Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
It’s super common for parents of teens to come to a session saying that they want their kids to stop being on their phone so much or stop treating home like a hotel. It’s a hard transition when teens start to put so much of …
It’s super easy to get pulled into power struggles with your kids and sometimes it doesn’t seem too obvious until you’re at your limits. So let’s take a look at what this looks like and how to step out of it. What is a power …
Social media, whether we like it or not, has an impact on the therapy world. In therapy, we often educate our clients about mental health, family dynamics, and emotional wellness. We normalize and validate experiences to create a platform for the work you come to therapy to do. Now a lot of that is also happening on social media, so that first part of creating a platform for the work starts happening outside of sessions or before you even start therapy. This can really add to the efficiency of therapy.
What’s helpful is when clients get high quality information and bring questions about it to session so we can work with you on unpacking how that information does or doesn’t apply to you and your family.
These are the top 3 Instagram accounts we refer clients to:
We love this account because there is high quality comprehensive information about trauma, family dynamics, relationships, emotional and nervous system regulation. In addition to sharing helpful information on her account, Dr. Nicole LePera also has a podcast, YouTube channel, blog and a book that may be very helpful for our clients.
This account curates excellent information from a number of different accounts that speak to body based therapies and information about self regulation, emotional health and healing trauma. Here you will find information about events and trainings, as well as helpful tips about how to cope using somatic experiencing techniques.
There is a lot of information out there on parenting and the best sources are going to be ones that align with your parenting philosophy and your child’s temperament. But don’t stress… you don’t have to know what your “parenting philosophy” is, simply consider how posts generally align with what feels right to you. It’s OK for some ideas to feel activating at first, sometimes that means this is challenging and updating your beliefs. However, if everything feels like it has a rub for you, it might not be aligned for you and your family and that’s OK!
We love this one in particular because it provides helpful updates to some old school parenting techniques. Kristin (a parent coach), and Deena (child therapist/parent coach) are the two ladies behind this account and they are not only experts in their field, they are real moms dealing with the same real issues as every other parent. They are very relatable and help parents feel like they are not alone with their parenting struggles.
There will always be accounts on social media that share inaccurate information when it comes to mental health, so we encourage our clients to exercise caution when going online for guidance and help. That is why we are quick to share accounts that we find, and follow ourselves, that share quality, relevant information that can be helpful.
Do you have any end of the year rituals? A way to gather your experiences, crystallize your memories, celebrate milestones and integrate your growth? If you don’t or you are looking for ways to enhance your end of year reflections, we have a couple of …
Being physically drained and emotionally drained are not the same thing. Even though they can sometimes look similar. Why is it helpful to know if you’re emotionally drained? It can save you a fight and it can help you take better care of yourself because …
This is a big parenting technique that has been taught for decades about how to deal with tantrums and big feelings: just ignore them. And, if we’re being honest, it makes sense coming from a behavioral perspective – reinforce behaviors you want to see more of and ignore behaviors you want to see less of.
This strategy points to something very important which is your attention; as a parent, it is the most VALUABLE thing you can give your child. So, yes, you want to be intentional about how you give it.
Let’s take a second to consider how you can use that tool in the most efficient and productive way.
This is an important question because how you treat your child’s feelings is how they learn to treat their own feelings. In addition, it’s also how they learn to treat other people’s feelings.
Do you actually want to teach your child to ignore their feelings? Or, respond by punishing themselves for their feelings?
If your feelings were ignored or punished when you were growing up, it’s helpful to reflect on the impact this has on how you relate to your own emotions.
Do you see how that impacts how you relate to other people’s feelings?
If you were told not to cry, do you find yourself telling people not to worry or not to make a big deal out of things? Or judging people (even if you don’t tell them) for worrying or “making a big deal”?
None of this comes from an uncaring place. It’s just how we have been taught on a collective level.
The question is, now with more awareness, how would you like to teach your kids to deal with their feelings, knowing that when they are grown up they will have a relationship with their emotions and the emotions of others based on what you show them?
As a parent you want to address your kids’ emotions and use strategies that are helpful in the present; but also try to think ahead about how you are shaping healthy habits for them in adulthood.
Even by asking this question, it immediately highlights that we have some collective black and white thinking about how to respond to emotions.
A good place to start is: what do I think is a healthy way to respond to emotions?
Next, a good question to ask is: am I doing that with my emotions now and modeling that to my kids?
And, finally: how can I teach what I consider to be a healthy way of dealing with feelings to my child in the moments they are having a tantrum or big feelings.
If our kids regularly see us lose our temper then they will think that’s a normal and acceptable response when they get upset. Then when you try to redirect their tantrum or other negative behavior, what you are asking them to do will not line up with what they he seen you do; for a child that can be confusing.
“Provide positive consequences when your child behaves appropriately. Praise him for managing his feelings well and point out good behavior…”
“The goal is to teach him socially appropriate ways to deal with his big feelings. By teaching him healthier ways to express himself, you’re giving him a lesson to use throughout his life.” (verywellfamily.com | How to deal with Temper Tantrums; Amy Morin, LCSW | May 29, 2021)
Start teaching your children about emotions early so that they can get comfortable with them and know that they are a part of life. We recently discussed how you can instill emotional maturity in your kids, you can check that blog out HERE.
Everyone has different beliefs and values, so this post is about helping you clarify yours for yourself.
Teaching kids about emotions happens mostly through modeling. So, whatever you want to teach your child, model it, don’t just teach about it in the moment. They are always watching. Modeling your behavior comes more naturally than them having to remember the thing you taught them about feelings..
