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Over functioning can happen in many areas of your life including in relationships, social settings or at work. But what is it exactly and how is it different from being high functioning? Let’s talk about some signs, causes and how to address it. People who …
There can be tension during the holidays when you try to decide which family you’re going to spend time with each holiday. It can also be tough to be caught in the middle between your partner and your family. Here’s how to navigate boundaries during …
The holidays are approaching and it can be one of the most activating times of year. You already know you can’t control what Uncle Joe says at the Thanksgiving table or what your mom says about your partner or your parenting. So how can you preserve your emotional wellbeing during family gatherings?
We would all like to pretend that everything will be all rainbows and butterflies at the family holiday gathering but the truth is there will probably be some moments of tension or times when you disagree. It’s not realistic to think that a family member who has gotten under your skin in the past won’t do it again this year, so be prepared for it. Go in with a positive attitude but know that there may be uncomfortable moments, and that’s okay.
“It is normal for there to be disagreements, differences in opinions, and emotional fluctuations within family units and family gatherings. Spend some time preparing by mentally allowing for imperfections to arise.”
Think about how you will respond and be ready with a plan (how you’d like to respond, if you’re going to step away, etc) so you don’t react impulsively, fly off the handle and say something you will regret. We love our family but we don’t always see eye to eye, especially on some of the sensitive topics like politics, religion, etc. This holiday season may also bring some new tension because of the election. Decide before you arrive how you want to handle it if that topic comes up.
The only thing you can control is your reaction, you can’t control what other people say or do. The easiest solution is to make a statement (maybe a boundary, maybe an acknowledgement like “I know you have strong opinions/feelings about that”), change the topic or walk away.
When you are observing, you are learning instead of reacting, and this can be a good strategy to use during the holidays with the family. Don’t isolate yourself or refuse to interact, but take some time to take in the environment and check the “vibe” instead of jumping right in and feeding into any negativity.
People communicate and interact differently sometimes in big groups, so a family member who is typically one way with you alone, could act another way when others are around. That’s not always a bad thing but it’s something to think about and make sure you don’t get caught off guard by.
Hopefully you and your family feel comfortable around each other and can speak freely during conversations. This is good but sometimes it can lead to you letting your guard down and getting your feelings hurt when a family member expresses their thoughts and it stepped on your toes; or their honest opinions could make you angry if they don’t align with yours. Sometimes just listening and observing is a good idea so you don’t get caught up in a disagreement.
The information you gather by observing will help you understand yourself “oh, that’s why I get uncomfortable around this person or this topic” or “wow, I never realized how anxious my mom is and how that makes me anxious”. These are great insights to bring to therapy.
Go into your family gatherings knowing what your boundaries are and don’t be afraid to maintain them.
If there are topics you are not willing to discuss at the family gathering because they are triggering, then set a boundary. You don’t have to announce this to everyone when you arrive, but if it comes up be prepared to say, “I don’t want to talk about that” and then change the topic. If they push the issue, ask them to respect your wishes and if they don’t, then walk away.
A good boundary to have for yourself is to limit alcohol. Too much alcohol consumption can lead to poor judgment and then you may say or do things that you typically wouldn’t do. A lot of confrontations can be avoided if alcohol is removed from the equation. You may not be able to keep others from drinking too much but you can control how much you drink.
Time boundaries can also be important and helpful to maintain your well-being. If you have to leave at a certain time, don’t let your family guilt you into staying longer. If the gathering does become tense and you realize your emotional well-being is deteriorating, don’t force yourself to stay. Leave before you get to a point that the situation turns into a bad one.
Family time is awesome but it can also be stressful. If you prepare yourself and go into your family gatherings with a plan for how to take care of yourself and deal with any stress that arises, you can make the most of the time you have together.
