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When a teenager is struggling, parents naturally want to help. So as a parent, you look for a therapist because you want someone who can reach their teen, help them work through challenges, and provide another perspective. But as a parent, don’t be surprised if …
The school year is usually nonstop for teens. There is so much going on with school, extracurricular activities, sports, social events and more. So there may not be a lot of time to focus on emotional well-being. But summer is usually different. There are less …
Teenage girls can quietly carry a persistent self-criticism that others can’t see from the outside. They may appear to have it all together, but internally they question their worth, don’t acknowledge their strengths, and assume they are falling short.
Because this struggle is mostly internal, it is usually missed or misunderstood. So let’s talk about what is happening and how to recognize it.
Many teen girls appear confident, high-achieving, and emotionally “fine” on the outside, while internally they carry intense self-criticism, shame, and fear of not being good enough. They tend to mask their distress through perfectionism and people-pleasing, and they learn to hide their struggles to meet expectations and avoid judgment. They can become really good at hiding how they really feel and what is really going on inside.
In therapy, we hear things like:
I’m happy I did well, but I got lucky.
This boy smiled at me, but I don’t know what he sees in me.
I think my friends don’t like me.
I have no friends.
These kinds of thoughts are very common among teen girls, because most grow up in environments that reward being agreeable, successful, and “put together,” understandably. But what sometimes happens is that there’s little space to express doubt, anger, or insecurity.
High expectations from parents, peers, social media, and culture become the focus and they start to measure their worth through things like performance, appearance, and approval. Over time, this can turn into their internal voice that minimizes their strengths and assumes rejection before it happens. So self-criticism may feel safer or more familiar than self-trust.
But just because this pattern is normal, that doesn’t mean it should be ignored. If it goes on for an extended period of time, it can erode confidence, relationships, and emotional well-being. So it’s important that it is noticed and addressed, in a gentle, positive way.
“By separating personal achievements and standards from self-worth, it is possible to prevent negative emotional outcomes like adolescent identity struggles. Embracing their unconditional self-worth promotes an identity outside of achievements, beauty, skill, and approval.”
(Burkhart, Meagan. “Harsh Self-Criticism in Teens: What to Do About It.” Mission Prep Healthcare. November 23, 2025. https://missionprephealthcare.com/mental-health-resources/emotional-behavioral-symptoms/self-criticism/)
This is part of development. For many teenage girls, their behaviors are a result of a fragile self-trust not a result of wanting attention. As they are still forming their identity, they often doubt their own perceptions, feelings, and worth. When there is a strong fear of being rejected or misunderstood, it can feel safer to question themselves than to risk believing something positive and being wrong.
Making light of their achievements, second-guessing relationships, or assuming others don’t like them are ways of protecting against disappointment, not ways of seeking attention. This self-doubt shows how much they are still learning to trust their own inner voice in a world that often sends mixed or critical messages about who they should be.
Common behaviors parents notice are:
These behaviors are often misunderstood as laziness, defiance, or attitude, but they frequently are just what shows up on the surface, when there is self-doubt and fear of failure under the surface. When a teen doesn’t trust herself to cope, succeed, or be “good enough,” frustration, avoidance, and shutdown can feel safer than trying and risking disappointment or criticism.
When parents respond with a quick reassurance like, “You’re great! Why would you think that?” it’s usually well-intentioned, but it can unintentionally dismiss the teen’s internal experience.
“Mindfully noticing self criticism and its effects means stopping to notice the thoughts we are having and acknowledging the pain and sadness which it brings. In other words, it is labeling specifically what is happening in our minds rather than just being lost in the experience itself.”…“We can help our young people to do this too.”
Teens need curiosity and validation before encouragement because feeling understood helps calm the nervous system and builds trust. If an adult first shows interest by asking questions like “Tell me more about what made you feel that way” it helps show them that they want to learn about what they are feeling and why they feel that way. Responding by expressing understanding by saying something like, “That sounds really heavy”, can validate their emotions instead of dismissing them. This can help the teen feel safer and more grounded.
Once they feel validated, encouragement can be received in a meaningful way. It’s helpful to build a foundation so that reassurance does not just feel like pressure to “feel better” which can reinforce self-doubt instead of reducing it.
Therapy is helpful because it provides a safe, consistent space for teens to understand themselves rather than judge themselves. Instead of trying to “fix” thoughts right away, therapy focuses on building self-trust and emotional safety first.
Therapy helps with:
Over time, therapy helps teen girls replace their self-criticism with compassion for themselves. They can learn to trust in themselves and develop a positive inner voice.
Anger, resistance, and anxiety are often treated as the problem, but for many teen girls they are signals that point to what’s happening beneath the surface. These behaviors are indicators that they don’t trust themself or are afraid of failing. Strong emotions can be protective strategies rather than defiance.
