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When searching for a therapist a person may be overwhelmed by the number of therapy approaches there are, including Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), EMDR, Psychodynamic Therapy, and more. But while finding the therapy method that is right for you is important, the relationship between your and your therapist is more important. So let’s talk about why the therapist matters more than the method.
Different approaches can be helpful for different goals, symptoms, and clients.
A therapy approach is basically a framework for understanding the problem and creating change as it offers unique tools, perspectives, and techniques.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) focuses on the connection between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. It often helps people identify unhelpful thinking patterns and develop more effective coping strategies.
“CBT places an emphasis on helping individuals learn to be their own therapists. Through exercises in the session as well as “homework” exercises outside of sessions, patients/clients are helped to develop coping skills, whereby they can learn to change their own thinking, problematic emotions, and behavior.” (“What is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy?” American Psychological Association. 2017. https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral)
CBT has shown to be effective for a variety of problems such as anxiety, depression, panic disorder, and obsessive-compulsive symptoms.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) was developed to help people process traumatic experiences and distressing memories. It helps reduce the emotional intensity that is associated with the traumatic events from their past.
When using this method, the individual moves their eyes in a specific way while they process traumatic memories.
Psychodynamic therapy focuses on understanding deeper emotional patterns, unconscious processes, attachment experiences, and recurring themes that influence current relationships and behavior. This is helpful for people who want to understand their long-standing struggles or relationship patterns.
Each method offers strengths and can all be helpful depending on what your goals and challenges are.
The therapeutic relationship is very important according to research.
A positive and effective relationship relies on factors such as trust, emotional safety, attunement and feeling understood. When present, they help the clients feel heard, respected and supported by their therapist.
No matter what therapy method is used, clients who feel connected to their therapist tend to experience better results.
“In 1957, psychologist Carl Rogers published a groundbreaking paper that challenged everything the field thought it knew about psychotherapy and therapeutic relationships. He proposed that specific therapist qualities, not clever techniques or theoretical orientations, were the “necessary and sufficient conditions” for therapeutic change.” (“Therapeutic Relationship: The Key to Better Outcomes.” Reach Link. https://www.reachlink.com/advice/therapist-tools/therapeutic-relationship/)
Today, there are lots of studies that show how the therapeutic alliance is a consistent predictor of positive therapy outcomes.
When you feel safe enough to be honest, to be challenged without feeling judged, and you feel understood without feeling analyzed, you’re more likely to experience meaningful change. The relationship can help you grow because it helps develop a new way to understand yourself and how you relate to others.
Because the therapeutic relationship is so important, it’s important to do your research before choosing a therapist.
There are a few things that clients should pay attention to beyond modality when choosing a therapist.
In a previous post we explained “Think about your preferences. Will you feel more comfortable with a male or a female? Do you want to work with someone who is older than you or are you okay with someone who is younger? Is it important to you that your therapist has certain religious beliefs? These are all things to consider when looking for a therapist.”
It can also be helpful to consider a therapist’s personality and communication style. You don’t need to agree on everything, but when there is alignment and trust develops, therapy seems to have better results.
After researching therapists in your area and narrowing down some options, you can call and ask questions about their experience, modalities and beliefs.
Of course you want to look for a therapist who has training and experience helping people with the challenges you want to address in therapy.
However, going a step further and looking beyond the credentials and methods to the human connection, is the approach to finding a therapist that will give you the best result. .
A quality therapeutic relationship plays a significant role in whether therapy is successful or not.
No matter the method or tools used, there is a higher chance of change occurring when clients feel safe, understood, respected, and genuinely connected to the person sitting across from them.
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It’s human nature to think that if you can just understand why you react a certain way you can stop doing it. But just because you know better doesn’t mean you won’t repeat the same emotional pattern. Just being aware of it is not enough. Let’s talk about why this is true.
Over time you may recognize and understand where your emotions come from. For instance, it could come from childhood experiences, or fear of rejection. Understanding it can bring clarity or provide relief, which gives you a sense of power over it.
