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When a teenager is struggling, parents naturally want to help. So as a parent, you look for a therapist because you want someone who can reach their teen, help them work through challenges, and provide another perspective. But as a parent, don’t be surprised if …
Starting middle school or high school is a major milestone and a big transition. There is usually some excitement surrounding it but it can also feel anxiety producing, overwhelming, or uncertain about what comes next. There is usually a lot of change and it all …
When it’s time to go back to school, your teen might be excited about new opportunities and a fresh start. But it can also increase stress and anxiety if they tend to be a perfectionist.
On the outside a perfectionist teen typically appears highly motivated, responsible, and successful because they earn good grades, complete assignments on time, and seem to have everything under control. But really, internally, they might feel a lot of pressure to perform, never mess up and always exceed the expectations of others.
Starting a new school year can intensify all of those feelings. Let’s talk about why.
When a teen is labeled a “good student” it’s usually a positive thing. But it can turn into a negative, and create a lot of pressure, if they start to believe that they have to be perfect to maintain that status.
As a perfectionist, a teen might worry a lot about disappointing their teacher(s). If they are asked to make a simple correction on an assignment, they can feel like a failure; when it really should be looked at as an opportunity to learn.
Because they don’t want to let their teacher down, or change the perception that the teacher has of them, they might believe the teacher will think less of them if they don’t get everything right the first time.
Instead of feeling proud of their accomplishments, they tend to constantly worry about maintaining them.
“Perfectionism can sometimes look like ambition, but underneath it may be anxiety or fear of disappointing others.” (“Back-to-School Mental Health for Teens: Managing Anxiety, Stress, Sports Pressure and Social Expectations.” Advanced Telepsych, PLLC. August 18,2026. https://advancedtelepsych.org/posts/back-to-school-mental-health-for-teens-managing-anxiety-stress-sports-pressure-and-social-expectations/)
A new school year can feel like a clean slate. So it should be an opportunity to settle in, figure things out, learn and grow. But for someone who is a perfectionist, a clean slate can create a different kind of pressure, the pressure to start out perfect on the very first day so that’s the initial impression their teachers, and others have of them.
This could also apply in social situations, and they could feel like they have to make friends fast, and do everything according to a pre-determined plan they have established for themself.
If this is the case, the first day nerves that everyone feels, can be intensified and can quickly become overwhelming.
Mistakes are a part of life, but for a perfectionist teen, they may not see them as a normal part of learning.They may interpret them as evidence that they are not good enough.
Things like a grade that is lower than they expected, forgetting an assignment, or having an awkward social interaction, can feel much bigger than it actually is.
It’s about what the teen believes the mistake means about them, rather than the mistake itself.
When a new school year begins there is uncertainty, and uncertainty can be very difficult for perfectionistic teens because in order to be perfect, they need to know what’s ahead.
It takes time to learn what each teacher expects, what their teaching style is, and what their grading system and classroom rules are. A perfectionistic teen can spend a lot of mental energy trying to figure out exactly what each teacher wants.
As they try to figure out how the new teacher will be like, they can create anxiety before they have even had a chance to settle into the class.
The stress that comes along with going back to school isn’t limited to academics.
Worrying about where they fit in socially is typically a pretty big concern for teens. They think a lot about how they will be perceived, if they will make friends, their appearance, their involvement in extracurricular activities and/or sports, and how they will keep up with everything that they have to juggle.
For a perfectionist, they may feel like they have to succeed in every area all at once.
As a perfectionist, a teen may have trouble staying focused on the here and now, because in their mind they’ve already jumped ahead and are thinking about what is coming up later in the school year, and what could go wrong.
In order to be perfect, they like to be prepared for what’s to come and have a plan. But it also invites future worries into the picture.
This tendency to jump ahead can turn one small, doable task into overwhelming thoughts of what’s to come throughout the semester.
One unusual thing that happens with perfectionism is that it doesn’t always look like doing all the things…sometimes, perfectionism looks like doing nothing at all.
If there is a desperate desire to do something perfectly, a teen may put the task off because they are afraid they won’t do it well enough.
“Sometimes perfectionism shows up in sneaky ways procrastination, avoiding anything that might risk failure, or overpreparing until you’re burned out. You might see everyone else “handling it” effortlessly while feeling like you’re barely keeping up. That comparison is exhausting.” (“Alleviating Perfectionism in High-Achieving Teens and Young Adults” Davidson Institute. March 12, 2026. https://www.davidsongifted.org/gifted-blog/alleviating-perfectionism-in-high-achieving-teens-and-young-adults/)
They might spend excessive time researching, or simply avoid starting the assignment, because putting it off feels more comfortable than doing it and not doing a good job.
Eventually, they may become so frustrated that they just shut down altogether.
When expectations feel impossible, avoidance can become a coping mechanism.
They may pretend that they just don’t care about a particular task or assignment but they actually care a lot. If they are afraid they won’t do well on a test, they may avoid studying. Or they may put off a project because they don’t know how to make it “good enough.”
Someone on the outside looking in may see this behavior as a lack of motivation or concern, but it’s really just avoidance because they care so much they are overwhelmed.
This is where perfectionism can easily be misunderstood.
What looks like laziness is really something a lot deeper. If they don’t know how to do something perfectly, they simply might not know how to even start.
