When it comes to eating disorders, secrecy typically plays a big role. But what leads to the secrecy and why is it so central for individuals who struggle in this area? Let’s talk about it.
Why Secrecy Is So Common
An eating disorder is not just about food and weight, it’s a way to cope with overwhelming emotions and a need for control. In order to continue using this way of coping, the behaviors have to be hidden. So the secrecy helps it survive.
Eating disorders rely on privacy. When no one sees the food intake, it’s easier to restrict it. Having rules around food can be followed if no one knows and does not challenge them.
Purging needs to be done when no one is around or will notice, and exercise may also happen in secret because if it becomes compulsive, it will throw up red flags.
“You may have noticed a change in the way someone close to you behaves and relates to other people, such as withdrawing from friends, relationships or avoiding social contact all together.” (“Recognising an Eating Disorder.” NHS Lothian. https://services.nhslothian.scot/seeds/recognising-an-eating-disorder/)
Secrecy is a symptom of the disorder and a reflection of the pain the person is experiencing. The first step to recovery is typically not stopping the behaviors, but reducing the secrecy and allowing others to see what is happening.
Shame and Self-Blame
Many people with eating disorders feel deep shame about their behaviors and thoughts. A person can truly want help but still believe that it’s something they should be able to do on their own, so they are ashamed to seek out the help.
It’s painful to think about exposing themselves and sharing with others what is going on. There can be a strong desire to not let others down or disappoint people they care about.
It’s common for people to tell themselves that they are the problem, because something is wrong with them, and it can’t be fixed. They place all the blame on themselves and don’t consider that outside pressure and stress could be to blame.
Hiding it takes away the risk of a painful exposure.
Judgment
Most people think of eating disorders as being a choice the individual makes, rather than an illness they are dealing with. This makes the individual fear that they will be seen as weak or attention seeking. They can’t control what others think and they don’t feel like they can explain the real cause of their behavior, so others form their own opinions and that’s hurtful.
This leads to hiding their behaviors to avoid being morally judged for something that isn’t actually a moral failure.
Losing Control
For a person living with an eating disorder, the associated behaviors can feel like the one thing they can predict or count on, and it can be their only way to experience relief.
“Most people with eating disorders feel an inadequate sense of control in other areas of their lives. A false and misleading sense of control based on food intake and behaviors such as purging and/or compulsive exercise develops.” (Indiana Bloomington University. “Student Health Center – Disordered Eating.” https://healthcenter.indiana.edu/health-answers/psychological-stress/disordered-eating.html)
Exposure, or telling someone, can make them feel like that one area of certainty has been ripped away. When this happens they fear they could lose their autonomy or have their coping system taken away. Maybe they want to change and they aren’t ready; they want to control the timing of making a change so they protect their secret at all costs.
Secrecy is a big part of maintaining control, so it becomes important. It’s not about manipulating the people they care about, it’s about protecting themselves and surviving.
How Relationships and Past Experiences Affect Disclosure
Attachment
A person’s attachment experience can shape how they handle emotional situations like sharing and being vulnerable, because it triggers what they think will happen when they are exposed.
Growing up with attentive, consistent caregivers can cause them to expect others to provide care and not cause further pain. This secure attachment can promote disclosure.
If caregivers were unpredictable or created fear in response to mistakes, disclosure can trigger an internal conflict of wanting help but fearing more harm could be done. Or if they grew up being ignored or made to feel small, they may expect that they can’t depend on others to help and they have to do things on their own. These unhealthy attachments can discourage disclosure.
Trust
Trust is built slowly and broken quickly. When someone is repeatedly reminded that they are safe, trust is built. But if they feel like a person in their life is dismissive it can undo trust and reinforce secrecy.
Sharing typically happens when a person has trust that their pain will be taken seriously, they won’t be shamed, their choices and independence will be respected and what they disclose will not be used against them in any way now or in the future.
Previous Reactions
If a person has responded negatively or made the individual feel unsupported in the past, it can play a role in how open they are in the future.
Past responses that can discourage sharing in the future are judging, minimizing the significance of the behavior by telling them “it’s not that bad”, trying to control them by monitoring them and directing their actions, or betraying their confidence and telling others private info they have shared.
Any of these examples signals to the person that making the disclosure leads to danger, so secrecy becomes a way to protect themselves.
Being found out can feel very threatening and, to the individual, seem worse than the actual behavior. This is because the behavior is protecting them by regulating their overwhelming emotions. If that way to regulate is taken away, nothing feels reliable anymore and that’s scary.
They may realize that the behaviors are a threat but it is known, predictable and within their control.
How Therapy Builds Trust Without Forcing Disclosure
A therapist prioritizes relationship before behavior and developing a relationship takes time and requires trust.
“How to treat eating disorders in therapy depends on the person going through the experience and their individual history and journey. In that sense, the best therapy for eating disorders is the kind that’s going to help someone best address their physical, mental, and emotional needs.” (Clerkin, Bridget. “Therapy for Eating Disorders.” Within Health. https://withinhealth.com/learn/articles/eating-disorder-therapy)
A therapist understands that safety comes before change. So in the beginning, there is a focus on understanding what the eating disorder is doing for the person. They do not react with alarm, but with a desire to learn what is going on and to help. Ultimately, they convey that to the person that they are more important than their symptoms.
Respect for autonomy is key in therapy because a loss of control is a fear that people with eating disorders have. So they ask permission before diving into sensitive topics and give them choices in the therapeutic process.
They allow the individual to move at their own pace and don’t force compliance or readiness. There is no pressure to disclose information on a certain timeline, they share what they feel comfortable sharing, when they feel comfortable sharing it.
During the process the therapist leads with clear transparency and maintains consent. They explain the treatment approach, what the expectations are, and work to make sure nothing feels hidden or sudden.
As mentioned before, secrecy is a symptom of an eating disorder and it is used to protect self, not manipulate others. If you are struggling with an eating disorder and you are ready to step out of the secrecy and get help, contact us, we are here for you. Nikki Eby, MFT, ATR, one of our therapists on staff has expertise in supporting clients with eating disorders.
