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School has started back up and despite this being the same old routine, you still find yourself frustrated and upset with the morning routine… Where are your kid’s shoes? Where is their homework? Why are you feeling rushed and irritated yet again? Is your …
Before becoming a parent you may think you know what type of parent you will be and how you will handle the ups and down that come along with this very important role. But you may quickly realize as a new parent that regulating your …
There’s a lot of advice about not bottling up your emotions, being vulnerable and telling people how you feel. But when does this cross the line into emotional dumping?
Rehashing something over and over is an indication that you don’t really want to deal with it, you just want to talk about it. Don’t get me wrong, talking about it is good, but the missing piece sometimes can be a be committed to addressing the issue so you can grow through it.
Make a point to talk through the issue and work towards a solution and then let it be complete for now. Commit to taking action and then if you need to revisit it, go for it. But if you find yourself going in circles, and back to something you have already communicated or worked through, ask yourself what is the benefit?
Usually this is because you are flooded with emotion. In a previous post HERE, we explained that feeling your emotions is important so that you can receive its message and metabolize or process it. But if you begin to feel overwhelmed, or flooded with your emotions, you may need to back away and process it in chunks.
Are you starting to dissociate, feel dizzy, get riled up? Your brain is sending signals to your body and it’s important to listen. If any of that is happening, pause and tell the person you’re talking to that you need to take a few breaths because you’re getting worked up; or tell them that you need to change topics and you’ll talk about it again when it feels more productive.
If you find yourself not being able to talk about something without feeling a lot of intense emotions, this is a great time to reach out for support. One of our therapists can help you find regulation as you work through the intense emotion.
If you are the only one doing the talking, that’s not communication. This makes people feel more like you are talking AT them instead of WITH them.
Sometimes you might need to vent and that’s OK. But if you do, tell the person you’re talking to: “hey, I need to just vent this out and some of what I say might be intense or not where I’m gonna land on this, but I just need to burn through it. Do you have space for that right now?”
The person you reach out to might be in a moment themselves, they might be trying to get somewhere, do work or be exhausted. Give them a chance to let you know if they have the bandwidth at that moment to be that listening ear you are needing.
If you do this, you will get better support and your relationships will be better in the long run. Otherwise you’re gonna start wondering why your calls always go to voicemail.
When you’re done venting and if you feel like you’d like some reflections. Say: “Okay, I think I made it through the emotion, what am I not seeing? Do you have any perspectives on this? How can I grow through this?”
Emotionally dumping doesn’t actually solve anything, it just taxes you and your relationships. If you don’t want a solution and don’t want feedback and want to keep being upset about something that happened, it’s OK, that happens sometimes. But get curious about that. It’s impacting your mental and emotional well being. It might be a time to invest in support so you can complete those emotions and move forward.
Holidays can be a fun time, but they can also be stressful, not just for you, but for your kids! Let’s talk about some ways you can support your kids during the holidays so that the stress is not overwhelming to them or you. Communicate …
Do you have trouble saying no? Do you constantly worry what people think about you and you find yourself apologizing frequently? Do you avoid confrontation and feel responsible for other people’s feelings? If you struggle with any of these things then you may be a …
It’s super common for parents of teens to come to a session saying that they want their kids to stop being on their phone so much or stop treating home like a hotel.
It’s a hard transition when teens start to put so much of their focus on their friends. It seems disrespectful, seems like it demonstrates being ungrateful and it makes sense given that there are other behaviors that show up that feel disrespectful and ungrateful.
Let’s look at this from a developmental perspective.
In order to become a well-adjusted adult, there are development tasks that must be accomplished during adolescence. How fast each stage is accomplished and how smooth the process is varies for each individual.
Three important ones are independence, physical development/body image and identity formation.
It’s common for adolescents to start to pull away from their family and want to do their own thing. “Early adolescents crave privacy and desire to control their personal information as they carve out a life separate from that of their parents.”
(“Psychosocial Development”. UTMB Health.www.utmb.edu/pedi_ed/CoreV2/Adolescent/Adolescent5.html).
Although this is a good thing and is necessary for their development, it’s a little scary for parents to give them the freedom they desire. Developing independence can include trying new things, making their own decisions and taking on more responsibility. During this time they will need space and privacy to learn how to be independent, however, there will need to be some boundaries in place to keep them safe.
As adolescents begin to physically develop they have to adjust to how their body is changing and this is when body image comes into play. The desire to be “normal” is very common which means adolescents typically compare themselves to other adolescents. “Physical changes may not occur in a smooth, regular schedule. Therefore, adolescents may go through awkward stages, both in their appearance and physical coordination.” (“Adolescent Development”. Medline Plus. https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/002003.htm).
These changes can cause adolescents to become self-conscious and/or sensitive which can cause them to pull away from their parents.
During adolescence, individuals will “try out” different appearances and behaviors to see which one feels like them. But it goes beyond the behaviors and appearances; they are forming their own values, thoughts and opinions, which all play a role in forming their identity.
“Young people’s identities are shaped by lots of factors — family, cultural and societal expectations, experiences with institutions like school and the media, and friends.” (Williams, Joanna. “Developing Adolescent Identify”. Center for Parent and Teen Communication. September 4, 2018.https://parentandteen.com/developing-adolescent-identity/).
