Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Information of all kinds is so much more accessible these days than it has been in the past. And, on the bright side, there has been a significant rise in information and awareness around mental health issues. After decades of shame and stigma surrounding mental …
When I first started practicing as a therapist, many people that reached out for therapy were in crisis. They were in dire need of help. We saw people in our practice who were dealing with intense depressive or anxiety symptoms, severe trauma, life crises and …
It is not uncommon for people to start playing the blame game when they first start therapy. It may include blame directed at our family or parents, or the blame may be directed at the past and outside circumstances. This is a normal response and it’s all a part of the process.
I’m sure you’ve heard people say it before: it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.
If it does, that’s OK. To make it easier, let’s talk about what you can expect.
When you begin therapy, or go through the different stages of therapy, you have an opportunity to look at the cards you were dealt in life and it can be hard to face. This might mean approaching some uncomfortable realities.
For example, there might have been some unhealthy dynamics in your family growing up. This doesn’t mean anyone is bad. It just means we are all human, doing our best. But, it’s important to see the realities because those are often what contribute to the reason you started therapy in the first place.
Some people start to experience this and want to quit therapy because they think it’s not working. This is a normal part of the process and doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress; actually this is a sign of progress.
You might feel angry and want to blame all the bad things that have happened on someone or some circumstance; or you might blame yourself.
Think about if you were diagnosed with an illness. You are not to blame for the illness. However, you are responsible for your health. This means it’s your job to focus on understanding what’s going on, living a healthy lifestyle, following directions from your health care providers, etc.
It’s the same concept when you are dealing with your emotions. When you are given a clear vision of the cards you are holding you might feel angry about what you’ve had to deal with because it was out of your control. Totally understandable. And there is space for that in therapy. The good news is, you get to be in control now and work towards getting to a better place of health and wellness.
Here’s the thing about the truth, when it first comes to light, it can be hard. But then it gets easier. You process the feelings, you come to terms with it and now that the information is here, you can actually deal with it head on. You might finally be able to see a family dynamic that impacted you in a negative way, or how there are unresolved emotions around a certain event. The truth has always been there, buried deep, and you have been dealing with it all along.
When you see things from your past with more clarity, you start to understand things that have happened in your life, how those things affected you (and still affect you) and why you reacted in the ways you did. Once it’s out in the open, you get to create a way to move forward.
Coming to terms with hurtful truths from your past is hard, but such a crucial piece to position you in a place where you have power over your life and your choices.
Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in managing your life and claiming your rights.
Once you have a more clear view of things, you will start to see that you can’t control anything outside of yourself. Sometimes we know this but we talk ourselves into thinking that maybe we could have done something to change an outcome that we weren’t happy with or had a negative impact on us.
You might have to remind yourself, on a regular basis, that you can only be responsible for the things you actually have control of, because it’s easy to lose sight of that truth.
If you focus on things that are beyond your control then you will be stuck on a hamster wheel of trying to fix things that can’t be fixed or trying to change things that you don’t have the power to change.
‘As you begin to resolve the problem that brought you to psychotherapy, you’ll also be learning new skills that will help you see yourself and the world differently. You’ll learn how to distinguish between situations you can change and those you can’t and how to focus on improving the things within your control.’ American Psychological Association, Understanding psychotherapy and how it works Last updated: July 31, 2020 Date created: November 1, 201232 min read
It’s important to get clear about what you can manage inside of you, like your thoughts, perceptions, responses to what happens in the outside world.
When you reach this place, your healing and growth accelerate. This is empowerment.
Coming to terms with what you have been through is tough and necessary to start healing. Blaming others, blaming your circumstance or blaming yourself, while it is a natural reaction, is not the way you’ll be able to move forward.
In our last post we discussed nervous system regulation and how it can impact your mental and emotional health. Now let’s cover how to support your nervous system and develop habits to cope before stressful situations occur. How to Know your sympathetic nervous system …
Do you ever try to take a relaxing moment to yourself, and then notice your brain is escaping to the never ending to do list, upcoming events, or a past mistake? Our brain tends to focus on the past or future, which can lead to …
You have probably seen people in the mental health and mindfulness space talk about nervous system regulation. Nervous system regulation sounds complicated but once you understand some basics, it’s easy to see the immediate positive impact it can have on your life.
So, let’s go over the basics of what that means and why it matters to you.
