How Are You Holding Up?
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Tag: Manhattan Beach Counselor
How Often Should I Go To Therapy?
Aside from “how long does therapy take?”, which was discussed last week, another common question is “how often should I be seeing my therapist?” Again, it depends. So let’s talk about that. What follows applies to those who are coming in for individual, family, couples, …
Is Rest At The Top of Your To Do List? Why Not?
We all know there is a point of diminishing returns when it comes to productivity. But do you act on the signals your body is giving you to take a break? It’s hard to do that, isn’t it?
While we all might ignore hunger, thirst or bathroom signals when we are busy, stopping to get those needs met seem more acceptable than stopping your to do list to rest.
There is a pervasive message about the importance of working over resting.
I certainly grew up with lots of messages around the importance of being a productive and contributing citizen of the world. Did you?
I know my father did. We were talking about it last night after seeing psychologist and mindfulness teacher, Tara Brach, speak on her new book Radical Compassion. It was like a revelation for him, recalling messages he got from his own family (all with the very best intentions) growing up. He brought up a memory of his father taking him to skid row as a teenager, telling him that is where he would end up if he did not dedicate himself to his studies. I know my mother experienced those same messages around being productive. And, of course, so did I.
In fact, work ethic has been the main contributor to my sense of self worth. The fact that I love what I do and want to do what I do makes that easier, but overworking is something I have had to wrestle with my entire adult life. And, I have to continue to keep my eye on it.
Working around the clock (whether that is in your home or in your career) is seen as a badge of honor. How much you accomplish is certainly seen as a badge of honor.
But at what cost?
If you are being the most productive person you know, are you also the most kind and connected to your loved ones? If you are being the most productive person you know, are you also the most healthy physically and mentally?
At the end of the day, what is actually most important to you? If it is other things (quality of connections/interactions, physical or mental well being, being present) over being the most productive, then it is good time to re-evaluate and find some space for yourself.
It’s a good time to work on making some peace with rest.
If you need some some science to ease you into that process of making peace with rest, read this short article about sleep and mental health (3 min).
When you are not getting enough rest or stuck in productivity mode, you are not in a level headed space. That means your experience of life and your internal world are much more chaotic when there may be nothing actually chaotic occurring.
Read: stress begets stress.
That’s not good for your nervous system, which means it is not good for your overall physical, mental or emotional health.
Of course, everyone has a different set point of productivity that is right for their system. Not having enough productivity in your life can be anxiety producing and depressing. So, it’s important to find the balance that works for you.
Do you know your stress signals? These can be used to your advantage by supporting you in finding that balance. Read more on how to do that here and here.
As always, if you need help undoing some of this programing around productivity, we are happy to help. Contact us and we will connect you with a therapist that can offer that support.
What is your favorite form of rest?
A nap? Going to the ocean? Drinking tea? Reading?
**Disclaimer: One Heart Counseling Center is not affiliated with The Nap Ministry or any of its messaging. We just love their messages about reinforcing the importance of rest in and of itself.
This Father’s Response to his Daughter’s Feelings Captures the Essence of Emotional Health
This viral video was shared in a group recently and it stopped me in my tracks. Watch what he does in the first video (3 min) and then listen to what he says about that experience in the second video (4 min). And then I’ll …
Overwhelmed? Take these 3 steps.
It is that time of year. So much is going on and coming up. And, that is natural. When overwhelm hits, it feels like you need to do all the things. What actually needs to happen is taking a step back. Not much good comes …
Community Resource: My Ed Therapist
You know when you are talking with someone and you can tell they are super passionate about what they do?
That’s my experience of Stephanie Pitts, Educational Therapist and owner of My Ed Therapist in Redondo Beach, CA.
I knew about educational therapy before I met Stephanie, but I was never as interested in it as when she started sharing about her work. I could listen to her talk about it all day. Actually, we can all literally listen to her talk about it all day because she has a podcast called Learn Smarter with a fellow Ed Therapist, Rachel Kapp. That’s a great way to learn about educational therapy and how it could support you or your kids.
