Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
It’s only recently that emotional maturity has been the focus of attention and this is great news. Emotional immaturity has been the cause of so much distress in our lives and relationships and now we are learning to do better. The operative word is learning! …
Throughout your life you will connect with people you encounter at school, work, and in your personal life. As you develop relationships with different people you will need to utilize a variety of skills to maintain positive, healthy relationships that make life more enjoyable. In …
The first part of therapy is getting the lay of the land. You are getting to know and trust your therapist and your therapist is getting to know you.
As a therapist gets to know you, of course, there’s the importance of gathering information about the problem that brings you to therapy, as well as your history so that what’s happening now has some context.
Your therapist is also starting to understand how to best ask questions and support you. Some people do much better with sharing about themselves freely and getting feedback, other people might not know where to start and require more structure and direction.
During this time, there’s also the fact that you are looking for some relief for whatever is bringing you to therapy. So your therapist might offer insights, strategies or skills to try, in order to help you start finding a way to get some relief. The relief is important so that you have the bandwidth to do some of the deeper work.
The deeper work is the work you do so that the changes you make over the course of therapy can actually last rather than just being a bandaid.
It’s good to do a check in about goals, how things are going, what you might want more or less of at this point. The relationship you have with a therapist is a relationship like any other, it requires mindful communication to be successful.
This is also really important because it is an opportunity to practice having a direct dialogue about what’s happening in a relationship with someone who knows how to have that kind of conversation. Most of the time, when we have conversations with people in our life about how things are going, it’s anxiety producing and it’s usually about a problem so talking about how the therapeutic relationship is going is incredibly valuable practice. If your therapist asks you about how you feel therapy is going or whether you’re feeling understood and your needs are being met, be honest. You’re not hurting anyone’s feelings, this is the work.
Another thing that might start to happen as you get into the deeper work and you settle into therapy, is that you start seeing things you never saw before: things about yourself, your relationships, your work, your history. This happens because there is someone there who is trained to reflect back without bias and who has an education on human development and family dynamics, who is there to witness your experience and help you look at it.
You might feel like things get a little worse right here. Nothing is getting worse, you’re just seeing more clearly. It’s as if you’re taking objective stock of what’s going on and what has happened. This gives you the opportunity to realistically see the cards you’re dealing with so you can play your hand in the best way possible.
As things are coming to light, hang in there. This is when the real shifts and healing start to happen.
I would say, as long as you feel comfortable with your therapist try to stay in weekly therapy for at least 3 months. This gives enough time for you to really see if it’s working for you.
Three months gives you enough time to start implementing and practicing the things you learn after you get a sense of the cards you’re holding. At that 3 month mark, check in, talk to your therapist about your goals, ask for feedback on progress toward those goals and what to do more or less of.
It’s important to give therapy a fair trial because you don’t want to try therapy for 3 sessions and give up because it wasn’t a good fit with your therapist, or you got triggered, or it was hard…and then think “therapy doesn’t work”. That would be like going to three workouts and saying you don’t have your dream body yet so working out is for the birds. LOL!
If you want to be successful in therapy you have to put in the work. We’ve published some great posts about this. Check out this one and this one to learn more.
If you have a child, teen or are a couple starting therapy, click on the word that pertains to you for more specific guidance on how to be most successful in those situations.
It won’t be easy, but if you can get into it with a willingness to learn about yourself and be open to change, the progress you see over time can be life changing.
Ghosting your therapist is an option, but I wouldn’t recommend it. The relationship with your therapist is a laboratory where you can safely practice skills that you need for successful relationships outside of therapy.
So if relationship and communication skills is one of the things you’ve been working on in therapy, consider this your time to put the skills you’ve learned to the test. Of course, this will be easier if you and your therapist have had clear communication on progress toward your goals throughout therapy.
You’re not there to protect your therapists’ feelings, so if you feel like you’ve met your goals or reached a stopping point for now, bring it to your therapist. Make a plan.
It might mean you go down in frequency of sessions so you can practice skills in between and troubleshoot or refine once a month. It might mean knowing that you can come back anytime.
Having a clear conversation will make it easier for you to re-enter the relationship later. Your therapist will always welcome you back, but you might have resistance to reaching out for support if you don’t feel proud of how you ended things.
What I find is that the most successful clients in therapy like to stay once they’re reached their initial goals because they see how effective their investment can be, so they make the support a long term staple of their self care practice.
If you’ve read self development books, been to therapy, studied psychology or follow emotional intelligence, therapy or trauma informed accounts on social media, chances are you’ve developed a good deal of self awareness about your “stuff”. We’ve all been handed experiences or circumstances in our …
If you’re human, you use defense mechanisms even though you might not consciously know it; and so does everyone you know. And when you can actually see them, your communication, problem solving skills, emotional health and relationships improve. Let’s break this down – what they …
There’s a lot of information out there about abandonment issues, but what about self abandonment? And why is self abandonment a problem?
