Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
I’m sure you’ve had the experience in your life of wishing someone would change. It can bring up a lot of anger and conflict. Maybe you’ve even felt powerless to change things for yourself. There are lots of reasons people don’t change. Let’s talk about …
Throughout your life you will connect with people you encounter at school, work, and in your personal life. As you develop relationships with different people you will need to utilize a variety of skills to maintain positive, healthy relationships that make life more enjoyable. In …
There’s a lot more information about trauma out there on social media now, which is great because it elevates collective awareness around trauma and how it impacts our daily lives.
You’ve probably heard of flight or flight as responses to trauma triggers, but you may not have heard so much about what the “fawn” response is, and we want to shed some light on that here.
“A trauma response is the reflexive use of over-adaptive coping mechanisms in the real or perceived presence of a trauma event…” (mindbodygreen.com | mbghealth | Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Examining The 4 Trauma Responses; Julie Nguyen, Kristina Hallett, September 11, 2021)
If you experience something that your body feels is unsafe your brain will activate a response to keep you safe. It’s like an alarm is set off when the trauma occurs and then you are triggered to silence the alarm.
Sometimes the experience may not be life threatening or a really big event, like a death or war, smaller events can also be linked to trauma. These events, though smaller, can still be overwhelming and cause stress. There is a range of what trauma can look like and it doesn’t have to be huge to impact you in a significant way.
“Trauma affects you differently depending on whether you have experienced it once, repeatedly, or over the course of time.” (University of Maryland Medical System | Trauma Response: Understanding How Trauma Affects Everyone Differently)
The four types of trauma responses are: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn. You have probably heard of the first three; fight is when you take action in some way to address the trauma, flight is when you avoid or run away from the problem and/or others, freeze is when you can’t do anything, almost like a play dead response…but what about that last one, fawn? Let’s take a look at what the fawn response is.
Most of us want others to like us and be happy. But if you are always going over and beyond to appease people and ignore your own needs then you could be exhibiting a fawn response.
“Fawning is a trauma response where a person develops people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict and to establish a sense of safety.” (charliehealth.com | Is Fawning a Trauma Response? What You Need to Know | Charlie Health Editorial Team)
Some patterns associated with people who exhibit this trauma response include being overly agreeable, afraid to say no and being disconnected from their own needs due to always prioritizing the needs of others. The trauma they have experienced has led them to believe that they have to go with the flow in order to stay safe; they cannot say no because that will lead to a place or circumstance that is unsafe for them. (Peters, Jen | @jenpeters_soulguide_healer)
This is common in trauma survivors as they will try to please their abusers so that they hopefully can avoid more abuse. It can also be present for people in toxic or high-conflict relationships because they want to keep peace and not have to deal with conflict; they would rather just do whatever they can to make the other person happy.
The fawn response is a coping mechanism that you may feel is essential for survival or your only chance at living in peace. Unfortunately, fawning can lead to losing yourself. If you are constantly tending to the needs of others and putting them and their well-being first; you start to abandon yourself, which will eventually diminish your self-worth along with other challenges that impact your life.
Once you realize that a fawn response is what you are dealing with, it’s helpful to take steps to start to get to know your boundaries. Don’t judge yourself, instead acknowledge that your trauma response was your way of coping and surviving. (Amjad, Amna | @sonder.therapy) There are some helpful posts on boundaries here and here.
It’s a process and you can start by assessing your personal values so you can determine what is important to you and the people you want in your life.
You will also have to learn to be comfortable with other people not liking you or not always being happy with you. Again, this is a process. Therapy is a helpful tool because you have the support from a trained professional to help you identify and hold the boundaries
This includes tolerating and/or communicating through the discomfort that comes with other people’s responses. Remember, that is a trauma trigger: other people’s responses to what you imagine or what they actually don’t like. So your mind will send up the flares saying that something is definitely wrong as you go through the process of healing the fawn response. It takes practice and may require professional support. Doing this practice and getting support has the potential to rebalance your relationships, break generational patterns and lead to tremendously improved health on so many levels.
“Feelings are meant to be felt, and if we keep attempting to extinguish our own emotions, we are actively fighting and denying what makes us human.” (healthline.com |People-Pleaser? Here Are 5 Ways to Unlearn Your ‘Fawn’ Response; Sam Dylan Finch)
Keep in mind, we are human beings raised by human beings, we’re going to have some adverse experiences. The point of understanding trauma and our natural responses is to not villainize the people who raised you; they did the best they could with the knowledge, resources and capabilities they had.