Nervous system regulation is a way to self-soothe when you feel like things are out of control.
“The two major nervous systems in the human body are the central (brain and spinal cord) and the peripheral (mostly made up of nerves that carry signals through your body) systems. The autonomic nervous system, which is within the peripheral system, contains the sympathetic and parasympathetic systems.” (Balancing Your Nervous System by Evolution Yoga | Dec 22, 2017 | Evolution Blog)
The sympathetic nervous system is where your fight or flight response originates. If you are in a demanding, stressful or threatening situation, your brain prepares your body to respond in a way that will ensure survival. Your reaction might be fight, escape (flight) or freeze. This will also slow down other processes in the body such as digestion, reproductive functioning and emotional processing to focus on survival.
The parasympathetic nervous system triggers your rest and digest response. It is responsible for regulating bodily functions when your body is at rest and especially after a demanding experience. This means activity in the brain and muscles have slowed down and you are in a healing, recovery and integration mode. It produces a reaction that balances the sympathetic nervous system response of fight, flight or freeze.
When we say you are nervous or something is getting on your nerves, you are talking about the sympathetic nervous system; and it can trigger a reaction throughout your body because it is getting ready for action.
Your nervous system is the communicator in your body.
It guides everything you do from thinking your most complex thoughts to ongoing actions like breathing. It also senses problems within your body and sends messages to your organs and tissues to address what is going on. Your mental, emotional and physical health are all linked together.
Since they are all intertwined and affect one another, it’s important to focus on the five basics that are essential to create balance. We discussed these basics in a previous blog post – Which 5 Basics are Essential to Your Mental Health.
When your nervous system is activated you can experience physical responses such as increased heart rate, an increase in blood flow to the muscles, a decrease in blood flow to the skin, quick breathing, and a quick shot of glucose into your bloodstream.
“Over time, repeated activation of the stress response takes a toll on the body. Research suggests that chronic stress contributes to high blood pressure, promotes the formation of artery-clogging deposits, and causes brain changes that may contribute to anxiety, depression, and addiction.” (Harvard Health Publishing | STAYING HEALTHY Understanding the stress response, July 6, 2020)
Your physical health is not the only thing that can be affected by nervous system activation.
Nervous system activation can happen in response to things as common as work stress, an overly busy schedule or being triggered by something emotionally.
When it is activated, your hearing, your ability to take in and make sense of information is compromised. Have you ever read a text message in a hurry and gotten activated, then come back to it later and realize it didn’t say or imply what you thought it did?
The nervous system activation you were experiencing when you read the message caused you to interpret the message differently.
Stress may cause you to withdraw from others. A common coping mechanism for people who are stressed out is to bottle up their feelings and not let others know, or if they do know, not allow them to help.
In contrast to withdrawal, stress may cause you to be irritable or lash out. This usually happens when you are already frustrated and something happens to send you over the edge.
Withdrawal and irritability both have a negative impact on your ability to engage with others; causing more distress.
It can be hard to know what the steps to take to get back to a place of balance and peace.
Have you ever been stressed and someone suggested that you take some deep breaths? More than likely, you didn’t want anything to do with that suggestion even though you knew it was probably a good idea.
It’s important to know what you feel like when you are stressed. You can start by identifying how you feel when you are calm, and then take note of changes that you experience in your body when you are stressed. Your shoulders may tense up, you may get a headache, you may not be able to concentrate, etc.
Once you have noted all of your ‘symptoms’ of stress you should be able to catch the activation of your nervous system early and start to utilize coping strategies.
If you wait until you are right in the middle of a stressful situation then you may not be able to effectively implement coping strategies. You may not have the mental capacity at that point to productively deal with the problem.
This is why it’s crucial to take the time to attend to your nervous system before you tackle a problem or make any important decisions. Without nervous system regulation, clarity is compromised. Instead of looking for relief externally, focus inward on regulating the nervous system for relief. Then deal with the situation.
Are you interested in learning more about how you can regulate your nervous system? Contact us today, we are happy to guide you through your next steps.
A new year can mean new goals and new beginnings. One important goal is to find ways to support your mental health in the new year. Some of the most common goals include making more money or losing weight; but often people don’t realize that …
All is calm… All is bright… but not for everyone. If you just had a baby then your home is definitely not calm, there is probably a lot of crying and a lot of sleepless nights happening in your house. And if you are struggling …
We have entered the holiday season and perfectionism is something that can come up now more than other times of the year, especially for perfectionists. However, you can create trust and connection without being perfect.
