When Your Teen Doesn’t Want To Be in Therapy: Why the Therapist Can’t Just Be Another Adult on Your Side
When a teenager is struggling, parents naturally want to help. So as a parent, you look for a therapist because you want someone who can reach their teen, help them work through challenges, and provide another perspective.
But as a parent, don’t be surprised if therapy doesn’t look the way you expected it to. A therapist shouldn’t just reinforce the rules, expectations, or concerns you have already expressed at home.
For therapy to be effective, your teen needs to feel like their therapist is someone who is there for them, not someone who has been brought into their life to convince them that their parents are right.
I mean, you teen might come to the conclusion that they want to be responsible or might develop an ability to reflect or problem solve exactly as you suggested, but they have to arrive there on their own accord. Therapists can help with that because they don’t need your teen to be different. Meaning: the therapist’s household is not being disrupted by your teen, so they don’t have a personal need that drives the therapy. This puts a therapist in a unique position to help and we want to preserve that.
Therapy Has to Feel Different
Not another authority figure
Teenagers already have lots of adults in their lives telling them what to do…teachers, coaches and bosses; and they all have different expectations of them.
If therapy feels like another place where an adult is going to tell them what they should be doing, they may be resistant to opening up.
The goal of therapy is to provide a space where a young person can slow down, reflect on what’s happening in their life, develop insight, and learn skills without feeling like they’re being lectured or disciplined. The therapist isn’t meant to just be another authority figure in their life.
That doesn’t mean a therapist agrees with everything a teenager says or does. It means the therapist creates enough safety for the teen to honestly explore thoughts, feelings and challenges they are facing.
Separate from the parent
It can be difficult for parents to hear that the therapist isn’t going to automatically take their side.
Parents have information that matters because they see things that happen at home, notice changes in behavior, and often have concerns their teen isn’t aware of. But the therapist still needs to establish and maintain a relationship with the teen that is separate from the parent’s relationship with the teen.
The therapist can take in information from the parent, but has to protect the trust in the therapeutic relationship. Every therapist handles this line of confidentiality differently. These are questions to ask a therapist: can I share things with you outside of session, how do you work with that information in therapy with my teenager?
Teens may stop sharing if they believe everything they say will immediately be reported back to their parents. If they believe that the therapist has already decided that the parent is right, they may never feel comfortable being honest and truly opening up.
Technically, your teens information (AKA what they share in therapy) is confidential and is something the therapist only shares with consent from the client unless there is a safety issue like danger or harm to themselves or others, or suspected child abuse or neglect. Read more about the laws in California here. (“Minors in California Therapy: Who Consents, and Who Can See the Records.” Sentio University.)
A relationship of their own
Teens need to establish a therapeutic relationship that belongs to them and the therapist and it can take time to develop.
The relationship they have with the therapist is not one that should replace the parent, it should provide something different from what the parent can provide.
Sometimes the most helpful thing a therapist can offer is simply a relationship where a teen feels heard without immediately being corrected, defended, or punished.
“It is important for the therapist to meet your teen where they are, and for your teen to feel they have a certain level of autonomy and the ability to guide the session.” (Dromerick, Bridget. “Working with your Teen and Your Teen’s Therapist.” Washington Behavioral Medicine Associates. May 26, 2025. https://wbma.cc/working-with-your-teen-and-your-teens-therapist/)
Therapy needs to be a place where your teen can share their perspective even if it is different from that of their parents or other adults in their life.
Trust Comes Before Talking
Teens might show up guarded
Initially teens may be resistant to therapy and we talk about that HERE. Then once they actually get to therapy they may be guarded.
A teenager who doesn’t want therapy may walk into the first session already thinking that they don’t need to be there and that they aren’t going to share anything.
Adults sometimes expect teens to immediately let the therapist in and be vulnerable. But trust doesn’t work that way, especially when someone didn’t choose to be there in the first place.
If a teen is guarded they may need several sessions before they begin sharing meaningful information, and that’s okay! It doesn’t mean therapy isn’t working, it means that’s where they are starting in the process.
Rapport creates openness
Before a teenager is willing to talk about very personal things in their life, they need to feel comfortable with the person sitting across from them. That’s where rapport comes in.
Rapport is the foundation of the therapeutic relationship. It allows the teen to understand that the therapist isn’t there to judge them, take sides, or simply repeat everything their parent has already said. Once trust develops, conversations can become much more productive.
Sometimes therapy begins with talking about music, sports, school, social media, video games, friends, or whatever feels safe. Those conversations aren’t a waste of time, they are crucial to build the relationship.
This is the beginning of the relationship that eventually makes the harder conversations possible.
Parents Still Matter
Parent input is important
Creating a separate therapeutic relationship with a teen does not mean parents don’t matter or play an important role in the overall process.
Parents can provide valuable information about a teen’s behavior, history, family dynamics, changes they have noticed, and concerns that may not come up during a therapy session.
For younger adolescents especially, parent involvement can be an important part of treatment.
The key is understanding that providing information doesn’t mean they have a role in directing the therapy. They can share information to help the therapist understand the bigger picture without requiring the therapist to tell the teen that their parent is right.
We talk more about the role of the parent in a past blog HERE.
Roles and boundaries stay clear
The roles of parent, therapist and client shouldn’t become blurred in therapy.
Parents can expect communication about important safety concerns and general progress made, but they should also recognize that their teenager needs some privacy in order to have a positive, effective experience in therapy.
The teen’s age plays a part in determining exactly what can be shared, as well as the type of treatment, laws and therapist policies. Expectations and boundaries should be discussed at the beginning of treatment so everyone is on the same page.
Therapists don’t try to exclude parents, but they do have to create trust with the teen so that they can participate in the therapeutic process.
Ultimately, therapy works best when everyone understands their role. The parent does not have to step aside and the therapist doesn’t have to take sides.
Teenagers shouldn’t feel like they’re sitting in front of another adult who has already decided what’s wrong with them.
The goal is to create a space where a teen can be honest enough to understand themselves, develop new skills, and work toward meaningful change, all while feeling supported by adults who care about them.
If you are considering therapy for your teen, contact us, we can help.