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Every year as summer comes to a close, we transition into fall and then immediately into the holiday season. It seems to happen pretty quickly and for some people it is exciting and they thrive on the energy and hustle and bustle but for others, …
Whether you are an expectant mother, a new mother or just thinking about trying to conceive, learning about perinatal therapy may be a good idea. The journey of motherhood, at all stages, is a happy one but it can also be stressful and trigger a …
What is hyper-independence?
It can be a coping mechanism that you develop as a result of not having your needs met early in life or when you experience interpersonal trauma. You may feel the need to do things yourself and won’t ask for help because you have learned that it’s not safe to depend on others. Being fiercely independent can be an incredible strength and sometimes there is some pain behind it.
So let’s take a moment to shed some light on it.
Hyper-independence reduces co-dependence. Co-dependence is where you do not focus on your own well-being and instead you are consumed with making sure someone else is happy and safe. Similar to hyper-independence, co-dependence can develop in response to trauma. Hyper-independence is the opposite of codependence so it will make you strong and self-reliant, not looking to others to determine your worth or happiness.
Being hyper independent means you can, and you will, take care of yourself. More than likely you will work hard, accomplish tasks and maintain a lifestyle that is goal-oriented and safe. As a result of feeling like you could not trust others to look out for you, you go above and beyond in your efforts to look out for yourself.
It can be helpful in situations to know that you can get things done and you won’t fall apart if you have to get something done on your own.
But you may start to experience burnout and the pain from your past can start to come to the surface.
The pain that triggers hyper-independence as a trauma response can come from being let down too many times, your trust being betrayed, having to figure out everything on your own in early life, experiencing rejection or abandonment in early life, not feeling like you had anyone to rely on, or needing to be the rock in your family at a young age.
If you have experienced any of this you may feel like being vulnerable or relying on other people will potentially open the door to that pain again and you want to protect yourself from that.
“…hyper-independence is an ingrained emotional response to traumatic events. It’s a form of protective armor to guard against further harm and disappointment.” (“What is Hyper-Indepdence Trauma in Young Adults?” Newport Institute. January 18, 2023. www.newportinstitute.com/resources/mental-health/hyper-independence-trauma)
Hyper-independence can have a negative impact on your relationships including guardedness, secretiveness and mistrust. It’s hard to let your walls down and let someone get close to you.
Sometimes it’s tempting to keep secrets because sharing personal information is giving someone something that can be used against you and that feels scary. Because you have been hurt by someone who let you down in the past, it can be hard to trust a new person, even though they haven’t given you a reason not to trust them. (Marschall, Amy. “Hyper-Independence and Trauma: What’s the Connection?” Very Well Mind. September 19, 2022.. www.verywellmind.com/hyper-independence-and-trauma-5524773)
All types of relationships can be impacted, not just those with a significant other, such as those with friends and family; it can also affect professional relationships at work. “Hyper independence in a professional setting can be a self-destructive behavior that can set you up to fail long term, be excluded from projects and events, and have others view you in a negative way.” (Saxena, Silvi. “Hyper Independence & Trauma: The Connection & 7 Steps for Healing”. Choosing Therapy. August 10, 2022. www.choosingtherapy.com/hyper-independence-trauma/)
It’s important to remember that working through a trauma response is a process that will take time. It’s okay to take small steps because it can be difficult.
Work towards opening up to people who are safe in your life. Safe people show an ability and willingness to listen and be supportive. You can start by allowing them to help you at a pace that feels comfortable and safe. Make an effort to ask for help if you start to feel overwhelmed and remind yourself that this is not a sign of weakness. If someone offers to help you move something or pay, practice saying yes to the offer even if you don’t *need* it.
It’s also helpful to engage in self-care activities and find positive ways to cope with stress.
Therapy can be a good place to start because you can take it slow and work with a professional to identify what the underlying pain or trauma is that has led to you using hyper-independence to cope.
So although independence can be a positive trait, taking it to the extreme can wear you down and have a negative effect on your health and your life. Need help identifying why you have become a hyper-independent individual so that you can heal and start to let people in, feel supported and free to trust people in your life? Contact us, we can help you do the work to address the underlying pain and find ways to have more fulfilling relationships.
It’s super common for parents of teens to come to a session saying that they want their kids to stop being on their phone so much or stop treating home like a hotel. It’s a hard transition when teens start to put so much of …
It’s super easy to get pulled into power struggles with your kids and sometimes it doesn’t seem too obvious until you’re at your limits. So let’s take a look at what this looks like and how to step out of it. What is a power …
Throughout your life you will connect with people you encounter at school, work, and in your personal life. As you develop relationships with different people you will need to utilize a variety of skills to maintain positive, healthy relationships that make life more enjoyable.
