Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
What is hyper-independence? It can be a coping mechanism that you develop as a result of not having your needs met early in life or when you experience interpersonal trauma. You may feel the need to do things yourself and won’t ask for help because …
Hard conversations make everyone sweat a little. Especially if there weren’t great examples for how to handle hard conversations growing up. So, because they’re unpleasant, it’s tempting to try and avoid them. But ultimately, sometimes not having the conversation requires more work than actually having …
Throughout your life you will connect with people you encounter at school, work, and in your personal life. As you develop relationships with different people you will need to utilize a variety of skills to maintain positive, healthy relationships that make life more enjoyable.
In the age of blocking + ghosting, there is one skill that is not getting the attention it deserves: Repair.
Repair is a set of skills required to repair a relationship after a rupture, which is a challenging moment, exchange or experience that creates a disconnection in the relationship. Usually, there are a lot of emotions with this and there is not enough teaching around how to work things out with people you love.
Relationships will experience ups and downs; you will mess up and people you are in a relationship with will mess up too, because we are all human. It’s important to learn through those moments and repair.
Sometimes walking away and just cutting the person off seems like the easiest option but the loss of the relationship can be just as hurtful as the incident that occurred to fracture the relationship. “Healthy repair isn’t about accuracy, explaining, rebuttal, or even about you. It’s about maintaining the connection in the relationship.” (Schwegman, Kristi. “How to Make Repairs in Your Relationships”. Holistic Wellness Practice. September 16, 2021. www.holisticwellnesspractice.com/hwp-blog/2021/09/16/how-to-fix-a-broken-relationship)
There is a lot of information out there about red flags and toxic traits. The truth is, every person has red flag behavior and toxic traits sometimes. If you notice red flags, take the time to assess what they are and how to deal with them.
Be honest with yourself about what the relationship means to you and the pros and cons of maintaining it. Most of the time, the negative behavior is temporary, the person doesn’t live there so ending the relationship is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Repairing a relationship does not mean you just say sorry and move on. It’s important to implement repair strategies that work for you and the other person you are in a relationship with. Let’s talk about some do’s and don’ts.
Don’t pretend it didn’t happen – If you just totally ignore the fact that a problem exists or a behavior/incident occurred then it will just continue to show back up again and again.
Don’t continue to punish the other guy – Using the silent treatment as a punishment is just a way to continue the argument and not let it go which is the opposite of trying to repair. Other ways of “punishing’ the other person can include making comments about past mistakes or reminding them of things they said or did; none of these are helpful if you are trying to repair the relationship.
Don’t fail to apologize. “Apologizing is not about saying that the other person is right, i.e., you’re wrong and she wins the argument, but simply about acknowledging that you hurt the other’s feelings. Apologies are simply about taking responsibility for your side of the argument.” (Taibbi, Robert. ‘After an Argument: The Right Way to Make up”. Psychology Today. June 6, 2018. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201806/after-argument-the-right-way-make)
Do take time to cool off – Take some time to calm down and rationally think about things before you try to talk about it. Also, give the other person time to calm down before you try to talk to them.
Do apologize – Saying sorry is just a small part of apologizing, it’s also important to talk about what happened and address the underlying problem so it doesn’t continue to happen.
Do identify any deeper issues – “Be curious: Dig down, look for the larger pattern that makes the argument merely the tip of the iceberg, then have a conversation about the bigger stuff.” (Taibbi, Robert. ‘After an Argument: The Right Way to Make up”. Psychology Today. June 6, 2018. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201806/after-argument-the-right-way-make)
“No matter what strategies you choose, it is absolutely critical that you master the art of making and receiving repair attempts.” (https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/) Learning to repair effectively is key to maintaining healthy relationships.
The repair checklist is a tool developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman that includes phrases you can use when conversations escalate. Check out the list HERE.
A rupture in a relationship can actually be a chance to make it stronger. All relationships will have problems, it’s how we work through those problems that is most important.
Although there are situations when ending a relationship is necessary, you owe it to yourself to assess the problem and attempt to repair it if at all possible.
