Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Not everyone is convinced that feelings are important. I get that. If you are one of those people who is not totally convinced that feelings are that big a deal, this is for you. I explain it this way often to my clients… How hard …
Julie Simon, MFT is an Los Angeles based therapist who works with people and their relationship with food. She has written When Food is Comfort and The Emotional Eaters Repair Manual. She also runs Overeating Recovery groups and has a 12 week program that can …
How many fulfilling conversations are you having in a day? I know life is busy and it’s easy to slip into auto pilot, so that might even be a hard question to answer.
You and everyone else you are talking with in your life, from strangers to loved ones, fundamentally want one thing.
Are you getting and giving this?
It’s the most basic of offerings, yet we fail at it so often. We are thirsty for connection, this is one thing we can get better at right now.
Literally leave it out of sight when you are talking to anyone. Research says that just the presence of your phone is a distraction to all people in a conversation. Why? Because it is designed to get your attention on all levels. And then it reinforces that action by offering dopamine hits when we give it our attention.
Yes, LOOK at them. I know that seems too simple. But it is one of the ways we signal to the other person that we are “seeing” and “hearing” them. And we are NOT doing that a lot. Especially if our phone is nearby.
As our attention spans get shorter and we are given information more quickly, this impacts how we interact.
I have been thinking about this a lot because I’m curious about why I feel more alive after some interactions and like I have been run over by a bus in others.
At a social event recently, I was observing how this group of close friends was interacting. These were educated people who are very interested in each other and long time friends. I was floored at how often people interrupted each other to talk about their own selves. AND did not ask a single question about another person. Of course we are starving for connection. The ones closest to us are not even seeing or hearing us!
Yes, ask a single follow up question. People want to be seen and heard. If you ask a question (not interrupting with one), that means you heard your person. It means you are connected.
The declining quality of interactions with each other is leaving us void of feeling connected. When we don’t feel connected and like we belong, we turn to superficial or unproductive activities to get our needs met. It’s a space where judgement, narcissism and selfishness grows.
How about we focus on building back our relationships to places where we are seen and heard? We can all be healthier, more compassionate, connected and fulfilled.
And, someone will notice. Maybe not consciously, but they will want to be around you more. They might say or do something nice, express gratitude and appreciation for you or the next person they see.
This viral video was shared in a group recently and it stopped me in my tracks. Watch what he does in the first video (3 min) and then listen to what he says about that experience in the second video (4 min). And then I’ll …
Every human has them. No matter how much work you have done on yourself. No matter how many skills you have. Overwhelming times descend upon us all. It could feel like anger, like panic, like fear. Any kind of intensity. Here’s the ONE question you …
We all use our phones for so many areas of our life, why not use it to support your emotional health and resilience? Here are our therapist’s current top recommendations:
Everyone knows building mindfulness skills is essential to your emotional and mental health, just like you know exercising and good nutrition is essential to your physical health. If you are not convinced, check out this post on 3 Reasons Why You Need to Care About Mindfulness.
For All:
Headspace (free and has subscriptions) This is my personal favorite. They have really expanded their library of meditations to help with all different kinds of settings, situations and levels of emotional intensity. Great for all levels and ages, even if you are just starting out and need some guidance on how to even meditate.
Calm (free)
For Kids:
Smiling Mind (free) This app teaches mindfulness, has activities and teaches skills.
Breathe, Think Do with Sesame (free and bilingual) This app uses interactive activities to support your child in learning problem solving and emotional regulation.
iChill (free) Created by the Trauma Recovery Institute to support you in working through PTSD, providing psychoeducation, skill building and supporting you in regulating your nervous system when you are triggered.
DARE –Break Free From Anxiety (free) This app is designed to help you in the moment of intense anxiety or a panic attack.
DBT Diary Card & Skills Coach (paid) This app is a great companion to skill building in therapy, especially when you are learning DBT skills.
Breathe, Think Do with Sesame (free and bilingual) This app uses interactive activities to support your young child in learning problem solving and emotional regulation.
Daniel Tiger for Parents (free and bilingual) This app uses songs and videos to support your young children in learning social skills (like sharing) and emotional skills.
My Chore Score (free) Gone are the days of paper chore charts and gold stickers. In this app, you and your kids can track completed chores and rewards. Improve accountability and consistency so you can enjoy more harmony.
