well and see how they do it.
See a therapist.
Work with an Emotion Code Practitionerto release trapped emotions that may be contributing to a difficult relationship dynamic.
Start a meditation practice.
The list goes on…