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Teenage girls can quietly carry a persistent self-criticism that others can’t see from the outside. They may appear to have it all together, but internally they question their worth, don’t acknowledge their strengths, and assume they are falling short.
Because this struggle is mostly internal, it is usually missed or misunderstood. So let’s talk about what is happening and how to recognize it.
Many teen girls appear confident, high-achieving, and emotionally “fine” on the outside, while internally they carry intense self-criticism, shame, and fear of not being good enough. They tend to mask their distress through perfectionism and people-pleasing, and they learn to hide their struggles to meet expectations and avoid judgment. They can become really good at hiding how they really feel and what is really going on inside.
In therapy, we hear things like:
I’m happy I did well, but I got lucky.
This boy smiled at me, but I don’t know what he sees in me.
I think my friends don’t like me.
I have no friends.
These kinds of thoughts are very common among teen girls, because most grow up in environments that reward being agreeable, successful, and “put together,” understandably. But what sometimes happens is that there’s little space to express doubt, anger, or insecurity.
High expectations from parents, peers, social media, and culture become the focus and they start to measure their worth through things like performance, appearance, and approval. Over time, this can turn into their internal voice that minimizes their strengths and assumes rejection before it happens. So self-criticism may feel safer or more familiar than self-trust.
But just because this pattern is normal, that doesn’t mean it should be ignored. If it goes on for an extended period of time, it can erode confidence, relationships, and emotional well-being. So it’s important that it is noticed and addressed, in a gentle, positive way.
“By separating personal achievements and standards from self-worth, it is possible to prevent negative emotional outcomes like adolescent identity struggles. Embracing their unconditional self-worth promotes an identity outside of achievements, beauty, skill, and approval.”
(Burkhart, Meagan. “Harsh Self-Criticism in Teens: What to Do About It.” Mission Prep Healthcare. November 23, 2025. https://missionprephealthcare.com/mental-health-resources/emotional-behavioral-symptoms/self-criticism/)
This is part of development. For many teenage girls, their behaviors are a result of a fragile self-trust not a result of wanting attention. As they are still forming their identity, they often doubt their own perceptions, feelings, and worth. When there is a strong fear of being rejected or misunderstood, it can feel safer to question themselves than to risk believing something positive and being wrong.
Making light of their achievements, second-guessing relationships, or assuming others don’t like them are ways of protecting against disappointment, not ways of seeking attention. This self-doubt shows how much they are still learning to trust their own inner voice in a world that often sends mixed or critical messages about who they should be.
Common behaviors parents notice are:
These behaviors are often misunderstood as laziness, defiance, or attitude, but they frequently are just what shows up on the surface, when there is self-doubt and fear of failure under the surface. When a teen doesn’t trust herself to cope, succeed, or be “good enough,” frustration, avoidance, and shutdown can feel safer than trying and risking disappointment or criticism.
When parents respond with a quick reassurance like, “You’re great! Why would you think that?” it’s usually well-intentioned, but it can unintentionally dismiss the teen’s internal experience.
“Mindfully noticing self criticism and its effects means stopping to notice the thoughts we are having and acknowledging the pain and sadness which it brings. In other words, it is labeling specifically what is happening in our minds rather than just being lost in the experience itself.”…“We can help our young people to do this too.”
Teens need curiosity and validation before encouragement because feeling understood helps calm the nervous system and builds trust. If an adult first shows interest by asking questions like “Tell me more about what made you feel that way” it helps show them that they want to learn about what they are feeling and why they feel that way. Responding by expressing understanding by saying something like, “That sounds really heavy”, can validate their emotions instead of dismissing them. This can help the teen feel safer and more grounded.
Once they feel validated, encouragement can be received in a meaningful way. It’s helpful to build a foundation so that reassurance does not just feel like pressure to “feel better” which can reinforce self-doubt instead of reducing it.
Therapy is helpful because it provides a safe, consistent space for teens to understand themselves rather than judge themselves. Instead of trying to “fix” thoughts right away, therapy focuses on building self-trust and emotional safety first.
Therapy helps with:
Over time, therapy helps teen girls replace their self-criticism with compassion for themselves. They can learn to trust in themselves and develop a positive inner voice.
Anger, resistance, and anxiety are often treated as the problem, but for many teen girls they are signals that point to what’s happening beneath the surface. These behaviors are indicators that they don’t trust themself or are afraid of failing. Strong emotions can be protective strategies rather than defiance.
