Family relationships can be some of the most meaningful and complicated connections we have. They shape us and support us, but sometimes they hurt us. When there is conflict or tension, it’s natural to consider cutting ties with your family, but that’s not always necessary.
So let’s talk about some factors that can play into whether or not it’s best for you to cut ties or have a hard conversation and move forward with them
How do you know if having a Hard Conversation is Enough?
When it comes to having a hard conversation you want to address challenges that you’re facing in the relationship, with a goal of improving it. So you aren’t just venting to get your feelings out, you’re looking to make progress and work through the problems.
“Shared ground rules will go a long way toward establishing a positive connection between you and your family members. Certain rules like no interrupting, no shouting and no personal attacks can help keep heated discussions from becoming, well, overheated.” (“Crucial Conversations: 10 Tips for Handling Difficult Conversations with Family.” University of Maryland Medical Systems. https://health.umms.org/2020/10/05/difficult-conversations-with-family/)
If your family member shows some willingness to listen and change, then hard conversations might be what it takes to repair the relationship and move forward in a better direction. That doesn’t mean it will happen instantly, there will be repeated conversations where you hold boundaries and confront things that aren’t working.
If you’ve never tried having a hard conversation in a way that is calm and direct, then you may want to give the hard conversation a chance. All relationships have some struggles and negative spots, learning to work through those things with your family members will give you the skills to do this with other important people in your life. Some ups and downs can be a good thing because it helps you learn and understand other people, and the hard conversations can deepen your relationship.
Sometimes miscommunications, unspoken expectations, or unresolved past conflicts can be the root of the problem(s) in the relationship. Facing that reality and having a hard conversation that clearly lays out your feelings and expectations, can turn it around. If you have never been honest about things that have hurt you in the past or expectations that you have, your family member may not realize there is a problem. If the behavior is hurtful but not abusive, talking through it can lead to healthier interactions.
But when the behavior is abusive, it goes to another level that can lead to making the difficult decision of cutting ties.
When is it time to cut ties?
When you are cutting ties, you are making a decision to step away from the relationship, either temporarily or permanently, because what is happening in the relationship is harming your mental, emotional or physical health.
If you’ve tried to address problems with your family and they continue to behave the same way despite knowing how you feel, then cutting ties may be necessary. A sign that they’re not able to build a healthy, positive relationship is when they criticize boundaries, stonewall or avoid conversations about your relationship, or are not able to take responsibility.
If you have clearly expressed your needs and boundaries and they do not show a willingness to respect them and work on the relationship, then your efforts to repair the relationship will not be successful. Problems in a relationship take action and effort from both sides.
If there is abuse, manipulation, or repeated emotional harm you have to protect yourself and your well being.
“If your toxic family continues to disrespect you, to ignore your boundaries, and to gaslight you, you have every right to cut ties. You do, in fact, have the right to do this at any time, but many people wait until they realise the full impact of staying in these relationships.” (Jack, Claire. “5 Signs It’s Time to Cut Yourself Off From Your Toxic Family”. Psychology Today. August 18, 2020. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/women-with-autism-spectrum-disorder/202008/5-signs-its-time-to-cut-yourself-off-from-your)
Taking a step back can be temporary just to create some space can allow time for emotions to settle. During this time you can set firmer limits, and decide what your non-negotiables are for the relationship to resume and move forward. Sometimes time apart from one another can help bring things into focus and allow both of you to reset.
If the relationship is just too toxic or dangerous to your mental or physical health, then you may want to consider cutting ties indefinitely.
If this is what you choose to do, allow yourself time to grieve. You are experiencing a loss, even if the relationship was hard or painful. Remind yourself that it’s okay to protect your peace, and seek support from positive people in your life that you trust.
Focus on building positive communication skills and healthy relationships rather than just cutting off your family. The same thing that happens with your family will repeat with other people if you don’t do your own healing work on what happened with your family.
Your decision to have a hard conversation or cutting ties with family is personal and what is right for someone else may not be right for you. Protecting your well-being, your boundaries and your safety is what is most important.
You do not have to continue a relationship that is causing harm to your mental or physical health just because the person is a family member. Talking through your options and what is best for you with a therapist can be helpful. If you think family therapy may be helpful check out one of our past blogs here to learn more.
If you need help with how and when to have a hard conversation or cut ties with family, contact us, we can help.