In the age of blocking + ghosting, there is one skill that is not getting the attention it deserves: Repair.
Repair is a set of skills required to repair a relationship after a rupture, which is a challenging moment, exchange or experience that creates a disconnection in the relationship. Usually, there are a lot of emotions with this and there is not enough teaching around how to work things out with people you love.
Relationships will experience ups and downs; you will mess up and people you are in a relationship with will mess up too, because we are all human. It’s important to learn through those moments and repair.
Sometimes walking away and just cutting the person off seems like the easiest option but the loss of the relationship can be just as hurtful as the incident that occurred to fracture the relationship. “Healthy repair isn’t about accuracy, explaining, rebuttal, or even about you. It’s about maintaining the connection in the relationship.” (Schwegman, Kristi. “How to Make Repairs in Your Relationships”. Holistic Wellness Practice. September 16, 2021. www.holisticwellnesspractice.com/hwp-blog/2021/09/16/how-to-fix-a-broken-relationship)
There is a lot of information out there about red flags and toxic traits. The truth is, every person has red flag behavior and toxic traits sometimes. If you notice red flags, take the time to assess what they are and how to deal with them.
Be honest with yourself about what the relationship means to you and the pros and cons of maintaining it. Most of the time, the negative behavior is temporary, the person doesn’t live there so ending the relationship is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Repairing a relationship does not mean you just say sorry and move on. It’s important to implement repair strategies that work for you and the other person you are in a relationship with. Let’s talk about some do’s and don’ts.
Don’t pretend it didn’t happen – If you just totally ignore the fact that a problem exists or a behavior/incident occurred then it will just continue to show back up again and again.
Don’t continue to punish the other guy – Using the silent treatment as a punishment is just a way to continue the argument and not let it go which is the opposite of trying to repair. Other ways of “punishing’ the other person can include making comments about past mistakes or reminding them of things they said or did; none of these are helpful if you are trying to repair the relationship.
Don’t fail to apologize. “Apologizing is not about saying that the other person is right, i.e., you’re wrong and she wins the argument, but simply about acknowledging that you hurt the other’s feelings. Apologies are simply about taking responsibility for your side of the argument.” (Taibbi, Robert. ‘After an Argument: The Right Way to Make up”. Psychology Today. June 6, 2018. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201806/after-argument-the-right-way-make)
Do take time to cool off – Take some time to calm down and rationally think about things before you try to talk about it. Also, give the other person time to calm down before you try to talk to them.
Do apologize – Saying sorry is just a small part of apologizing, it’s also important to talk about what happened and address the underlying problem so it doesn’t continue to happen.
Do identify any deeper issues – “Be curious: Dig down, look for the larger pattern that makes the argument merely the tip of the iceberg, then have a conversation about the bigger stuff.” (Taibbi, Robert. ‘After an Argument: The Right Way to Make up”. Psychology Today. June 6, 2018. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fixing-families/201806/after-argument-the-right-way-make)
“No matter what strategies you choose, it is absolutely critical that you master the art of making and receiving repair attempts.” (https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/) Learning to repair effectively is key to maintaining healthy relationships.
The repair checklist is a tool developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman that includes phrases you can use when conversations escalate. Check out the list HERE.
A rupture in a relationship can actually be a chance to make it stronger. All relationships will have problems, it’s how we work through those problems that is most important.
Although there are situations when ending a relationship is necessary, you owe it to yourself to assess the problem and attempt to repair it if at all possible.
It’s a big decision and investment to start therapy. So we want to give you a little information on what to expect so that you can go in with awareness and clarity. The first 6 sessions The first part of therapy is getting the …
If you’re human, you use defense mechanisms even though you might not consciously know it; and so does everyone you know. And when you can actually see them, your communication, problem solving skills, emotional health and relationships improve. Let’s break this down – what they …
A lot of parents bring up phone time and social media use as concerns in sessions. We thought we’d take a minute to talk about this because it’s important for teens, but also for you as adults.
Social media and screen time are here to stay and it’s not all bad.
So let’s learn how to work with it rather than fight against it. On a positive note, these skills of knowing and regulating yourself can be applied to so many areas of life.
Let’s use this area for an opportunity to become better.
