Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
In today’s world, artificial intelligence (or AI) has made its way into most everything, even therapy. There are tools like ChatGPT that can be helpful for insight, reflection, and language. So using AI for support is not necessarily a bad thing. But there’s a point …
What is hyper-independence? It can be a coping mechanism that you develop as a result of not having your needs met early in life or when you experience interpersonal trauma. You may feel the need to do things yourself and won’t ask for help because …
Hard conversations make everyone sweat a little. Especially if there weren’t great examples for how to handle hard conversations growing up.
So, because they’re unpleasant, it’s tempting to try and avoid them. But ultimately, sometimes not having the conversation requires more work than actually having it.
Let’s talk about why this is true and then we’ll get into some quick tips that can make hard conversations easier to approach.
Being fake, covering up feelings and managing resentment that’s building every single time the issue comes up, actually takes up a lot of your emotional bandwidth. It can be very stressful.
Telling white lies (“yeah, we’re good”; “oh, no I was just busy that’s why I didn’t respond”) also takes up mental bandwidth. You find yourself typing then retyping messages to figure out what to say or consulting your BFF for help; and then if you give an excuse or make up something to say you have to keep up the story. It’s exhausting!
What if you just don’t want to see the person for a while? Then you’re figuring out how to not run into them and altering your timing or plans.
We’ve all been there. Now that I’m laying it out…can you see how much work is going into not having a hard conversation?
Is the conversation actually that hard that you need to do all that? Are you saving yourself some stress or creating more?
Of course, there are circumstances that may make it unsafe to have a hard conversation with someone. That does happen sometimes and if there is a possibility that it may not be safe for you, then it’s great to talk with a professional about how to deal with this situation. If you feel like it is not safe to have open dialogue with someone close to you in your life, please reach out and contact us.
Otherwise, even if nothing is going to immediately change, it’s important to practice having hard conversations. It is possible that the hard conversations you need to have now will lay the groundwork for change later.
So, what are some ways to make hard conversations less hard?
Keep the conversation short and sweet. Say the basics:
This happened or this is the circumstance.
This is how I feel about it, what’s this like for you?
Let’s talk about how we can move forward.
This could be sharing news that might not be great or it could be a repair conversation (which is when you talk through something hard that happened and you want to repair the relationship). If it’s a repair conversation, check out this post.
“Be clear and specific in your own mind about what you want to accomplish; don’t just go into the conversation with a vague negative feeling and an intention to let it out.” (Soeiro, Loren. “7 Tips for Getting Through Difficult Conversations.” Psychology Today. May 25, 2021. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/202105/7-tips-getting-through-difficult-conversations)
Sometimes anxiety about a situation can make it seem more complicated but it really doesn’t have to be complex at all; you just need to express what you’re feeling. Going into the conversation with a positive mindset, knowing what you want to say and how you would like it to go can reduce anxiety.
Having a hard conversation is not something that should be rushed. Make sure it’s initiated in a moment where everyone has the time and attention to give to the conversation.
You will want everyone involved to feel relaxed and like they have the time to express what they want to say and they are not cut short.
Also, don’t drop a bomb on a text or while you’re rushing out the door.
Check out our blog post here to learn about this technique. You will need to accept the fact that it’s going to be uncomfortable leading up to it, but you can do hard things!
If you are trying to talk yourself out of having a hard conversation with someone, consider the impact if you DON’T have the conversation.
Do you really want to go on hiding and making up stories in order to avoid what really needs to happen, which is being truthful and talking it out?
Having a difficult conversation is a way to grow as a person and to strengthen your relationships with others.
It may not be easy but it is necessary for your peace of mind and to move forward. If you need help navigating a difficult conversation or relationship, contact us today.
Throughout your life you will connect with people you encounter at school, work, and in your personal life. As you develop relationships with different people you will need to utilize a variety of skills to maintain positive, healthy relationships that make life more enjoyable. In …
It’s a big decision and investment to start therapy. So we want to give you a little information on what to expect so that you can go in with awareness and clarity. The first 6 sessions The first part of therapy is getting the …
If you’ve read self development books, been to therapy, studied psychology or follow emotional intelligence, therapy or trauma informed accounts on social media, chances are you’ve developed a good deal of self awareness about your “stuff”.