As a loved one it’s important to recognize the difference. A teen who is struggling with perfectionism might need support with managing expectations, breaking tasks into smaller steps, and learning that mistakes are not failures.
Try to show them that doing their best does not mean they have to be perfect. Yes, grades matter, but they don’t determine their worth. And grades are not all that matters. Learning from mistakes, being flexible, and knowing when to ask for help also matters.
A hard, yet very important lesson they need to learn is that it’s okay when they don’t get everything right, in school and in life.
As the new school year kicks off, look for ways you can support your teen if you feel like they are struggling with perfectionism. If you need guidance on how to be there for them, or you think they need professional support, contact us, we can help.
Applying to college is an exciting milestone for high school students, but it’s also very stressful. Comparing different schools, writing essays, submitting applications, and waiting for decisions, can be very overwhelming. College counselors are a great resource during this time because they are able to …
The school year is usually nonstop for teens. There is so much going on with school, extracurricular activities, sports, social events and more. So there may not be a lot of time to focus on emotional well-being. But summer is usually different. There are less …
So I wanted to take a minute to answer them in case you have that question too.
Like most things, the answer is “it depends”. But, I can tell you what factors come into play so you can get an idea for yourself and your own situation.
If you are coming to therapy because you are being proactive, you are probably not as concerned with this question.
One of the reasons you might start therapy proactively is to establish a working relationship with a therapist so you can get some support in looking at and improving some important aspects of your life. The other goal here is to have that relationship established and ready for when challenges do arise. You know this could be a long term relationship and it is an investment.
You might or might not go to therapy as frequently (I’ll talk about that next week), but it is an ongoing process to support your emotional and mental well being.
This is the same for children or adolescents. Sometimes parents will initiate therapy just to start a therapeutic relationship and get in some basic learning around emotional fluency and coping skills for their child or teen. Then their child or teen has a relationship with a therapist so they can access that relationship when developmental challenges come up around friend issues, academic stress, transition to adolescence or launching into adult life.
If you are starting therapy because there is a challenge coming up that you know really needs attention, I would expect at least six months.
The first part of therapy (4-6 weeks of weekly sessions), you are building trust with your therapist and your therapist is getting as full a picture as possible of what is going on. This cannot be skipped. Your therapist needs to know as much as possible to know how to best help you. AND you need to know that you trust your therapist. You are paying for their skill set that will support you in getting where you want to go. If you don’t have that trust, you will not be utilizing all they have to offer you.
From there, you are working on de-programming old beliefs, healing, developing insight into yourself, learning communication and coping skills and developing new habits and ways of dealing with things in your life that will support your growth so you can get through the challenge and be a better, healthier person.
I’ve seen people make it through challenges in as little as six months. Here’s the thing: these are people that are ready to take action on recommendations, who take notes either during session or right after to make sure they get as much as they can out of the time, who are willing to be open to reflections and humble to hard questions. They do the work in and outside of session. It’s the willingness that makes their sessions super effective (read more about that here).
Sometimes, when people make it through a challenge, they like to stay in therapy because they see how much they are able to get out of that support. The frequency of sessions might change over time depending on what is going on. Sometimes people will stop sessions due to the main goal for therapy being met and then they will just come back the next time something comes up. But the effort they put in not only helps them grow through their challenge, it builds their confidence in knowing that they can take on challenges successfully.
The same goes for older school age kids and adolescent clients: being open to and wanting to go to therapy makes a big difference in the process. See these posts here and here about kids and teens who are resistant to therapy.
If you are dealing with a crisis, meaning you are concerned about your own safety and daily functioning or your child’s, there are two distinct parts of your treatment. The first is stabilizing, the second is addressing the underlying dynamics and issues that brought things to a head.
People cannot sustain a crisis level situation for very long, but the work to address what created the crisis can take some time to unravel. There is a lot of variability in situations like this. Especially given that people can go in and out of a crisis state until they stabilize. The best thing to do is buckle up and be receptive to your therapist’s and your team’s (you might have a psychiatrist or multiple therapists working with different members of your family or school therapists working together) recommendations. That will be your fastest way through.
How much stress you have going on in your life does factor in to how long it will take to reach your goals in therapy.
If you have a number of stressors that take away from you being able to dedicate attention to your work in therapy, it might mean that you will need a little bit more time in therapy. That is not a bad thing.
If you have a high level of stress, therapy will address that so you can work to bring things to a more manageable level. This is a good thing for your overall health and well being.
If it is your child or teen who is in therapy, you want to take life circumstances into consideration: do they have a school transition (going to middle school or high school) or family transition (divorce, remarriage, move) going on? Is there a person in the family who is ill? Are there some difficult sibling dynamics? These things may add to the time it takes to make progress toward goals.
Do people in your life support you going to therapy? Are there people in your life you can share with about your experiences in therapy who can reinforce the work you are doing?
This can just be someone who asks “what did your therapist say about that” to help you bring back the perspective and guidance you received. Or this person might just be a great listener and someone who is safe to talk to in between sessions while you are working through your stuff. That kind of support helps your progress in therapy.
If your child is in therapy, if you are participating in sessions and help implement the skills your child is learning in daily life, that makes a HUGE difference.
I first had the opportunity of interacting with Leah Niehaus, LCSW when she invited One Heart Counseling Center to share about mindfulness, emotional awareness, and facilitate an art therapy activity at one of her daughter’s National Charity League (NCL) monthly meetings. Leah informed us that …