Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Throughout your life you will connect with people you encounter at school, work, and in your personal life. As you develop relationships with different people you will need to utilize a variety of skills to maintain positive, healthy relationships that make life more enjoyable. In …
It’s a big decision and investment to start therapy. So we want to give you a little information on what to expect so that you can go in with awareness and clarity. The first 6 sessions The first part of therapy is getting the …
If you’ve read self development books, been to therapy, studied psychology or follow emotional intelligence, therapy or trauma informed accounts on social media, chances are you’ve developed a good deal of self awareness about your “stuff”.
We’ve all been handed experiences or circumstances in our lives that are traumatic or deeply challenging in some way, and learning about the impact of that is CRUCIAL if we want to break generational chains, so we can live and do better.
There is a point of diminishing returns when all we have is an intellectual understanding of it. However, staying in an intellectual place about it can be a defensive strategy in disguise.
Sometimes this is what’s actually in the way of making progress. Let’s break this down.
It’s a defense mechanism. The APA dictionary of Psychology defines it as a defense mechanism in which conflicts or emotional problems are dealt with abstractly or concealed by excessive intellectual activity. This means that in order to avoid emotions that are uncomfortable or cause stress, people use intellectualization to reason about a problem.
Defense mechanisms are unconsciously employed when thoughts or emotions are too overwhelming for the psyche. They are protective mechanisms and if you’re human, you use them. The goal is to know about what they are and which ones you use regularly. (check out our previous blog post for more info on this)
One way to know if you are intellectualizing is if you feel disconnected from what you’re talking about. For example: you tell a story about a traumatic or challenging experience, but you feel nothing.
Self awareness is when you can evaluate and manage your emotions and behavior and understand how you come across to others; you are connected to your emotions and can identify them.
“Intellectualizing emotions, then, is the process of giving emotions to the mind by articulating the emotion — the why and what, the potential causes, the related thoughts and cognition — rather than just feeling it.” (Derisz, Ricky. “What does it mean to intellectualize emotions?” Goal Cast. www.goalcast.com/intellectualizing-emotions/)
If you feel like you’ve told the story a million times and still don’t see where it’s having an impact in your life. You might say “the past is in the past”.
If you often say things like “I have abandonment issues” and nothing really changes, it might be because understanding them and referring to that understanding is the bulk of the work you’ve done around those issues. The result of iIntellectualization is staying stagnant. The next step is to work through the feelings you have associated with it. This requires practice.
First of all, it’s huge to have self awareness in the first place, now you’re just going to build on that.
Notice when you get triggered. Being triggered means you have an emotional reaction to something and it is more than just feeling a little uneasy.
“Feeling triggered isn’t just about something rubbing you the wrong way. For someone with a history of trauma, being around anything that reminds them of a traumatic experience can make them feel like they’re experiencing the trauma all over again.” (Cuncic, Arlin. “What Does It Mean to Be ‘Triggered – Types of Triggering Events and Coping Strategies” Very Well Mind. March 10, 2022. www.verywellmind.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-triggered-4175432)
A trigger can come from within (internal) or it can come from your environment (external). It’s OK if you don’t understand your reaction, but notice when it happens. The feeling causing the reaction is the connection point. This is where you can actually make a difference. For example: if you have abandonment issues, you might feel really triggered when someone doesn’t respond to your messages. Working with those feelings (rather than just knowing it came from your childhood) is what makes the real difference.
A therapist can help with this. A therapist might do some somatic strategies with you to support you in completing emotion. Or it might be helpful to do artwork (we do art therapy here at One Heart with Registered Art Therapists) to process triggers or emotions or suggest ways to approach healing behaviorally so you can learn to respond to triggers in a more healthy way.
Make sure you are not just using labels like, “well, I self abandon” and then just stop there as if that’s how you’ll always be. Once you have self awareness, it’s important you work with that awareness so you can grow through your experiences rather than simply repeat them.
It can feel so good to understand why you do what you do, which is why it is so helpful to learn about human behavior, trauma, relationship dynamics and attachment styles. Just make sure you don’t stop there with just understanding. It will simply be a cute concept and there will be nothing different, or worse; you “get it” but you still find yourself repeating the same patterns. Then you’ll feel like all your effort to become self aware doesn’t even make a difference.
It absolutely makes a difference, there’s just a next step you need to move on to.
Practicing self-awareness will help you become more intentional in how you interact with others and how to live an empowered life. Intellectualization will result in avoiding problems and not allowing yourself to feel necessary emotions so that you can move forward. Developing healthier coping skills can take time and effort. Contact us today, we can help!
