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It’s human nature to think that if you can just understand why you react a certain way you can stop doing it. But just because you know better doesn’t mean you won’t repeat the same emotional pattern. Just being aware of it is not enough. …
In today’s world, artificial intelligence (or AI) has made its way into most everything, even therapy. There are tools like ChatGPT that can be helpful for insight, reflection, and language. So using AI for support is not necessarily a bad thing. But there’s a point …
We’ve all been through some significant life adjustments in the months of quarantine. Some of them difficult to assimilate.
No matter where you are in your stance toward the pandemic, the reality is that things are starting to open up again (for now at least). This might be a relief in some ways and it can also bring up resistance.
I notice people bringing up their observations of how others are adhering or not adhering to recommendations and guidelines. And, along with these observations, there is an undercurrent of the sentiment “people are just doing what they feel like doing”. Meaning: sometimes people demonstrate strict boundaries about what is allowed, but then are willing to bend those rules when it comes to something they want to do.
The instructions have been to strictly stay at home, but go out if you have to. Or the virus can kill you OR you can have it and not know it. See how there is all kinds of space in there for your own interpretation or for your stance on it to change easily? That has lent to the uncertainty of these times, but also to the uncertainty of opening up again.
In some ways, if there have been aspects of being in quarantine that you kind of liked, there might be a temptation to use the Coronavirus as an excuse to do or not to do things. When, in reality, there might be an important change in your life that you actually want to implement that you may have felt was unacceptable or not doable in the past.
It will be less scary and work more smoothly to let these things come into your conscious awareness rather than maybe hiding behind the COVID situation.
And you want to keep things that way. It doesn’t mean you have to ask your boss to make changes right away since everything is still up in the air. But it might be a good time to reflect about how you want your work/life balance or commute to actually be going forward. This way you can have some clarity and build up your courage to communicate about the changes you would like to see with your work.
So, now would be a good time to reflect on: what is the balance that feels good to me and my family for having plans and having unscheduled time? How can I communicate that directly to others without hiding behind the skirt of the Coronavirus? Maybe it’s saying: thanks so much for the invite, but we’re going to enjoy some unscheduled time this weekend. If we end up going to the park, do you want me to text you?
Talk with your family or partner about what that might look like. Maybe you want to invest in some cooking classes to up your game or you want to have more dinner parties instead of meeting out. Maybe you want to shift your budget to include more locally sourced or high quality foods. It might seem obvious, but just owning it can create excitement or reset expectations and reduce conflict that can come up on the spot when the occasion to go out comes up.
You might decide you want to invest your time differently across your relationships. It doesn’t mean you have to tell someone directly: you drain me. But, it might mean you don’t reach out to those who are not a source of love or energy out of obligation to keep up the friendship. You might just let it be instead and acknowledge that consciously. This will support you in avoiding the trap of obligation.
Go for it. Waking up at 5am is no more noble than waking up at 10am. Do what works for your body, your quality of life and your household.
Whatever you are finding out about yourself, bring it to your conscious awareness, acknowledge it and find a way to communicate what you need to communicate so you can live your life in a way that is in greater alignment with you.
Otherwise, you might find yourself being super judgmental toward others and getting angry about how other people or organizations are handling this situation.
That energy will be better spent and your life will be happier.
If you need support seeing, implementing or communicating through some of these changes that you are ready to own, we’d love to support you. Contact us.
One of my favorite things about Anna Pirkl, MFT, ATR, LAADC is that she is committed on every level to growth and healing. For herself, for her clients, and for her community. Over the years of working together (over 6 years!), Anna has shown me …
I want to talk about the post by Sheryl Paul from Conscious Transitions “Not Attracted? Learn to Unblock the Flow of Love” that landed in my inbox on Sunday. I was interested in the title because this is a question people ask in session: It …
Adopting a new way of handling difficult things is usually not something you bother to do when everything is going great.
You are built to be drawn toward what is familiar even when that is not in your best interests and goes against sound logic.
Let’s just get this part out of the way: Your heart beats automatically. Traffic can have a tendency to bother you. The way you drive to the gym is the same. You have usual ways of interpreting people’s behavior (i.e. you assume people are on their phone when they are driving slow vs. looking for an address).
Some of these automatic programs ensure your survival. Others are short cuts to increase efficiency. Some allow you to go on autopilot and have a break.
Yes, the familiar. I know, it doesn’t seem sparkly or attractive at all. But it really is. This is a big culprit responsible for keeping you stuck in old patterns.
This is what I want to talk about.
One of the reasons you are drawn to repeat behavior patterns is because there are well established neural pathways guiding you toward those familiar behaviors.
In some ways, this is a blessing because opportunity after opportunity will arise to allow you to see and reflect on what you do. AND for you to practice doing it differently, if that is what you wish.
The thing is, now that you know, what are you going to choose?
Look at the situation and what is important to you. Is it important for you to be right? Or for you to be more connected with your partner?
What happens if you don’t make a change? Is the trust in your relationship with your teenager on the line? Is your health on the line?
