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When your college age kids come home for the holidays it’s a big adjustment. This is true for every family. Things are not as they were before. No matter if your college kid has had a great experience in the first months of school or it’s been challenging, coming back home can create some tension and we want to help you navigate.
When you have a kid leave home to go off to college, it takes a lot of time to figure out a new normal for your family, whether they are your only child or you have other children that are still in the house. This new normal includes routines, schedules, and grocery shopping / preparing meals for less people. This can be stressful and emotional because it’s new and you miss them. But once you start to get in a routine of this “new normal” you start to feel more comfortable with how things are now.
When your college kid comes home for the holidays, even though you are thrilled to have them home and they are happy to be home, things can get tense because things are different now and there is yet another period of adjustment. You may expect them to just jump right into your new routines and that may be hard for them. They may come home expecting things to be just like they were but they aren’t, which means they may feel like they are a visitor.
As a parent you may expect their first visit back home to be filled with lots of family time to catch up and just be together. But the truth is it may not go down that way. Even though they missed you, they are probably exhausted and will want to spend a lot of time sleeping or alone in their room. It’s hard not to take that personally after counting down the days until they are back under your roof. However, this is probably the first time in months they have been able to really relax. Being back home where they feel comfortable and safe, not surrounded by their peers and bogged down with schoolwork, they can now just rest and recharge. If that’s what they need, try to be understanding.
In addition to catching up on rest they are probably going to want to spend time with friends from home. It may hurt your feelings if they choose to spend time with friends instead of family but remember, it’s not personal. Young adults need social time and it’s important for them to maintain those relationships they built in childhood. So if they come home and immediately go back out the door to meet up with friends, try not to give them a hard time. They still love you but they know you will be there and they can spend time with you before they go back to school, which means they may prioritize time with friends at the beginning of their visit.
Another thing that may cause some tension is learning that your kid has changed a little. After spending time out of the nest, being around people from different backgrounds and learning more about the world around them, they will probably have a different perspective on things and that can be difficult to accept as a parent.
“Don’t be surprised if your child seems slightly different — perhaps more independent and opinionated. Your tuition dollars are helping them discover themselves and the world. While hearing their arguments can sometimes be trying, it’s good that they are finding their voice and expressing their views.”
Parents know that their job is to prepare their kids to develop into their own person, but it can be shocking if you notice changes in them after only a couple months away. Resist the urge to challenge them or tell them they are wrong if they disagree with you on something. Remember they are still on a journey to grow and develop as an adult.
So with all these things in mind, how can you prepare for your college age kid’s holiday visit so that all of you enjoy your time together? Here’s 3 tips:
Before they come home, talk about what the plans are for family time, like family meals, activities, etc. so they know what times you would like for them to be present with everyone. Don’t plan a lot, keep it simple and leave time in the schedule for them to rest and see their friends.
Don’t decide in your head how they should act when they are home, meaning how excited they should be, how much they will want to share about school, etc. If you do this you will be disappointed if they don’t respond the way you envisioned they would.
Be supportive and make sure they feel like they belong but don’t try to control their every move when they are home. Try to be flexible and let them make decisions about how to spend their break.
Having your college kid come home for the holidays will be a challenge for them and for you in some ways. Try to soak it in and not let the tensions get the best of you. Everyone is learning to adjust and the most important thing is time together and letting them know you love and support them. If you need help working through these life changes, contact us, we are here to help!
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It’s super easy to get pulled into power struggles with your kids and sometimes it doesn’t seem too obvious until you’re at your limits. So let’s take a look at what this looks like and how to step out of it.
When a parent and a child want different things and neither of them are willing to back down a power struggle will likely ensue. A power struggle can begin when a parent asks a child to do something, the child refuses and it turns into a battle that includes arguing and demands that go back and forth between the two.
It’s totally normal as kids start to learn how to be independent and test the boundaries that are being set for them by their parents.
Likewise, it’s normal for parents to try to maintain the power in order to keep their child safe or teach them appropriate, acceptable behaviors.
Power struggles are a problem for a number of reasons.
“One problem is that the more you argue or try to force the child to do something, often the more tempers flare. When you and your child are both frustrated and angry, you aren’t likely to be able to accomplish anything.” (Morin, Amy. “How to Avoid Power Struggles with Children”. Very Well Family. January 16, 2021. www.verywellfamily.com/how-to-avoid-power-struggles-with-children)
When a parent “wins” a power struggle it usually doesn’t result in the the child learning a lesson because by the time it is over the child is angry and the negative feelings associated with the struggle is what they remember.
If a parent just wants to have control or the final say because they are the adult, they aren’t allowing their children to learn how to make decisions for themselves, which is an important skill. It will also leave the child feeling like they have no control over their life. “Our role as parents is to find a way to give them a sense of control, while maintaining some boundaries. It’s a balancing act…” (“Understanding Power Struggles with Your Child” Parenting Now. June 2020. www.parentingnow.org/understanding-power-struggles-with-your-child). Allowing children to make a lot of small decisions about things that are appropriate for their age/maturity level, will give them a sense of independence and make them less likely to fight you on the bigger issues.
Lastly, engaging in a power struggle with a child can make them feel like their feelings about something or what they want is not important and all that matters is what their parent(s) wants or feels.