It’s helpful to look beneath the behavior to self-belief. Gently reflect what you notice: “I wonder if part of this feels like too much pressure”. Before trying to help them solve their problems, acknowledge what they are feeling and validate those feelings.
When parents shift from thinking about how to stop a behavior to thinking about what the behavior reveals about how their teen sees herself, they can start to help them build their self-trust. Over time, feeling understood helps teens replace self-doubt and criticism with confidence.
Teen girls navigate intense academic, social, and cultural pressures while their sense of identity is still forming, leading to harsh self-criticism. Without strong self-trust, they learn to scan for mistakes and flaws as a way to prevent failure or rejection. This is common but if it is having a significant impact on their quality of life it should not be ignored. If your teen is struggling and you need help, contact us, we can help.
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As a parent, you might notice a lot more irritability, defiance, or meltdowns with your tween, which can be really disruptive. In dealing with that disruption, and everything that triggers for everyone else in your house, it’s hard to remember that those mood swings and that attitude might actually be masking anxiety, depression, or emotional overload for your tween. Let’s break this down.
Between the ages of 9–14 there is a shift toward more independence and peer influence. This can lead to lots of emotions and fluctuating self-esteem since it’s part of forming a sense of identity. In addition to these emotions, kids this age are also experiencing puberty which involves physical changes.
It’s a challenging process for them when their brains are developing the skills they need for emotional regulation. Learning things like how to understand their emotions and the consequences of their actions can be hard, and it’s also happening at a time while they are developing a sense of empathy and a moral compass.
Why Tweens Have Bigger Feelings
Tweens really do feel things more intensely. They can’t help it, it is a biological and psychological response to what is happening in their development.
The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain that handles logic, impulse control, and long-term thinking. The limbic system is the part of the brain that drives emotion, motivation, and reward. The limbic system develops faster than the prefrontal cortex, and because it develops faster, tweens/teens feel big emotions before they’ve figured out how to manage them. They don’t even understand them yet and that’s scary and intense.
Puberty also plays a part because the body, and the brain, is flooded with hormones and that’s new, uncharted territory for kids. These hormones can trigger mood swings, increased sensitivity and intensify stress responses. Every feeling and situation can feel like it is magnified.
“A young person may also be sensitive about how they look and their new body changes. Privacy and personal space may become very important to them. They may alternate between feeling self-conscious about themselves one day, to feeling ‘bullet proof’ the next.” (‘Parenting children through puberty and adolescence.’ Better Health Channel. February 24, 2022. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/healthyliving/Parenting-children-through-puberty)
Tweens are also trying to figure out who they are and how they fit in. Social acceptance becomes important and even slight failures can have a negative impact on self-esteem and feeling like they belong.
It’s hard for the body to tell the difference between fear and anger. When a person becomes anxious, the body will release adrenaline and cortisol because it is preparing for a threat. This can cause the heart to race, energy to increase and muscles to tense. This is also what happens when a person gets angry.
A tween will become anxious and the body will start to react with these symptoms, however, they may not realize it’s anxiety they are feeling. Or they don’t know how to express what they are feeling, so it may just come out as irritability or defiance.
“Acting out can be a symptom of anxiety in a child because some anxious children feel an overwhelming need to get out of a situation that’s making them anxious. Their behavior may look like anger or defiance, lashing out, throwing tantrums, seeming distracted, moving around a lot, or arguing with others.” (Miller, Caroline. “How Anxiety Leads to Problem Behavior.” Child Mind Institute. February 4, 2025. https://childmind.org/article/how-anxiety-leads-to-disruptive-behavior/)
The survival responses of fight, flight or freeze are activated during moments of anxiety and if your child responds with the “fight” response you may think they are angry. But really, beneath that outward angry response you are seeing, there may be fear or overwhelm.
The emotional stage that tweens are in is new and different for them. They still have child-like thinking and coping skills, but they are becoming a teen who feels very deeply. The emotional overload they are experiencing can trigger outbursts or shutdowns and it’s hard to know how to react as a parent.
Remaining calm and steady can be very helpful to your kid. This can help re-regulate their nervous system faster. Remember they are flooded with emotions and their brains don’t know how to handle it, so it’s best not to match their negative thinking or energy.
In these emotionally charged moments, they don’t understand what they are feeling or why they are feeling it, so it’s helpful to normalize and name their emotions. Help them learn emotional maturity like we discussed in a previous blog here. Naming and normalizing emotions can help them feel less intense.
