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This is a big parenting technique that has been taught for decades about how to deal with tantrums and big feelings: just ignore them. And, if we’re being honest, it makes sense coming from a behavioral perspective – reinforce behaviors you want to see more …
There’s a lot more information about trauma out there on social media now, which is great because it elevates collective awareness around trauma and how it impacts our daily lives. You’ve probably heard of flight or flight as responses to trauma triggers, but you may …
Have you heard someone say that a person is emotionally unavailable? Or maybe they have said that they are emotionally unavailable. This is a term that gets used a lot on social media so we thought we’d take a moment to clear it up and explain what it is.
“Emotional unavailability refers to someone who doesn’t respond to your emotional needs or cues. An emotionally unavailable man or woman has persistent difficulty expressing or handling emotions, and getting emotionally close to other people.” (Psych Central | How to Spot Emotional Unavailability: 5 Signs | Julie Marks and Sandra Silva Casabianca, September 24, 2021)
Sometimes people may be emotionally unavailable because they have a lot going on in their life and they don’t have the time, energy or desire to invest themselves emotionally; this is natural. Then there are people who are emotionally unavailable consistently and it’s due to past trauma, a mental health or personality disorder, or some other reason.
Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable can lead to you feeling insecure because they may not be affectionate, seem distant, or have trouble talking about feelings. In addition, if someone you care about is not responsive to your emotions, it can be hard to build trust or feel connected to them.
And, sometimes, you are that person! It’s OK! We’re all here to learn.
Often times this is something that’s easier to notice in other people. However, if you find yourself noticing it in a lot of others, it might be lurking somewhere for you. It’s important to be honest with yourself and assess your relationships and interactions and be willing to see the signs if they are there.
One of the signs is that you avoid commitment and/or labels. There is a fear of things getting too serious or for deeper connections to be established, so you keep things on the surface level so there aren’t too many emotions involved. You would prefer to just have casual relationships and if the other person expresses care for you, it makes you uncomfortable.
Another way to recognize this in yourself is if you withhold personal feelings and thoughts. “If you’ve found yourself unable or unwilling to share your feelings, you’re likely emotionally unavailable…this includes things like life goals, life regrets, wishes, hopes, and longings. While it may feel like you’re just “being careful” with the vulnerable details of your mind, you can’t create meaningful connections without taking some risks.” (Mindbodygreen.com | mbg relationships | Emotionally Unavailable: What It Means & 15 Signs To Look For | Gigi Engle)
Lastly, reflect on how you handle conflict with others. Are you willing to work through them and try to work it out or are you quick to cut people off? If the latter is true, then you may be emotionally unavailable because ending the relationship is easier than doing the emotional work to maintain the relationship; so to protect yourself you just let them go.
It is possible to manage this and change is possible if you are willing to work at it. Like with most emotional issues, it’s important to take it slow. “ True vulnerability takes time, and pushing yourself to open up before you’re ready can sometimes trigger distress or discomfort. A better approach? Small, gradual changes.” (Healthline | What It Really Means to Be Emotionally Unavailable | Crystal Raypole).
More than likely you built up walls or defenses over time that led you to being guarded with your emotions, so it’s unlikely you can break down those walls overnight, and that’s okay.
Identifying and taking responsibility for your own emotions is a good first step. Being in tune with what you are feeling before you share it with others can be helpful because you will feel less vulnerable. Keeping a journal of your feelings is one way you can get your emotions out and get comfortable with them on your own, and prepare yourself to let others in.
Communication is important, so be upfront with the people that you care about and tell them that expressing emotions is hard for you. If you find it difficult to talk to them then maybe it will be helpful to talk with a therapist. They can offer guidance, help you identify the causes and work with you to develop strategies to be more comfortable with your own emotions and receptive to the emotions of the people in your life.
“…the process of being in a therapeutic relationship with their therapist allows an emotionally unavailable person to experience, perhaps for the first time, how safe, rewarding, fulfilling and comforting it is to be emotionally available and present.” (All Relationship Matters: Relationship Counseling in Melbourne, Online and Telehealth | Understanding the Emotionally Unavailable)
Emotional unavailability, whether on your part or others, can be frustrating and lead to the breakdown of relationships. Meaningful relationships are built on emotional connections; if you are closed off emotionally then you may miss out on feeling connected, feeling loved, having fun, feeling supported in some of the most important relationships in your life.
We have entered the holiday season and perfectionism is something that can come up now more than other times of the year, especially for perfectionists. However, you can create trust and connection without being perfect. In our last blog post we talked about the cost …
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As a parent, if you can teach your teen to master the basics then you will be setting them up to cope with the stressors of life in a healthy way. All parents want to prepare their children to be able to face challenging situations and have the skills needed to take care of themselves and live independently.
It may be a challenge to instill these basic practices in your teen because they may not be receptive to advice and prompts at this stage in their life. However, if they observe you focusing on the essential basics in your own life, and you consistently point them to these basic practices, you will be giving them tools that they can use in the years to come.
We previously covered 5 basics – food, water, rest, movement, mindfulness – and explained why they are essential to mental health. If you haven’t already reviewed these 5 basics click HERE to read the blog post before you continue.
Most parents will notice their young children watching their every move and even copying them; and kids are usually very honest and will tell you they want to be just like you. Teens, on the other hand, will usually cringe at the idea of being like mom or dad, and they definitely won’t admit that they want to be like you.
But this does not mean that your teenager is not watching how you behave, how you react in challenging situations, and how you cope with stress and other challenges. They are watching and what you show them will impact how they handle situations and challenges in their own life. That’s why it is important to model healthy habits and behaviors to your children, and especially to your teen.