It’s helpful to look beneath the behavior to self-belief. Gently reflect what you notice: “I wonder if part of this feels like too much pressure”. Before trying to help them solve their problems, acknowledge what they are feeling and validate those feelings.
When parents shift from thinking about how to stop a behavior to thinking about what the behavior reveals about how their teen sees herself, they can start to help them build their self-trust. Over time, feeling understood helps teens replace self-doubt and criticism with confidence.
Teen girls navigate intense academic, social, and cultural pressures while their sense of identity is still forming, leading to harsh self-criticism. Without strong self-trust, they learn to scan for mistakes and flaws as a way to prevent failure or rejection. This is common but if it is having a significant impact on their quality of life it should not be ignored. If your teen is struggling and you need help, contact us, we can help.
It’s super common for parents of teens to come to a session saying that they want their kids to stop being on their phone so much or stop treating home like a hotel. It’s a hard transition when teens start to put so much of …
Social media, whether we like it or not, has an impact on the therapy world. In therapy, we often educate our clients about mental health, family dynamics, and emotional wellness. We normalize and validate experiences to create a platform for the work you come to …
A lot of parents bring up phone time and social media use as concerns in sessions. We thought we’d take a minute to talk about this because it’s important for teens, but also for you as adults.
Social media and screen time are here to stay and it’s not all bad.
So let’s learn how to work with it rather than fight against it. On a positive note, these skills of knowing and regulating yourself can be applied to so many areas of life.
Let’s use this area for an opportunity to become better.
You may not consider any amount of screen time ‘healthy’ but the guidance on the acceptable amount of screen time for an individual varies depending on their age. “The American Academy of Pediatrics discourages media use by children younger than 2 and recommends limiting older children’s screen time to no more than one or two hours a day.” (May Clinic Health System | Children and screen time: How much is too much?; Jill Christensen, May 28, 2021)
Some general rules of thumb to follow based on recommendations from various experts in medicine and psychiatry are:
“Experts say adults should limit screen time outside of work to less than two hours per day. Any time beyond that which you would typically spend on screens should instead be spent participating in physical activity.” (Reid Health | How Much Screen Time is Too Much for Adults?). It’s also good that adults set examples for their kids and show them that there are things that are more important in life than being tied to a screen all day.
1. If logging into a social media site, or engaging in some other activity on a screen, is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night, then it may be time for a break.
This just goes to show that your time online has become more important than it should be because you feel like you need it. More than likely you do not realize how dependent you have become on this activity to function or feel fulfilled.
2. Another way you can tell you need to take a break from social media is when you begin to compare yourself to others and never feel good enough. Even without social media we will fall victim to the comparison game because we are human; but too much social media can push us to the point that we are never satisfied with who we are or what we have.
“Social media lacks emotional connection, gives people an avenue to be hurtful, and decreases our face-to-face communication skills. It can drive unneeded jealousy where people see other people’s lives as better than their own.” (Better Humans | 7 Warning Signs You Need a Break from Technology and Social Media These things are telling you that you must take a break; Matthew Royse, June 8, 2022)
3. A third sign that may indicate you need to take a break is that you are withdrawing from others. Social media can feel that space that you would normally use to interact and socialize with friends and family. If you find yourself choosing to stay home and scroll then maybe you have become too comfortable with the online world and you need to get out and connect with real people again.
The important piece here is to learn what your internal signals are and help your kids learn what their internal signals are so they know how to self regulate.
1. It can help you set priorities – A social media detox can help you become more mindful of how you spend your time each day; especially the amount of time you spend on your devices. Once you identify where you are spending time on things that aren’t important, or you feel shouldn’t be important, then you can redirect your attention to the things that you want to be a priority in your life.
2. It can help you relax – We typically think of time spent on social media as relaxing but it can actually be a stressful task that we feel obligated to participate in; therefore, a detox can help you loosen up and relax.
“For one thing, it could lessen the obligations some people associate with constant communication. Responding to new texts, emails, and Facebook messages nonstop can become stressful, and getting away from that—even for just a day—can feel great.” (Self.com | 5 Potential Mental Health Benefits of Deleting Social Media; Lindsey Lanquist, September 2, 2020)
3. It can help you sleep better – If your nightly routine includes scrolling through your phone right before you turn out the light then more than likely you are not able to get to sleep quickly and/or you are not getting quality rest. In one of our past blogs How Does Screen Time Impact Your Mental Health? we shared information on how screen time late in the evenings has a negative effect on sleep habits. (Read more here).
Since studies have shown that there is a connection between screen time and sleep, it’s only natural that a detox would help you sleep better.
