Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Sometimes people do things that get under your skin and they usually aren’t doing them because they’re rude or annoying. More than likely it’s because they are responding to something intense in their internal world. Of course, it might annoy you and push your buttons, …
There’s a lot of conversation around holding boundaries with people in our life. But how about with ourselves? If we are putting an emphasis on something like boundaries in a relationship, we also want to check in on what we are doing around that very …
People who tend to blame themselves when something goes wrong or when something is challenging, oftentimes take in too much feedback. As we discussed in our last blog, it’s important to be open to feedback (especially during therapy) and really try to see yourself in ways you haven’t before.
However, it’s possible to be too open to feedback or taking all feedback so seriously that you let it define you.
Taking in too much feedback and letting it make you feel like you are always at fault for everything can come from experiences early in life, especially when trauma was present. If you’ve always been told what you are doing wrong or how you can be better, then you may come to think of all feedback as a finger pointing at you and placing blame on you.
But the truth is, feedback is not always negative and doesn’t require taking on blame. Feedback is a tool that can be used to help you critically think about situations or behaviors from a different perspective. You may come to the conclusion that you just didn’t understand something because you were viewing it differently.
Your therapist is trained to provide feedback in a way that is beneficial to you and will help you understand things from a different perspective. Once they get to know you, they will know how to deliver feedback in a way that is easier for you to receive.
However, outside of your therapy sessions, you may have other people in your life offer feedback that may not be beneficial or maybe not delivered in a helpful manner. Knowing your circle of friends and family, and where you can receive clear and helpful feedback is important. You don’t have to listen to what everyone has to say about the challenging situations you are facing because everyone will not understand you or the situation, or how to give objective and supportive feedback..
So if you are receiving feedback from unhelpful sources and it is triggering negative emotions or making the problem worse, it might be helpful to take a step back and remind yourself that all feedback is not good feedback and refrain from internalizing it.
Brene Brown is a research professor, lecturer, author, and podcast host who has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. In her book, ‘Daring Greatly’, she talks about the struggle people face when they are negatively judged by others and how you shouldn’t stop caring what people think BUT you shouldn’t let what they think define you.
She suggests having a ‘square squad’. This is when you take a one inch by one inch piece of paper and write as many names as you can of people who truly care about you, will give you honest feedback and want what is best for you (This is a really small space and you won’t be able to fit a lot of people’s names on it…that’s the point, this group of people should be small). Then you use the square squad to help you work through any negative feedback you receive from other people. If someone gives you feedback that hurts you, confuses you or makes you feel like you are the problem; share it with someone in your square squad and ask them if they feel the same way.
“Too much criticism can paralyze you from creating the life you want. But to work in a vacuum cuts you off from valuable insights that could make all the difference. Look for a happy balance of feedback and execution and you’ll find it easier to go after what you truly want in the world.” (Medium.com |PERSONAL GROWTH |Brené Brown’s “1×1 Index Card” Trick Could Permanently Boost Your Confidence And Focus – Find your “square squad” and hold ’em close; Nick Wolny, August 30, 2021)
Sharing with people that you trust keeps you from automatically taking feedback from others to heart, and helps you to understand it and determine if it’s true or helpful.
Sometimes it can be harder to accept that you are not always responsible when something bad happens. When something goes wrong you may tend to think about all the things you could have done or should have done that would have made the situation better. You may feel like somehow you should have done better, that you are responsible.
When you get feedback that is not positive or not what you want to hear, it can bring you down and make you feel like you are responsible. Allow yourself to think through the feedback first, and not automatically feel responsible or that you are in the wrong.
Look at the context around the feedback because there may be other things that are off. Sometimes personalities just clash and someone may give you feedback based on a personality trait they possess or they may just not understand your personality and your behaviors. For instance, some people are very literal and they see everything through a lens that is black or white. Maybe you see things in a spectrum and are more flexible in your perspective. The feedback you receive from this person who has an opposite personality from you will be based on how they perceive things, which may not be aligned with your beliefs.
