Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
There are some great Instagram accounts out there that break down old ways of thinking and teach according to current concepts and findings in the psychology world. I love how these therapists, coaches and teachers are able to capture complex concepts and put them into …
This short technique is scientifically tested and proven to create well being physically and emotionally that we thought might be helpful to share in this moment. It’s a great thing to practice when you are going to transition activities, like from work to engage with …
I get that. If you are one of those people who is not totally convinced that feelings are that big a deal, this is for you.
I explain it this way often to my clients…
Usually the answer is: not that hard.
Right. It isn’t.
But we also resist it sometimes. Maybe it is the repetitive nature of the task or the fact that it is never done. There are always more dishes that need to be done, as long as we eat or drink, which we do because we have to sustain human life. Feelings are similar, they are always coming up, never done.
Then I ask: what would happen if you stopped doing the dishes?
First off, you run out of dishes and utensils that are clean. Which means no one can cook anything and you are eating and drinking straight from the fridge. A slight regression, but not THAT big of a deal.
If you live with anyone, more than likely, people are already bothered at this point. Maybe arguments even start up. Whichever kind your home culture prefers: the nagging type, the loud kind or the silent resentful variety.
The other thing that is happening is that you are now eating out. More expensive, probably less healthy than what you could make at home. In the long run, money and health issues coming up.
Maybe not horribly at first, but remember, you are not doing the dishes, so this is where things are headed for the long haul.
Now you have to think about what happens with those dirty dishes. At some point, they are likely going to attract pests. And that’s a whole new level of hassle.
Recently a friend and their family had to evacuate their apartment and pack out or wrap all the perishables (with an infant!) so their apartment could be fumigated because of cockroaches. They lived next door to an apartment unit that is a corporate apartment so people only live there for short periods. Somebody must have left food or dishes that were not cleaned up (or missed by the cleaning staff) and an infestation started. My friend’s family moved back in after being vacated for the better part of a week and there were still cockroaches. So they had to move their ENTIRE apartment (with an infant) to another unit in the building.
So, now you are potentially dealing with infestations in your home and your neighbors are impacted?
Just like the dishes, dealing with our feelings as they come up are not that big of a deal. Just like doing the dishes, not dealing with them leads to big issues that impact multiple areas of your life: relationships, finances, physical health, your home environment. Not to mention your internal world and your daily lived experience.
So, you practice (practice being the key word) recognizing them. You practice allowing them. You practice communicating them.
It might be: “I feel pressured and rushed right now, can we talk about this later?” Or “I felt sad when you said that”. Or “I feel frustrated”. Just simple little things. Like washing a dish.
I know feelings can be unpleasant, but don’t let that be the end point of that experience. There are lots of things in life that can be uncomfortable. Does that mean you stop right at the first sign of discomfort? No, you show up.
This is emotional health. Recognizing that you feel. And doing what you need to do to care for whatever is coming up whether it is just having to do with you or it is something coming up between you and someone else.
Just do the dish. Sometimes it’s a pan with lots of stuff crusted on it and it takes some effort. But I promise it’s worth it.
If you need support figuring out how to recognize or care for your feelings, we’ve got you. Contact us.
Also, check out this post about the messages your feelings are communicating to you, that could be a good next step too.
If you want a guide to what your emotions mean and where they show up in the body so you know when they are present, sign up for our email list (refresh the page and there will be a little banner that drops down). You will get a little cheat sheet for that you can save on your phone.
This viral video was shared in a group recently and it stopped me in my tracks. Watch what he does in the first video (3 min) and then listen to what he says about that experience in the second video (4 min). And then I’ll …
It is that time of year. So much is going on and coming up. And, that is natural. When overwhelm hits, it feels like you need to do all the things. What actually needs to happen is taking a step back. Not much good comes …
Every human has them. No matter how much work you have done on yourself. No matter how many skills you have. Overwhelming times descend upon us all.
It could feel like anger, like panic, like fear. Any kind of intensity.
What wise decision can I make for myself right now?
In those moments, we want to fix. We want to take action. Of course. Because we want resolution for what is freaking us out.
Ultimately, in any moment of intensity, you are not operating with all your faculties. You are in the “amygdala is the boss” mode and the amygdala is a brute. The amygdala wants to fast forward everything right now.