Abandonment issues are essentially the fear of being left. Usually because an important figure was not present when you were young. The way this shows up is through having an anxious attachment. See our previous post about this HERE.
However, self-abandonment is a little different than having general abandonment issues so let’s break it down for easier understanding.
Self-abandonment is basically when you disregard or neglect your own needs, wants or feelings. Maybe you feel like you don’t really matter or maybe you think other people are more important so you put their needs above yours.
“Self-abandonment can take on the form of ignoring, or not trusting, our deepest instincts. This can look like dismissing gut feelings, constantly deferring to others to make the ‘right’ decisions, and second-guessing everything we do.” (Ahmed, Sarah. “Everything you Need to Know about Self-Abandonment”. Well Nest. April 8, 2021. https://www.wellnest.ca/post/here-is-why-you-self-abandon)
There are lots of other ways that self-abandonment can present for individuals, like hiding who you really are or how you feel about certain things, constantly blaming yourself or judging yourself harshly, or always focusing on pleasing others even if it’s at your own expense.
This behavior is usually learned in childhood as a result of emotional neglect because skills on how to take care of yourself and manage emotions in a positive way are not developed. Fortunately, this behavior can be unlearned and you can develop skills to deal with difficult emotions at any age or stage in life. (Gigante, Amanda. “What is Self-Abandonment”. The Center for Growth. https://www.thecenterforgrowth.com/tips/what-is-self-abandonment)
Self-abandonment can result in low self-esteem. If you dismiss your own feelings on a regular basis then you are not valuing your opinion or prioritizing what is important to you which can make you feel like you don’t matter and are not worthy of love or attention.
Another result of this behavior can be turning to unhealthy coping habits.
“Self-abandonment can lead to addictive behavior like over-using substances, or spending hours “zoning out” on social media. If we feel an unbearable emotion and we don’t have the resources to manage it, we might grab for something to dull the pain.” (Gigante, Amanda. “What is Self-Abandonment”. The Center for Growth. https://www.thecenterforgrowth.com/tips/what-is-self-abandonment)
Coping in this way will keep you from truly handling problems that you are experiencing so you can move forward.
Self-abandonment can also prevent you from developing deep, meaningful relationships with others. If you are always trying to please your partner, friend, co-worker, etc. the relationship will be one sided and remain at surface level. In order to have a healthy relationship with someone you have to get to know one another for who they really are and they will never get to know you if you are hiding how you really feel or what you really want.
Self-love is the opposite of self-abandonment and learning to love yourself will help you heal.
First, it’s important to acknowledge that your feelings and needs are just as important as the feelings and needs of others. It’s not selfish to love and take care of yourself, actually it’s necessary!
You can build on this by learning to allow your emotions, learning to set boundaries that honor your peace and learning to speak up or advocate for yourself.
These things are not easy, especially in the beginning. And, they are essential to honoring yourself. These are some basic skills we teach in therapy. And, it’s helpful to work with a therapist so that you can see and work through what gets in the way of being able to honor yourself. (Menjivar, Jackie. “What is self-abandonment? STOP PUTTING EVERYONE ELSE’S NEEDS BEFORE YOUR OWN”. I Don’t Mind. August 19, 2022. https://idontmind.com/journal/what-is-self-abandonment)
Learning to take care of yourself by placing value on how you feel and what is important to you may take some practice. If you need help working through self-abandoning behaviors, contact us, we are here to help.
One of the most important things to understand in relationships is your attachment style. It demystifies so much. When you don’t know your attachment style, things you do and feel in your relationships either feel very personal about your partner or about yourself. For example: …
Fighting in relationships is inevitable and, actually, important. The couples I worry about most are the ones that don’t fight. Because it means it’s harder to get to what’s really going on. Fighting can be what comes before a new level of intimacy, a step …
Asking a child to be “good” or telling them to be “good” slips out so easily. It’s just so ingrained in us to use these words, and the truth is they are words that carry some really strong conditioning that we don’t even know is being transmitted. Being “good” essentially means “well behaved” or “doing things right”. When you stop to really reflect on that, what’s “good” and “right” is changing, isn’t it?
Sometimes families come to therapy worried that their little girls don’t speak up for themselves, or engage in people pleasing behavior and worry that they will succumb to peer pressure when they’re older. Or that their little girls are anxious or depressed. Oftentimes that comes from trying to “be good” and they are rewarded for “behaving”.
So let’s talk about what Good Girl Conditioning looks like and find some ways we can take a more conscious approach.
Lots of young girls are taught to always be polite and considerate of other people’s feelings, even if it compromises their own feelings or happiness. This leads to them seeking perfection and saying yes to things they really don’t agree with or want to do.