No parent is perfect and your teen will see your imperfections and when you don’t make the best choices. However, if they see that you consistently focus on the basic practices that lead to both physical and emotional well-being, they will begin to develop a positive foundation that they can build their own healthy habits on.
It may be hard for your teen to commit to implementing these basics and they may not feel like they will work for them. As a parent, one way you can get them on board is by connecting it to something they want or that is important to them.
Your teen may be experiencing stress or dealing with a challenging situation and ask you to be excused from responsibilities, school, etc. You can develop a plan with your teen to allow their request to be honored if they are willing to implement some of the basics. When you create this plan, it’s important to work together and to agree on specifics– what is included and how it will be implemented. This will allow them to feel involved and not like you are demanding that they try something.
Most teens have a hard time committing to things or trying things because they do not understand how it will benefit them. Connecting the desired behavior or action to something they want can provide the motivation for them to begin, and hopefully once they realize the benefits, they will continue the behavior or action because they truly see the importance of it–even if they don’t want to admit that to you.
Admitting that their parents are right is one of the hardest things for teens to do, so most of the time they don’t; and that’s okay! You don’t need for your teen to admit that you are right or that the advice you gave them was helpful. Unfortunately, you may never know if your teen came to the realization that you were right about something.
However, if you have been consistent in your message to your teen and have consistently modeled positive behaviors to them, then it’s very likely that at some point your teen will realize that you were right. But having them verbalize that you were right is not what will create the positive impact in their life; their experience of the benefits that come from taking care of the basics is what will benefit them for years to come.
If your teen experiences how the basics can support them both physically and emotionally, then they will take that with them into the world and it can never be taken away from them. But they have to realize and experience it on their own, you can’t do that for them. It takes seeing it modeled at home, trying it themselves and experiencing the positive results to truly invest into this using this approach when things get challenging in their life.
Looking for some extra support for your teen to prepare them for what lies ahead? We’d love to offer that support. Contact us HERE.
When clients are going through a difficult time, they often want to work through the stressors. Of course. However, I often redirect them to really focusing on the basics to create a stable platform from which to address what is happening. Creating that stability makes …
Month after month, these 5 posts from our blog have the most visitors. And there is good reason for it! These posts also contain information that I most often share with my clients at least once over the course of treatment. Have you seen these? …
For parents, it can come up around whether to mandate that a child follow through with something like a sports commitment. For adults, it can come up around whether to stay at a demanding job or work through issues in friendships or relationships.
Those a just a couple of common examples… there are lots of circumstances that bring up this quandary.
While I wish I had a tip to share with you that would let you know every time without fail, there isn’t a “one size fits all” answer. Like with any complex life decision, the answer is “it depends”.
The good news is: I can share some guidance about what it depends on so you can start to develop a formula for yourself and your kid(s) about when to push through and when to let go.
Much of the reason these moments come up for you or your child is to learn and grow. Usually approaching something like this is not best solved by just ignoring, avoiding, being reactive or finding the easiest way out. Best to give it your attention.
If you hang on too long, you might struggle with blaming yourself or doubting your internal wisdom. If you give up easily, you might struggle with feeling empowered and confident that you can face and meet challenges. Of course, it is not so cut and dried, but these are just basic outlines.
Here, it’s good for you to look at your patterns in these kinds of cross roads in the past and consider how that could inform this current decision.
Maybe this is a good time to try out a different way of approaching things?
When you push through, did you find that was a good choice? Were you glad you stuck with it? How does that relate to the current circumstance?
When you have let go of things in the past, did you find that was a good choice? Were you glad you let it go? How does that inform the current circumstance?
For example, if you are establishing a workout routine, do you only resist in getting started, but you always feel better afterward? That’s a good indicator that it is best to push through the resistance.
Does your child have resistance before going to practice and hates it afterward as well and any time the topic comes up? Maybe a good indicator that this is not the right sport at this time. It doesn’t mean you have to give up on having your child be active, but it may mean mandating that they pick something active to do regularly, but they have the freedom to choose.
When it comes to relationships, do you tend to allow too many boundary crossings (interactions that are not OK with you) and then blow up or cut off? This one can be a mix. You push through by communicating your boundary and let go of being “the nice one”. If that doesn’t go over well, then you know some space in the relationship or less investment in the relationship may be best.
One of my personal “tells” is irritation. I can be resistant to something, but push through and be happy about it or at least feel relief. If I am irritated and in a negative mood regularly in relation to something in my life, it means I need to let go and get space. It’s taken time for me to learn that and see the pattern, but it is very reliable.
When you look at the situation, is there an opportunity to practice something that is being presented to you?
Is it a chance to learn how to work through a challenge?
Is it an opportunity to practice something you have not been good at historically?
Is being attuned to your inner knowing (or your child’s feelings) something that happens less than you would like and it is important to do that now?
Is it important just to show up right now when you want to run away or avoid?
You want to look at your priorities and long term objectives.
Right now, are you teaching your child about commitment? Or are you teaching your child about listening to and trusting their natural response?
Trusting a natural response is important to cultivate so a child can sense what is right for them in the future, so they know what people are safe or not safe or so they know what they want to pursue in life.
Commitment is important to learn so your child can meet challenges and thrive.
Both of those things are important, but what is it that your child will benefit from most right now? There might be different times to practice each of these things.
When it comes to you, what are you working on right now? What is important for you to practice?
Therapy is not cheap. It requires resources. Both time and money, obviously. But in order for it to be as effective as possible, it requires your energy and attention. I think therapy can benefit most people, regardless of how well or how poorly life seems …