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Most people have heard of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) but a lot of people have never heard of Complex PTSD. The type and length of the trauma is generally what differentiates them. Let’s discuss some more specifics about what makes them different. With both …
School has started back up and despite this being the same old routine, you still find yourself frustrated and upset with the morning routine… Where are your kid’s shoes? Where is their homework? Why are you feeling rushed and irritated yet again? Is your …
Before becoming a parent you may think you know what type of parent you will be and how you will handle the ups and down that come along with this very important role. But you may quickly realize as a new parent that regulating your own emotions can sometimes be more of a challenge than helping your child regulate theirs. It will be necessary to do some inner work because the work you do on yourself around your parenting will be the most valuable investment you make in your kids. Let’s talk about some of the work you can do.
It’s inevitable, your child will trigger you, and that’s okay. There are lots of behaviors that your child can exhibit that are triggering to you like a tantrum or meltdown, a disrespectful tone of voice, ignoring you, etc. Noticing or acknowledging that you are triggered is the starting point, then you can move into how you can address it.
When you are triggered you will probably feel yourself start to get tense, your heart rate may increase, and you might make snap judgements and/or decisions. Once you recognize these signs, take a minute to regulate your emotions and nervous system – attend to the trigger before you address the behavior.
Jessica Milburn from responsive_parenting shares, “… in order to meet my child’s needs. In order to really hear what they are trying to say, I need to respond to my trigger first. Or else, they will not get what they need from me and I very likely will escalate the situation instead, despite every effort to appear calm.”
If you are aware of your triggers and conscious of how you typically react when you are triggered, you can manage them and make better choices when you are in the moment with your child.
Adults understand that children usually act out because they do not know how to manage their emotions; they have these big feelings and instead of calmly sharing them with you they are more likely to throw a tantrum. But as an adult, you may also struggle to manage your emotions in a positive way. You probably don’t throw tantrums but you may lash out in anger at your kids, use guilt or shame to control them or invalidate their feelings.
If positive ways to cope with emotions were not modeled to you growing up you might not know another way. These habits may not have had an impact on others before becoming a parent but once you are one, they could definitely have a negative impact on your kids.
If you have younger children, they are not immune to the effect of your emotions. They are often unable to verbalize their negative feelings so they display them by acting out.
(Ellis, Gena. “How a Parent’s Emotions Can Affect Their Child.” First Things First. September 24, 2020, firstthings.org/how-a-parents-emotions-can-affect-their-child/)
In order to pass on healthy coping techniques to your kids and teach them how to positively manage their emotions, you have to learn how to practice it yourself.
Show your kids that having lots of different emotions is normal and it’s okay. They need to know that it’s how they respond to those feelings and emotions that matters. If they see you respond in positive ways to your own emotions they will learn from you. They are always watching.
Teaching them emotional maturity when they are young can be very helpful to them as adults. We discussed how to instill emotional maturity in your kids in a previous post, read it here.
Successful CEOs got to where they are through continually developing themselves. They didn’t wake up with all the knowledge and skills they needed to do what they do, they had to continually invest in themselves and their personal development. It’s the same with parenting. You won’t ever be perfect (and you don’t need to be!) but you can do some things to develop on a personal level that will help you navigate your role as a parent.
You may feel selfish if you take time for yourself but it’s actually a sign of loving your child and wanting what’s best for them. If you burn out you will not be able to give your child what they need. Burn out as a parent? Yes, our parenting expert, Chelsea Derossi, MFT, ATR wrote about 6 Ways to Cope with Parental Burnout here. Whether it is listening to a parenting podcast or treating yourself to a massage or other special treat, your parenting will always benefit from that time of personal development or self-care.
You are going to make mistakes as a parent and in lots of ways you are growing up right along with your kids. You are not alone in your struggles, every parent experiences highs and lows and questions if they are a good parent. If you take the time to invest in yourself and commit to working on yourself, you will be able to get the job done. If you need more help or parenting advice, contact us.
There’s a lot of advice about not bottling up your emotions, being vulnerable and telling people how you feel. But when does this cross the line into emotional dumping? Here are 3 signs of emotional dumping and what to do instead: 1 – Talking about …
Holidays can be a fun time, but they can also be stressful, not just for you, but for your kids! Let’s talk about some ways you can support your kids during the holidays so that the stress is not overwhelming to them or you. Communicate …
Do you have trouble saying no? Do you constantly worry what people think about you and you find yourself apologizing frequently? Do you avoid confrontation and feel responsible for other people’s feelings? If you struggle with any of these things then you may be a people pleaser.
Let’s get to the bottom of what it is and why you do it.
Merriam Webster defines a people pleaser as a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.
It’s common for people to want others to like them and to desire to make others happy, however, people pleasing behavior takes this to the extreme.
“A desire to please people can manifest in many ways. A person may find it hard to say no to requests, regularly take on extra work, even if they do not have the time, often over commit to plans, responsibilities, or projects, or avoid advocating for their own needs, such as by saying they are fine when they are not.” (Villines, Zawn. “People pleaser: What it means and how to stop”. Medical News Today. March 1, 2023. www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/people-pleaser#signs.)
People pleasers put the needs of others above their own to the point that they can become depressed and resentful.
