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When it comes to eating disorders, secrecy typically plays a big role. But what leads to the secrecy and why is it so central for individuals who struggle in this area? Let’s talk about it.
An eating disorder is not just about food and weight, it’s a way to cope with overwhelming emotions and a need for control. In order to continue using this way of coping, the behaviors have to be hidden. So the secrecy helps it survive.
Eating disorders rely on privacy. When no one sees the food intake, it’s easier to restrict it. Having rules around food can be followed if no one knows and does not challenge them.
Purging needs to be done when no one is around or will notice, and exercise may also happen in secret because if it becomes compulsive, it will throw up red flags.
“You may have noticed a change in the way someone close to you behaves and relates to other people, such as withdrawing from friends, relationships or avoiding social contact all together.” (“Recognising an Eating Disorder.” NHS Lothian. https://services.nhslothian.scot/seeds/recognising-an-eating-disorder/)
Secrecy is a symptom of the disorder and a reflection of the pain the person is experiencing. The first step to recovery is typically not stopping the behaviors, but reducing the secrecy and allowing others to see what is happening.
Many people with eating disorders feel deep shame about their behaviors and thoughts. A person can truly want help but still believe that it’s something they should be able to do on their own, so they are ashamed to seek out the help.
It’s painful to think about exposing themselves and sharing with others what is going on. There can be a strong desire to not let others down or disappoint people they care about.
It’s common for people to tell themselves that they are the problem, because something is wrong with them, and it can’t be fixed. They place all the blame on themselves and don’t consider that outside pressure and stress could be to blame.
Hiding it takes away the risk of a painful exposure.
Most people think of eating disorders as being a choice the individual makes, rather than an illness they are dealing with. This makes the individual fear that they will be seen as weak or attention seeking. They can’t control what others think and they don’t feel like they can explain the real cause of their behavior, so others form their own opinions and that’s hurtful.
This leads to hiding their behaviors to avoid being morally judged for something that isn’t actually a moral failure.
For a person living with an eating disorder, the associated behaviors can feel like the one thing they can predict or count on, and it can be their only way to experience relief.
“Most people with eating disorders feel an inadequate sense of control in other areas of their lives. A false and misleading sense of control based on food intake and behaviors such as purging and/or compulsive exercise develops.” (Indiana Bloomington University. “Student Health Center – Disordered Eating.” https://healthcenter.indiana.edu/health-answers/psychological-stress/disordered-eating.html)
Exposure, or telling someone, can make them feel like that one area of certainty has been ripped away. When this happens they fear they could lose their autonomy or have their coping system taken away. Maybe they want to change and they aren’t ready; they want to control the timing of making a change so they protect their secret at all costs.
Secrecy is a big part of maintaining control, so it becomes important. It’s not about manipulating the people they care about, it’s about protecting themselves and surviving.
A person’s attachment experience can shape how they handle emotional situations like sharing and being vulnerable, because it triggers what they think will happen when they are exposed.
Growing up with attentive, consistent caregivers can cause them to expect others to provide care and not cause further pain. This secure attachment can promote disclosure.
If caregivers were unpredictable or created fear in response to mistakes, disclosure can trigger an internal conflict of wanting help but fearing more harm could be done. Or if they grew up being ignored or made to feel small, they may expect that they can’t depend on others to help and they have to do things on their own. These unhealthy attachments can discourage disclosure.
Trust is built slowly and broken quickly. When someone is repeatedly reminded that they are safe, trust is built. But if they feel like a person in their life is dismissive it can undo trust and reinforce secrecy.
Sharing typically happens when a person has trust that their pain will be taken seriously, they won’t be shamed, their choices and independence will be respected and what they disclose will not be used against them in any way now or in the future.
If a person has responded negatively or made the individual feel unsupported in the past, it can play a role in how open they are in the future.
Past responses that can discourage sharing in the future are judging, minimizing the significance of the behavior by telling them “it’s not that bad”, trying to control them by monitoring them and directing their actions, or betraying their confidence and telling others private info they have shared.
Any of these examples signals to the person that making the disclosure leads to danger, so secrecy becomes a way to protect themselves.
Being found out can feel very threatening and, to the individual, seem worse than the actual behavior. This is because the behavior is protecting them by regulating their overwhelming emotions. If that way to regulate is taken away, nothing feels reliable anymore and that’s scary.
They may realize that the behaviors are a threat but it is known, predictable and within their control.
A therapist prioritizes relationship before behavior and developing a relationship takes time and requires trust.