When we are girls we are taught that being good means to “never show our anger, allow people to violate our boundaries, and to hide our own needs to please others”. Unfortunately, if that is what it takes to be ‘good’ then that means “we aren’t able to say we’re uncomfortable, tell someone ‘no’ (set a boundary), or express how we truly feel”. (LePera, Nicole [@the.holistic.psychologist]. “Good Girl Conditioning” Instagram, October 21, 2022, https://www.instagram.com/p/CkZclKKvbWS/)
When girls, and eventually women, subscribe to this way of thinking then they end up always trying to do what it takes to be liked or be what everyone wants her to be, instead of being her true self.
“Research suggests this gender bias starts early in childhood. Girls are more emotionally mature and better behaved, and hence they take their parents’ “please be good” guidance on board from an earlier age.” (Schrader, Jessica. “5 Ways to Stop Being the Good Girl and Start Getting Stronger.” Psychology Today, Sussex Publishers, 21 Feb. 2018, https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-path-passionate-happiness/201802/5-ways-stop-being-the-good-girl-and-start-getting-stronger.)
This continues and girls feel a need to be “good” by getting the best grades in school, impressing their boss by doing more than their share at work or focusing on their outward appearance and being liked by everyone in the social scene.
Unfortunately, society actually encourages girls to put the needs of others before themselves and insinuates going along quietly and remaining loyal at all costs are the qualities that make them good so it’s our job to teach them differently.
If you’re raising girls, there are a couple of things you can do to teach your girls to be powerful, emotionally intelligent and know how to function in society.
First, you can teach basic emotional intelligence skills. These are the building blocks needed to create a solid foundation that ensures she knows how to handle emotions appropriately and not just try to be good. Learn more HERE about how to instill emotional maturity in your kids or visit this past blog post ‘An easy way to raise your child’s emotional intelligence’.
Second is clearly communicating that even if you’re angry, frustrated, irritated, everyone is OK and you love them. Let your children know that you are human and you will experience these emotions, and so will they. Feeling these emotions does not mean you don’t love them or that they need to be someone different than who they are. If a child thinks they can be “good” enough to stop you from experiencing these emotions they will never succeed and they will feel like it’s their fault.
Third is being objective about rules and expectations in different settings, rather than connecting following rules and expectations to whether they are a good or bad girl. For instance, at school there’s a rule that says you can’t wear costumes, so costumes are for when you are not at school. Or, school / public places are not appropriate settings for a certain behavior like touching themselves (yes, kids do and it doesn’t mean something is wrong) or screaming; that’s something to do when you have privacy, or you’re outside, etc.
Finally, teaching about how to communicate boundaries. It’s important for them to know how to speak up for themselves and that it’s okay to speak up for themselves. You can practice certain statements with them and give them examples of how to say things in a way that is respectful and not rude like “I don’t like that”, “no thank you”, “this is feeling uncomfortable”. You can also model this by speaking up for yourself when you are in a situation that you’re not okay with.
Fortunately, with some work, it is possible to unlearn what we are taught when we are young. Dr. Nicola LePera – The Holistic Psychologist – explains, “It’s not our role to get approval from other people around us. Our role is to understand and connect to our emotions, to understand and clearly express our needs, to place boundaries or limits to keep ourselves safe, and to fully express ourselves.”
1 – Recognize your emotional limits
2 – Know your needs
3 – Place Boundaries
4 – Accept you aren’t for everyone
Click HERE to learn more about each
(Facebook. LePera, Dr. Nicole [The Holistic Psychologist]. Unlearning Good Girl Conditioning. Facebook, November 2, 2022, https://www.facebook.com/the.holistic.psychologist/posts/so-many-of-you-resonated-with-my-last-post-on-good-girl-conditioning-i-decided-t/423162276687562/)
Unlearning means accepting that it’s okay to upset other people when you are honoring your boundaries, that doesn’t make you a bad person, it makes you human. You have needs just like everyone else and what you need or want in your life is just as important as the needs of others.
Unlearning means expecting other people to have boundaries about what they will and will not accept and giving yourself permission to have your own boundaries as well. Everyone will encounter people that don’t like them or that they just don’t mesh with, this is totally normal and does not determine anyone’s worth as a person.
As adults, we want to strive to be mindful of our words and the messages we are sending to young girls. We want to raise girls that are emotionally intelligent and do not fear expressing their emotions skillfully or allowing others to experience their emotions.. It’s important to teach them to voice their needs and how to deal with conflict in a positive way while advocating for themselves.
If you find yourself being long winded, can’t fit your written response into the allotted space, you use lots of parentheses when you write, you find the need to explain every no or if someone double texts or emails you because you didn’t respond… this …