As a parent, you are constantly having to make decisions about what is best for your child and what they need.
When it comes to certain behaviors and situations, the decision may not always be cut and dry, and your first thought about what they need may not be the right one.
If they are acting out, seeking negative attention, or looking for constant reassurance, you may need to address the underlying need for attention rather than focusing on discipline.
Let’s talk about the signs that can clue you in to that need for attention.
Increased Clinginess
Throughout your child’s life they may go through periods of clinginess related to the developmental stage they are in; this is to be expected as they navigate the different stages of life. But sometimes clinginess can come from out of nowhere and not necessarily be related to the natural changes they are going through.
If they haven’t had enough quality connection time, they may cling to fill that need. Sometimes they may not feel like they have really been seen or heard by you, even if you have been near each other. Time with you fills their emotional tank and when it is running low, they look for ways to fill it back up, and clinging to you can achieve that.
Clinginess can also be a signal that they are feeling insecure, anxious or experiencing stress. Their increased need to be close to you may be their way of communicating this because they don’t know how to express those feelings. Emotional safety is found in the person they love and trust and that is what they are seeking.
Regression
If older children start behaving like they’re younger, it can be a sign that they feel overwhelmed. Some of the behaviors could include bedwetting, tantrums, and baby talk. Regression is usually a sign that there is something big and stressful going on in the child’s life and it’s too much for them to process with their normal coping skills.
Regression is common and it’s not surprising for kids to regress when they are adjusting to new situations like starting preschool or becoming an older sibling. Although it usually happens during the toddler and preschool years, it can happen to older kids too.
“Rest assured, regression is common. In fact, it is to be expected and it’s very helpful to further development – think of it as your child’s way of preparing themselves for taking on more responsibility.”
(Rich, Mandy. “Child regression: What it is and how you can support your little one.” Unicef. https://www.unicef.org/parenting/child-development/what-is-childhood-regression)
Continue reassuring your child so they know they are supported, be encouraging and attentive to their needs so they can get back on track.
Repeating Themselves
If your child is asking the same questions over and over again, more than likely they know they answer, they are just trying to engage with you. If they can get you to keep answering their questions, then they are getting you to talk to them and you are giving them attention.
Receiving affirmation from you may be their way of addressing an unmet need they have. They may simply be lonely or bored, or they may be dealing with an underlying emotional challenge or stress.
Sometimes kids just want to feel valued and loved, and getting this interaction with you helps them to achieve that.
You can find more signs that your child needs connection instead of correction here in a post from Dr. Jazmine of @themompsychologist.
Kids don’t typically know how to say, “I need you,” so they act out or show it instead.
“Giving attention doesn’t mean meeting all of your child’s demands at every turn. Rather, it means engaging with them consistently and lovingly each day.”
(Munson, Joan. “Attention-Seeking Behavior in Young Children: Do’s and Don’ts for Parents.” Empowering Parents. https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/attention-seeking-behavior-in-young-children-dos-and-donts-for-parents/#google_vignette)
Some ideas for healthy attention can include reading a book, eating family meals together, one-on-one playtime, an engaging bedtime routine, participating in school activities or events together.
If a child’s misbehavior disappears when you give them some positive attention (playing, eye contact, asking about their day), that’s a strong clue they’re seeking connection, and that will be more helpful than correction.
If you would love guidance on knowing the difference between when your child needs connection and when they need discipline or boundaries, we’d love to support you with that. Contact us here. Every child is different and phases of their life will be different.
If the attention-seeking behaviors are severe, persistent, or interfering with your child’s development, you may want to consider seeking professional help from a therapist or counselor.
If this is the case for you, contact us, we can help.