But the problem is, this awareness, and understanding the pattern does not automatically rewire it.
Emotional patterns are conditioned responses that are built over time through repetition, and reinforced by experience. This means knowing something doesn’t change the reflex your body has already learned.
So even though you may be able to explain your behavior, you can still feel stuck in it.
Emotional patterns are habits that your mind and body have practiced together.
“Think of an emotional pattern as a deeply worn groove in a neural pathway. Every time the pattern is triggered and runs, the groove gets a little deeper.” (
(“Why You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Emotional Patterns.” Medium. April 27, 2026. https://medium.com/@beliefredesign/why-you-cant-think-your-way-out-of-emotional-patterns-a23ebf8d6b24)
Most emotional reactions start in the nervous system, they typically aren’t a conscious thought.
This means your body has already started to react before you can think through the situation.
This can include change in your heart rate, muscles tension, and changes in your breathing. There can be a surge of anxiety, irritation, or withdrawal all before you’ve even had time to analyze anything.
“The body holds emotional memory, and without addressing these physical sensations, it’s difficult to change how you feel, no matter how much you intellectually understand that you’re safe.” (
(“Why You Can’t Talk Your Way Out of Emotions: Understanding the Gap Between Rational Thought and Emotional Belief.” Whole Heartedly You Therapy. October 8, 2024. https://wholeheartedlyyoutherapy.com/rational-thought-vs-emotional-belief/)
One of the jobs of your nervous system is to scan situations and environments for safety or threat based on past experiences.
You can be in a situation that’s not actually dangerous, but if it seems familiar to something your body has learned to associate with danger, it will respond as if there is danger. It’s automatic.
The body doesn’t operate on logical thinking alone, which means you can’t just tell yourself “I’m fine” or “this isn’t a big deal”. You can’t override a body-level response with a thought, it’s not that simple. The thoughts have to be followed by action.
Recognizing that patterns are learned through experience, helps you understand that they have to be changed the same way…through experience.
You can create new experiences that show your nervous system something different. It does not have to be big, significant things, it can be small experiences that are repeated.
If you respond differently in situations, you can give your brain and body new evidence and build new responses. Things like staying present in a conversation rather than shutting down, sitting with discomfort without trying to run away from it, taking time to respond instead of react.
This signals that a situation is safe and you can handle it, which helps your system realize you don’t have to default to the old pattern.
You can reshape your automatic responses through these experiences because the experience was lived differently, not because you thought differently.
It’s true that insight and awareness are important, but that is just the starting point. You can’t break emotional patterns by outsmarting them. Practice is the way to create change, so focus on gently breaking those patterns by consistently interrupting them with new experiences.
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Therapy is not just about talking, it is supposed to help you change. When therapy slips into a venting loop, that is repetitive, it may feel like it’s just a “bitch session.” This happens because expression without direction doesn’t lead to any type of transformation. Let’s talk about why that happens and how therapy can become productive.
Sometimes people (especially men) can feel like they are saying the same things over and over again and nothing feels different.
Venting can feel relieving in the moment but it doesn’t create change. And sometimes people fall into this rut because people think this is what’s expected.
It’s true that getting things out in the open and saying them out loud can feel cathartic. It relieves some pressure, especially when someone listens without judgment. Although that relief is helpful, the ultimate goal is progress, which is different from relief.
In order for therapy to be productive, there needs to be some reorganization in the brain to assess the meaning of what has happened, so that something new can be integrated; new coping skills, new meaning, new perspective, etc.
If there is no new insight or thought adjustment, the relief will start to fade and the frustration will return.
Even though this sounds unproductive, there’s a reason this happens:
Frustration can become familiar and there can be comfort in staying in it. It’s not ideal but it feels predictable and safe.
The cycle of repeating the same complaint keeps a person focused on the problem instead of the solution, but it also protects them from experiencing deeper emotions like fear, shame and grief. Going deep is a risk that means there will be change and uncertainty, and sometimes it feels necessary to avoid that at all costs because staying stuck in the frustration can feel easier than going into that unknown territory.