“How to treat eating disorders in therapy depends on the person going through the experience and their individual history and journey. In that sense, the best therapy for eating disorders is the kind that’s going to help someone best address their physical, mental, and emotional needs.” (Clerkin, Bridget. “Therapy for Eating Disorders.” Within Health. https://withinhealth.com/learn/articles/eating-disorder-therapy)
A therapist understands that safety comes before change. So in the beginning, there is a focus on understanding what the eating disorder is doing for the person. They do not react with alarm, but with a desire to learn what is going on and to help. Ultimately, they convey that to the person that they are more important than their symptoms.
Respect for autonomy is key in therapy because a loss of control is a fear that people with eating disorders have. So they ask permission before diving into sensitive topics and give them choices in the therapeutic process.
They allow the individual to move at their own pace and don’t force compliance or readiness. There is no pressure to disclose information on a certain timeline, they share what they feel comfortable sharing, when they feel comfortable sharing it.
During the process the therapist leads with clear transparency and maintains consent. They explain the treatment approach, what the expectations are, and work to make sure nothing feels hidden or sudden.
As mentioned before, secrecy is a symptom of an eating disorder and it is used to protect self, not manipulate others. If you are struggling with an eating disorder and you are ready to step out of the secrecy and get help, contact us, we are here for you. Nikki Eby, MFT, ATR, one of our therapists on staff has expertise in supporting clients with eating disorders.
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If you are struggling with infertility or pregnancy related challenges, watching others get pregnant quickly can be a tough terrain to navigate. There is no right or wrong way to feel, but sometimes negative feelings can take over and that’s normal. Let’s talk about why this happens.
The emotions you have when someone else announces their pregnancy, while you are struggling to get pregnant, can be complex. They can range from happiness to sadness, frustration, envy, to thinking you are not deserving or worthy of being a parent.
Seeing others experience the joy of sharing that they are expecting can make your reality of not experiencing this yet feel more real. When it is something that you are longing for this is a disappointing reminder of your situation and it hurts. So even if you are happy for them, you can still feel sad.
Sometimes your sadness can turn into frustration and be internalized as self-blame, because you can’t understand how it is so easy for others but difficult for you. This can lead to anger, not only at the situation but towards people who don’t really understand how you are struggling.
“Grief, the process in coming to terms with not conceiving as we wanted to, nor often at the time we wanted to, includes anger. We may also be angry about the time spent thinking about fertility and money spent too.” (Sainsbury, Tracey. “Caring for your mental health when trying to conceive.” Fertility Network UK. https://fertilitynetworkuk.org/caring-for-your-mental-health-when-trying-to-conceive)
As you long for the experience of being able to share your own pregnancy announcement, you may become envious of those who are able to easily get pregnant. It’s not that you don’t care for these people and want the best for them, it’s just hard to see them enter the journey with ease.
Unless that is someone else that you are close to that has gone through it before, or is currently going through it, struggling to get pregnant can make you feel alone. Although people in your life may be supportive, it’s hard for them to relate to what you are feeling and that can be isolating.
People who are struggling with infertility or challenges in conceiving commonly experience feelings of unfairness, frustration, or that they are personally inadequate.
When someone thinks “Why not me?” it’s because as humans we have this inherent sense of fairness. We think it’s only fair that good things should happen to good people, and that if you have done everything “right”, you should be rewarded with the thing you desire. When it’s not happening but others seemingly get pregnant effortlessly, this reinforces a feeling of being singled out.
“When we perceive unfairness, the brain activates emotional centers tied to social pain, which is why unfairness can feel personally hurtful, even when it doesn’t directly affect us.” (Jhutty, Dr. Saira. “Coping with Jealousy During Infertility: A Psychiatrist’s Guide to Healing.” June 4, 2025. https://www.cofertility.com/family-learn/coping-with-jealousy-during-infertility-a-psychiatrists-guide-to-healing)
So you think “Why not me?” because there is a sense that you somehow don’t deserve the same outcome.
As humans, we compare ourselves to others, especially in situations that are significant. Socially, we evaluate ourselves relative to other people, especially when we are determining how we are doing in life.
Being able to conceive and have children may be tied to your sense of identity, self-worth, and life goals. If you can’t, it can feel like a failure to fulfill your role or purpose.
It’s important to recognize that all of these feelings that you are experiencing are valid. It’s okay to feel hurt when you see someone else celebrating and you are not a bad person for having these emotions.
Setting boundaries is key. This can include taking a break from social media, opting out of attending baby showers if it feels too difficult, and politely declining to engage in conversations about pregnancy, parenting, etc. This is not rude, it is self-care because protecting your mental health is essential.