What is at stake for you? Meaning: what might you lose if you don’t make this change? What might you gain if you do commit to making a change?
And, it is a real commitment. Let’s not get that twisted.
This is an aspect of mindfulness. That doesn’t mean that you have to sit in a lotus position and meditate for hours a day.
It means: can you be aware of yourself in the moment when an important interaction is occurring?
If you want to practice awareness, try this: while you are brushing your teeth, notice what you are thinking. If you start going through your to do list, say inside your head “I’m going through my to do list”. Or, if you are scrolling through social media, say inside your head “I’m scrolling through social media”.
I know that sounds pedestrian, but introducing that line of thinking to your brain gives you a better chance of actually noticing that you are engaging or about to engage in old patterns you are trying to undo.
If you are into doing something more structured and specific to increase your ability to observe yourself, try the 10 minutes a day for 10 days intro pack on Headspace. You will get a download of skills for how to meditate and observe yourself. So worth it!!! And, it’s free.
Those words make it sound easy. No. It’s sometimes hard to even catch the opportunity, but if you are practicing some self observation, that will increase your odds.
Once you are in that choice moment, it can feel torturous to give up the old way, even if it is destroying your relationships, your health, your career.
If you can withstand that moment of discomfort and choose the new way (because of what you have at stake), the payoff is massive. You can definitely do it.
Consider that until that moment of choosing a new way, you’ve been seduced by familiarity.
But now you know. And you get to choose.
I think we go into parenthood with the intention of showing love to our children and staying calm when our children are upset or misbehaving. We plan to parent in such a way that our children will only need to be told to do something …
Whether it feels like one thing after another or it feels like big things are not going your way, there is a helpful way to look at it. We all know that there is no “there” to get to where everything is perfect, when we …
How are you supposed to filter through all that feedback?
There is the end of the spectrum where you trust what other people say about you or what you should do over trusting your own inner knowing.
The other end of the spectrum is ignoring or minimizing any feedback.
Let’s face it, we can’t see 360 degrees around ourselves and we all have blind spots.
Sometimes the most important feedback can come from unexpected sources. Sometimes the feedback itself doesn’t “sound good”, but it is actually really helpful once you get past your initial feelings about it.
Ok, people are not usually trained in giving feedback. If they are hurt or concerned, they might have made a categorical statement like “you’re a jerk”. Well, people are complicated, so you can’t boil someone down to one thing.
So, let’s put it into perspective even if your loved one might have used different phrasing: do you sometimes act like a jerk? (Big difference between being one and acting like one).
You know what? Sometimes I act like a jerk. Usually under circumstances where I am overwhelmed.
If you are repeatedly getting the same feedback, it is good to take a closer look at this.
Maybe you don’t intend to come off a certain way. But you do.
So, under what conditions are you doing that? Is there anything you need to shift?
If you need help looking at this, go to a trusted friend and see if they can give you any specific examples. Try not to be defensive. You are doing this to grow.
Is there anything about this person’s feedback that is more about them than it is about you?
I remember when I was opening a private practice and a colleague was telling me about all these safety issues I needed to be concerned about. I totally took that on board. When I talked to a couple of other people, I realized that this person’s advice about safety issues was specific to them. She brought up good points, but I maybe did not need to go to the extent she was recommending.
Let’s say you want to be a person that others can come to for the truth. You get feedback that you are mean when you are just trying to be honest.
Instead of dismissing that feedback, you can investigate a little: Is it actually important to me for people to receive my honest feedback?
If you decide it is important, it would be good to ask yourself if there is anything in the way of your honest reflections being received. Are you personalizing it (i.e. saying “you’re a jerk” vs “you’re acting like a jerk”) or using a harsh tone? Are you belittling or being condescending in your tone? Is your feedback more often unsolicited? Do you maybe want to start asking if someone wants feedback before you offer it, that way they are more receptive and ready for it?
If you are not sure, ask an honest friend or a therapist.
Check to see if it could hold a valuable insight.
See if there could have been a valid reason for you acting the way someone is saying you act. Meaning, does that way of being have a noble intention?
For example, I got the same piece of feedback from two important people within the same week: “you care too much about what people think”. Ugh. I never wanted to be that person.
Because it was said to me twice, I decided to take a look. Yes, my mother was a volatile human being when I was a kid. I had to care what she thought. Caring about what she thought made it so it was less likely a bomb would go off. I just didn’t know I was continuing to be that way so much later in life when I didn’t need that strategy anymore.
Brene Brown says that she has a short list of people she trusts enough to give her honest feedback. She says that list is on a 1 inch x 1 inch square of paper. That’s a short list! Think of the people you trust in your life and just stick to their feedback, leave the rest.
The benefit of being open is that you are more approachable and feedback is vital to growth, so you will have the ability to get further faster.
The benefit of being discerning is that you will not waste your energy on information that is not FOR you.
There doesn’t seem to be anything redeeming about disappointment. It’s not exactly a feeling one appreciates. But there actually IS a gift inherent in disappointment. This post is #4 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages. The central point is: The human …