You may not consider any amount of screen time ‘healthy’ but the guidance on the acceptable amount of screen time for an individual varies depending on their age. “The American Academy of Pediatrics discourages media use by children younger than 2 and recommends limiting older children’s screen time to no more than one or two hours a day.” (May Clinic Health System | Children and screen time: How much is too much?; Jill Christensen, May 28, 2021)
Some general rules of thumb to follow based on recommendations from various experts in medicine and psychiatry are:
“Experts say adults should limit screen time outside of work to less than two hours per day. Any time beyond that which you would typically spend on screens should instead be spent participating in physical activity.” (Reid Health | How Much Screen Time is Too Much for Adults?). It’s also good that adults set examples for their kids and show them that there are things that are more important in life than being tied to a screen all day.
1. If logging into a social media site, or engaging in some other activity on a screen, is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night, then it may be time for a break.
This just goes to show that your time online has become more important than it should be because you feel like you need it. More than likely you do not realize how dependent you have become on this activity to function or feel fulfilled.
2. Another way you can tell you need to take a break from social media is when you begin to compare yourself to others and never feel good enough. Even without social media we will fall victim to the comparison game because we are human; but too much social media can push us to the point that we are never satisfied with who we are or what we have.
“Social media lacks emotional connection, gives people an avenue to be hurtful, and decreases our face-to-face communication skills. It can drive unneeded jealousy where people see other people’s lives as better than their own.” (Better Humans | 7 Warning Signs You Need a Break from Technology and Social Media These things are telling you that you must take a break; Matthew Royse, June 8, 2022)
3. A third sign that may indicate you need to take a break is that you are withdrawing from others. Social media can feel that space that you would normally use to interact and socialize with friends and family. If you find yourself choosing to stay home and scroll then maybe you have become too comfortable with the online world and you need to get out and connect with real people again.
The important piece here is to learn what your internal signals are and help your kids learn what their internal signals are so they know how to self regulate.
1. It can help you set priorities – A social media detox can help you become more mindful of how you spend your time each day; especially the amount of time you spend on your devices. Once you identify where you are spending time on things that aren’t important, or you feel shouldn’t be important, then you can redirect your attention to the things that you want to be a priority in your life.
2. It can help you relax – We typically think of time spent on social media as relaxing but it can actually be a stressful task that we feel obligated to participate in; therefore, a detox can help you loosen up and relax.
“For one thing, it could lessen the obligations some people associate with constant communication. Responding to new texts, emails, and Facebook messages nonstop can become stressful, and getting away from that—even for just a day—can feel great.” (Self.com | 5 Potential Mental Health Benefits of Deleting Social Media; Lindsey Lanquist, September 2, 2020)
3. It can help you sleep better – If your nightly routine includes scrolling through your phone right before you turn out the light then more than likely you are not able to get to sleep quickly and/or you are not getting quality rest. In one of our past blogs How Does Screen Time Impact Your Mental Health? we shared information on how screen time late in the evenings has a negative effect on sleep habits. (Read more here).
Since studies have shown that there is a connection between screen time and sleep, it’s only natural that a detox would help you sleep better.
The first step is to talk about the plan before you enforce something. Get aligned on your values, with yourself, and your habits as an adult or for you and your partner as parents. Then open up a conversation with your family to reflect about how each person sees themselves being impacted by social media.
If your teen has a minimal response, that’s fine. Just having the question out there is helpful.
The goal is for this to be a conversation first, then, if you feel like you want to implement some changes, you can develop a strategy that works for your family.
It’s important that these changes are talked about in advance, outlined and structured.
This will be more successful than reacting to something in the moment. A reactive approach leads to setting up an arbitrary “rule” that might be hard to uphold and doesn’t yield a long lasting result. Then you’ll be back wrestling with the issue again before you know.
Supporting healthy screen time habits for your family is important and everyone, parents and kids, should be held accountable to uphold the plan. We talk more about ways to support healthy screen time HERE.
Like it or not, social media has, and will continue to, impact your lives, and your children’s lives. Learning how to use it in a way that is healthy and does not take up all your thoughts and time is essential.
There are positive things that come from social media so eliminating it from your life all together may not be the best choice.
Self-awareness is key, learning to recognize when you need to back off or take a break can help you avoid some of the negative effects associated with social media.
This is a big parenting technique that has been taught for decades about how to deal with tantrums and big feelings: just ignore them. And, if we’re being honest, it makes sense coming from a behavioral perspective – reinforce behaviors you want to see more …