Even though unknown territory is risky, repetition can reinforce identity and people start to tell themselves – “this is just how it is”. And starting to think that you are always going to have these problems and nothing will ever change…it’s just a part of who you are.
If therapy does not challenge the same story a person is telling over and over, then the story becomes more believable. Without breaking the cycle and moving from venting to making progress, they can’t build confidence to see that they are more than this story or situation.
Validation alone isn’t transformation.
Yes, validation is essential because feeling understood builds safety and confidence. But that validation has to be followed by movement. Validation can help someone see that their emotions are common and make sense, but the work doesn’t stop there. Now they have to ask why and what happens now.
The real work starts when they begin to understand the pain. Being guided though this in therapy is what can lead to real change.
Accountability is not blaming yourself, it is taking ownership, and it builds confidence. When therapy is productive it helps a person assess what is within their control, how they respond and what they can do differently in the future. No one is denying the pain or injustice a person has experienced, but there is a shift away from being a victim to developing the confidence and skills to overcome.
“Accountability doesn’t mean suppressing strong emotion—it means owning it without letting it own you.” (“What is emotional accountability?”. Modern Therapy Alliance. https://moderntherapyalliance.com/what-is-emotional-accountability-and-how-to-practice-it/)
It’s important to be challenged in a safe way. Growth does not come from shame but it can require a person to get a little uncomfortable and deal with some internal issues.
Avoidance needs to be called out gently but in an honest way, so that it can be addressed. If there are beliefs that are keeping a person stuck, challenging them can help them move forward.
If there are unhealthy patterns identified, they should be called out in a way that does not attack character but acknowledges them and replaces them with adaptive coping strategies.
The best support is support that is challenging so you don’t stay comfortable with things that aren’t working. But if you’re challenged and the support is not also present, you are likely to shut down. The combination of both (support and challenge) is what can create positive change.
Many men are in therapy because they want to see action, not because they want to get their emotions out. They want therapy to do something, so they are looking for clarity, strategy, concrete next steps, and tools for communication in relationships and at work.
Clarity includes help answering questions like ‘what is really going on inside me?’, ‘why do I react the way I do?’, and what is the issue that is triggering what I am feeling?’.
If there’s a clear understanding of these things then there will likely be less confusion and shame.
Gaining insight is great but insight alone isn’t enough. Men want, and need, a way to handle their triggers. Having a plan to deal with situations that may be recurring, and ways to go about making decisions when they are under stress, can be reassuring.
Strategy takes their awareness and turns it into action.
When something is measurable, it feels more productive. So making progress into something measurable makes it feel more real.
When a therapy session ends with something to practice or a game plan to try something different, it feels productive and like time well spent.
Talking about and planning for change happens during sessions, but the actual changing happens between sessions when those next steps are taken.
Many men decide to begin therapy because they shut down or explode, or conflicts are never resolved- only escalated. They may struggle to say what they mean because they lack the tools to communicate in a positive way.
“They struggle with using “I feel” statements and don’t practice building their communication muscles. Because therapists are trained to help you explore and process feelings, seeing a therapist is like visiting an emotional gym and exercising these expression muscles.” (Kim, John. “Why I Think all Men Need Therapy.” Psychology Today. January 30, 2017. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-angry-therapist/201701/why-i-think-all-men-need-therapy)
Learning communication tools in therapy can help you express your needs without becoming defensive, how to set boundaries, and how to regulate emotions when you to have difficult conversations with others.
These skills are a first step towards improving relationships with others and becoming more in tune with themselves.
The goal in therapy isn’t to talk less about problems, it’s to talk about them in a different way so that there is change. If it becomes a ‘bitch session’ then that is a signal that there needs to be more direction and challenge so that it can become a place where those changes can actually be made.
If you are ready to move from venting to processing and from awareness to skill building, contact us, we can help.
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