We’ve all been handed experiences or circumstances in our lives that are traumatic or deeply challenging in some way, and learning about the impact of that is CRUCIAL if we want to break generational chains, so we can live and do better.
There is a point of diminishing returns when all we have is an intellectual understanding of it. However, staying in an intellectual place about it can be a defensive strategy in disguise.
Sometimes this is what’s actually in the way of making progress. Let’s break this down.
It’s a defense mechanism. The APA dictionary of Psychology defines it as a defense mechanism in which conflicts or emotional problems are dealt with abstractly or concealed by excessive intellectual activity. This means that in order to avoid emotions that are uncomfortable or cause stress, people use intellectualization to reason about a problem.
Defense mechanisms are unconsciously employed when thoughts or emotions are too overwhelming for the psyche. They are protective mechanisms and if you’re human, you use them. The goal is to know about what they are and which ones you use regularly. (check out our previous blog post for more info on this)
One way to know if you are intellectualizing is if you feel disconnected from what you’re talking about. For example: you tell a story about a traumatic or challenging experience, but you feel nothing.
Self awareness is when you can evaluate and manage your emotions and behavior and understand how you come across to others; you are connected to your emotions and can identify them.
“Intellectualizing emotions, then, is the process of giving emotions to the mind by articulating the emotion — the why and what, the potential causes, the related thoughts and cognition — rather than just feeling it.” (Derisz, Ricky. “What does it mean to intellectualize emotions?” Goal Cast. www.goalcast.com/intellectualizing-emotions/)
If you feel like you’ve told the story a million times and still don’t see where it’s having an impact in your life. You might say “the past is in the past”.
If you often say things like “I have abandonment issues” and nothing really changes, it might be because understanding them and referring to that understanding is the bulk of the work you’ve done around those issues. The result of iIntellectualization is staying stagnant. The next step is to work through the feelings you have associated with it. This requires practice.
First of all, it’s huge to have self awareness in the first place, now you’re just going to build on that.
Notice when you get triggered. Being triggered means you have an emotional reaction to something and it is more than just feeling a little uneasy.
“Feeling triggered isn’t just about something rubbing you the wrong way. For someone with a history of trauma, being around anything that reminds them of a traumatic experience can make them feel like they’re experiencing the trauma all over again.” (Cuncic, Arlin. “What Does It Mean to Be ‘Triggered – Types of Triggering Events and Coping Strategies” Very Well Mind. March 10, 2022. www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-triggered-4175432)
A trigger can come from within (internal) or it can come from your environment (external). It’s OK if you don’t understand your reaction, but notice when it happens. The feeling causing the reaction is the connection point. This is where you can actually make a difference. For example: if you have abandonment issues, you might feel really triggered when someone doesn’t respond to your messages. Working with those feelings (rather than just knowing it came from your childhood) is what makes the real difference.
A therapist can help with this. A therapist might do some somatic strategies with you to support you in completing emotion. Or it might be helpful to do artwork (we do art therapy here at One Heart with Registered Art Therapists) to process triggers or emotions or suggest ways to approach healing behaviorally so you can learn to respond to triggers in a more healthy way.
Make sure you are not just using labels like, “well, I self abandon” and then just stop there as if that’s how you’ll always be. Once you have self awareness, it’s important you work with that awareness so you can grow through your experiences rather than simply repeat them.
It can feel so good to understand why you do what you do, which is why it is so helpful to learn about human behavior, trauma, relationship dynamics and attachment styles. Just make sure you don’t stop there with just understanding. It will simply be a cute concept and there will be nothing different, or worse; you “get it” but you still find yourself repeating the same patterns. Then you’ll feel like all your effort to become self aware doesn’t even make a difference.
It absolutely makes a difference, there’s just a next step you need to move on to.
Practicing self-awareness will help you become more intentional in how you interact with others and how to live an empowered life. Intellectualization will result in avoiding problems and not allowing yourself to feel necessary emotions so that you can move forward. Developing healthier coping skills can take time and effort. Contact us today, we can help!
