If you notice your child suddenly self-conscious, saying “I’m not good at anything,” and comparing themselves to their friends, this might seem out of character and concerning.
You should know this is not a failure in parenting, it’s actually a common developmental stage. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to watch, but there are things you can do to support them.
Let’s talk about why this happens and how you can help.
Why Confidence Dips in Late Elementary / Middle School
You will often see a dip in confidence for kids in late elementary and middle school because this is a period where a lot of major changes are happening. This includes physical, social, and emotional changes.
They start to identify ways they measure up or compare to others, like how they look, how they perform in school, if they are popular or have some of the same interests as their peers; and this can lead to them doubting themselves or thinking something is wrong with them if they are different in any way.
They start to care more about what their peers think, so fitting in becomes important and they don’t want to stand out. In addition, this is a time when schoolwork becomes more challenging, and expectations from teachers and parents are a little higher, and this can make them feel like they aren’t able to keep up or can overwhelm them.
Emotions also become a little more intense due to hormonal changes and rapid brain development. So anything challenging, even the small challenges, can feel really big.
“Your child might show strong feelings and intense emotions, and their moods might seem unpredictable. These emotional ups and downs happen partly because your child is still learning how to control and express emotions in a grown-up way.”
(“Social and emotional changes: pre-teens and teenagers.” Raising Children. August 7, 2024. https://raisingchildren.net.au/pre-teens/development/social-emotional-development/social-emotional-changes-9-15-years)
Signs Your Child May Be Struggling
Some common signs that a child may be struggling with self-esteem could include:
- They criticize themselves: Saying things like “I can’t do anything right,” or “Nobody likes me.” or “It’s my fault.”
- They avoid hard things: Refusing to try new activities or give up easily when something they try is difficult.
- They withdraw: Avoiding friends, group activities, or any type of situation where they might feel judged.
- They frequently compare themselves to others: Often bring up how they’re not as good as someone else, like a classmate, sibling, or friend.
- They need constant approval: Asking over and over if they did a good job or if you are happy with something, making sure you are not mad with them.
- They experience frequent mood or behavior changes: Increased crying, frustration, irritability, sadness, quietness.
These are some of the signs but of course, every child is different, so there could be others. If several changes in behavior, similar to these, appear consistently it could indicate that they are struggling with self-esteem.
How You Can Support Healthy Self-Esteem
Supporting healthy self-esteem in your adolescent includes providing reassurance and opportunities for them to succeed. It’s important to create an environment where they feel valued, capable, and understood.
One of the main components to supporting your child is to show unconditional love and acceptance. They need to know that your love doesn’t depend on grades, appearance, or performance and that none of those things determine what type of person they are on the inside, which is what really matters.
Setting realistic expectations is important. You want them to do their best, and you should encourage that, but make sure they know you don’t expect perfection. Talk to them about how growing and improving should be the goal, not just trying to achieve a certain result. Share how some of the mistakes you made in your life provided opportunities for you to learn.
Your child probably won’t tell you this but they want you to listen to them and validate their feelings. Even if their opinions and emotions seem off base or inappropriate, take them seriously. If they feel heard, it will build trust and confidence with them.
“No matter what your child’s self-esteem may be, try to keep helping them feel as good as possible about themselves. Remain sensitive to what they are feeling. Recognize and acknowledge their efforts and gains. Stay flexible and supportive in the way you approach their difficulties. Accept your child as the person they are, and help them feel good about the person they are becoming.” (
“Signs of Low Self-Esteem in Children & Teens.” HealthyChildren.org. October 27, 2022. https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/gradeschool/Pages/Signs-of-Low-Self-Esteem.aspx)
Finally, a very important way to support your child’s self-esteem is to let them see positive self-esteem modeled by you.
Speak kindly about yourself. Kids learn by watching how adults handle mistakes and if they see you being self critical when you mess up they think that is okay and they way they should react when they are in a similar position.
How Therapy Helps
Therapy can provide a safe and supportive space for your child to explore their thoughts, feelings and experiences which can be helpful for a child struggling with low self-esteem. A trained therapist can help your child identify negative self-beliefs and learn healthier, more realistic ways of thinking.
They can use techniques to help them build coping skills, improve their self-talk, and develop confidence in their abilities. It can be hard for kids to manage their emotions because they don’t understand them. Therapy can help them understand their emotions, practice social skills, and set goals that are achievable so they feel a sense of accomplishment.
Therapists will often work with the parents as well, to teach strategies for how they can reinforce positive self-esteem at home. This creates a consistent environment of support and encouragement. After participating in therapy, children can come to view themselves with greater compassion and self-worth.
Parenting during late childhood to adolescence comes with new challenges and it can be hard watching your child’s confidence decrease and their self-esteem suffer.
However, by consistently offering support, respect, and encouragement, you can help your child build a strong sense of confidence and resilience that will serve them well into adulthood. If you are entering this phase of parenthood and you need support, contact us, we are here to help.