The first step is to talk about the plan before you enforce something. Get aligned on your values, with yourself, and your habits as an adult or for you and your partner as parents. Then open up a conversation with your family to reflect about how each person sees themselves being impacted by social media.
If your teen has a minimal response, that’s fine. Just having the question out there is helpful.
The goal is for this to be a conversation first, then, if you feel like you want to implement some changes, you can develop a strategy that works for your family.
It’s important that these changes are talked about in advance, outlined and structured.
This will be more successful than reacting to something in the moment. A reactive approach leads to setting up an arbitrary “rule” that might be hard to uphold and doesn’t yield a long lasting result. Then you’ll be back wrestling with the issue again before you know.
Supporting healthy screen time habits for your family is important and everyone, parents and kids, should be held accountable to uphold the plan. We talk more about ways to support healthy screen time HERE.
Like it or not, social media has, and will continue to, impact your lives, and your children’s lives. Learning how to use it in a way that is healthy and does not take up all your thoughts and time is essential.
There are positive things that come from social media so eliminating it from your life all together may not be the best choice.
Self-awareness is key, learning to recognize when you need to back off or take a break can help you avoid some of the negative effects associated with social media.
As we discussed in our last post, there are some aspects of mental health being discussed on social media that we love; and there are some parts that are making things hard. We know there are a lot of conversations happening in households across the …
Information of all kinds is so much more accessible these days than it has been in the past. And, on the bright side, there has been a significant rise in information and awareness around mental health issues. After decades of shame and stigma surrounding mental …
As a parent, if you can teach your teen to master the basics then you will be setting them up to cope with the stressors of life in a healthy way. All parents want to prepare their children to be able to face challenging situations and have the skills needed to take care of themselves and live independently.
It may be a challenge to instill these basic practices in your teen because they may not be receptive to advice and prompts at this stage in their life. However, if they observe you focusing on the essential basics in your own life, and you consistently point them to these basic practices, you will be giving them tools that they can use in the years to come.
We previously covered 5 basics – food, water, rest, movement, mindfulness – and explained why they are essential to mental health. If you haven’t already reviewed these 5 basics click HERE to read the blog post before you continue.
Most parents will notice their young children watching their every move and even copying them; and kids are usually very honest and will tell you they want to be just like you. Teens, on the other hand, will usually cringe at the idea of being like mom or dad, and they definitely won’t admit that they want to be like you.
But this does not mean that your teenager is not watching how you behave, how you react in challenging situations, and how you cope with stress and other challenges. They are watching and what you show them will impact how they handle situations and challenges in their own life. That’s why it is important to model healthy habits and behaviors to your children, and especially to your teen.
No parent is perfect and your teen will see your imperfections and when you don’t make the best choices. However, if they see that you consistently focus on the basic practices that lead to both physical and emotional well-being, they will begin to develop a positive foundation that they can build their own healthy habits on.
It may be hard for your teen to commit to implementing these basics and they may not feel like they will work for them. As a parent, one way you can get them on board is by connecting it to something they want or that is important to them.
Your teen may be experiencing stress or dealing with a challenging situation and ask you to be excused from responsibilities, school, etc. You can develop a plan with your teen to allow their request to be honored if they are willing to implement some of the basics. When you create this plan, it’s important to work together and to agree on specifics– what is included and how it will be implemented. This will allow them to feel involved and not like you are demanding that they try something.
Most teens have a hard time committing to things or trying things because they do not understand how it will benefit them. Connecting the desired behavior or action to something they want can provide the motivation for them to begin, and hopefully once they realize the benefits, they will continue the behavior or action because they truly see the importance of it–even if they don’t want to admit that to you.
Admitting that their parents are right is one of the hardest things for teens to do, so most of the time they don’t; and that’s okay! You don’t need for your teen to admit that you are right or that the advice you gave them was helpful. Unfortunately, you may never know if your teen came to the realization that you were right about something.
However, if you have been consistent in your message to your teen and have consistently modeled positive behaviors to them, then it’s very likely that at some point your teen will realize that you were right. But having them verbalize that you were right is not what will create the positive impact in their life; their experience of the benefits that come from taking care of the basics is what will benefit them for years to come.
If your teen experiences how the basics can support them both physically and emotionally, then they will take that with them into the world and it can never be taken away from them. But they have to realize and experience it on their own, you can’t do that for them. It takes seeing it modeled at home, trying it themselves and experiencing the positive results to truly invest into this using this approach when things get challenging in their life.
Looking for some extra support for your teen to prepare them for what lies ahead? We’d love to offer that support. Contact us HERE.
Our very own Anna Pirkl, MFT, ATR, LADAAC partnered with South Bay Families Connected and created this wonderful series of short videos to support you in staying motivated during distance learning. I know everyone can use some support in this area. I love how the …