Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
We have all either thought or said this at some point: “you wouldn’t act like this if you loved me.” I have to tell you something: this belief is probably causing unnecessary pain and suffering. There is this prevailing thought that people act one certain …
We are thrilled to be welcoming Nikki Eby, M.A., MFT, ATR-BC to our staff of licensed clinicians at One Heart Counseling Center. Nikki comes to One Heart Counseling Center with over 10 years of experience in the field of marital and family therapy as well …
I’m pretty sure you would answer with a resounding “YES!” if I asked you whether you wanted to raise your child to be resilient.
Right, because you care about raising a child that can be a successful, well adjusted, contributing member to society.
See these articles about educator’s perspectives on this subject here and here (this one is what made the term go viral recently).
It is the successor of the famous parenting temptation called “helicopter parenting”.
In essence, it means trying to “mow” down obstacles for your child so that they feel cared for and do not have to experience struggle.
Of course, every parent wants their child to be happy. And, to be honest, a kid who is not having big emotions also makes your job easier in the moment. It is HARD to watch your kids struggle.
It’s about the long game here.
Because life is not something we get to control, there will always be moments of challenge and struggle. Circumstances will occur that we cannot change.
Because this is just the truth of living as a human being on the planet, we are best served by learning how to manage our internal world as opposed to trying to control external circumstances.
By giving your children the opportunity to navigate these feelings and responses to circumstances outside themselves on a smaller scale (feels big in the moment!) like hurt feelings between friends at girl scouts, you are giving them the opportunity to train for what they will encounter as adults (maybe office politics or competition in sports or raising children of their own).
This, of course, will depend on their age and maturity level.
It requires mindful consideration about when it will be best to let them work through it.
Sometimes the best time to let them work through it is when you have enough resources to help them navigate the challenge.
Sometimes is it not best to let them work through a struggle when you are also struggling. When you are depleted, it is hard to coach them through the wave of emotion.
And, it takes some practice to be able to breathe through the discomfort of your child’s emotions arising.
It is something you can always ask other parents, teachers or a therapist about if you are not sure what that line should be of allowing them to practice managing adversity or coming in to offer support.
When I was thinking about this post, a little scene from A League Of Their Own popped into my head: Well, in the world of emotion, sometimes there is lots of crying! But there is no trying, especially when it comes to feelings you are …
“Emotions can get in the way or get you on the way.” -Mavis Mazhura So, how are you supposed to tell the difference? Are they getting in the way? Or getting you on the way? Let’s break this down. –> We have emotions that are current. [Hint: …
Anxiety, stress and depression are usually states that wrap around a cluster of emotions, thoughts or beliefs.
Anxiety is usually an activating state that comes with being over aroused because there are uncomfortable emotions built up. They aren’t getting the chance to process through.
What’s weird about it is that the anxiety wraps around the emotions that want to come through, making it hard for you to detect that there are actually emotions in there that are trapped!
For example, you may feel some anxiety about an assignment or a work project deadline. That anxiety could be encasing fear about getting it done in time, worry about whether you will do the task correctly, any performance or self worth related beliefs, ect.
The discomfort propels you to do something aboutit once the discomfort gets to a level that feels like too much. Even if you are procrastinator, you start working on your assignment when the anxiety about getting it done is high enough. Then that takes you through an all nighter.
Or you may feel anxiety that is long standing because there have been years of emotions pushed down. Emotions might have been pushed down because it has not been safe to process your feelings. And/or you may not have been taught or shown (by someone modeling them out) how to process emotions in a healthy way.
So, all those emotions become compressed. Thought patterns or belief systems build up to keep the emotions packed in tight and then you are just living with a level of consistent level anxiety. So consistent you might not even register that you are living with it!
Of course, our bodies do have genetic programing that does predispose some of us more toward being anxious. This means your sympathetic nervous system is more easily activated under stress. This does not mean someone will develop a disorder, it just means they are more likely to trend toward anxiety in response to stress.
Just the biology can be a factor. All that means is that you find ways of accepting your ways and working with them. If you know it is just part of your disposition, you can focus on sensing whether the anxiety is helpful. See below to know when it is helpful. If it is in the unhelpful range, you can redirect your thoughts or do something physical to move the anxiety through your body.