If you’re human, you use defense mechanisms even though you might not consciously know it; and so does everyone you know. And when you can actually see them, your communication, problem solving skills, emotional health and relationships improve. Let’s break this down – what they …
People who tend to blame themselves when something goes wrong or when something is challenging, oftentimes take in too much feedback. As we discussed in our last blog, it’s important to be open to feedback (especially during therapy) and really try to see yourself in …
One of the characteristics of clients who are most successful in therapy is their ability to be open to feedback. So we want to share what this looks like and what naturally gets in the way, so you can also be successful in therapy, whether that is with one of our therapists or elsewhere.
First and foremost, make sure you have a level of trust established with your therapist.
One of the first things you work on in therapy is creating trust with your therapist; it’s an important piece of the foundation you have to build to ensure that you get what you need out of this investment.
You can start the process of building trust when you are looking for a therapist. Do your research and make sure you believe in the framework they work from and that your philosophy on healing and personal growth are aligned.
See how you feel when you interact with your therapist to set up the first meeting. Are you comfortable talking with them?
There’s more information about this in our blog posts ‘How to Find a Therapist’ and ‘Are you Getting the Most You Can out of Therapy?’ that may be helpful during this stage.
If your therapist isn’t one of the people you are willing to receive feedback from, it’s important to evaluate why. Are you having a hard time receiving feedback in general or are you not fully trusting of your therapist’s reflections? If the latter is true, it’s possible that there is a misalignment between you and the therapist.
Make a conscious decision to be open to seeing things you haven’t previously seen about yourself.
If your guard is up and you aren’t open to feedback, you may be preventing yourself from moving forward; and if you have taken the steps to begin therapy your goal is to move forward. So make a conscious choice to really consider questions and reflections your therapist offers, even if you don’t like it. Maybe especially if you don’t like it.
Try sharing smaller things at first while you are still building trust if you feel like you need to, so you can see how your therapist responds. Make sharing openly a priority so you can begin to develop a therapeutic relationship from the beginning.
Therapists are intuitive, but if you are holding something back, you have more than likely developed some great strategies to keep stuff hidden from people. And although they may be good at their job, a therapist will not be able to read your mind. They want to believe you, not be suspicious of whether or not you are being honest. So just be forthcoming, even if it’s hard. You will be saving you and your therapist time by bringing it forward as soon as you feel comfortable.
Another way to address the hard stuff is to talk about what makes it hard for you to share it with people
You don’t even have to identify what the hard thing is yet, just talk about why it’s hard for you to even talk about xyz or hard for you to be open.
For example, you may say to your therapist, ‘I feel sensitive about criticism or people judging me and this sometimes stops me from really getting vulnerable.” Work through that in therapy first, that will help your therapist know how to give you feedback or reflections in a way you can receive.
It may be easier said than done, but ultimately, you have to trust the process.
If you have made a choice to participate in therapy then you are looking for help, and in order to help you your therapist must give you feedback.
“Knowing where you stand – and what you need – is essential. And the therapeutic alliance, which is built on professional expertise and your own earnest, active participation in the process, calls for both trusting the process and speaking up if it’s not quite right for you.” (Reflect | The impact of feedback on your therapy experience, September 4, 2019)
Once you develop trust with your therapist, extend that trust to the overall process. Deep down you know that it will be beneficial to help you heal, learn and grow.
It’s pretty normal for things to get in the way of receiving feedback. If you have had a bad experience in your early life with a critical caregiver or authority figure, receiving feedback can be hard because it’s natural for your defenses to be activated in a situation where you might receive feedback.
You may be the kind of person that tries really hard to get it right. And that’s OK! But trying really hard to get it right doesn’t mean you will always get it right. Part of getting things right is being willing to make mistakes so that you can learn. Getting reflections back will illuminate blindspots which is very helpful.
Being open to this is actually more effective at helping you get it right than protecting yourself against feedback is. We know this isn’t as easy as it sounds, being receptive isn’t always a logical process. However, you can approach this with awareness so you can see defenses when they pop up and work with them.
The more we practice breathing through those emotions, confronting untrue thoughts and being willing to see ourselves as clearly as possible, the more we can leverage the quality feedback we receive to grow, be better and do better.
There is a flip side to this, which is taking in too much feedback, being open to feedback from unhelpful sources and taking on too much responsibility. We will talk about this in detail in our next post. You don’t want to miss it so stay tuned.
We have entered the holiday season and perfectionism is something that can come up now more than other times of the year, especially for perfectionists. However, you can create trust and connection without being perfect. In our last blog post we talked about the cost …