Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
The school year is usually nonstop for teens. There is so much going on with school, extracurricular activities, sports, social events and more. So there may not be a lot of time to focus on emotional well-being. But summer is usually different. There are less …
Teenage girls can quietly carry a persistent self-criticism that others can’t see from the outside. They may appear to have it all together, but internally they question their worth, don’t acknowledge their strengths, and assume they are falling short. Because this struggle is mostly internal, …
It’s super common for parents of teens to come to a session saying that they want their kids to stop being on their phone so much or stop treating home like a hotel.
It’s a hard transition when teens start to put so much of their focus on their friends. It seems disrespectful, seems like it demonstrates being ungrateful and it makes sense given that there are other behaviors that show up that feel disrespectful and ungrateful.
Let’s look at this from a developmental perspective.
In order to become a well-adjusted adult, there are development tasks that must be accomplished during adolescence. How fast each stage is accomplished and how smooth the process is varies for each individual.
Three important ones are independence, physical development/body image and identity formation.
It’s common for adolescents to start to pull away from their family and want to do their own thing. “Early adolescents crave privacy and desire to control their personal information as they carve out a life separate from that of their parents.”
(“Psychosocial Development”. UTMB Health.www.utmb.edu/pedi_ed/CoreV2/Adolescent/Adolescent5.html).
Although this is a good thing and is necessary for their development, it’s a little scary for parents to give them the freedom they desire. Developing independence can include trying new things, making their own decisions and taking on more responsibility. During this time they will need space and privacy to learn how to be independent, however, there will need to be some boundaries in place to keep them safe.
As adolescents begin to physically develop they have to adjust to how their body is changing and this is when body image comes into play. The desire to be “normal” is very common which means adolescents typically compare themselves to other adolescents. “Physical changes may not occur in a smooth, regular schedule. Therefore, adolescents may go through awkward stages, both in their appearance and physical coordination.” (“Adolescent Development”. Medline Plus. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/002003.htm).
These changes can cause adolescents to become self-conscious and/or sensitive which can cause them to pull away from their parents.
During adolescence, individuals will “try out” different appearances and behaviors to see which one feels like them. But it goes beyond the behaviors and appearances; they are forming their own values, thoughts and opinions, which all play a role in forming their identity.
“Young people’s identities are shaped by lots of factors — family, cultural and societal expectations, experiences with institutions like school and the media, and friends.” (Williams, Joanna. “Developing Adolescent Identify”. Center for Parent and Teen Communication. September 4, 2018.https://parentandteen.com/developing-adolescent-identity/).
There is a shift at some point during these years that prompts teens to start thinking about who they are and who they want to be. As they start to learn who they are, separate from their parents and family, they start to gain a true sense of self and begin to feel comfortable asserting their identity. (Fraser-Thrill, Rebecca. “What is Individuation?”. Very Well Mind. October 7, 2021. www.verywellmind.com/individuation)
As adolescents start to pull away from their parents, they gravitate towards friends for support and guidance. “Friendships are incredibly important during adolescence. Teen friendships help young people feel a sense of acceptance and belonging. They support the development of compassion, caring, and empathy.” (“The Importance of Teen Friendships”. Newport Academy. June 13, 2022. www.newportacademy.com/resources/empowering-teens/teen-friendships/.)
It’s natural for teens to choose time with friends over time with parents. When they spend time with friends they feel less stress because they are going through the same things and their friends understand them. Having this supportive outlet helps them deal with any challenging feelings that come with the big developmental tasks, helping them to feel less alone.
FIRST: When you put limits on time with friends, consider where that limit is coming from. Is it based on your needs or theirs? If it’s based on your needs then think about what need is being met for your adolescent by spending time with friends. This can help you see how it is actually a positive way you can support them.
SECOND: Have limits that are enforceable and sustainable. If the limit is not easy to enforce or uphold, then the lines can get blurry and the boundaries aren’t clear. This can be confusing for your teen.
Give a short, but well thought out reason behind the limit, something your teen can respect even if they don’t like it. As they are maturing and understanding things on a more adult level, it will make more sense to them if they know the reason and you have been up front about it.
Trying to control your teen and come between them and their friends will only push them further away. Acknowledging that their friends are important and encouraging them to develop and nurture their friendships will let them know that you support them.
Social media, whether we like it or not, has an impact on the therapy world. In therapy, we often educate our clients about mental health, family dynamics, and emotional wellness. We normalize and validate experiences to create a platform for the work you come to …
A lot of parents bring up phone time and social media use as concerns in sessions. We thought we’d take a minute to talk about this because it’s important for teens, but also for you as adults. Social media and screen time are here to …
As we discussed in our last post, there are some aspects of mental health being discussed on social media that we love; and there are some parts that are making things hard.
We know there are a lot of conversations happening in households across the world about mental health that come from Tik Tok. This social platform has brought some mental health disorders into the light and things that were not a topic of conversation in the past, are now discussed frequently.
