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It’s human nature to think that if you can just understand why you react a certain way you can stop doing it. But just because you know better doesn’t mean you won’t repeat the same emotional pattern. Just being aware of it is not enough. Let’s talk about why this is true.
Over time you may recognize and understand where your emotions come from. For instance, it could come from childhood experiences, or fear of rejection. Understanding it can bring clarity or provide relief, which gives you a sense of power over it.
But the problem is, this awareness, and understanding the pattern does not automatically rewire it.
Emotional patterns are conditioned responses that are built over time through repetition, and reinforced by experience. This means knowing something doesn’t change the reflex your body has already learned.
So even though you may be able to explain your behavior, you can still feel stuck in it.
Emotional patterns are habits that your mind and body have practiced together.
“Think of an emotional pattern as a deeply worn groove in a neural pathway. Every time the pattern is triggered and runs, the groove gets a little deeper.” (
(“Why You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Emotional Patterns.” Medium. April 27, 2026. https://medium.com/@beliefredesign/why-you-cant-think-your-way-out-of-emotional-patterns-a23ebf8d6b24)
Most emotional reactions start in the nervous system, they typically aren’t a conscious thought.
This means your body has already started to react before you can think through the situation.
This can include change in your heart rate, muscles tension, and changes in your breathing. There can be a surge of anxiety, irritation, or withdrawal all before you’ve even had time to analyze anything.
“The body holds emotional memory, and without addressing these physical sensations, it’s difficult to change how you feel, no matter how much you intellectually understand that you’re safe.” (
(“Why You Can’t Talk Your Way Out of Emotions: Understanding the Gap Between Rational Thought and Emotional Belief.” Whole Heartedly You Therapy. October 8, 2024. https://wholeheartedlyyoutherapy.com/rational-thought-vs-emotional-belief/)
One of the jobs of your nervous system is to scan situations and environments for safety or threat based on past experiences.
You can be in a situation that’s not actually dangerous, but if it seems familiar to something your body has learned to associate with danger, it will respond as if there is danger. It’s automatic.
The body doesn’t operate on logical thinking alone, which means you can’t just tell yourself “I’m fine” or “this isn’t a big deal”. You can’t override a body-level response with a thought, it’s not that simple. The thoughts have to be followed by action.
Recognizing that patterns are learned through experience, helps you understand that they have to be changed the same way…through experience.
You can create new experiences that show your nervous system something different. It does not have to be big, significant things, it can be small experiences that are repeated.
If you respond differently in situations, you can give your brain and body new evidence and build new responses. Things like staying present in a conversation rather than shutting down, sitting with discomfort without trying to run away from it, taking time to respond instead of react.
This signals that a situation is safe and you can handle it, which helps your system realize you don’t have to default to the old pattern.
You can reshape your automatic responses through these experiences because the experience was lived differently, not because you thought differently.
It’s true that insight and awareness are important, but that is just the starting point. You can’t break emotional patterns by outsmarting them. Practice is the way to create change, so focus on gently breaking those patterns by consistently interrupting them with new experiences.
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If you are struggling with infertility or pregnancy related challenges, watching others get pregnant quickly can be a tough terrain to navigate. There is no right or wrong way to feel, but sometimes negative feelings can take over and that’s normal. Let’s talk about why this happens.
The emotions you have when someone else announces their pregnancy, while you are struggling to get pregnant, can be complex. They can range from happiness to sadness, frustration, envy, to thinking you are not deserving or worthy of being a parent.
Seeing others experience the joy of sharing that they are expecting can make your reality of not experiencing this yet feel more real. When it is something that you are longing for this is a disappointing reminder of your situation and it hurts. So even if you are happy for them, you can still feel sad.
Sometimes your sadness can turn into frustration and be internalized as self-blame, because you can’t understand how it is so easy for others but difficult for you. This can lead to anger, not only at the situation but towards people who don’t really understand how you are struggling.