It’s a big decision and investment to start therapy. So we want to give you a little information on what to expect so that you can go in with awareness and clarity. The first 6 sessions The first part of therapy is getting the …
If you’re human, you use defense mechanisms even though you might not consciously know it; and so does everyone you know. And when you can actually see them, your communication, problem solving skills, emotional health and relationships improve. Let’s break this down – what they …
People who tend to blame themselves when something goes wrong or when something is challenging, oftentimes take in too much feedback. As we discussed in our last blog, it’s important to be open to feedback (especially during therapy) and really try to see yourself in ways you haven’t before.
However, it’s possible to be too open to feedback or taking all feedback so seriously that you let it define you.
Taking in too much feedback and letting it make you feel like you are always at fault for everything can come from experiences early in life, especially when trauma was present. If you’ve always been told what you are doing wrong or how you can be better, then you may come to think of all feedback as a finger pointing at you and placing blame on you.
But the truth is, feedback is not always negative and doesn’t require taking on blame. Feedback is a tool that can be used to help you critically think about situations or behaviors from a different perspective. You may come to the conclusion that you just didn’t understand something because you were viewing it differently.
Your therapist is trained to provide feedback in a way that is beneficial to you and will help you understand things from a different perspective. Once they get to know you, they will know how to deliver feedback in a way that is easier for you to receive.
However, outside of your therapy sessions, you may have other people in your life offer feedback that may not be beneficial or maybe not delivered in a helpful manner. Knowing your circle of friends and family, and where you can receive clear and helpful feedback is important. You don’t have to listen to what everyone has to say about the challenging situations you are facing because everyone will not understand you or the situation, or how to give objective and supportive feedback..
So if you are receiving feedback from unhelpful sources and it is triggering negative emotions or making the problem worse, it might be helpful to take a step back and remind yourself that all feedback is not good feedback and refrain from internalizing it.
Brene Brown is a research professor, lecturer, author, and podcast host who has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. In her book, ‘Daring Greatly’, she talks about the struggle people face when they are negatively judged by others and how you shouldn’t stop caring what people think BUT you shouldn’t let what they think define you.
She suggests having a ‘square squad’. This is when you take a one inch by one inch piece of paper and write as many names as you can of people who truly care about you, will give you honest feedback and want what is best for you (This is a really small space and you won’t be able to fit a lot of people’s names on it…that’s the point, this group of people should be small). Then you use the square squad to help you work through any negative feedback you receive from other people. If someone gives you feedback that hurts you, confuses you or makes you feel like you are the problem; share it with someone in your square squad and ask them if they feel the same way.
“Too much criticism can paralyze you from creating the life you want. But to work in a vacuum cuts you off from valuable insights that could make all the difference. Look for a happy balance of feedback and execution and you’ll find it easier to go after what you truly want in the world.” (Medium.com |PERSONAL GROWTH |Brené Brown’s “1×1 Index Card” Trick Could Permanently Boost Your Confidence And Focus – Find your “square squad” and hold ’em close; Nick Wolny, August 30, 2021)
Sharing with people that you trust keeps you from automatically taking feedback from others to heart, and helps you to understand it and determine if it’s true or helpful.
Sometimes it can be harder to accept that you are not always responsible when something bad happens. When something goes wrong you may tend to think about all the things you could have done or should have done that would have made the situation better. You may feel like somehow you should have done better, that you are responsible.
When you get feedback that is not positive or not what you want to hear, it can bring you down and make you feel like you are responsible. Allow yourself to think through the feedback first, and not automatically feel responsible or that you are in the wrong.
Look at the context around the feedback because there may be other things that are off. Sometimes personalities just clash and someone may give you feedback based on a personality trait they possess or they may just not understand your personality and your behaviors. For instance, some people are very literal and they see everything through a lens that is black or white. Maybe you see things in a spectrum and are more flexible in your perspective. The feedback you receive from this person who has an opposite personality from you will be based on how they perceive things, which may not be aligned with your beliefs.