There’s a lot of advice about not bottling up your emotions, being vulnerable and telling people how you feel. But when does this cross the line into emotional dumping? Here are 3 signs of emotional dumping and what to do instead: 1 – Talking about …
When you think of someone who is emotionally strong you may think that nothing bothers them or that they never struggle when they encounter hard situations in their life; but that’s not always true. Being emotionally strong does not mean a person is stone cold …
There’s a lot of pop mental health advice floating around on social media these days and I’m totally here for it…well, some of it. Should we be more informed about trauma, emotional intelligence, relationship dynamics and attachment issues? Yes,100%!
Although it can be beneficial, there are some times when this is actually enabling you. Let’s look at a couple of examples:
Setting boundaries is important for your mental health and we talk about this frequently on the blog. But when a boundary turns into avoidance, it can actually be a negative thing.
When you are in recovery or working through trauma there will be various stages of coping, healing and growing. “At first, you may need to avoid certain situations because they are triggering, but at a certain point it may be helpful to face those situations so that you don’t have to avoid them forever.” (White, Amanda [therapyforwomen]. “5 Signs Your Boundaries are Actually Avoidance”. * Instagram, May 16, 2023, www.instagram.com/p/CsUbHLFOPi9/?igshid=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ%3D%3D&img_index=2)
How do you know your boundaries are actually avoidance? Here are a couple signs:
(White, Amanda [therapyforwomen]. “5 Signs Your Boundaries are Actually Avoidance”. * Instagram, May 16, 2023, www.instagram.com/p/CsUbHLFOPi9/?igshid=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ%3D%3D&img_index=2)
Boundaries can be a personal challenge that presents in a variety of situations and then there are specific challenges surrounding relationships like fear of intimacy.
If you have been hurt in relationships in the past then you may avoid intimacy in your future relationships to protect yourself. This may be hard to admit, or you may not even realize you’re doing this. You may just chalk up the avoidance to having ‘high standards’ or the fact that you want to ensure that the person meets all the qualifications you think they need to be a good match for you.
“A subconscious fear of intimacy, can, on the surface, look like knowing what you want in a partner and not “settling” for anything less…when it’s really a way to avoid the messiness and vulnerability of a healthy, loving relationship.” (O’Brien, Lindsay [thereallovealchemist]. “A Fear of Intimacy Can Look Like Having High Expectations for a Partner”. * Instagram, November 14, 2023, www.instagram.com/p/CzohB0Us_6T/?igshid=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ%3D%3D&img_index=6)
In reality, no one is perfect and you may never find someone who meets all of your qualifications or standards. But that shouldn’t stop you from pursuing a deeper connection with someone if they could be right for you.
Facing your fear of intimacy can ultimately lead to a long lasting, healthy relationship. That doesn’t mean it won’t take some work on both your part and your partner’s part, but all good things require some work.
In addition to these personal challenges around boundaries and relationship challenges related to intimacy; there are also parenting challenges that we need to be informed about.
Teaching your child how to regulate their emotions is one of the most important things you can teach them because it will be a useful tool for them not only in childhood but through every stage of their life. We talked about this in a previous post HERE.
You can let your child know that you understand the emotions they are experiencing, but it’s important to go a step further and help them learn to cope with those emotions in a way that is positive and does not lead to negative behaviors.
What ends up happening is if you are only understanding and compassionate, you are living in an environment where a young psyche and emotional system are in charge. And that is too much power for your child to hold. That will result in entitlement, disrespectful behavior or anxiety because their emotions are not able to be held by them or by you.
“Regulation isn’t natural. It’s taught. Emotions are instinctive but handling them is a language that is imparted.”
Healthy coping mechanisms can be taught at a young age and once learned they will contribute to the overall emotional intelligence of your child.
So even though it is possible to find helpful mental health advice online, there is also a risk that some of it may actually be enabling and not so helpful. That’s why it’s important to always dig a little deeper and make sure the advice you are taking is actually correct for you.