Do you ever try to take a relaxing moment to yourself, and then notice your brain is escaping to the never ending to do list, upcoming events, or a past mistake? Our brain tends to focus on the past or future, which can lead to …
In today’s society lots of activities, both business and pleasure, involve a screen. It’s important to understand the impact of too much screen time and to consider ways to manage it wisely. Did you know that looking at a screen all day can impact your …
When clients are going through a difficult time, they often want to work through the stressors. Of course. However, I often redirect them to really focusing on the basics to create a stable platform from which to address what is happening. Creating that stability makes approaching any stressor much more effective.
You might feel like you have little control when you are in the middle of a trying time, however, these 5 basics are things that you can manage and focus on despite your circumstances. Redirecting your attention on what is in your locus of control, in and of itself, is helpful. All 5 of these basics have been proven to improve overall well-being.
Let’s take a look at each one.
Eating healthy foods is important. And, eating regularly is also right up there. This means that you don’t skip meals or continue to eat when you feel full. Doing either of these can have a negative impact on your physical and mental health.
Your body likes consistency and eating on a regular schedule helps establish that consistent routine that your body desires.
Skipping meals can cause your blood sugar to drop and when your blood sugar is low you may feel tired, irritable or depressed. Cutting out entire food groups can have a negative impact on your physical and mental health because it will be difficult to get all the essential nutrients that your body needs.
Food is essential for your body to function properly and when your body is not functioning properly, your mental health can follow. Focus on identifying healthy foods that feel good in your body and developing a regular eating habits.
Staying hydrated is important for many reasons. Dehydration can lead to poor concentration, inability to think clearly, depressed mood, tiredness and anxiety.
Your body is made up of about 60% water and your brain is made up of around 70% water. Knowing that your body and brain consists of a large amount of water helps you understand how important it is to stay hydrated because we need water to live.
When you don’t drink enough water your body signals to your brain that there is a problem and this can lead to heightened emotions like anxiety and nervousness.
Some common signs of dehydration include: changes in your skin, dry mouth, constipation, thirst, depression, sleeplessness, headaches, irritability, increased mental distress. It’s important to know these signs so that if they are present, you can focus on drinking more water to reestablish a sense of well being.
The amount of rest you get plays a role in how you feel both physically and mentally. If you don’t get enough rest you may start to feel irritable, depressed and/or anxious. Poor sleep habits can contribute to your ability to handle even minor stressors during the day.
A lot happens in your brain while you are sleeping, therefore, getting enough sleep facilitates proper brain function. Sleep problems can be a symptom of mental health disorders, such as depression, however, it’s also possible for lack of sleep to cause depression or other disorders. Therefore, developing a regular bedtime routine and healthy sleep habits are essential.
Staying active and moving your body has lots of health benefits. Regular exercise can reduce stress, improve concentration and help you sleep better at night.
You do not have to be a certain age or even at a certain fitness level to see the mental health benefits of regular movement. There are a variety of options for exercise and physical activity, therefore, you can choose an activity that you enjoy and do not have to stick to just one mode of exercise.
People who exercise tend to feel a sense of well-being and increased motivation. Physical activity is a great coping mechanism during challenging times because endorphins are released that increase a sense of well being.
Mindfulness is a term you may have heard a lot. Simply put, mindfulness is being aware of and focusing on the present moment and having an attitude that is open and accepting.
Mindfulness is a practice that can encourage new perspectives, which is important when dealing with a challenging period in your life. Mindfulness can help you manage strong emotions by focusing on your breathing, your body and your senses. Benefits may include reduced fear, anxiety and stress, as well as improved attention, concentration and memory.
Mindfulness is a technique that may take practice and that’s okay. Over time, as you establish this as one of the essential basics, you can determine the right amount of mindfulness meditation for you.
Need some resources on how to practice mindfulness? Try Mindful.org, Mayo Clinic and Positive Psychology. Or try one of these mindfulness apps from this list of 15.
Having basic routines and habits to dedicate your time and attention to can be a powerful coping mechanism that can be applied to a variety of circumstances and situations. Coming back to this baseline is essential and can cut down on spiraling into suffering and, worse, into declining mental health that can require the support of medication or put a strain on how well you are able to function in the important parts of your life.
Want to add some support to help you maintain a balanced baseline through a challenging moment? We would love to support you. Contact us.