One way to slow things down and come into the moment is to reflect back to them: there are some big emotions right now and that’s OK. I’m here with you.
If your child is doing unsafe things to express emotion, simply focus words/actions/boundaries on being safe. Safety should be the priority and correcting the behavior can be the focus once the safety concern has been addressed.
If your child is old enough, debrief later, teach with a couple short sentences so they can integrate the experience and learn about how to be with emotion better next time. Sometimes talking about their emotions, outside of the emotional event, means they are more receptive to listening and accepting that their behavior was not the best choice of how to handle it.
As a parent your main goal is to have a healthy, happy child that goes on to be a happy, healthy adult. That happens through considering how your actions and reactions to behaviors now can affect how they cope and respond to the big feelings they will experience later in life.
It’s almost that time! We thought we’d take a moment to talk about preparing to return to school. Transitions can be tough for kids AND adults. For some families, it might be ‘sweet relief’ to get into the structure and flow of a school year; …
There is no parent in the world that wakes up and says “I’m going to be a terrible parent today”. As a parent you are doing your very best, and sometimes it can seem like doing your best means that your parenting needs to be …
Knowing the way therapy with kids looks different than therapy with adults can help you feel more relaxed in the process of bringing your child to therapy. Once I point out the fact that there is a difference, it seems obvious.
However, when you are concerned about something going on with your child, you want to see that the concern is being addressed directly, and that is totally understandable.
Here’s the thing, taking a super direct approach doesn’t always get underneath what is causing the concern, at least with kids it doesn’t. And we do want to get underneath it because you’ve probably done the things you can do to directly address the problem, and you are not seeing improvements, which is why you are bringing your child to therapy.
So let’s look at three ways therapy with kids is different.
The bulk of development and learning happen in early life through play and art; so in therapy this is where a lot of the work gets done. Do you notice how your kid pays attention so much better when a game is involved?
“There’s a bit of a communication gap between children and adults. Depending on age and stage of development, children simply don’t have the language skills of adults. They may feel something, but in many cases, they either can’t express it to an adult or don’t have a trusted adult to express it to.” “Since the child can’t adequately express themselves in the adult world, the therapist joins the child in their world, on their level.” (Healthline.com | How Play Therapy Treats and Benefits Children and Some Adults | October 11, 2019 https://www.healthline.com/health/play-therapy#how-it-works)
Kids learn about the world through playing, so it only makes sense that we would meet them in their world to understand and communicate effectively with them. Engaging in play or art helps them relax and open up, allowing them to express themselves.
The information we gather, as therapists, is based on our ability to see into the metaphors your child presents and in what we observe about how they engage in therapy. So we are looking at the content of what they bring up through art and play AND at the way they are playing, what emotions, behaviors, body language, ways of communicating come up.
While your child might say deeply insightful things and share incredible wisdom, consider how those insights are always shared spontaneously. They are powerful observers and have a way of getting to the heart of the matter, but not necessarily when you are trying to get an answer out of them.
You have seen this when your child says something deep or insightful and then you try to ask follow up questions to find out more and they change the subject and bring up something random.
When we ask direct questions, that has the effect of engaging the logical mind and a child’s logical mind is very black and white in how it conceptualizes. This is why it may be hard for them to understand figurative language, humor or irony – because these are forms of communication that are not black and white and kids often just cannot grasp it.
Kids are also keen on detecting if they are in trouble or if there is something “bad” about what they are doing, so you will often encounter defenses when asking direct questions.
Questions that adults may be willing to answer and able to process and respond to very easily, could be met with hesitance when asked to a child; or they may simply refuse to respond because they do not understand. It may come across as defiance but the lack of a response may be a coping mechanism.
This all relates back to the cognitive development stage of your child, which is characterized by concrete thinking.
Kids may be able to tell you if they are mad or sad, but they can’t always connect those feelings with the situations or experiences that caused them (unless it’s immediate, in the moment, like: “I’m mad because she hit me”). If they cannot acknowledge or understand the relationship between their feelings and what caused them to surface, their ability to express it to you will be very limited and what they can tell you will be very basic.
This is where you get really extreme statements like “I hate you” or “I hate school” or “I hate my sister” and, of course, that is concerning as a parent. It’s true that they might feel that way in the moment; and in that moment, in their mind, it’s almost like there are only two options to express what they feel, either “I like it” or “I hate it”.
But sometimes it isn’t deep seated trauma or major emotional issues, it’s just that they are emotional and don’t have the capacity (skills or cognitive development) to express or conceptualize what’s going on inside of them.
This can be frustrating for you as a parent because you want to know what your child is feeling so you can help them, but before you pressure them to explain their feelings, think about how frustrating it can be for your child to have those feelings and not really be able to readily communicate them.
If your child is struggling with emotions and you are not able to help them move past them in a positive way, don’t blame them or yourself. It may be time to look into therapy for them. We discussed child therapy in a past blog post and you can read it HERE.
That might mean that therapy sessions with your child look like they are just playing or doing art. There’s a lot happening underneath the surface. And, a good child therapist will communicate with you about what they are seeing, teaching some simple skills to both you and your child and getting feedback from you about what is happening in your child’s life (because kids are not great reporters) so that therapy can move with your child and their needs.
There’s a lot of conversation around holding boundaries with people in our life. But how about with ourselves? If we are putting an emphasis on something like boundaries in a relationship, we also want to check in on what we are doing around that very …