Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Yes, social media is a topic of discussion in therapy. Every day. And, we are right at that time of year when people are posting about their holiday activities and we might have a little more time or temptation to be keeping up with what’s …
We have all either thought or said this at some point: “you wouldn’t act like this if you loved me.” I have to tell you something: this belief is probably causing unnecessary pain and suffering. There is this prevailing thought that people act one certain …
Even if they are going to do wonders for you like exercise or breathing or meditation.
Honestly, when I am beyond, I could care less about what is going to be good for me. I just need to feel better RIGHT NOW.
Last post we talked about catching stress early so you have a better chance of actually caring about the things that can save you from spiraling into being super snappy with your loved ones or feeling like you are losing it all together.
Here are three things you might need to know when you are beyond stressed:
Stress is essentially feeling a lot of pressure. That pressure needs to go somewhere. So, you need to give it somewhere to go.
I’ll give you some examples:
Like the angry, world-isn’t-fair, everything-sucks-bad kind of venting. Do yourself a favor and make sure the person that is hearing you vent is not going to try to solve it for you. Let them know: I need you to just listen and tell me that everything I’m saying is valid and totally true even if I sound crazy. Any advice, problem solving, or attempts to soothe you will probably only make it worse. Why? Because it is putting up resistance to the pressure you are trying to let out. Solutions and being rational can come afterward.
So, get a list going of the things you need get down that will bring your stress down. Write done the projects or categories and the things to do underneath them. For a bonus step, schedule it out about when you are going to take care of those things. Sometimes part of the problem is feeling like you don’t know how you are going to get it all done.
Yup. You might need to ask for help. You might need to ask your spouse or a family member to take it over or hire someone to do some of the things. That could bring up guilt. I know. Once you hand it over, I promise the relief will help with the guilt. Guilt you can sort through (here’s some help), getting into an accident or a bad fight with a loved one or getting sick as a result of stress are more challenging (read: they add more stress on top of stress) than dealing with guilt.
You are beyond stressed and you lost it. You yelled, you acted badly, you drank too much. Whatever you did, it’s OK. Not that hurting someone is OK or treating yourself badly is OK, but you can repair any damage that was done.
At the end of the day, losing it probably led you to accept or figure out a solution for the stress. Because your feelings went to that level of intensity that was untenable, you found a solution. So, repair any damage and forgive yourself. You’re OK. It’s OK.
Everything that goes up must come down. If you are beyond stressed, there will come a breaking point. You will be forced to slow down, by your body or your feelings or the stressful period will come to an end.
You may have been dreaming of the moment you get on that plane where you get to finally let go. You’ve been telling yourself “if I can just get to x day”. Yes, relief will be on it’s way, but it might be a couple days after you expect.
When you try to slow down, it is like a Mack Truck down shifting after driving at high speeds. There is a lot of tension. You might feel out of sorts (cranky, having a hard time putting away your phone or computer, etc) if you try to slow down abruptly.
So, either accept that the first two days of your vacation might not necessarily be the easiest so you aren’t disappointed. Or schedule some activities right after you reach that deadline that was causing so much stress. Activities that you like, of course. Then do your beach/relaxing days.
That will help you transition from high stress mode a little easier down to relaxation mode.
**Written by staff therapist Anna Pirkl, M. A., MFT, ATR, LAADAC I have experienced significant trauma recovery as a direct result of my training at Gracie University in Torrance, California. My Goal… To start a discussion on the psychological benefits I’ve experienced and how it …
I’m pretty sure you would answer with a resounding “YES!” if I asked you whether you wanted to raise your child to be resilient. Right, because you care about raising a child that can be a successful, well adjusted, contributing member to society. What if …
Adopting a new way of handling difficult things is usually not something you bother to do when everything is going great.
You are built to be drawn toward what is familiar even when that is not in your best interests and goes against sound logic.
Let’s just get this part out of the way: Your heart beats automatically. Traffic can have a tendency to bother you. The way you drive to the gym is the same. You have usual ways of interpreting people’s behavior (i.e. you assume people are on their phone when they are driving slow vs. looking for an address).
Some of these automatic programs ensure your survival. Others are short cuts to increase efficiency. Some allow you to go on autopilot and have a break.
Yes, the familiar. I know, it doesn’t seem sparkly or attractive at all. But it really is. This is a big culprit responsible for keeping you stuck in old patterns.
This is what I want to talk about.
One of the reasons you are drawn to repeat behavior patterns is because there are well established neural pathways guiding you toward those familiar behaviors.
In some ways, this is a blessing because opportunity after opportunity will arise to allow you to see and reflect on what you do. AND for you to practice doing it differently, if that is what you wish.
The thing is, now that you know, what are you going to choose?
Look at the situation and what is important to you. Is it important for you to be right? Or for you to be more connected with your partner?
What happens if you don’t make a change? Is the trust in your relationship with your teenager on the line? Is your health on the line?