There’s a lot of information out there about abandonment issues, but what about self abandonment? And why is self abandonment a problem? Abandonment issues are essentially the fear of being left. Usually because an important figure was not present when you were young. The way …
Social media, whether we like it or not, has an impact on the therapy world. In therapy, we often educate our clients about mental health, family dynamics, and emotional wellness. We normalize and validate experiences to create a platform for the work you come to …
You started in therapy. That’s a huge step. A step that took thought, research, and time. Now, you may be asking, “Am I getting what I need from therapy?”. This will be an important question to ask yourself to make sure you are benefiting.
If you don’t connect with your therapist and you don’t feel comfortable with them, you may never get what you need out of your therapy sessions. That’s why it is important to find a therapist that is a good fit for you.
If your life philosophies do not, at least somewhat, connect with the way your therapist approaches therapy, then you may not get what you need. Think: you want help with parenting issues and your therapist has a different philosophy on parenting that goes against what has worked in your family or isn’t a match for the temperaments in your family.
Having a different philosophical approach on life than your therapist may result in being hesitant to follow through on recommendations. I shared about this in more detail in a past blog When Is It Time to Go To Therapy? How Can You Get the Most of it?.
In some cases, clients might not connect with the communication style of their therapist or the processes they use during sessions. You may want more direction, or less direction, than what you are receiving. It’s okay to ask your therapist about this and express to them what you feel will be more beneficial for you. They may be willing to adjust their approach or they may be able to explain the reasoning behind why they feel their current approach is more beneficial.
If you cannot agree on an approach that works for you both then it might not be a good match.
Therapy should be a space where you feel like you can be you and let your guard down. If you are not connecting with your therapist, it’s unlikely that you will make the progress that you want to make, so it may be time to find a new therapist.
If you determine that you’re not getting what you need out of therapy and begin looking for a new therapist, use the information from your experience to develop an understanding of what you are looking for.
You could do a self-assessment and ask yourself these questions:
Do you need homework and a therapist who will ask you about it/hold you accountable?
Do you need a therapist who talks less and gives some space for you to talk through things?
Do you need someone with more expertise on a certain topic?
Do you need someone you feel more comfortable with?
Sometimes going into therapy for the first time feels like a blind date, you don’t really know what to expect and you don’t really know what you are looking to get out of it. So you didn’t really know the answers to some of these questions. But once you have participated in therapy you start to become more in tune with what you need and what works for you.
At One Heart Counseling Center we know that our therapists will not be the right fit for everyone. That’s why we educate potential clients on what to look for in a therapist. You can find more info HERE to help guide you.
Use all of the information you have gathered from your therapy experience to research and ask questions of your new therapist. Building a relationship with your new therapist starts even before you have your first session.
Therapy involves two people working together, and any time you work with someone a relationship is formed. That relationship can only be effective if both people are committed and honest.
Dealing with issues or concerns with your therapist can mirror how you handle things in your other relationships.
Are you committed to attending sessions and actively participating or are you tempted to ghost or just smile and nod and then feel disappointed that you are not getting your needs met?
Are you honest and tell your therapist what you are feeling and what is really going on in your life? Or are you expecting your therapist to read your mind (I mean, we are trained to see beyond what meets the eye, but we can’t know everything!!) and then feel upset when you don’t get what you want out of your sessions?
Think about how you tend to relate to people in your other relationships, it can explain a lot about how you relate to your therapist. And this is great news because…
Therapy is like a laboratory where you can test your communication skills and try doing things differently. Try working it out first. Then, if your current therapist is not a match, that’s OK! The time you have spent with them may have been just what you needed to figure out how to communicate and also advocate for what you do need.
Therapists do not take it personally if you decide it’s not a good fit. They are trained to support your growth, even if that means saying goodbye.
Do you need guidance or assistance to find a new therapist? Contact us, we are happy to help you work through this transition and get you the help you need.
Cold feet. Maybe this is a term you’re familiar with when it comes to weddings. It’s what you see on movies when the bride (or groom) backs out at the last minute and runs away to a different life. “Cold feet” is the term loosely …
Feelings as a source of information have been discounted for so long, we have some catching up to do! There are some pieces of feeling-related advice that have become commonplace like “listen to your heart”, which is progress. But what does that actually mean? Here …
This week I’m doing something a little bit different!
Check out this short video to see what one thing you can do in all your relationships to make them easier and more clear.
Let me know what you’ve noticed about doing this one thing.
Yes, social media is a topic of discussion in therapy. Every day. And, we are right at that time of year when people are posting about their holiday activities and we might have a little more time or temptation to be keeping up with what’s …