I immediately started to think of clients I have worked with who are earnest in their studies, but struggle in a massive uphill battle in school. Even if it is just around organization. Meaning, they get their work done, but can’t manage to turn it in. Or, they care about school, but seems like they can’t show what they know when they sit down to take a test. Or, they hate school but they are extremely bright and just learn differently so their academic performance does not match their ability. It’s discouraging to say the least and it doesn’t have to be this way!
My Ed Therapist’s website describes educational therapy as a way to offer “a wide range of intensive, individualized interventions designed to remediate learning problems”. Further, it “demystifies learning problems and stimulates clients’ awareness of their strengths so they can use those strengths to overcome or compensate for areas of weakness”.
My Ed Therapist is a team of educational therapists who all have different specialities and are committed to giving people back their access to learning.
My Ed Therapist offers client sessions, will support you in understanding your child’s academic needs, can offer guidance about how to navigate the IEP process and they have a drop in group session on Sunday nights for current clients to organize backpacks and assignments so your child or teen is all set for the week. Isn’t that awesome?
This team works with you and your family to find more aligned ways to be successful academically. And, that academic success can shape a life path.
I know that my ability to be successful in my profession and continue to grow as a professional and as a human being hinge on my ability to access, capture and integrate information.
I wouldn’t be able to do what I do or be the person I am without having the power of knowing I can learn anything I want.
Don’t you want that for yourself and the people you love?
3 Quick Tips on How to Set and Hold Boundaries
Boundaries are one of the most important ways you care for your relationships and for yourself. It’s a way of being honest about what works for you and what doesn’t. This has nothing to do with being selfish. When you are not clear with others …
When You Resist Your Feelings: There’s no “Trying” in Emotions!
When I was thinking about this post, a little scene from A League Of Their Own popped into my head: Well, in the world of emotion, sometimes there is lots of crying! But there is no trying, especially when it comes to feelings you are …
Emotions: Are They in the Way or Getting You on the Way?
“Emotions can get in the way or get you on the way.”
-Mavis Mazhura
So, how are you supposed to tell the difference?
Are they getting in the way? Or getting you on the way?
Let’s break this down.
–> We have emotions that are current.
[Hint: these help you get on your way]
–> We have emotions that come from the past. They might not have been fully resolved, which means current circumstances can bring them to the surface.
[Hint: these can get in the way or get you on the way]
–> We have emotions that are based on misinformation (assumptions that are not true, misunderstanding the meaning of someone’s communication, unhelpful or untrue thoughts).
[Hint: these get in the way]
Here’s the GOAL: The picture of emotional health and well being is to be able to allow and tolerate any emotion in the entire range of human emotion and allow it to process through your body and consciousness.
You do this by simply allowing it, acknowledging it, downloading any messages being given and acting on that guidance.
Easier to say than do. For sure.
So how can you tell which is which and what do you do about it:
Emotions that are current.
How to spot them:
These feelings are lighter, they don’t have a lot of strings. They are clear and likely easy to identify. These emotions usually will not cause a lot of chaos or upset. They resolve easily.
These emotions are here mostly to guide you in the present moment toward what you want or away from what you don’t want. They are here to show you your boundaries or maybe here to help you move through a certain stage of your life onto the next stage.
What to do with them:
They arise, like a wave in the ocean and they are meant just to break (find expression) and resolve.
You can support this process by simply allowing any feelingto arise (that doesn’t mean you act on it, it just means you allow it to be present), acknowledging it(could be just inside yourself) and getting any informationfrom it that you need.
What if they keep coming up?
If the current emotions are leading you into a change that needs to be made in your life, it’s important to understand that this is likely a set of emotions that will come in waves over time. They will prepare you by potentially being unpleasant so that you find yourself wondering what changes you need to make.
The unpleasant feelings also motivate you and give you the energy to act on them because you want to resolve them.
That doesn’t happen in one day.
So, if you find yourself repeatedly being frustrated, angry or disappointed, that is a clue that it is a set of emotions that is likely asking you for a change. Understanding that these waves are coming through will help you resist spiraling into places you don’t need to go.