What is at stake for you? Meaning: what might you lose if you don’t make this change? What might you gain if you do commit to making a change?
And, it is a real commitment. Let’s not get that twisted.
This is an aspect of mindfulness. That doesn’t mean that you have to sit in a lotus position and meditate for hours a day.
It means: can you be aware of yourself in the moment when an important interaction is occurring?
If you want to practice awareness, try this: while you are brushing your teeth, notice what you are thinking. If you start going through your to do list, say inside your head “I’m going through my to do list”. Or, if you are scrolling through social media, say inside your head “I’m scrolling through social media”.
I know that sounds pedestrian, but introducing that line of thinking to your brain gives you a better chance of actually noticing that you are engaging or about to engage in old patterns you are trying to undo.
If you are into doing something more structured and specific to increase your ability to observe yourself, try the 10 minutes a day for 10 days intro pack on Headspace. You will get a download of skills for how to meditate and observe yourself. So worth it!!! And, it’s free.
Those words make it sound easy. No. It’s sometimes hard to even catch the opportunity, but if you are practicing some self observation, that will increase your odds.
Once you are in that choice moment, it can feel torturous to give up the old way, even if it is destroying your relationships, your health, your career.
If you can withstand that moment of discomfort and choose the new way (because of what you have at stake), the payoff is massive. You can definitely do it.
Consider that until that moment of choosing a new way, you’ve been seduced by familiarity.
But now you know. And you get to choose.
I think we go into parenthood with the intention of showing love to our children and staying calm when our children are upset or misbehaving. We plan to parent in such a way that our children will only need to be told to do something …
Whether it feels like one thing after another or it feels like big things are not going your way, there is a helpful way to look at it. We all know that there is no “there” to get to where everything is perfect, when we …
When I was thinking about this post, a little scene from A League Of Their Own popped into my head:
Having emotions is about ALLOWING. It is about letting those guys come through. In a healthy way, of course. Read more about that here and here.
If you are the kind of person who has lots of feelings all the time and you need to calm down that flow, this post or this post might be more helpful.
Personally, I have lots of feelings all the time AND I sometimes resist those feelings.
Even though I am in touch with my emotions, I do sometimes end up blocking them (one of my good old survival strategies).
So I have to practice allowing them to come through.
Just like any other process that involves letting go (think:falling asleep), “trying” makes it worse.
Right?
ONE: You might be in a bad mood for no reason.
TWO: There might be a problem you feel like you can’t solve.
THREE: You really want something in your life and it is not happening.
FOUR: You might be experiencing physical pain like a sore back, neck pain, headaches, stomachaches that have no medical explanation.
FIVE: You are super snappy or you find yourself isolating from friends or family.
SIX: You are having trouble sleeping.
SEVEN: You feel numb. You might not even be feeling the good stuff. When’s the last time you laughed? Or something filled your heart with love?
ONE: Sometimes it is just because you might not have that much practice or knowledge about letting them come through. To bolster your emotional intelligence a little, check out this guide to the meaning of 10 common emotions.
TWO: You could have had overwhelming experiences emotionally as a young person and your brain gave you some nice protection (blocked some of that emotional intensity from coming into your consciousness) and now you inadertently might resist your feelings.
THREE: Emotions are unpleasant. Uh, who wants to sign up for that??
They are a part of the human design. They have a purpose just like your cardiovascular system or your skeletal system. It is not extra. Or just extra hurdles thrown in the mix for fun.
When used properly, they can offer some great guidance, offer you some short cuts and support healthy relationships.
I get bothered about the fact that it doesn’t rise immediately sometimes because I can feel the emotion rattling around in there and I don’t know what it is. So, when I feel that discomfort (usually I feel crabby), I use this strategy a lot.
Tell yourself that you welcome any emotion that wants to show up. You might already intellectually “know” that, but this can help relax the psyche so that any unconscious defenses or blocks are released.
My best way is to lay on the ground. I do not get on my phone, I do not clean my house, I do not do anything. I lay down and breathe. For as many minutes as I can handle. If that is one minute and nothing comes up, I will do it again later.
If that seems crazy to you, go to a yoga class. Let someone guide you through the process of finding some space and breathing a little.
Get your mind on someone or something else, go on a walk and listen to music or a podcast and then let your mind circle back to whatever the situation is after a while.
Or you could feel some kind of relief.
You might find yourself feeling more apt to understanding another person’s point of view, you might feel like you want to offer an apology.
Or you might feel like you have some excitement or interest in whatever is next on deck in your life.
Just a little more enjoyment or motivation might be available.
It may just come up and resolve. Or you might cry, need to tell someone something, write down your insight. Whatever it is might not be that big of a deal.
But allowing it to come through allows some space to be opened up so you can move on and feel better.
A new Art Therapy resource for Orange County! One Heart Counseling Center is excited to announce its new location in Costa Mesa, close to the 405, 73, and 55 freeways. Our new satellite office offers mindfulness based therapy, art therapy, and counseling services for children, …