I joke with my clients: trying to make a decision when you are this upset is like trying to make big life decisions when you are intoxicated. Would you advise that? Of course not!
The first thing to do is get into a wiser state of mind. Or find someone to guide you into a wiser state of mind and be a willing participant.
It doesn’t have to be anything big. In fact, you probably can’t do anything big. It might just be making a choice like:
I’m willing to not make big decisions right now.
I’m willing to care for myself right now.
I’m willing to choose supporting myself instead of spiraling downward.
I’m willing to take some breaths.
I’m willing to walk instead of scream.
I’m willing to listen to someone in a better head space.
Being willing goes a long way. In fact, it is one of the best predictors of successfully working through any challenge. Read more about that here.
Once you get yourself into a more balanced mental and physical space (nervous system is calmed down and not in fight or flight), you will get to your answer much faster.
Emergency actions can lead to more issues kind of like when you rush and spill your coffee, forget your phone and accidentally kick your dog.
What if your spouse, loved one, best friend is not the bad guy? What if you aren’t either? Let’s be honest, sometimes it feels good that the other person is the “bad guy”. Then we get to be right, justified and safe. At the same …
Self care has gotten a lot of press lately, which is good. The distinction between being selfish and caring for yourself is an important one. Knowing that your cup needs to be full in order for you to be able to support others is also …
Even if they are going to do wonders for you like exercise or breathing or meditation.
Honestly, when I am beyond, I could care less about what is going to be good for me. I just need to feel better RIGHT NOW.
Last post we talked about catching stress early so you have a better chance of actually caring about the things that can save you from spiraling into being super snappy with your loved ones or feeling like you are losing it all together.
Here are three things you might need to know when you are beyond stressed:
Stress is essentially feeling a lot of pressure. That pressure needs to go somewhere. So, you need to give it somewhere to go.
I’ll give you some examples:
Like the angry, world-isn’t-fair, everything-sucks-bad kind of venting. Do yourself a favor and make sure the person that is hearing you vent is not going to try to solve it for you. Let them know: I need you to just listen and tell me that everything I’m saying is valid and totally true even if I sound crazy. Any advice, problem solving, or attempts to soothe you will probably only make it worse. Why? Because it is putting up resistance to the pressure you are trying to let out. Solutions and being rational can come afterward.
So, get a list going of the things you need get down that will bring your stress down. Write done the projects or categories and the things to do underneath them. For a bonus step, schedule it out about when you are going to take care of those things. Sometimes part of the problem is feeling like you don’t know how you are going to get it all done.
Yup. You might need to ask for help. You might need to ask your spouse or a family member to take it over or hire someone to do some of the things. That could bring up guilt. I know. Once you hand it over, I promise the relief will help with the guilt. Guilt you can sort through (here’s some help), getting into an accident or a bad fight with a loved one or getting sick as a result of stress are more challenging (read: they add more stress on top of stress) than dealing with guilt.
You are beyond stressed and you lost it. You yelled, you acted badly, you drank too much. Whatever you did, it’s OK. Not that hurting someone is OK or treating yourself badly is OK, but you can repair any damage that was done.
At the end of the day, losing it probably led you to accept or figure out a solution for the stress. Because your feelings went to that level of intensity that was untenable, you found a solution. So, repair any damage and forgive yourself. You’re OK. It’s OK.
Everything that goes up must come down. If you are beyond stressed, there will come a breaking point. You will be forced to slow down, by your body or your feelings or the stressful period will come to an end.
You may have been dreaming of the moment you get on that plane where you get to finally let go. You’ve been telling yourself “if I can just get to x day”. Yes, relief will be on it’s way, but it might be a couple days after you expect.
When you try to slow down, it is like a Mack Truck down shifting after driving at high speeds. There is a lot of tension. You might feel out of sorts (cranky, having a hard time putting away your phone or computer, etc) if you try to slow down abruptly.
So, either accept that the first two days of your vacation might not necessarily be the easiest so you aren’t disappointed. Or schedule some activities right after you reach that deadline that was causing so much stress. Activities that you like, of course. Then do your beach/relaxing days.
That will help you transition from high stress mode a little easier down to relaxation mode.
You might be finding yourself in relationship dynamics where you are being too accountable. If you are not sure what this means, take a moment and go back to the last post about this here. I’m going to be honest with you: making a shift …