Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
All is calm… All is bright… but not for everyone. If you just had a baby then your home is definitely not calm, there is probably a lot of crying and a lot of sleepless nights happening in your house. And if you are struggling …
We have entered the holiday season and perfectionism is something that can come up now more than other times of the year, especially for perfectionists. However, you can create trust and connection without being perfect. In our last blog post we talked about the cost …
The struggles associated with perfectionism are usually hard for others to see and hard for the individual to admit.
Perfectionists usually appear to have it all together, however, under the surface, there is an ongoing battle raging. People may think being a perfectionist is a choice, however, perfectionism can be a trauma or anxiety based response.
Psychological wounds and emotional trauma can make you believe that you have to prove your worth, keep the peace or avoid danger or conflict by being perfect. If you’ve had experiences like this, then you may obsess over exceeding everyone’s expectations to feel safe on some level. It’s likely you don’t realize you are doing this, it’s simply an unconscious response to the trauma you experienced.
If you struggle with anxiety, you may display more traits of perfectionism than someone who doesn’t. If you are constantly worrying about things, you probably strive for things to be perfect in an effort to eliminate that feeling of worry and anxiety.
Perfectionists are usually driven by fear and they constantly feel anxious because they want to handle everything perfectly. If you are a perfectionist you may also place unrealistic expectations on others in your personal or professional life because you want everything they do to be perfect too.
This is just one of the ways perfectionism can negatively impact your life.
Perfectionism can hold you back and create internal and external conflicts in your life. You may always feel like you come up short or you are a failure if you don’t achieve the level of perfection you desire. You may alienate people in your life because you feel like you will fail them too, or they don’t measure up to your standards and expectations. This can cause a lot of stress and tension.
Some of the negative effects of perfectionism can include blaming yourself, procrastination, sabotaging relationships and a need for control. These can cost you something very valuable; your inner peace and self-confidence, or important relationships with others that are crucial to your mental health and well being.
If you struggle with perfectionism, it will take time, and consistent effort to break away from some of the negative habits you have developed. If you are aware of your perfectionist thoughts and tendencies you can work on a plan of what to do when they arise.
EXAMPLE: You invited some friends over for dinner and you burned the casserole but everyone showed up and you had a great time together. The food was a flop but it’s okay because the goal was to connect with your friends. It wasn’t perfect but it was meaningful.
EXAMPLE: You and a coworker have been given an assignment and your instinct is to just tell them you will just take care of it. You offer this because you want to have the control and make sure it’s done right. But try instead to discuss who is responsible for what, what you both expect the end result to be and then place a boundary for yourself that you do not take over their tasks; you stick to what is agreed upon.
EXAMPLE: When recording a video or writing an email go ahead and do it, without spending hours practicing and continually analyzing it. Then you have a first draft you can review and make corrections and/or tweaks to.
EXAMPLE: Plan out jobs or tasks and consider how long it will take. Make schedules or agendas that account for how long tasks will take so you don’t approach the day thinking you can get more done than is feasible.
It’s common for people to think that being a high achiever and being a perfectionist are the same, but they are not.
High achievers simply want to do their best, but perfectionists can be paralyzed by fear if they think they are failing. This is not always obvious or on a conscious level, but it can be seen in the response to not being perfect.
Writing down the thoughts and feelings you experience related to being perfect can be a helpful way to create self-awareness and understand how perfectionism is affecting your life.
As the holidays approach, it is easy to get swept away in the wave of needing to do all the things of hosting, giving gifts, creating memorable experiences with your loved ones.
Notice how trying to make sure it is all perfect takes away from the connection and pleasure in coming together to celebrate the holidays.
You started in therapy. That’s a huge step. A step that took thought, research, and time. Now, you may be asking, “Am I getting what I need from therapy?”. This will be an important question to ask yourself to make sure you are benefiting. Reasons …
Therapy is a great place to start to get support. Having someone who can help you evaluate, organize and cope with the struggles you and/or your family are facing can initiate necessary change and healing. And, at some point your therapist may determine that another …
Have you made the decision to begin therapy but not sure where to start?
Are you trying to determine if you need individual, couples or family therapy?
It’s okay if you answered yes to one or both of these questions!
At One Heart Counseling Center, we are here to guide you through the process of finding out what type of therapy will be most effective for you.
The first step is the most important one and that is getting in touch with us so we can get started.
One of the obvious answers to the question ‘what is the difference between individual, couples and therapy?’ is the people who are involved. But it goes a lot deeper than that so let’s break it down a little more.
Individual therapy is self-reflective and focuses more on personal development. You will spend time identifying and processing your emotions and behaviors and working to make positive changes in your life.
In couples therapy, the therapist will help you understand how you and your partner interact and determine ways to improve those interactions. Sometimes it might be a little more intense because you are dealing with the emotions and behaviors of two different people who are usually from different backgrounds and have different coping skills.
Family counseling can include all family members in a household or just a few, depending on the situation that led to initiating therapy. A family therapist can help resolve differences within the family, help build stronger relationships between you and help you learn how to function as a unit in a more positive way.
Once you determine which type of therapy is best for you (which we can help you with! Contact us Here), questions about the therapist may arise.
Having everyone in the family see the same therapist separately is usually not recommended. This is because the therapeutic relationship between a therapist and an individual is built on trust.
A family therapist creates the alliance and trust with the family as a whole, which includes each of its members, but is focused on the family.
In couples therapy the couple is the ‘client’ so the therapist acts in accordance with the priorities of the relationship.
Switching to a single member of the couple or family means the working relationship starts to develop with that individual. This can lead to problems in the working relationship with the family or the couple that interrupt the effectiveness of the work. It never seems like it will be a problem, but trust us, even if it is hard to foresee, it happens!