A few weeks ago, we talked about how important it is to consider the possibility that what other people do is not always about you. People are responding to you in accordance to their own past, their own assumptions and their own tendencies. This is …
This comes up a lot. I get that it is confusing. How can an interaction between two people not be personal? Meaning, how can you not take what someone does or says personally??? Well, it FEELS personal. Of course. The things is, most of what …
Until I trained as a therapist, I never intentionally paid attention to what happens in the process of communicating with someone. Communication just happened.
As I learned what process vs content meant, I realized how much information is embedded in the actual process of communication. I spend time with clients in session often helping them refocus on the process instead of focusing so much on the content.
The process is what is happening in a conversation between the two people. Like the overall dynamic. Are two people listening to one another and being attentive to what is being said? Is someone getting defensive, being loving, trying to manipulate?
The content is literally the details of the words being said.
So, think about two people fighting over dishes being in the sink. Whose dishes they are and how long they have been there is the content of the conversation. We get so easily drawn into the content as human beings because it feels like we can argue these points concretely and this is where we are taught to focus. But as we argue about these details, we are literally getting nowhere.
The deeper level (the process) of what is happening in the conversation is how that communication is going down. Is someone getting angry or getting defensive? Is someone asking for help in a loving way? Is this conversation actually about something else that is happening in the relationship, but its easier to talk about the dishes?
See what I mean? There is so much more information in the process. If we can see into that level of the conversation, we can actually get somewhere.
How often are you left upset about an interaction when what someone else did or said has really very little to do with you? Wasted time and energy, friend.
Remember the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz? One of them is Don’t Take Anything Personally. There’s a reason for that.
For example, your partner may have had another experience of someone not doing the dishes before or not feeling supported or feeling like they have to do all the things, so they are triggered and communicating through that lens.
Or, the communication in their own household growing up was critical and so they see things and communicate through that lens.
Or they have a job that is centered around attention to detail so they notice when things are out of place more.
Or, they have always been criticized for leaving things undone because they get distracted easily and they are defensive when people point out shortcomings that result from that distractibility.
Notice how none of that has to really do with you or the dishes?
When you pay attention the process, you start being able to separate out what is about you in the conversation and what is about them.
Once you sort out what you are contributing to the issue, you can actually do something about that. Because that part IS about you. And you have control over you.
What is about you in the conversation might be that you are being reactive to your partner’s stuff because you are taking it personally. You have control over that when you start to see beyond the content and into the process.
Your part might be that you are not being mindful about the dishes. You can work on that. The other person’s part might be that they are not feeling supported, that could be part of how they always feel because its hard to ask for and actually receive help. No amount of dishes you do will fix that. There will be something else you are not doing sooner or later. Or vice versa.
What if the reason you are not being mindful about the dishes is because you are overwhelmed and your stress levels are too high? That’s probably impacting more than the dishes. It is impacting your health and your ability to be present in the important relationships in your life.
Maybe it is time to focus on stress management and get into communication with your partner about the fact that you might need a little bit of leeway until you get this under control. If you ask for leeway or support, make sure you are actively *doing your work* to address the issue you are asking for leeway to handle.
When you first pay attention to this level of the conversation, you might only catch it after the fact. Unless you are in therapy with a therapist having this conversation in a couples therapy or family therapy session. It’s OK to realize after the fact, that’s the first step. Keep practicing.
When you are in conversations with your loved ones, start to notice what’s happening as it’s happening. “Oh, I’m getting defensive” or “wow, they are getting defensive”.
If someone is getting defensive, that is because they feel threatened. Check if you are saying something critical, are you creating a threat? If not, maybe their defensiveness is not about what you are doing in the moment.
If it’s not about you, you don’t have to continue in the conversation. Find a way to wrap it up and give a little space.
If it’s important, talk about it later. Ask if you inadvertently said something that bothered your person. They might say no because they are not used to talking or reflecting on this level. That’s totally fine, you are building trust and creating space for a deeper level of communication. It doesn’t happen over night!
So keep paying attention, making comments about what is happening in the process (“I’m noticing that I’m getting worked up”) and saying reflective things about conversations after the fact. They can be nice and encouraging process comments too like “I felt really good when you said xyz”. The goal is to be building up that safe space so that you both can start to focus on process vs. content.
This short technique is scientifically tested and proven to create well being physically and emotionally that we thought might be helpful to share in this moment. It’s a great thing to practice when you are going to transition activities, like from work to engage with …