It’s also possible that others are projecting, or attributing their own thoughts or feelings, onto you when giving feedback. “Through projections, we communicate “You” statements directed at others that are actually intended for us. Simply, we are not willing to take personal responsibility, and therefore, we blame the other person(s). It’s as if we are an actual projector – a machine – re-presenting our experience onto a screen – the other person.” (AbigailStason.com | TURN OFF THE PROJECTOR WHEN COMMUNICATING AND GIVING FEEDBACK)
This is when it can be helpful to use your square squad to see if maybe someone is projecting or if there is actually a problem you need to address.
It’s important to take the time to really think through how you process feedback, when you need to take action and when you need to cut yourself some slack. If you feel that you take in too much feedback or you don’t handle feedback well, contact us and let us help you develop a positive way to handle it going forward.
One of the characteristics of clients who are most successful in therapy is their ability to be open to feedback. So we want to share what this looks like and what naturally gets in the way, so you can also be successful in therapy, …
When I first started practicing as a therapist, many people that reached out for therapy were in crisis. They were in dire need of help. We saw people in our practice who were dealing with intense depressive or anxiety symptoms, severe trauma, life crises and …
It is not uncommon for people to start playing the blame game when they first start therapy. It may include blame directed at our family or parents, or the blame may be directed at the past and outside circumstances. This is a normal response and it’s all a part of the process.
I’m sure you’ve heard people say it before: it’s probably going to get worse before it gets better.
If it does, that’s OK. To make it easier, let’s talk about what you can expect.
When you begin therapy, or go through the different stages of therapy, you have an opportunity to look at the cards you were dealt in life and it can be hard to face. This might mean approaching some uncomfortable realities.
For example, there might have been some unhealthy dynamics in your family growing up. This doesn’t mean anyone is bad. It just means we are all human, doing our best. But, it’s important to see the realities because those are often what contribute to the reason you started therapy in the first place.
Some people start to experience this and want to quit therapy because they think it’s not working. This is a normal part of the process and doesn’t mean you aren’t making progress; actually this is a sign of progress.
You might feel angry and want to blame all the bad things that have happened on someone or some circumstance; or you might blame yourself.
Think about if you were diagnosed with an illness. You are not to blame for the illness. However, you are responsible for your health. This means it’s your job to focus on understanding what’s going on, living a healthy lifestyle, following directions from your health care providers, etc.
It’s the same concept when you are dealing with your emotions. When you are given a clear vision of the cards you are holding you might feel angry about what you’ve had to deal with because it was out of your control. Totally understandable. And there is space for that in therapy. The good news is, you get to be in control now and work towards getting to a better place of health and wellness.
Here’s the thing about the truth, when it first comes to light, it can be hard. But then it gets easier. You process the feelings, you come to terms with it and now that the information is here, you can actually deal with it head on. You might finally be able to see a family dynamic that impacted you in a negative way, or how there are unresolved emotions around a certain event. The truth has always been there, buried deep, and you have been dealing with it all along.
When you see things from your past with more clarity, you start to understand things that have happened in your life, how those things affected you (and still affect you) and why you reacted in the ways you did. Once it’s out in the open, you get to create a way to move forward.
Coming to terms with hurtful truths from your past is hard, but such a crucial piece to position you in a place where you have power over your life and your choices.
Empowerment is the process of becoming stronger and more confident, especially in managing your life and claiming your rights.
Once you have a more clear view of things, you will start to see that you can’t control anything outside of yourself. Sometimes we know this but we talk ourselves into thinking that maybe we could have done something to change an outcome that we weren’t happy with or had a negative impact on us.
You might have to remind yourself, on a regular basis, that you can only be responsible for the things you actually have control of, because it’s easy to lose sight of that truth.
If you focus on things that are beyond your control then you will be stuck on a hamster wheel of trying to fix things that can’t be fixed or trying to change things that you don’t have the power to change.
‘As you begin to resolve the problem that brought you to psychotherapy, you’ll also be learning new skills that will help you see yourself and the world differently. You’ll learn how to distinguish between situations you can change and those you can’t and how to focus on improving the things within your control.’ American Psychological Association, Understanding psychotherapy and how it works Last updated: July 31, 2020 Date created: November 1, 201232 min read
It’s important to get clear about what you can manage inside of you, like your thoughts, perceptions, responses to what happens in the outside world.
When you reach this place, your healing and growth accelerate. This is empowerment.
Coming to terms with what you have been through is tough and necessary to start healing. Blaming others, blaming your circumstance or blaming yourself, while it is a natural reaction, is not the way you’ll be able to move forward.