Consider this… the therapist says something that challenges you in a family session. Even if it isn’t the case, you might think the therapist is challenging you because they are biased by your family member that is seeing that therapist individually. That interrupts the effectiveness of the work. We know therapy is an investment and we want you to get the most out of it! So we don’t want to create any situation that could compromise your investment.
However, moving from individual work to couples or family work is not recommended unless there is a specific clinical reason. If it is then the transition should be processed and new expectations should be set.
A different challenge may arise when you have multiple kids seeing a therapist and those will need to be considered as well.
When you have more than one kid seeing a therapist it’s usually best for them to see different therapists. There are a variety of reasons for this.
They may be concerned about what their sibling has said to the therapist or they may be worried that the therapist is sharing things about them with their sibling. A therapist cannot share what individual clients say in sessions with other individual clients. And a therapist explains this, however, kids sometimes have a hard time getting their head around this!
Sibling rivalry is also very common and they may get caught up trying to win the therapist over so they are on their side and do not side with their sibling.
If conflicts do arise the therapist may have to stop seeing one of the siblings or transfer them to someone else. The child may not understand why that has to happen and may feel hurt by the change in treatment.
The benefit of working with the therapists at One Heart Counseling Center is that they know each other’s clinical work very well. If one of your family members needs to see another therapist, your therapist can recommend someone who would be a good fit for them.
The process for an additional family member starting therapy is relatively seamless. It also makes it easy for the therapists working with your family to work together and support your family as a whole.
Couples therapy can be so helpful to work through issues and learn positive ways to communicate with your partner. The couples who see the most impactful results are those who start sooner. Destigmatizing couple’s therapy and preparing for the process together can set you and …
It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you are taking the first steps to begin therapy. You might be wondering if now is the right time to start therapy; or you may have already made the decision to move forward with therapy but are not sure …
Too much screen time is a common concern among parents and it’s a question that comes up frequently in therapy sessions. So we wanted to share some helpful information with you about it here.
Some common fears that parents have is that screen time will have a negative impact on their child’s cognitive and/or social development.
It’s very unlikely that your child can avoid screens altogether with remote learning and the use of Facetime or other video chat platforms to keep in touch with family and friends.
Therefore, learning to establish boundaries and place limits on screen time are important.
In our previous post ‘How Does Screen Time Affect Your Mental Health?’, we discussed how screen time affects adults. When it comes to screen time for kids there are some similarities as well as some additional considerations.
A parent’s choice to allow their children to have or use a device, whether it’s a phone, laptop, ipad, etc., is not something that can be judged from the outside. Each family has to make the best decisions for their family and their specific circumstances.
Some children only connect with their relatives through video chat or text and having an option to foster those relationships through technology is a positive thing.
However, childhood is a crucial time for brain and cognitive development and studies have shown that too much screen time can have a negative impact.
‘A recent study by the National Institutes of Health has shown that children spending approximately 2 hours on screens have lower thinking/reasoning power and language processing ability. Moreover, the study has found that the brain area (cortex) responsible for reasoning and critical thinking becomes thinner in children who spend more than 7 hours on screens.’ News-medical.net
A child learns a lot through their environment and surroundings, as well as by observing others. Excessive screen time can limit the learning that takes place during these interactions.
Screen time can be an addiction for both adults and kids, but kids usually have a harder time identifying it as an addiction and acknowledging that the addiction is a negative thing. Therefore, they may show more resistance when boundaries regarding screen time are put in place.
Screen time releases dopamine in the brain, which makes them feel good; so the more screen time your child has, the more time they will want.
It’s likely that screen time becomes more of a need than a choice or desire, because your child will crave that dopamine release.
As a parent one important thing you can do is set a good example with your own screen time.
Talk about the boundaries you have in place for yourself and show them how it looks to uphold those boundaries; kids are always watching.
Having conversations about screen time and being open with your children about it’s negative impacts (in an age appropriate way), can help them learn, from a young age, that it is an important thing to manage. That awareness and openness on the topic can make a big difference.
Educating your children on the negative impacts of too much screen time can be just as vital to their well-being as educating them on the negative impacts of other behaviors like poor eating habits and lack of physical activity.
If you would like guidance on how to calculate the amount of screen time for your child, an online search may yield varying opinions.
The American Academy of Pediatrics and World Health Organization recommend the following:
There are lots of apps and tools available to monitor your child’s online activity as well as set limits for their screen time. A few popular ones are Zift, Screen time, Unglue, Qustodio and Norton Family. Most of them have free and paid premium options. Parents.com gives detailed info on each of these apps HERE.
A good place to start when creating boundaries and limits for screen time is to assess the current amount of time your child spends online and what times during the day they are using their devices. You can then determine what they are doing with the rest of their time, whether it’s school work, sports, family time, etc. Knowing what their typical day looks like and how much time is spent on a device will help you determine what changes need to be made and how their new routine will look.
Creating a plan together as a family is a good way to explain to your child why screen time limits are important and to talk about expectations. You can discuss the boundaries and expectations together and listen to any concerns, questions or input from your child(ren). They are more likely to get on board with the plan if they feel that they have been a part of developing that plan and they do not feel like it is a punishment.
Consider that creating habits and routines in childhood will be helpful to them in adulthood.
Even if they reject it at first, they are likely to return to the familiar habits they learned as a child because, with age, they come to realize that they were important and helpful. So, while it is challenging, do your best to keep going! Putting in the work to teach your child the importance of screen time boundaries may be an important key to their well-being in the future.
What has been your biggest challenge in managing your child’s screen time? Need some support around this? We are happy to help, give us a call.
In today’s society lots of activities, both business and pleasure, involve a screen. It’s important to understand the impact of too much screen time and to consider ways to manage it wisely. Did you know that looking at a screen all day can impact your …