It’s possible to validate their feelings, even if you are not able to give in and allow them to do something they want to do because it is an unsafe or inappropriate choice.
A power struggle requires active participation from two parties. “So, to eliminate power struggles completely, we have to hold the boundary quickly, calmly, and confidently every single time…When the adult drops the need to fight for the power and instead becomes a calm, confident leader, the power struggle drops!”(@biglittlefeelings. “How to Eliminate Power Struggles”. Instagram, March 27, 2023, hwww.instagram.com/reel/CqS7w1xM-dk/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA%3D%3D)
Parents are frequently guilty of making demands that have consequences attached. “Reframe the conversation so demands for compliance sound more like a gentler request for help. Consider approaches like: “Would you mind grabbing those plates for me? It would be a huge help.” Or, “I really need to get out the door by 8 o’clock today. Do you think you could help me make sure we’re on time?” (Dubin, Alesandra. “Power Struggles with Kids, Explained” June 2, 2021. www.moshikids.com/articles/power-struggles-kids/)
Feelings are okay and children need to know that. Even when they are having a meltdown because you had to hold a boundary. They need that release because the feelings have to go somewhere and they have to be expressed in order to come out on the other side of those big feelings.
One thing to keep in mind is that although you cannot control your child’s emotions or actions you can control your own and it’s your job as parent to help them work through theirs.
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Having a new baby changes your world on every level. One level that might not get as much attention is your relationships with extended family. You are now a parent who has to think about what’s best for your children and this new family you’ve created. This is a shift because you, and your extended family, are used to you being the “kid” of your parents or in-laws.
This can be a challenging transition for you and your partner, as well as your family members. So let’s talk about how you can manage it in a healthy way.
You spent time considering the ways your life would change when you were preparing for your baby; you had to think about how your finances would be impacted, your career, your housing needs, etc. It’s OK to prepare your relationships for the changes as well.
You don’t have to know how things will change because there’s really no way to know exactly how things will change. It depends on a lot of factors that you can’t always predict! But just communicating in advance that changes may be coming will help prepare everyone so it doesn’t come out of the blue.
How you handle these situations may not change once you have a baby, but they might; so it’s best to be prepared, give family a head’s up and start to establish boundaries before the baby even arrives.
“All families come with their own unique dynamics, struggles, and traditions, but as a new parent, your job is to do what’s best for you, your baby, and your partner.” (Popsugar.com | How to Set Boundaries With Your Extended Family Once You Have Your Own | Katie Stahl, February 19, 2020, https://www.popsugar.com/family/How-Set-Boundaries-Family-After-Baby-42985522)
You can start to work it into conversations casually before the baby comes and closer to the due date, make sure those closest to you know how you feel.
Preparing people in advance for changes can also prepare you for being able to really flex your muscles at asking for what you need. Do you need people to bring food for lunch when they visit? Ask them. You need help putting away toys, folding laundry, etc.? Let them know you would really appreciate some help with that when they stop by. People in your life want to support you, but sometimes they just don’t know what you really need, so tell them exactly how they can help. Remember they might really love to help you.
The things you need help with may seem obvious to you but remember, people can’t read your mind. The things that would be a huge relief to be taken off of your plate may be small things that family members don’t even realize are a challenge for you to do.
It’s common to think about new parents having to limit visits from family members but maybe you want people to come around more. Sometimes being home alone with the baby can get lonely. So it works both ways, if you need less visits or more visits, being honest and communicating what you need to the people in your life is key.
First and foremost you need to make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
“To set strong boundaries, the first step is being clear with yourself and your partner about what those boundaries are, and why. Make sure you are both on the same page before you attempt taking on his family.” (parents.com | As A New Parent, How Do I Set Baby Boundaries With Extended Family? | Emily Edlynn, Ph.D, April 29, 2022, https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/ask-your-mom/how-do-i-set-baby-boundaries/)
When you decide what your boundaries will be you can go ahead and talk about how you will explain them to family members. Then you are both prepared and don’t get caught off guard wondering what to say if you are put on the spot and have to enforce that boundary with your family or their family.
Reaching an agreement about boundaries will hopefully help you avoid situations where one of you allows something that’s not OK with the other, or having a disagreement in front of your families. You want to feel supported by your partner when you say no to something, and it’s important to support them as well.
It’s helpful for you, and your family members, if you are both super clear about your boundaries so no one is left guessing what is and what is not okay.
You don’t want your family to feel like they are walking on eggshells all the time, you want them to enjoy time with the new baby because it’s a very exciting time and it’s important for your child to bond with grandparents and other family members.
“It’s unrealistic to expect the grandparents to behave like paid babysitters following a checklist. They’ll need some free rein to create their own dynamic with your kids. If it’s important that they respect your toddler’s nap time, hold that line. But ease up on less essential rules.” (Happiestbaby.com | How to Set Boundaries with Grandparents, https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/parents/grandparent-boundaries)
So make sure your boundaries don’t turn into just a lot of rules that make visits hard for everyone.
Just like in life, everything in your life as a new family can not be 100% controlled and you can stress yourself out if you put too much pressure on yourself to make everything perfect. As new parents you will have instincts about what is best and it’s up to you to decide how your new family engages with others; you will know which battles are worth fighting and when you can let your guard down a little.
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