Also, validating before teaching goes a long way. Teaching your child coping skills is important but first you want to make sure they feel understood and they know that their feelings and emotions are valid. When they are calm and open to it, introduce coping skills like deep breathing, journaling and exercise.
The emotional overwhelm that your tween is experiencing may be best addressed with therapy. Therapy provides a safe space for them to identify feelings and help them develop positive coping skills. Therapists can use guided exercises to help them manage stress and regulate their responses to overwhelming emotions. Also, it helps that the therapist isn’t a family member, they don’t have any alliance or agenda except your tweens emotional and mental health.
Adolescence is a time of identity exploration, and sometimes it’s hard to open up completely with a parent about their feelings or experiences. Therapy offers a non-judgmental space where they can build confidence and a stronger sense of self with a neutral adult. They can process difficult emotions and experiences and this can help build resilience.
A trained therapist can help them understand the connection between their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, to help break cycles of negative thinking.
Even though we have all been there when we were an adolescent, understanding emotional overloading in tweens can be hard as a parent. What they need most is calm connections and time for their body to reset. If you need help navigating this stage with your child, contact us, we can help.
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You’ve just come home from the hospital with your new baby and you’re sleep deprived, not knowing which way is up and which way is down, if it’s day or night, if you’ve eaten or not eaten. Those first few days, weeks, and months even can be one of life’s biggest adjustments and changes.
Even with extensive support from friends and family, as new parents, it can be difficult to find your own rhythm and decide what works best for your and your family. In an age of mommy blogs, online support groups and chat rooms, you have a myriad of options to finding support and answers when you’re questioning what to do in this new phase of life. The amount of information out there however can be too much at times and not specific or personal to your specific needs or questions.
In contrast, you may find if you lack a circle of support from friends or family, the experience of becoming a new parent can be overwhelming in its isolation.
Here’s where thinking outside the box and considering in-home mental health support may be beneficial specifically for this phase of life.
One of the most significant advantages of in-home therapy is its convenience. New parents often have tight schedules and may struggle to find time for traditional therapy sessions in an office. Offices also may not be accommodating to the physical limitations that happen specifically in the first 6 weeks postpartum.
In-home therapy eliminates the need to travel, allowing you to access support in the comfort of your own home. This flexibility can be particularly beneficial if you’re also dealing with unpredictable sleep/wake schedules and the demands of caring for a newborn. If your baby wakes early or doesn’t go to sleep as planned, your therapist can be there with you and support you through that struggle.
Similarly this allows for feedings to take place during sessions as needed and for you to receive emotional support through feeding challenges if there are any. Parents and infants will feel more comfortable in their own home environment and it can ease some of the anxiety about being vulnerable and addressing concerns and challenges as a new parent.
Virtual sessions also offer the ease and convenience of not having to leave your home. This is a valuable and preferred method for many parents in a post pandemic world and can offer many of these same benefits of in-home therapy.
In-home therapists can offer guidance that is specifically tailored to your unique situation. Whether you’re dealing with postpartum depression, anxiety, relationship adjustments, or challenges establishing routines, an in-home therapist can provide strategies relevant to your particular needs and circumstances because they’re there getting the full picture.
A therapist visiting your home has the advantage of observing your family dynamics in the context where they unfold. For example if the baby starts crying mid-session, the therapist can support you with your approach to soothing or reducing any anxiety or stress you may experience in that moment by offering practical advice or validation. They can offer recommendations on everything from optimizing sleep routines to managing household stress, all based on real-life observations.
In-home therapists can often approach things more holistically. Meaning the therapists are considering not just your individual concerns, but how they fit into the broader family picture. The therapist can join you individually or as a couple or even with extended broader family members to creatively address and support adjustment so that there is better balance and support. This approach can help improve family harmony and how you all work towards adjusting to the new rhythm an infant brings to the family.
In-home therapy offers new parents a personalized, convenient, and holistic approach to navigating the complexities of parenthood. There are so many developmental and emotional milestones in those first few months not just for the new infant, but for parents too!
Having an in-home therapist, especially while parents may be on paternal leave from work or if they may be struggling with postpartum depression or anxiety can be incredibly transformative in the parenting experience. Investing in this support can help new parents build confidence, manage stress, and create a nurturing environment for both themselves and their newborn in the most crucial moments.
Our in house perinatal specialist Chelsea Derossi, MFT, ATR is a Certified Perinatal Mental Health Counselor. Please contact us and we’ll get you in touch with Chelsea to see if it’s a good fit and how she can best support you.
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