We don’t want to eradicate all anxiety. It is not all bad! Look at this list of things it helps you do:
It helps you keep your eye on deadlines, tasks that need to get done and next steps.
Part of the way people naturally get relief from anxiety is planning and organizing so they can feel prepared and clear.
Notice how people who tend toward anxiety in response to stress tend to get their assignments/projects/tasks done early? Anxiety is helping them!
Whether the anxiety you experience is long standing due to biology or due to emotions being compressed (or both), there are ways to work with it.
It does take some time re-program your nervous system. It takes some time to unravel any underlying beliefs or overactive thought patterns that have been accompanying your anxiety.
The easiest way is to work with a therapist to guide you through this process. The first step is often creating new programs in the time of your session. It starts here because it is hard to catch the anxiety in action on your own, unless it is super intense. When it is super intense, it’s hard to remember all these tools. So your therapist will work with the anxiety that is arising in the actual session. Your therapist will help you look at the thoughts and feelings then help you redirect your attention and relax your body right then. Then, once you see how it works, you can practice it outside the session. Then you are on your way!
Again, the easiest way is with a therapist because they can help you catch those thoughts and redirect them to start creating new thought patterns.
Thoughts and beliefs can feed and reinforce anxiety. Since the state of anxiety is uncomfortable in the body, you will naturally want to put your attention on your mind to escape the unpleasant sensations in the body. Those same sensations are the ones that help you get stuff done so you can have relief from the anxiety.
If you learn to bring your focus into your body, you will start to get clues about the tangle of emotions inside causing the “state” of anxiety.
Feelings are stored in the body. They have their own individual cues. A couple of examples:
Sadness is pressure in the chest and throat.
Anger is heat and tension in the shoulders, arms and jaw.
Fear is heat in the belly.
If you are able to separate out the feelings, you can download their messages and the emotions can be processed. That way, you are not just continuing to compress them and carry them around.
You read that correctly. A sheep in wolf’s clothing. Jealousy gets villainized. It is regarded as unbecoming. And, I get that. But let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater… This post is #8 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and …
I know. It feels like you are. You feel guilty about it. But, really, the fact that you feel guilty about getting annoyed a lot reveals that is not your true nature. You see, guilt is an indication that you have travelled outside the range …
So, why not talk with your trusted friend? Why pay money to talk with a therapist or coach?
If you find the right therapist, it should feel like talking to a trusted friend.
First of all, nothing is going to interrupt your time in therapy. There are no phone calls or televisions going in the background or kids or siblings or a partner needing your attention. Therapy is a dedicated, distraction free zone for 50 minutes.
Second, your therapist is there for you: to listen, support, and focus on you. You don’t have to worry about trying to have a reciprocal conversation and make sure you give your therapist enough time to talk about what is going on in her life. It’s all about you. Ahhh. Isn’t that nice?
Third, your therapist (if she is a good one) is not going to put her stuff on you. If she is good, she has done or continues to do her own work on herself. That way she is not putting her personal issues onto your stuff. Her feedback is related to her knowledge of human beings backed by her studies in psychology and experience as a therapist.
When you talk with friends, even the ones you love most, they might have a harder time being objective. It’s hard for people you love not to react to what you share by trying to fix things. They love you and don’t want to see you in pain. Your therapist is trained to make space for your experience and help you learn through it, not fix it.
Your therapist is someone who knows how to communicate in a productive way. So, you are interacting with someone who is, hopefully, modeling healthy ways of being in a relationship. Your therapist is modeling being considerate, holding boundaries, acting with integrity, being accountable, communicating clearly, creating space for your feelings and not being reactive.
Think about the common saying: “You are the company you keep.” Part of what works in therapy is that you start to map your thinking on to your therapist’s way of thinking. Kind of like how you start saying things your best friend says all the time. You are being influenced by a person who is specifically trained to think, communicate and engage in the world in a healthy way. Pretty awesome right?
It is important to find the right fit so that you get the most out of therapy. How can you get the most out of therapy? See last week’s post.
Becoming an adult. Emotional maturity. The freedoms are kind of awesome. But the responsibilities are the ones that make all the “no adulting” memes so popular. How do you know when you turn that corner into becoming an adult on an emotional level? We all …