Do you have trouble saying no? Do you constantly worry what people think about you and you find yourself apologizing frequently? Do you avoid confrontation and feel responsible for other people’s feelings? If you struggle with any of these things then you may be a …
Every year as summer comes to a close, we transition into fall and then immediately into the holiday season. It seems to happen pretty quickly and for some people it is exciting and they thrive on the energy and hustle and bustle but for others, …
There’s a lot of information out there about abandonment issues, but what about self abandonment? And why is self abandonment a problem?
Abandonment issues are essentially the fear of being left. Usually because an important figure was not present when you were young. The way this shows up is through having an anxious attachment. See our previous post about this HERE.
However, self-abandonment is a little different than having general abandonment issues so let’s break it down for easier understanding.
Self-abandonment is basically when you disregard or neglect your own needs, wants or feelings. Maybe you feel like you don’t really matter or maybe you think other people are more important so you put their needs above yours.
“Self-abandonment can take on the form of ignoring, or not trusting, our deepest instincts. This can look like dismissing gut feelings, constantly deferring to others to make the ‘right’ decisions, and second-guessing everything we do.” (Ahmed, Sarah. “Everything you Need to Know about Self-Abandonment”. Well Nest. April 8, 2021. https://www.wellnest.ca/post/here-is-why-you-self-abandon)
There are lots of other ways that self-abandonment can present for individuals, like hiding who you really are or how you feel about certain things, constantly blaming yourself or judging yourself harshly, or always focusing on pleasing others even if it’s at your own expense.
This behavior is usually learned in childhood as a result of emotional neglect because skills on how to take care of yourself and manage emotions in a positive way are not developed. Fortunately, this behavior can be unlearned and you can develop skills to deal with difficult emotions at any age or stage in life. (Gigante, Amanda. “What is Self-Abandonment”. The Center for Growth. https://www.thecenterforgrowth.com/tips/what-is-self-abandonment)
Self-abandonment can result in low self-esteem. If you dismiss your own feelings on a regular basis then you are not valuing your opinion or prioritizing what is important to you which can make you feel like you don’t matter and are not worthy of love or attention.
Another result of this behavior can be turning to unhealthy coping habits.
“Self-abandonment can lead to addictive behavior like over-using substances, or spending hours “zoning out” on social media. If we feel an unbearable emotion and we don’t have the resources to manage it, we might grab for something to dull the pain.” (Gigante, Amanda. “What is Self-Abandonment”. The Center for Growth. https://www.thecenterforgrowth.com/tips/what-is-self-abandonment)
Coping in this way will keep you from truly handling problems that you are experiencing so you can move forward.
Self-abandonment can also prevent you from developing deep, meaningful relationships with others. If you are always trying to please your partner, friend, co-worker, etc. the relationship will be one sided and remain at surface level. In order to have a healthy relationship with someone you have to get to know one another for who they really are and they will never get to know you if you are hiding how you really feel or what you really want.
Self-love is the opposite of self-abandonment and learning to love yourself will help you heal.
First, it’s important to acknowledge that your feelings and needs are just as important as the feelings and needs of others. It’s not selfish to love and take care of yourself, actually it’s necessary!
You can build on this by learning to allow your emotions, learning to set boundaries that honor your peace and learning to speak up or advocate for yourself.
These things are not easy, especially in the beginning. And, they are essential to honoring yourself. These are some basic skills we teach in therapy. And, it’s helpful to work with a therapist so that you can see and work through what gets in the way of being able to honor yourself. (Menjivar, Jackie. “What is self-abandonment? STOP PUTTING EVERYONE ELSE’S NEEDS BEFORE YOUR OWN”. I Don’t Mind. August 19, 2022. https://idontmind.com/journal/what-is-self-abandonment)
Learning to take care of yourself by placing value on how you feel and what is important to you may take some practice. If you need help working through self-abandoning behaviors, contact us, we are here to help.
Fighting in relationships is inevitable and, actually, important. The couples I worry about most are the ones that don’t fight. Because it means it’s harder to get to what’s really going on. Fighting can be what comes before a new level of intimacy, a step …