The emotional labor of women in their 30s and 40s can go unseen by everyone, even the women themselves. It can be exhausting and cover a range of things, so let’s talk about it.
What emotional labor really is
When lots of responsibilities collide, like pressure from a career, social expectations, parenting and family roles, it can result in emotional labor. This especially happens during the 30-40 age range because a lot of the responsibilities peak at this time.
When trying to be everything to everyone, it takes a toll on a person mentally and emotionally because it feels impossible. The labor refers to all the mental tasks, emotions and sacrifices that can be draining because it all adds up and it’s a lot!
“…emotional labor now includes the unpaid and often invisible emotional efforts put into maintaining relationships, running a household, resolving conflicts, and caring for others at an interpersonal level.”
Although this idea has loosened over the years in our society, it is still pretty common for women to be seen as the “caretakers” of the home. Moms are like the overall family operation managers, making sure everything gets done and everyone has what they need. This can be true even when both parents work a full-time job.
As young children, girls are praised for being nurturing, helpful, and in tune with their emotions. Boys on the other hand are encouraged to be focused on getting work done, being independent and assertive.
How emotional labor shows up in daily life
Even when a partner or other family members help with tasks, the work of thinking about and tracking everything usually falls to women. When so many things are constantly on a woman’s mind it can be draining. Things like:
- Anticipating what is needed – do we have what we need for the kid’s lunches this week or for dinner each night, do any of our friends or family members have birthdays coming up that I need to buy gifts for
- Planning & Coordinating – has transportation been arranged for sports and other activities
- Scheduling – we need to find a babysitter for Friday night, is everyone’s next dental appointment set up and on the calendar
Women can feel more like project managers than a member of the family and that can suck the joy out of family events that are meant to be happy, because she feels like the coordinator not a participant.
Then throw in work responsibilities, caring for aging parents, or any other task that is outside of their immediate family duties, and there is really a lot on her plate!
“When you’re not the one doing it, these tasks become invisible. They look automatic. A clean house, well-adjusted kids, smooth-running social calendar – these things don’t just happen.”
It can be hard for others to understand why women are so exhausted when it doesn’t look like they are doing much. When a lot of the work is mental and not physical, it can be invisible, she feels it but others can’t see it. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there.
How to start unburdening your system
Getting help with the invisible emotional labor takes being intentional and honest and it starts with naming what you are feeling and what you need.
Identify what is taking up the most space in your mind/thoughts, what your responsibilities are and what is the most draining.
Communication is so important. When women try to just manage everything on their own and not share their struggles with their partners, they have unconsciously indicated that they don’t need help; so maybe they don’t see your struggle because you have trained them not to see it.
Be specific in what you need and what outcome would be most helpful to you. Don’t just say, “I’m overwhelmed I need help”, instead say, “I’m overwhelmed by _________ and it would help me so much if you could ________ .” This gives a clear picture about what is causing your stress and an actionable solution to help you resolve it.
Boundary-setting
No matter how hard you try (or how much you want to) you cannot be everything to everyone and you cannot do it all, so setting boundaries is necessary.
Setting boundaries can look like:
- Turning down invitations or projects that you are asked to help with if your plate is already full
- Identifying one day a week as a rest/reset day that you don’t schedule any chores or events
- Stepping back from roles in the family that you feel are the most draining for you or you don’t feel confident doing (like mediating conflicts between the kids or scheduling all the medical appointments or keeping things organized) and asking your partner to take over or hire someone that can help, if that option is available.
In addition, it’s not possible to pour from an empty cup, you have to protect your own peace and fill your own cup as well. This is where self-care comes in and doing things that you enjoy or help you relax are essential, so that you do not get burnt out.
Getting support in a way that actually helps
It’s not realistic to unload all of the emotional labor at once. Starting small and slowly handing off things or shifting responsibilities is a good plan. It can be more stressful to rush to let things go because a lot of what you do you probably enjoy and you take pride in.
It’s helpful to communicate with and lean on your partner, family and friends, but sometimes they can’t fully hold what you’re feeling. It’s okay if you need to seek support outside of your usual circle. Therapists can be a good resource to help you unpack guilt, resentments, and expectations. There are therapists who specialize in burnout, mental fatigue, life transitions and other stressors that women face.
Support groups can also be helpful because it can help you feel less alone. This can make it easier to open up and receive the help you need. Others who are experiencing the same things as you will listen and understand, with no judgement.
If the invisible labor is taking a toll on you and you need some guidance and support, contact us, we are here to help.