“Grief, the process in coming to terms with not conceiving as we wanted to, nor often at the time we wanted to, includes anger. We may also be angry about the time spent thinking about fertility and money spent too.” (Sainsbury, Tracey. “Caring for your mental health when trying to conceive.” Fertility Network UK. https://fertilitynetworkuk.org/caring-for-your-mental-health-when-trying-to-conceive)
As you long for the experience of being able to share your own pregnancy announcement, you may become envious of those who are able to easily get pregnant. It’s not that you don’t care for these people and want the best for them, it’s just hard to see them enter the journey with ease.
Unless that is someone else that you are close to that has gone through it before, or is currently going through it, struggling to get pregnant can make you feel alone. Although people in your life may be supportive, it’s hard for them to relate to what you are feeling and that can be isolating.
People who are struggling with infertility or challenges in conceiving commonly experience feelings of unfairness, frustration, or that they are personally inadequate.
When someone thinks “Why not me?” it’s because as humans we have this inherent sense of fairness. We think it’s only fair that good things should happen to good people, and that if you have done everything “right”, you should be rewarded with the thing you desire. When it’s not happening but others seemingly get pregnant effortlessly, this reinforces a feeling of being singled out.
“When we perceive unfairness, the brain activates emotional centers tied to social pain, which is why unfairness can feel personally hurtful, even when it doesn’t directly affect us.” (Jhutty, Dr. Saira. “Coping with Jealousy During Infertility: A Psychiatrist’s Guide to Healing.” June 4, 2025. https://www.cofertility.com/family-learn/coping-with-jealousy-during-infertility-a-psychiatrists-guide-to-healing)
So you think “Why not me?” because there is a sense that you somehow don’t deserve the same outcome.
As humans, we compare ourselves to others, especially in situations that are significant. Socially, we evaluate ourselves relative to other people, especially when we are determining how we are doing in life.
Being able to conceive and have children may be tied to your sense of identity, self-worth, and life goals. If you can’t, it can feel like a failure to fulfill your role or purpose.
It’s important to recognize that all of these feelings that you are experiencing are valid. It’s okay to feel hurt when you see someone else celebrating and you are not a bad person for having these emotions.
Setting boundaries is key. This can include taking a break from social media, opting out of attending baby showers if it feels too difficult, and politely declining to engage in conversations about pregnancy, parenting, etc. This is not rude, it is self-care because protecting your mental health is essential.
It’s also very healthy to talk to someone you trust like a close friend or your partner. Expressing your feelings is helpful to release the weight of carrying them alone. Some find comfort in connecting with others who are currenting experiencing the same thing or have in the past through support groups or online communities.
“Say the things you’re scared to say out loud. Cry. Laugh. Rant about your partner’s terrible timing. Connection is one of the most powerful tools for protecting your mental health and feeling less alone in this weird limbo.”
Sometimes it’s easier to talk with a therapist because it gives you an outside perspective and they are trained to help you process your emotions and work with people walking this same path.
When it comes to managing this very challenging time, remember to be kind to yourself. You may not be on the path you thought you would be on and that’s okay, the struggle is not a reflection of your self-worth. Each person has a different story so focus on your journey and try not to compare yourself to others.
If you need help or support navigating what you are going through, contact us, we are here for you.
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Your approach to your child’s therapy has a significant impact on the success of the outcome of your investment in therapy. Let’s talk about a few ways you can really amplify that investment and ways that you might inadvertently diminish the investment.
Let’s start with what will support your investment…
As a parent it’s crucial that you have a rapport with your child’s therapist and you trust them to help your child.
When getting started, ask about boundaries the therapist has in therapy for communicating with the parent such as – What will stay private between therapist/parent or therapist/child? What mode of communication does the therapist use with the parent? (in person for the first or last 10 minutes, messaging in electronic medical records, etc.) Knowing these things can help you set expectations for what’s to come and instead of being left to wonder what will be communicated with you and how it will be communicated, which could cause frustration.
Ask the therapist how you as a parent can support the therapeutic process. Show them that you are available and willing to help any way you can, but that you respect any boundaries that they feel are important to establish to get the best results.
As your child begins to learn positive coping skills and healthy habits in therapy, guide them in using them at home. The best way to do that is to initiate coping skills in moments when your emotions come up, it might even be when you’re having emotions about their emotions!