Maybe you grew up in a culture that elevates selflessness and shames those who do things for their own enjoyment or to make themselves happy. If you grew up thinking other people always come first and you are not important, then naturally you will be conditioned to people please as an adult.
If you experienced relationship issues within your family where your parents’ love and affection was conditional, then you grew up thinking it’s normal to have to “earn” love. This can lead to becoming a people pleaser because the behavior modeled for you as a child was that love is only given when you do something for someone else.
Low self-esteem can also lead to people pleasing. If you feel like you are worth less than other people then you may not speak up for yourself and show concern for yourself. You may feel like helping others gives you purpose. If helping others makes you feel important it can be an emotional boost that you start to depend on to feel good about yourself.
People pleasing can have negative effects on you and others around you. If you are constantly trying to please others then you are probably not taking care of your own needs. This can lead to stress, anxiety or even medical issues.
If you are constantly trying to keep up and make sure others like you and are getting their needs met, you will eventually become physically, mentally and/or emotionally exhausted. It just becomes too much to handle and you will not have the energy you need to take care of your personal needs or stay focused at work or other activities.
Another way it works against you is by creating relationship problems. You may become resentful of people close to you because you feel like you are contributing more to the relationship, even though you are doing it on your own, not because they have asked you to.
An important first step to reduce your people pleasing behaviors is to take a look at where these behaviors came from and how they have been linked you surviving in the world.
It’s important to know that this is a strategy that has worked and makes sense, but you’re ready to move beyond it so your relationships with yourself and others can be healthier.
It will take practice to rewire these patterns. Start just noticing where you overextend yourself for others. Watch it happen, then you can consider afterward: how could I have responded differently or handle it differently. Start to build awareness and open up possibilities as to different ways you can respond that would honor you and the person you’re relating to.
Then take a chance and try it. Sometimes responding to someone via email or text to test out new ways of responding is helpful because it gives you a minute to think and gather your courage.
See what comes up: do you sweat? get nervous about what the other person will say? Do you worry they won’t be happy with you? Breathe with those worries and remind yourself you are safe. Tiny steps.
If you know that you do this, but you just don’t know how to stop, contact us, we can help!
It’s super common for parents of teens to come to a session saying that they want their kids to stop being on their phone so much or stop treating home like a hotel. It’s a hard transition when teens start to put so much of …
I’m sure you’ve had the experience in your life of wishing someone would change. It can bring up a lot of anger and conflict. Maybe you’ve even felt powerless to change things for yourself. There are lots of reasons people don’t change. Let’s talk about …
It’s only recently that emotional maturity has been the focus of attention and this is great news. Emotional immaturity has been the cause of so much distress in our lives and relationships and now we are learning to do better.
The operative word is learning!
Check out some of the indicators of emotional maturity and emotional immaturity to see where there could be emotional immaturity sneaking around causing some underlying stress.
“Emotional maturity means having the self-control to manage your emotions and work to understand them.” (Eatough, Erin. “Connect with your emotions: how to improve emotional maturity”. betterup.com. November, 25, 2022. www.betterup.com/blog/how-to-be-emotionally-mature)
If someone is emotionally mature then they recognize that feelings and emotions are important and nothing to be ashamed of or ignore; and they don’t think it makes them a weak person to acknowledge this.
For most people this doesn’t come naturally and it takes some work to get to a point where this perspective is the norm. It can be a process, and that’s okay. This is common for most self-improvement journeys and with age and experience it can become a little easier, but anyone at any age can take steps towards, and be successful at, becoming more emotionally mature if they put in the effort.
“Emotional immaturity is a person’s inability to express or cope with emotions that are serious in nature. People who are emotionally immature may also overreact to situations or have trouble controlling their emotions.” (Bottaro, Angelica. “Warning Signs of Emotional Immaturity”. verwellhealth.com. March, 25, 2022. www.verywellhealth.com/emotional-immaturity-warning-signs)
People who are emotionally immature usually have trouble connecting with others. It will present in a variety of ways such as how they think, their behaviors and the way they communicate with others.
They may go from 0-100 on an emotional scale very quickly. If things don’t go their way they may react impulsively and end up saying or doing something hurtful. Or they may hide their emotions because they struggle to express them altogether.
Developing emotional maturity will have a positive effect on you in your everyday life, here’s how you will see it show up:
(www.verywellhealth.com/emotional-immaturity-warning-signs)
Dr. Nicole LePera (@the.holistic.psychologist) shares some steps on how to become more emotionally mature and she emphasizes that people can develop emotional maturity at any age. Here are a few:
When it comes to emotional maturity a lot of it centers around being comfortable with and secure with yourself. This can take time so you shouldn’t expect it to happen overnight.
It also means taking responsibility for your thoughts, behaviors and actions, learning and growing through them and committing to moving towards a more growth oriented outlook.
If you find yourself getting easily upset, overly angry, or lashing out at others when things don’t go your way or you are disappointed, then it might be time to focus on taking your emotional maturity to the next level. It will take time but with intentional practice you can move into a more constructive, mature place with your emotions.
Throughout your life you will connect with people you encounter at school, work, and in your personal life. As you develop relationships with different people you will need to utilize a variety of skills to maintain positive, healthy relationships that make life more enjoyable. In …