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We have entered the holiday season and perfectionism is something that can come up now more than other times of the year, especially for perfectionists. However, you can create trust and connection without being perfect.
In our last blog post we talked about the cost of perfectionism and about the fear and anxiety that people experience in relation to being a perfectionist. (Read it HERE)
Since the holiday season has already begun and some of the struggles related to being perfect may have already surfaced, it’s a good time to reflect and learn so that the rest of this season can be more enjoyable and less stressful.
First it’s important to remember that the most valuable thing about any event or any destination is the quality of the experience.
You could be in the picture perfect place with the picture perfect things and have a miserable experience. Likewise, some of the best experiences have happened under imperfect circumstances.
Think about it, when you are so focused on making things perfect you are distracted from the main point which is the quality of the interpersonal experience. So, how can you shift your perspective and focus on the quality of the experience? You can do this by having integrity.
Having integrity means being congruent, clear and accountable. Let’s break this down.
This means what is on the inside is what is on the outside.
Here’s an example: You really want to make hand-made, perfect little holiday name card holders for your holiday table. Do it because YOU love it. Make extra time for it because it brings you joy, not because you want other people to be happy about the cute name card holders.
When you are doing things for other people’s reactions and are keeping receipts (i.e. I did xyz so you should be grateful), you are putting a strain on yourself and your relationships.
Even though it might not be totally conscious, you are expecting someone’s level of excitement or gratefulness about something to match yours; when in reality it may not be important to them. Therefore, they may not give you the reaction you are expecting.
That is not a formula for an enjoyable time with family and friends. It will only lead to you being let down and upset.
So get really clear on what you want to do and why you are doing it. Make sure that you are not doing it for someone who isn’t really asking you to do that.
Decide what you want for your holidays and stay congruent with that. Listen to and honor your body.
If you bite off more than you can chew, that’s okay, that’s where the next part comes in.
Communication is a big part of having integrity. Start with getting clear with yourself, then get clear with the people in your circle.
Get clear on what you are up for and what you are not up for. You can even start the conversation with: “I really want to do xyz, but I also know I might be taking on more than I can handle, so I’ll keep you posted”.
Being upfront and honest with family and friends about what you want and what you have time and energy for during the holidays will help ensure that you are all on the same page.
If you just assume people know what you are thinking or feeling, then you may be setting yourself up for problems.
This might be related to who is going to host, what food you are going to cook, how much you are going to spend, what events you are going to attend, etc.
So check in with yourself and communicate with love from there. Sometimes others will have a reaction to that. That’s OK. It is theirs to handle.
This is the most important part of integrity: if you can’t do what you said you were going to do, be accountable by letting your people know.
When you acknowledge that you said one thing but actually need to do another, that builds trust and connection. Most people will understand and give grace to those who are upfront and accountable for their actions. If you make excuses or do not acknowledge the reasons why you did not follow through, people may not be as understanding. They may feel hurt or disappointed and direct those feelings toward judgement.
When you are accountable, you keep the space clear and clean so there is no distraction from the actual emotions of disappointment or hurt. Those emotions can be processed. Judgements cause tension.
For example you can say “Baking 3 kinds of homemade pies, making scalloped potatoes and having 9 Christmas trees will lead to me being overextended and stressed, causing me to have a crappy holiday; and it is just not worth it.”
When explained this way, people will understand that you are making a choice that is right for you because the original plan will have a negative impact not only on you, but on them. The people who love and care about you ultimately want what is best for you and your explanation will give them clarity about your decision and why you made it. This creates trust and connection.
If you love getting fancy and doing all the little hand-made details and decorations, do that and focus on the joy it brings you. If that is not your idea of a fun time, then prioritize the quality time spent with your family; understanding that just being present with them is enough if that’s what brings you joy.
This is how you set the tone; being congruent (doing what you actually want to do, not what others expect), being clear (with yourself and others) and being accountable if plans change. If you focus on these 3 elements you will create trust and connection with those you care about and you will begin to see that being perfect is not necessary in order to enjoy the holidays.
The struggles associated with perfectionism are usually hard for others to see and hard for the individual to admit. Perfectionists usually appear to have it all together, however, under the surface, there is an ongoing battle raging. People may think being a perfectionist is a …