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When a teenager is struggling, parents naturally want to help. So as a parent, you look for a therapist because you want someone who can reach their teen, help them work through challenges, and provide another perspective. But as a parent, don’t be surprised if …
Starting middle school or high school is a major milestone and a big transition. There is usually some excitement surrounding it but it can also feel anxiety producing, overwhelming, or uncertain about what comes next. There is usually a lot of change and it all …
When it’s time to go back to school, your teen might be excited about new opportunities and a fresh start. But it can also increase stress and anxiety if they tend to be a perfectionist.
On the outside a perfectionist teen typically appears highly motivated, responsible, and successful because they earn good grades, complete assignments on time, and seem to have everything under control. But really, internally, they might feel a lot of pressure to perform, never mess up and always exceed the expectations of others.
Starting a new school year can intensify all of those feelings. Let’s talk about why.
When a teen is labeled a “good student” it’s usually a positive thing. But it can turn into a negative, and create a lot of pressure, if they start to believe that they have to be perfect to maintain that status.
As a perfectionist, a teen might worry a lot about disappointing their teacher(s). If they are asked to make a simple correction on an assignment, they can feel like a failure; when it really should be looked at as an opportunity to learn.
Because they don’t want to let their teacher down, or change the perception that the teacher has of them, they might believe the teacher will think less of them if they don’t get everything right the first time.
Instead of feeling proud of their accomplishments, they tend to constantly worry about maintaining them.
“Perfectionism can sometimes look like ambition, but underneath it may be anxiety or fear of disappointing others.” (“Back-to-School Mental Health for Teens: Managing Anxiety, Stress, Sports Pressure and Social Expectations.” Advanced Telepsych, PLLC. August 18,2026. https://advancedtelepsych.org/posts/back-to-school-mental-health-for-teens-managing-anxiety-stress-sports-pressure-and-social-expectations/)
A new school year can feel like a clean slate. So it should be an opportunity to settle in, figure things out, learn and grow. But for someone who is a perfectionist, a clean slate can create a different kind of pressure, the pressure to start out perfect on the very first day so that’s the initial impression their teachers, and others have of them.
This could also apply in social situations, and they could feel like they have to make friends fast, and do everything according to a pre-determined plan they have established for themself.
If this is the case, the first day nerves that everyone feels, can be intensified and can quickly become overwhelming.
Mistakes are a part of life, but for a perfectionist teen, they may not see them as a normal part of learning.They may interpret them as evidence that they are not good enough.
Things like a grade that is lower than they expected, forgetting an assignment, or having an awkward social interaction, can feel much bigger than it actually is.
It’s about what the teen believes the mistake means about them, rather than the mistake itself.
When a new school year begins there is uncertainty, and uncertainty can be very difficult for perfectionistic teens because in order to be perfect, they need to know what’s ahead.
It takes time to learn what each teacher expects, what their teaching style is, and what their grading system and classroom rules are. A perfectionistic teen can spend a lot of mental energy trying to figure out exactly what each teacher wants.
As they try to figure out how the new teacher will be like, they can create anxiety before they have even had a chance to settle into the class.
The stress that comes along with going back to school isn’t limited to academics.
Worrying about where they fit in socially is typically a pretty big concern for teens. They think a lot about how they will be perceived, if they will make friends, their appearance, their involvement in extracurricular activities and/or sports, and how they will keep up with everything that they have to juggle.
For a perfectionist, they may feel like they have to succeed in every area all at once.
As a perfectionist, a teen may have trouble staying focused on the here and now, because in their mind they’ve already jumped ahead and are thinking about what is coming up later in the school year, and what could go wrong.
In order to be perfect, they like to be prepared for what’s to come and have a plan. But it also invites future worries into the picture.
This tendency to jump ahead can turn one small, doable task into overwhelming thoughts of what’s to come throughout the semester.
One unusual thing that happens with perfectionism is that it doesn’t always look like doing all the things…sometimes, perfectionism looks like doing nothing at all.
If there is a desperate desire to do something perfectly, a teen may put the task off because they are afraid they won’t do it well enough.
“Sometimes perfectionism shows up in sneaky ways procrastination, avoiding anything that might risk failure, or overpreparing until you’re burned out. You might see everyone else “handling it” effortlessly while feeling like you’re barely keeping up. That comparison is exhausting.” (“Alleviating Perfectionism in High-Achieving Teens and Young Adults” Davidson Institute. March 12, 2026. https://www.davidsongifted.org/gifted-blog/alleviating-perfectionism-in-high-achieving-teens-and-young-adults/)
They might spend excessive time researching, or simply avoid starting the assignment, because putting it off feels more comfortable than doing it and not doing a good job.
