Attending family therapy with your parents as an adult can bring up a lot of emotions. You might feel hopeful, anxious, or maybe even resistant. Obviously as an adult, you’re no longer a child under their care, but you’re still their kid. But you still want them to be your parent. So, it’s weird and you might wonder if therapy will actually help. All of these feelings and thoughts are valid, so let’s get into what you can expect.
The way you grow up continues to influence you as an adult because it has shaped how you see yourself, how you relate to others, and how you handle conflict. If you’re choosing to go to therapy with your parents it should not be to place blame on them and how they raised you, but to process unresolved feelings, and to find healthier ways of relating to them now that you’re an adult.
How to Prepare
Family therapy will not be a quick fix because change takes time. It might feel like the progress is slow but it will be worth it. You will want to be clear with each other, prior to starting therapy, what your goals are.
Do you want to understand each other better, or decrease the tension that you feel when you are together? Or maybe there are other things you want to get out of it, but clarifying that on the front end will be helpful.
Go into it with an open mind. Be prepared to listen and try to understand where everyone is coming from. This doesn’t mean that you allow your parents to minimize your feelings or experiences, you can be open to their truth while still holding onto yours.
Remember that you are an adult now, your parents do not have any authority over you, how you feel, or decisions you make. Attending therapy with them does not mean you are returning to a parent-child dynamic, you are all adults and it takes some shifting to be able to relate as adults..
What to expect
A therapist’s office is a neutral space, so unlike when you were younger and you were living under your parents’ roof and their rules, you can be assured that you are in a space where everyone’s voice matters. The therapist will guide your conversations so no one dominates and everyone feels heard.
Every family communicates differently so one of the topics of discussion will likely be about your family’s communication style. This might include looking at how your parents communicated with you when you were younger and how you communicate with each other now. This, along with some reflections from the therapist can give some insight into your relationship and how it can be improved. Learning communication skills that work for your family in therapy can help you, as a family, work through issues on your own, outside of therapy.
It’s common for situations and emotions from the past to come up in therapy. Don’t consider this a step backwards, even if you thought everyone had moved on from the situation, therapy is a good place to really work through it.
If you have lingering feelings of hurt or resentment, it’s best to let your therapist guide you through it so you can truly heal. It’s important to work through things that have happened in the past but you will want to move towards focusing on the present and how you can relate to each other now so that you have supportive healthy relationships.
You might think that you knew what your parents were thinking or going through when you were younger, and that has shaped how you see them and connect with them. But in therapy you will get to hear your parents share their experiences from their perspective which is one you might not have heard before. A lot of things can come to light that makes you see them differently , which can bring new empathy. You may not agree with them but you may be able to relate more to how and why they have made certain decisions or behaved a certain way.
“As parents and adult children work through old hurts, enter into more appropriate roles, manage changes, and communicate effectively, they build stronger connections.” (Epstein, Sarah. “6 Ways Family Therapy Can Help Adult Children and Parents.” Psychology Today. February 21, 2028. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/202301/6-ways-family-therapy-can-help-adult-children-and-parents.)
In a past blog we discussed how going to therapy isn’t about fixing you but it is “… a place to build a positive relationship with yourself so that you can establish positive relationships with others and the world around you.” This also holds true when it comes to family therapy and it’s a good place to start a more positive journey.
Going to family therapy with your parents as an adult is a big step forward and that will impact a lot of other relationships in your life now and in the future.
There will be some uncomfortable moments but it shows that you value the connection you have with them and want to have more positive interactions with them in the future. Taking small steps together can add up to significant changes that lead to growth and healthier relationships with the people you love.
If you are considering taking the next step to go to family therapy with your parents as an adult, contact us, we can help.