So what if your teen is saying they are sure, after seeing information on Tik Tok, that they have a serious mental health diagnosis, like Autism, ADHD, Bipolar Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, or Dissociative Identity Disorder? Let’s talk about how they may have come to think this and how to handle it.
First, it’s important to understand that Tik Tok operates on an algorithm; all social media platforms (Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, etc.) do. This algorithm drives what your teen sees on Tik Tok. It figures out what they are interested in and shows them more of it. It determines their interests based on what they watch the most or videos they linger on, comment on or hit the like button on. In the beginning, they are shown a general selection of popular videos and as they start to perform the actions mentioned above, the selection gets smaller to include a certain type of videos.
This video from an article by the Wall Street Journal, helps break down the process of how Tik Tok videos can lead teens to think they have a mental health diagnosis. (The Wall Street Journal; TikTok Diagnosis Videos Leave Some Teens Thinking They Have Rare Mental Disorders; TECH | FAMILY & TECH: JULIE JARGON; 12/26/21)
If your teen lingers on or likes a video about a mental health disorder, or a behavior associated with a disorder (like sadness, anxiety, fear, etc.) then the algorithm will start to show them more of those videos. Sometimes teens think the platform must be reading their mind and knows something about them because it’s all that pops up in their feed. This leads to some teens ‘self-diagnosing’ and becoming convinced they have a legitimate mental health issue.
So if your teen comes to you and says they think they are dealing with a mental health disorder, how should you handle it?
It’s important to validate your teen’s feelings because first, and foremost, they really just want to be seen and heard. If you just dismiss their feelings or what they are telling you it will not make those feelings just go away, it will more than likely cause them to feel worse and refrain from confiding in you in the future.
Think of what they are going through with their ‘Tik Tok diagnosis’ as the equivalent of googling physical symptoms. We all know what happens when we do that; everyone has a little bit of everything. You end up going down a rabbit hole and only seeing the worst case scenario play out for your situation.
Don’t freak out if some of this is directed at you. We are human beings raised by human beings. Take it from us, you literally did your best every day raising your child. Literal blood, sweat and tears have gone into bringing your child into this world and through it. You’ve done a great job! No one does everything perfectly. Even the Dali Lama could use therapy.
So, do your best not to take this personally even if your teen is saying it’s your fault. We talk about taking the blame out of therapy HERE in a past blog post.
Questioning the possibility of a mental health diagnosis can be an acceptable way for your teen, or preteen, to talk about what is happening in their internal world. It’s an opportunity for exploration and connection and you can walk alongside them as they figure it out. Curiosity about mental and emotional health is a good thing, you don’t want to discourage that or insinuate that it’s bad.
This is part of their identity development which is an important developmental task. They are exploring who they are and learning so much about themselves at this stage. A diagnosis is one way kids can identify with something. While you might see it as a bad thing, it is actually a framework they can fit into and relate to others through.
Being panicked about this developmental drive would be similar to being panicked about your child trying to walk and falling down. The only difference is that this is an emotional and relational developmental task rather than a physical one. Yes, there is a chance that problems will arise but they can overcome those problems when they work through them with someone they trust.
As a parent it can be hard to stand back and let your child explore and figure things out, but sometimes it’s necessary. Continue to provide support but understand that you will not have all the answers and can’t always fix things, and that’s okay.
If your teen feels that they have a mental health disorder and they have opened up to you about it, this may be a good time to get a therapist involved. A therapist can assess, educate, clarify and correct anything that could be misinformation or simply unhelpful information. Then both you and your child will be able to understand what is happening with them emotionally and not just guessing or wondering if there is truly a diagnosis there.
Looking for a therapist can feel validating for them. It may help them feel like they have some control over the situation and are working on a resolution to the emotional distress they are experiencing.
A therapist can individualize treatment and care and redirect to online resources that are actually helpful. This will allow your preteen or teen to use social media as a support rather than something convincing them there is something terribly wrong.
Information of all kinds is so much more accessible these days than it has been in the past. And, on the bright side, there has been a significant rise in information and awareness around mental health issues. After decades of shame and stigma surrounding mental …
As a parent, if you can teach your teen to master the basics then you will be setting them up to cope with the stressors of life in a healthy way. All parents want to prepare their children to be able to face challenging situations …
Our very own Anna Pirkl, MFT, ATR, LADAAC partnered with South Bay Families Connected and created this wonderful series of short videos to support you in staying motivated during distance learning.
I know everyone can use some support in this area. I love how the videos are only a couple minutes (if that!) each.
If you know Anna, you know that she is very talented at skill building AND she uses these very strategies herself. So she is not recommending anything she hasn’t done or relied on personally.
Thank you Anna and South Bay Families Connected for doing this important work!
South Bay Families Connected is a great resource on mental health for teens and parents. If you are not already aware of them, we highly recommend you check out all they have to offer (here).
So you see that your child, preteen or teen could really benefit from therapy. And, your child, preteen or teen doesn’t want to do it. This is a tough dilemma. One that comes from being an aware and attuned parent. So, right there, you are …