Eventually, they may become so frustrated that they just shut down altogether.
When expectations feel impossible, avoidance can become a coping mechanism.
They may pretend that they just don’t care about a particular task or assignment but they actually care a lot. If they are afraid they won’t do well on a test, they may avoid studying. Or they may put off a project because they don’t know how to make it “good enough.”
Someone on the outside looking in may see this behavior as a lack of motivation or concern, but it’s really just avoidance because they care so much they are overwhelmed.
This is where perfectionism can easily be misunderstood.
What looks like laziness is really something a lot deeper. If they don’t know how to do something perfectly, they simply might not know how to even start.
As a loved one it’s important to recognize the difference. A teen who is struggling with perfectionism might need support with managing expectations, breaking tasks into smaller steps, and learning that mistakes are not failures.
Try to show them that doing their best does not mean they have to be perfect. Yes, grades matter, but they don’t determine their worth. And grades are not all that matters. Learning from mistakes, being flexible, and knowing when to ask for help also matters.
A hard, yet very important lesson they need to learn is that it’s okay when they don’t get everything right, in school and in life.
As the new school year kicks off, look for ways you can support your teen if you feel like they are struggling with perfectionism. If you need guidance on how to be there for them, or you think they need professional support, contact us, we can help.
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The school year is usually nonstop for teens. There is so much going on with school, extracurricular activities, sports, social events and more. So there may not be a lot of time to focus on emotional well-being.
But summer is usually different. There are less academic demands, and social and family schedules are more flexible. This is why starting therapy in the summer makes more sense. Let’s talk about it.
That academic pressure that teens feel during the school year can be significant.
There always seems to be an assignment due, a test coming up, or homework that needs to be done. Keeping up with these academic demands is important but it can make students feel like it’s the only thing that matters; which can cause them to ignore emotional health red flags, like anxiety, poor self-esteem, stress, or conflict with family and friends.
When the need to keep up academically subsides in the summer, there is often more room to focus on emotional health.
During the summer, teens may have more mental and emotional capacity to reflect on their experiences and think about how they are really feeling. Challenges and emotions that were put on the back burner during the school year can now be addressed.
Therapy can be a safe space where they can identify their stressors, their coping skills and their personal habits that may have contributed to their emotional health.
“Beginning therapy in the summer provides teens a chance to process and reflect on what went well for them over the school year and what didn’t. This form of structured reflection can help teens put the last school year behind them, “reset,” and build resilience and confidence before starting school again in the fall.” (Mezulis Ph.D., Amy. “Why Summer is an Ideal Time for You Child’s Therapy”. Psychology Today. July 13, 2021. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/whats-parent-do/202107/why-summer-is-ideal-time-your-childs-therapy)
When anyone starts therapy there can be some anxiety as they establish a relationship with the therapist and become comfortable with the therapeutic process. For teens, waiting to get started at the beginning or in the middle of the school year means they will have to juggle the stress of new classes, teachers and routines, at the same time as managing that “beginning therapy anxiety”.
Starting in the summer means they have time to work through some of their concerns and practice new skills while their schedule is lighter. Then it can become a part of their routine that can easily be continued when school starts back.
Trust is a key element in therapy.
If a teen feels understood by their therapist and they are comfortable with them, then they are more likely to benefit from therapy. A relationship where they have that kind of trust takes time to build, it isn’t automatic after the first session or two.
Summer can allow for the natural progression of the relationship between a teen and their therapist. Sessions can be more consistent and feel less like an obligation and more like making a choice to work on themselves. This can lead to them opening up more and feeling like they have time to identify and work on things that need attention.
It also makes a difference if therapy is getting started before a crisis and not during one. Being proactive and beginning therapy when things are calm and stable is a great way to build emotional awareness and coping skills, before having to implement them.
The hope is that when those skills are urgently needed, they will already be in place and ready to use. Because when a teen is in distress, it can be hard to take the time to learn a new skill and try to use it for the first time.
In addition, when stress arises from academic demands, social drama, family conflict or anxiety, they will have someone they trust (their therapist) to go to for support.
Each year there are new expectations, routines, and pressures. For most teens, there is some excitement that comes with a new school year beginning. But there can also be anxiety, social stress and a lot of worries associated with performing at a certain level.
Therapy can help teens start the school year with some tools that they can use to address the negative feelings, and it can provide beneficial emotional support to get through them. Knowing they have that support can be a confidence boost so they believe that they can overcome any school-related challenges they face.