For example, if the therapist has been working with your child on nervous system regulation exercises or naming emotions, model this for your child when your emotions or your stress is coming up.
For example: I’m starting to feel frustrated, I’m going to take a second to breathe. Or, I feel like we’re both getting frustrated, let’s practice what your therapist talked about.
If you can lead and model incorporating what your child is learning in therapy, it’ll seamlessly integrate into your daily life as a family. If you simply try to tell them: practice what your therapist told you, you’ll probably meet more resistance.
Even if they don’t join you in the coping strategy or don’t catch on right away, it’s OK. They have to see your commitment to it, that it works for you, that it’s really becoming a part of how you handle things in your family and they will pick it up.
Your child needs to see that you trust and support their therapist. This is important because it fosters consistency, enhances communication, and ultimately leads to more effective therapy outcomes. When parents and therapists collaborate and share a common understanding of goals, strategies, and the child’s progress, the child benefits from a more supportive and cohesive environment, both at home and in therapy.
They need to know you are on the same page so that they do not try to play you both against each other.
“Stay involved. Be active in your child’s therapy by attending sessions when appropriate, staying informed about their progress, and collaborating with the therapist.” (“How can I best support my child when they are in therapy?” Thrive Counseling Center. https://www.thrivecounselingfederalway.com/faq/support-child-are-therapy/46023)
That covers some important Do’s, now let’s talk about some Don’ts.
When your child is in therapy, naturally, you will want to be included in the process. It may be hard to take a step back and allow another adult to guide and support your child because you feel like that is your job.
You know your child better than anyone and it’s normal to want to provide input, make suggestions, which is what all the “do’s” in this post support. And, if you ask your child to tell you everything that is happening in therapy, it can impact their ability really take ownership of building the skills, talk about what is important to them because they are thinking about you and what you want them to be doing, talking about, practicing.
Your child may share things with you and they may not. If you trust the therapist and have a good rapport, you will let the work work and you’ll love the ownership they take in the process. If your child really likes the therapist, listens to the therapist or talks about the therapist, this can feel confronting for you as a parent. It brings up feelings and that’s normal especially if your relationship with your child has been contentious or strained. Remember that their connection to the therapist reflects how much the therapist is able to influence your child. And a great therapist will influence your child toward having a great relationship with you and support you as a parent. So it might feel intense for a minute, but know that it’s all headed in the right direction.
“If they want to share, great. If they don’t, remember, that’s not an invitation to barrage them with more questions or to text the therapist demanding all the details. Trust the process.” (What To Do and What Not To Do When Your Child Is in Therapy.” Cleveland Clinic. February 7, 2023.https://health.clevelandclinic.org/parent-involvement-in-child-therapy)
It can be easy for the lines to be blurred between parenting challenges and challenges that your child is facing. Knowing the difference between the two can help you address your concerns more effectively.
When you are a parent dealing with challenges related to your child, it’s so helpful to be in your own therapy to work on your own nervous system regulation and practice your own self care. When you work with a child therapist you trust, ask them: “Is there something I should be working on myself here even though it looks like it’s a struggle for my child?” Again, a great rapport with the therapist will help you receive feedback that will truly help your child and your family. If you don’t trust the therapist, their reflections about parenting work won’t land.
Being open to and willing to take care of your own mental and emotional health will have a positive impact on your child and their progress in therapy.
Pressuring your child to get what they learned in therapy right or telling them you don’t think therapy is working because they are not changing, is not helpful. That’s a conversation for the therapist, not your child. If you have concerns about them not benefiting from or progressing in therapy, share them with their therapist. It may be too soon to see change, there may be more work to do and the therapist can help you understand why.
If you voice these concerns to your child it may cause them to regress or shut down and not communicate with you because they feel like you are disappointed in them or angry with them. Try to educate yourself about your child’s challenges and the therapy process, so that you can understand what they are having to work through and empathize with them.
Supporting your child in therapy is important because it directly impacts how effective and meaningful the experience is for them. By openly supporting therapy, you teach your child that taking care of their mental health is normal and important.
If you feel like your child is ready for therapy and you need help getting started contact us. Or if your child is already in therapy and you need support for yourself we are here for you.
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