Emotions coming from the past that might not have been fully resolved.
How to spot them:
They usually feel more intense than the situation warrants.
It can feel like a flood of intense emotion or lots of tears.
Or, it can be a total shutdown. Like, you refuse to talk about it with anyone, do not want to think about it and want to hide it in 100 miles inside the earth.
What to do with them:
If you catch yourself in this intense emotion and you suspect this might be bringing up some feelings from the past, you are already ahead of the game. Just your awareness of what is happening is a massive step and offers some relief.
Get some perspective by taking some space from the situation. Walk your dog, work out, go watch a movie, catch up with a friend and don’t talk about it, just….take your mind somewhere else.
When you’ve gotten some space from the feelings: Reflect, write or talk about the issue.
Ask yourself: When have you felt this way before? How is this situation the same or different? Is there anything here for me to learn?
What if they keep coming up?
If it is the same as other situations and it is repeatedly coming up, that is because your emotional system wants to resolve whatever is not healed.
Don’t ignore it. Resolving it may be something that needs to happen for you to take the next steps towards your goals.
I have had many situations where I have had goals and there was an unresolved issue (tangle of trapped emotions) blocking the way. Once it resolved, I was able to get where I wanted to go.
In growing my business, I had to address a lot of self worth issues. Layers of them. Not exactly fun.
But paying attention to my feelings when they came up and addressing these issues (processing unresolved emotions) is a big part of why I was able to break through and reach some of my important business goals.
If stuff from the past keeps coming up and stopping you from living as you wish, a therapist can definitely help.
If you have done a fair amount of personal growth work and you want to really get to the stuff that you are holding onto on an unconscious level, I can HIGHLY recommend working with an Emotion Code practitioner. I have personally done this work and I have gotten underneath things years of therapy has not. It’s amazing.
Emotions based on misinformation.
How to spot them:
It might feel very chaotic and like your mind is all over the place. You might feel like you can’t organize your thoughts. You might be in a zone of blame and judgement.
Again, your reaction may seem bigger than the situation warrants. That usually means that you are not seeing things clearly. There might be an assumption that is not true, you might be misunderstanding the meaning of someone’s communication/actions or you might be experiencing unhelpful or untrue thoughts.
What to do with them:
You want to check if there might be an assumption that is not true, a misunderstanding of the meaning of someone’s communication/actions or unhelpful/untrue thoughts.
If you are not sure, that’s a good time to ask a level headed friend, mentor or counselor.
There are times when I ask “can I borrow your brain for a second? What do you see here?”
Usually the person I ask sees things differently and seeing from their perspective helps me see where I have misinterpreted something.
What if they keep coming up?
This is where you want to ask yourself if you might have a pattern of taking things personally or maybe have adopted a critical mindset.
If this keeps coming up, it’s a good time to talk to a therapist or ask a close friend for reflections. It could be a phenomenal growth opportunity.
The Big Picture
Trapped emotions from the past and emotions based on misinformation are part of what give emotions a bad reputation. The truth is we were designed very well and emotions are meant to be a resource, not a hinderance.
Consider that we probably would not have that many trapped emotions if we learned early on in our lives about how to use our human emotional system properly.
That’s a great motivation to work through this stuff if you are a parent or plan to be one! Set your kids up for emotional health by getting yours on track.
Even if you are the picture of emotional health today, there are probably some emotions in the past that will be triggered by what is happening now.
It’s designed like that for a reason.
Current circumstances will bring up feelings from the past because it is an opportunity for that trapped emotion to get processed. If you know about that, it helps so you can just let those guys through.
Once emotions get processed through, you have more and more clarity and ease in life. There is more space for enjoying things. You have energy for your purpose instead of emotions getting in the way.
When emotions are able to process through, they get you on the way.
What if Jealousy is a Sheep in Wolf’s Clothing?
You read that correctly. A sheep in wolf’s clothing. Jealousy gets villainized. It is regarded as unbecoming. And, I get that. But let’s not throw the baby out with the bathwater… This post is #8 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and …