Mood tracking can be super helpful to get an idea of where you are at over time. Sometimes we don’t realize that we are actually feeling lower than we think or doing better than we think, this gathers the data to help you be accurate. It’s also a great tool to use to see how effective therapy, medication, increase in sleep or exercise, a meditation practice are. Because you are with you all the time, it is sometimes hard to tell that you are making progress! It’s also a great idea to use a mood tracker to increase your self awareness and emotional insight skills.
Daylio (free)
CBT Thought Diary (free)
DBT Daily (free)
Cold feet. Maybe this is a term you’re familiar with when it comes to weddings. It’s what you see on movies when the bride (or groom) backs out at the last minute and runs away to a different life. “Cold feet” is the term loosely …
I want to talk about the post by Sheryl Paul from Conscious Transitions “Not Attracted? Learn to Unblock the Flow of Love” that landed in my inbox on Sunday. I was interested in the title because this is a question people ask in session: It …
We talk a lot in sessions about what kids hear and witness when there is stress going on inside a family.
If a parent cries or parents argue, on some level, kids are going to know. They might directly see or hear. Or they simply might feel that something is going on. Emotional currents run through a family and through households. There is no hiding that.
Also, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come out of my office and bumped into a kid listening at the door of one of the other therapists that work in our office suite. Kids are nosy!
You have to remember that picking up on these things, to some degree consciously or unconsciously, is partly a survival mechanism. Kids rely on their parent(s) to get needs met and they need to know what is going on in the family system so they can estimate how or when those needs can be met. This “thought process” about getting needs met can be largely unconscious. That information is required nonetheless.
To what degree? It really depends on the child or teen, their age, their level of emotional awareness, sensitivity and the family dynamics.
As with most things, it depends. However, I would say that it is likely that some acknowledgement of what is happening will be helpful.
Most of the time, you want to acknowledge that there is some kind of stress or there was a tough moment because they are going to find a way to make sense of it whether you share with them or not. Consider that most kids/teens (and some people in general) will tend to explain things to themselves putting themselves at the center of the story. This way, there is a sense of control.
If parents are fighting over parenting, for example, a child might decide they are the problem and if they are more well behaved or easy, the fighting will stop. Or, if they need less, their parents won’t be so stressed about money. They want to fix it. Just like we all want to solve problems and stop pain.
So, if you don’t acknowledge what is happening and provide some kind of explanation, you risk a young mind trying to make sense of bigger scale problems without support.
So, if parents are fighting over screen time, you might say to your young child: “we are having some trouble agreeing about how much screen time is healthy. So, we are going to try and find a way to agree, even though we have not found it yet.”
Keep it short and sweet.
Yes, they need to see that adults have feelings too. And that adults also have to figure out how to get along and grow through challenges.
If you try to keep everything away from your child, you are not allowing them the opportunity to see how a healthy adult or healthy couple works through challenges.
The key is not flooding them with your feelings.
Let’s say you are grieving. It is OK for your child to see you cry or need time for yourself. You can say “I’m feeling sad about ____ and I need to cry a little” or “I need to take some space for my feelings right now. I’m OK and this is just a wave that needs to pass through”.
With any challenge, you can say “I know that this is a challenge and challenges are here to help me learn and grow. I’m figuring out how to do that right now and it’s a little messy!”
Talk to them how you would want them to talk to themselves, you or others through a challenge. Kids pick up these things fast.
They are going to handle things in they way you show them to handle things. Whether you are intentional about it or not.
No matter what you say, make sure you add that you are OK, they are OK or things will be OK. You want them to understand that they are safe and do not need to worry, that you are handling it.
Even if you don’t know how you are going to handle it yet! You are an adult and you will figure it out. If it is too big to do on your own, you know you can get support to figure it out. One of the ways you can do that is by finding a therapist who can guide you through.
I would expect that you will get a minimizing or distracted response from most kids. Their response is not the important part.
They have ears that hear.
Your acknowledgement is the important part so that can do what they need to do with that information internally.
Consider how you think of things that happened in your own childhood. It didn’t feel important until you saw the impact later. Just like a sunburn. You really don’t know how bad it’s going to be until later. That’s why they minimize it. They haven’t gotten to the sunburn part yet. You have.
Here are some reasons they might not respond to what you say:
If they do respond or have questions, great!
Did your parents acknowledge things that happened in your home? If they did or didn’t, what was that like?
Blissful Kids was created by a Dad who started teaching mindfulness to his son at just 6 years old. I found this website when I was looking for ways to teach my clients mindfulness strategies. I have used this website to support kids, families and …