It’s also possible that others are projecting, or attributing their own thoughts or feelings, onto you when giving feedback. “Through projections, we communicate “You” statements directed at others that are actually intended for us. Simply, we are not willing to take personal responsibility, and therefore, we blame the other person(s). It’s as if we are an actual projector – a machine – re-presenting our experience onto a screen – the other person.” (AbigailStason.com | TURN OFF THE PROJECTOR WHEN COMMUNICATING AND GIVING FEEDBACK)
This is when it can be helpful to use your square squad to see if maybe someone is projecting or if there is actually a problem you need to address.
It’s important to take the time to really think through how you process feedback, when you need to take action and when you need to cut yourself some slack. If you feel that you take in too much feedback or you don’t handle feedback well, contact us and let us help you develop a positive way to handle it going forward.
One of the characteristics of clients who are most successful in therapy is their ability to be open to feedback. So we want to share what this looks like and what naturally gets in the way, so you can also be successful in therapy, …
We have entered the holiday season and perfectionism is something that can come up now more than other times of the year, especially for perfectionists. However, you can create trust and connection without being perfect. In our last blog post we talked about the cost …
As a parent, if you can teach your teen to master the basics then you will be setting them up to cope with the stressors of life in a healthy way. All parents want to prepare their children to be able to face challenging situations and have the skills needed to take care of themselves and live independently.
It may be a challenge to instill these basic practices in your teen because they may not be receptive to advice and prompts at this stage in their life. However, if they observe you focusing on the essential basics in your own life, and you consistently point them to these basic practices, you will be giving them tools that they can use in the years to come.
We previously covered 5 basics – food, water, rest, movement, mindfulness – and explained why they are essential to mental health. If you haven’t already reviewed these 5 basics click HERE to read the blog post before you continue.
Most parents will notice their young children watching their every move and even copying them; and kids are usually very honest and will tell you they want to be just like you. Teens, on the other hand, will usually cringe at the idea of being like mom or dad, and they definitely won’t admit that they want to be like you.
But this does not mean that your teenager is not watching how you behave, how you react in challenging situations, and how you cope with stress and other challenges. They are watching and what you show them will impact how they handle situations and challenges in their own life. That’s why it is important to model healthy habits and behaviors to your children, and especially to your teen.
No parent is perfect and your teen will see your imperfections and when you don’t make the best choices. However, if they see that you consistently focus on the basic practices that lead to both physical and emotional well-being, they will begin to develop a positive foundation that they can build their own healthy habits on.
It may be hard for your teen to commit to implementing these basics and they may not feel like they will work for them. As a parent, one way you can get them on board is by connecting it to something they want or that is important to them.
Your teen may be experiencing stress or dealing with a challenging situation and ask you to be excused from responsibilities, school, etc. You can develop a plan with your teen to allow their request to be honored if they are willing to implement some of the basics. When you create this plan, it’s important to work together and to agree on specifics– what is included and how it will be implemented. This will allow them to feel involved and not like you are demanding that they try something.
Most teens have a hard time committing to things or trying things because they do not understand how it will benefit them. Connecting the desired behavior or action to something they want can provide the motivation for them to begin, and hopefully once they realize the benefits, they will continue the behavior or action because they truly see the importance of it–even if they don’t want to admit that to you.
Admitting that their parents are right is one of the hardest things for teens to do, so most of the time they don’t; and that’s okay! You don’t need for your teen to admit that you are right or that the advice you gave them was helpful. Unfortunately, you may never know if your teen came to the realization that you were right about something.
However, if you have been consistent in your message to your teen and have consistently modeled positive behaviors to them, then it’s very likely that at some point your teen will realize that you were right. But having them verbalize that you were right is not what will create the positive impact in their life; their experience of the benefits that come from taking care of the basics is what will benefit them for years to come.
If your teen experiences how the basics can support them both physically and emotionally, then they will take that with them into the world and it can never be taken away from them. But they have to realize and experience it on their own, you can’t do that for them. It takes seeing it modeled at home, trying it themselves and experiencing the positive results to truly invest into this using this approach when things get challenging in their life.
Looking for some extra support for your teen to prepare them for what lies ahead? We’d love to offer that support. Contact us HERE.
When clients are going through a difficult time, they often want to work through the stressors. Of course. However, I often redirect them to really focusing on the basics to create a stable platform from which to address what is happening. Creating that stability makes …