It’s also very healthy to talk to someone you trust like a close friend or your partner. Expressing your feelings is helpful to release the weight of carrying them alone. Some find comfort in connecting with others who are currenting experiencing the same thing or have in the past through support groups or online communities.
“Say the things you’re scared to say out loud. Cry. Laugh. Rant about your partner’s terrible timing. Connection is one of the most powerful tools for protecting your mental health and feeling less alone in this weird limbo.”
Sometimes it’s easier to talk with a therapist because it gives you an outside perspective and they are trained to help you process your emotions and work with people walking this same path.
When it comes to managing this very challenging time, remember to be kind to yourself. You may not be on the path you thought you would be on and that’s okay, the struggle is not a reflection of your self-worth. Each person has a different story so focus on your journey and try not to compare yourself to others.
If you need help or support navigating what you are going through, contact us, we are here for you.
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Attending family therapy with your parents as an adult can bring up a lot of emotions. You might feel hopeful, anxious, or maybe even resistant. Obviously as an adult, you’re no longer a child under their care, but you’re still their kid. But you still want them to be your parent. So, it’s weird and you might wonder if therapy will actually help. All of these feelings and thoughts are valid, so let’s get into what you can expect.
The way you grow up continues to influence you as an adult because it has shaped how you see yourself, how you relate to others, and how you handle conflict. If you’re choosing to go to therapy with your parents it should not be to place blame on them and how they raised you, but to process unresolved feelings, and to find healthier ways of relating to them now that you’re an adult.
Family therapy will not be a quick fix because change takes time. It might feel like the progress is slow but it will be worth it. You will want to be clear with each other, prior to starting therapy, what your goals are.
Do you want to understand each other better, or decrease the tension that you feel when you are together? Or maybe there are other things you want to get out of it, but clarifying that on the front end will be helpful.
Go into it with an open mind. Be prepared to listen and try to understand where everyone is coming from. This doesn’t mean that you allow your parents to minimize your feelings or experiences, you can be open to their truth while still holding onto yours.
Remember that you are an adult now, your parents do not have any authority over you, how you feel, or decisions you make. Attending therapy with them does not mean you are returning to a parent-child dynamic, you are all adults and it takes some shifting to be able to relate as adults..
A therapist’s office is a neutral space, so unlike when you were younger and you were living under your parents’ roof and their rules, you can be assured that you are in a space where everyone’s voice matters. The therapist will guide your conversations so no one dominates and everyone feels heard.
Every family communicates differently so one of the topics of discussion will likely be about your family’s communication style. This might include looking at how your parents communicated with you when you were younger and how you communicate with each other now. This, along with some reflections from the therapist can give some insight into your relationship and how it can be improved. Learning communication skills that work for your family in therapy can help you, as a family, work through issues on your own, outside of therapy.
It’s common for situations and emotions from the past to come up in therapy. Don’t consider this a step backwards, even if you thought everyone had moved on from the situation, therapy is a good place to really work through it.
If you have lingering feelings of hurt or resentment, it’s best to let your therapist guide you through it so you can truly heal. It’s important to work through things that have happened in the past but you will want to move towards focusing on the present and how you can relate to each other now so that you have supportive healthy relationships.
You might think that you knew what your parents were thinking or going through when you were younger, and that has shaped how you see them and connect with them. But in therapy you will get to hear your parents share their experiences from their perspective which is one you might not have heard before. A lot of things can come to light that makes you see them differently , which can bring new empathy. You may not agree with them but you may be able to relate more to how and why they have made certain decisions or behaved a certain way.
“As parents and adult children work through old hurts, enter into more appropriate roles, manage changes, and communicate effectively, they build stronger connections.” (Epstein, Sarah. “6 Ways Family Therapy Can Help Adult Children and Parents.” Psychology Today. February 21, 2028. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/between-the-generations/202301/6-ways-family-therapy-can-help-adult-children-and-parents.)
In a past blog we discussed how going to therapy isn’t about fixing you but it is “… a place to build a positive relationship with yourself so that you can establish positive relationships with others and the world around you.” This also holds true when it comes to family therapy and it’s a good place to start a more positive journey.
Going to family therapy with your parents as an adult is a big step forward and that will impact a lot of other relationships in your life now and in the future.
There will be some uncomfortable moments but it shows that you value the connection you have with them and want to have more positive interactions with them in the future. Taking small steps together can add up to significant changes that lead to growth and healthier relationships with the people you love.
If you are considering taking the next step to go to family therapy with your parents as an adult, contact us, we can help.
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