There is a shift at some point during these years that prompts teens to start thinking about who they are and who they want to be. As they start to learn who they are, separate from their parents and family, they start to gain a true sense of self and begin to feel comfortable asserting their identity. (Fraser-Thrill, Rebecca. “What is Individuation?”. Very Well Mind. October 7, 2021. www.verywellmind.com/individuation)
As adolescents start to pull away from their parents, they gravitate towards friends for support and guidance. “Friendships are incredibly important during adolescence. Teen friendships help young people feel a sense of acceptance and belonging. They support the development of compassion, caring, and empathy.” (“The Importance of Teen Friendships”. Newport Academy. June 13, 2022. www.newportacademy.com/resources/empowering-teens/teen-friendships/.)
It’s natural for teens to choose time with friends over time with parents. When they spend time with friends they feel less stress because they are going through the same things and their friends understand them. Having this supportive outlet helps them deal with any challenging feelings that come with the big developmental tasks, helping them to feel less alone.
FIRST: When you put limits on time with friends, consider where that limit is coming from. Is it based on your needs or theirs? If it’s based on your needs then think about what need is being met for your adolescent by spending time with friends. This can help you see how it is actually a positive way you can support them.
SECOND: Have limits that are enforceable and sustainable. If the limit is not easy to enforce or uphold, then the lines can get blurry and the boundaries aren’t clear. This can be confusing for your teen.
Give a short, but well thought out reason behind the limit, something your teen can respect even if they don’t like it. As they are maturing and understanding things on a more adult level, it will make more sense to them if they know the reason and you have been up front about it.
Trying to control your teen and come between them and their friends will only push them further away. Acknowledging that their friends are important and encouraging them to develop and nurture their friendships will let them know that you support them.
I’m sure you’ve had the experience in your life of wishing someone would change. It can bring up a lot of anger and conflict. Maybe you’ve even felt powerless to change things for yourself. There are lots of reasons people don’t change. Let’s talk about …
It’s only recently that emotional maturity has been the focus of attention and this is great news. Emotional immaturity has been the cause of so much distress in our lives and relationships and now we are learning to do better. The operative word is learning! …
Throughout your life you will connect with people you encounter at school, work, and in your personal life. As you develop relationships with different people you will need to utilize a variety of skills to maintain positive, healthy relationships that make life more enjoyable.
In the age of blocking + ghosting, there is one skill that is not getting the attention it deserves: Repair.
Repair is a set of skills required to repair a relationship after a rupture, which is a challenging moment, exchange or experience that creates a disconnection in the relationship. Usually, there are a lot of emotions with this and there is not enough teaching around how to work things out with people you love.
Relationships will experience ups and downs; you will mess up and people you are in a relationship with will mess up too, because we are all human. It’s important to learn through those moments and repair.
Sometimes walking away and just cutting the person off seems like the easiest option but the loss of the relationship can be just as hurtful as the incident that occurred to fracture the relationship. “Healthy repair isn’t about accuracy, explaining, rebuttal, or even about you. It’s about maintaining the connection in the relationship.” (Schwegman, Kristi. “How to Make Repairs in Your Relationships”. Holistic Wellness Practice. September 16, 2021. www.holisticwellnesspractice.com/hwp-blog/2021/09/16/how-to-fix-a-broken-relationship)
There is a lot of information out there about red flags and toxic traits. The truth is, every person has red flag behavior and toxic traits sometimes. If you notice red flags, take the time to assess what they are and how to deal with them.
Be honest with yourself about what the relationship means to you and the pros and cons of maintaining it. Most of the time, the negative behavior is temporary, the person doesn’t live there so ending the relationship is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Repairing a relationship does not mean you just say sorry and move on. It’s important to implement repair strategies that work for you and the other person you are in a relationship with. Let’s talk about some do’s and don’ts.
Don’t pretend it didn’t happen – If you just totally ignore the fact that a problem exists or a behavior/incident occurred then it will just continue to show back up again and again.
Don’t continue to punish the other guy – Using the silent treatment as a punishment is just a way to continue the argument and not let it go which is the opposite of trying to repair. Other ways of “punishing’ the other person can include making comments about past mistakes or reminding them of things they said or did; none of these are helpful if you are trying to repair the relationship.
Don’t fail to apologize. “Apologizing is not about saying that the other person is right, i.e., you’re wrong and she wins the argument, but simply about acknowledging that you hurt the other’s feelings. Apologies are simply about taking responsibility for your side of the argument.” (Taibbi, Robert. ‘After an Argument: The Right Way to Make up”. Psychology Today. June 6, 2018. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201806/after-argument-the-right-way-make)
Do take time to cool off – Take some time to calm down and rationally think about things before you try to talk about it. Also, give the other person time to calm down before you try to talk to them.
Do apologize – Saying sorry is just a small part of apologizing, it’s also important to talk about what happened and address the underlying problem so it doesn’t continue to happen.
Do identify any deeper issues – “Be curious: Dig down, look for the larger pattern that makes the argument merely the tip of the iceberg, then have a conversation about the bigger stuff.” (Taibbi, Robert. ‘After an Argument: The Right Way to Make up”. Psychology Today. June 6, 2018. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201806/after-argument-the-right-way-make)
“No matter what strategies you choose, it is absolutely critical that you master the art of making and receiving repair attempts.” (https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/) Learning to repair effectively is key to maintaining healthy relationships.
The repair checklist is a tool developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman that includes phrases you can use when conversations escalate. Check out the list HERE.
A rupture in a relationship can actually be a chance to make it stronger. All relationships will have problems, it’s how we work through those problems that is most important.
Although there are situations when ending a relationship is necessary, you owe it to yourself to assess the problem and attempt to repair it if at all possible.
It’s a big decision and investment to start therapy. So we want to give you a little information on what to expect so that you can go in with awareness and clarity. The first 6 sessions The first part of therapy is getting the …