“Balancing school and life can be tough for teenagers. Many teens take on too many responsibilities, leaving them feeling exhausted. Therapy can help them understand why balance matters. It can teach them how to focus on what is most important and when to take breaks.” (“How a Therapist for Teenagers Can Help Your Child Navigate School Stress”. My CHN. April 21, 2025. https://mychn.org/how-a-therapist-for-teenagers-can-help-your-child-navigate-school-stress/)
It’s helpful for teens, or a person of any age, to go into a situation with self-awareness and understanding of their own thoughts, feelings and patterns. This can give insight into how to communicate needs, regulate emotions, set boundaries and respond to personal challenges. Therapy is a place where they can develop this understanding and gain this insight.
Returning to school with an established routine of attending therapy and working through challenges in a positive way, puts teens in a good position to be able to navigate stress when it arises during the school year. This can make the transition back to school a little less overwhelming and give teens more confidence because they feel prepared.
In a previous blog we talked about a few other reasons why summer is a good time to start therapy, including family involvement, sibling issues, and structure, click HERE to read more about those.
Therapy can be a valuable resource for teens at any time of year, but summer offers a unique opportunity to slow down, reflect, and build support before the demands of the school year return. If you are looking for support for your teen this summer, contact us, we can help!
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Many people go to therapy because they want to feel better, and that is understandable. But it’s important to recognize that feeling better and getting better are not always the same thing. Let’s talk about the differences and what your expectations for therapy should be.
It is not a bad thing to want relief when you are struggling with stress, anxiety, or emotional pain. Going to therapy can help reduce suffering to give you that relief and help you cope and feel more stable.
Although getting rid of the discomforting feelings is a priority, there are underlying issues that need to be resolved.
You can leave a therapy session feeling reassured, validated, or calmer than when you arrived. Of course feeling this way can be a valuable step in the right direction, but this alone doesn’t create lasting change on its own.
When you discuss something that you have been struggling with during therapy, the interaction can help you make sense of what is going on and validate your feelings; so you feel better. But if you don’t change your behaviors, how you approach the issue or the coping strategies you use to deal with it, the pattern (and struggle) will still exist.
It’s great to feel better in the moment but the goal is to create meaningful, long-term change. Really growing and getting better involves transformation. This can include new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.
We previously discussed how healing happens in relationship, not isolation. It can be healing to be understood by another person when you may have always felt misunderstood or alone.
Insight, validation, and support can be helpful without necessarily leading to change.
Therapy shouldn’t just focus on understanding what you are feeling, it should encourage action. Just because you realize why you struggle, it doesn’t mean you can’t still repeat the same behaviors in the future.
The therapeutic process includes challenge, experimentation, and new experiences in order to be effective.
Change happens when you are aware AND you challenge yourself and create new experiences. This could look like setting boundaries, approaching relationships differently, speaking up more, or a number of other new outlooks/actions.
Your brain and your nervous system will start to learn that there are other emotional and behavioral responses that you can safely use.
You can read more about Why You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Emotional Patterns HERE in a previous blog.
Therapy is a safe environment where you have a balance of support and challenge. It allows you to move out of familiar patterns that may not have been healthy and were holding you back.
We tend to think that progress will always feel good but sometimes it doesn’t.
As you start to make progress and identify patterns, you may become more aware of unhealthy relationships, unresolved grief, painful memories, or unmet needs and that can be hard.
You may also start to feel emotions more intensely because you didn’t realize that you had been ignoring, minimizing, or avoiding them altogether.
If you always pushed through your sadness and didn’t acknowledge it, addressing it in therapy can finally bring it to light. It can feel worse because it was suppressed for so long.
“Feeling emotionally stirred, anxious, or even frustrated with your therapist is normal. In fact, a key part of effective therapy is processing those exact reactions—not fleeing from them.” (Keeley Teemsma, Keeley. “Why Therapy Feels Worse Before it Feels Better.” Refresh Psychotherapy. (Keeley Teemsma, Keeley. “Why Therapy Feels Worse Before it Gets Better.” Refresh Psychotherapy. https://refreshtherapynyc.com/why-therapy-feels-worse-before-it-feels-better/.)
When old patterns start to shift, it’s common to feel discomfort. It can feel awkward when you are learning new ways of coping, communicating, and relating to others.
This stage can be frustrating, but it is often where meaningful change begins.
The ultimate goal of therapy is not simply to help people feel better in every moment. It is to help them function better, relate better, and live a healthier, more resilient life.
Sometimes that means feeling relief and comfort, but it can also mean facing difficult truths, taking emotional risks, and tolerating temporary discomfort to get long-term growth.
If therapy is working, it probably won’t be easy. It takes time to see real change and it will be shown in how you respond to challenges and how you relate to yourself and others.
Both feeling better and getting better matters, and when you understand the difference it can help you set realistic expectations and lead to more meaningful growth.
If you are ready to not only feel better but get better, contact us, we can help.
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