In our last blog post we talked about the cost of perfectionism and about the fear and anxiety that people experience in relation to being a perfectionist. (Read it HERE)
Since the holiday season has already begun and some of the struggles related to being perfect may have already surfaced, it’s a good time to reflect and learn so that the rest of this season can be more enjoyable and less stressful.
First it’s important to remember that the most valuable thing about any event or any destination is the quality of the experience.
You could be in the picture perfect place with the picture perfect things and have a miserable experience. Likewise, some of the best experiences have happened under imperfect circumstances.
Think about it, when you are so focused on making things perfect you are distracted from the main point which is the quality of the interpersonal experience. So, how can you shift your perspective and focus on the quality of the experience? You can do this by having integrity.
Having integrity means being congruent, clear and accountable. Let’s break this down.
This means what is on the inside is what is on the outside.
Here’s an example: You really want to make hand-made, perfect little holiday name card holders for your holiday table. Do it because YOU love it. Make extra time for it because it brings you joy, not because you want other people to be happy about the cute name card holders.
When you are doing things for other people’s reactions and are keeping receipts (i.e. I did xyz so you should be grateful), you are putting a strain on yourself and your relationships.
Even though it might not be totally conscious, you are expecting someone’s level of excitement or gratefulness about something to match yours; when in reality it may not be important to them. Therefore, they may not give you the reaction you are expecting.
That is not a formula for an enjoyable time with family and friends. It will only lead to you being let down and upset.
So get really clear on what you want to do and why you are doing it. Make sure that you are not doing it for someone who isn’t really asking you to do that.
Decide what you want for your holidays and stay congruent with that. Listen to and honor your body.
If you bite off more than you can chew, that’s okay, that’s where the next part comes in.
Communication is a big part of having integrity. Start with getting clear with yourself, then get clear with the people in your circle.
Get clear on what you are up for and what you are not up for. You can even start the conversation with: “I really want to do xyz, but I also know I might be taking on more than I can handle, so I’ll keep you posted”.
Being upfront and honest with family and friends about what you want and what you have time and energy for during the holidays will help ensure that you are all on the same page.
If you just assume people know what you are thinking or feeling, then you may be setting yourself up for problems.
This might be related to who is going to host, what food you are going to cook, how much you are going to spend, what events you are going to attend, etc.
So check in with yourself and communicate with love from there. Sometimes others will have a reaction to that. That’s OK. It is theirs to handle.
This is the most important part of integrity: if you can’t do what you said you were going to do, be accountable by letting your people know.
When you acknowledge that you said one thing but actually need to do another, that builds trust and connection. Most people will understand and give grace to those who are upfront and accountable for their actions. If you make excuses or do not acknowledge the reasons why you did not follow through, people may not be as understanding. They may feel hurt or disappointed and direct those feelings toward judgement.
When you are accountable, you keep the space clear and clean so there is no distraction from the actual emotions of disappointment or hurt. Those emotions can be processed. Judgements cause tension.
For example you can say “Baking 3 kinds of homemade pies, making scalloped potatoes and having 9 Christmas trees will lead to me being overextended and stressed, causing me to have a crappy holiday; and it is just not worth it.”
When explained this way, people will understand that you are making a choice that is right for you because the original plan will have a negative impact not only on you, but on them. The people who love and care about you ultimately want what is best for you and your explanation will give them clarity about your decision and why you made it. This creates trust and connection.
If you love getting fancy and doing all the little hand-made details and decorations, do that and focus on the joy it brings you. If that is not your idea of a fun time, then prioritize the quality time spent with your family; understanding that just being present with them is enough if that’s what brings you joy.
This is how you set the tone; being congruent (doing what you actually want to do, not what others expect), being clear (with yourself and others) and being accountable if plans change. If you focus on these 3 elements you will create trust and connection with those you care about and you will begin to see that being perfect is not necessary in order to enjoy the holidays.
The struggles associated with perfectionism are usually hard for others to see and hard for the individual to admit. Perfectionists usually appear to have it all together, however, under the surface, there is an ongoing battle raging. People may think being a perfectionist is a …