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It’s super common for parents of teens to come to a session saying that they want their kids to stop being on their phone so much or stop treating home like a hotel. It’s a hard transition when teens start to put so much of …
It’s super easy to get pulled into power struggles with your kids and sometimes it doesn’t seem too obvious until you’re at your limits. So let’s take a look at what this looks like and how to step out of it. What is a power …
Being physically drained and emotionally drained are not the same thing. Even though they can sometimes look similar.
Why is it helpful to know if you’re emotionally drained?
It can save you a fight and it can help you take better care of yourself because being emotionally drained is not something we really know to watch out for and often minimize it thinking: “I shouldn’t be tired”.
This is especially important for people who are highly sensitive, empathic, introverted or (if you’re familiar with Human Design) non-energy types like Projectors, Manifestors or Reflectors.
Knowing when you’re emotionally drained starts with identifying the signs leading up to this state, so let’s talk about what they are.
Ever opened an email and been like “I can’t”… and then you go back later and realize it wasn’t that big of a deal? You don’t know why, but in that moment, a small task felt overwhelming.
The same thing can happen with your kids when you ask them to do a chore or they’re trying to do homework. If they’re navigating emotional intensity that’s going on at home or school, a small task feels like a big ask because they only have so much emotional bandwidth, and at the moment, it’s maxed out.
There is no more energy or headspace left to deal with a situation because you don’t have the emotional capacity to take on anything else, even something minor.
Just like physical growth spurts, there are such things as emotional growth spurts. So if your kid is going through a period of time where they are getting especially overwhelmed, this could possibly be what’s going on.
If this is happening, develop a practice of taking the overwhelm as a sign to take some space to do something else completely, and come back to it later. Or a sign that it’s a good time to pair back on extra activities, projects, tasks.
For a kid, let them play but try to avoid screen time because that doesn’t let them metabolize emotion. It’s better for them to move or go with you on an errand, something that can engage them and create a break. If this is happening for you, go do something you enjoy that recharges you, then come back.
This is your time to tag yourself out. Give yourself permission to take a break because that’s what you need. Allow extra grace and compassion here and downshift to just covering the basics. You will be more upset with yourself if you continue to make mistakes that have to be corrected, then if it takes you longer to complete a task due to taking a break and taking it slow.
Same thing if this starts showing up for your child.
Instead of getting critical and trying to get more strict around mistakes, simply realize, oh, this is time for rest. Don’t focus on the mistakes, focus on what is leading to the mistakes which is the need to rest and take a break.
Usually if you or your child start doing this, you’re not necessarily aware that you’re drained. This is just how the mind/body/brain starts to go into energy conservation mode.
So, start to pay attention when easy mistakes start happening so you can recognize that this is your system’s way of letting you know you need to power down.
Listening to your body and your performance will give you good indicators about what is happening inside of you and what you need.
There’s something about getting into a space of overwhelm that causes you to lose all sense of time and reality.
“Emotional dysregulation refers to difficulty in regulating emotions. It can manifest in several ways, such as feeling overwhelmed by seemingly minor things, struggling to control impulsive behaviors, or having unpredictable outbursts.”(Medical News Today | What is emotional dysregulation?; Zia Sherrell, MPH on April 7, 2022)
Your thoughts and general outlook are clouded by your emotions and it feels like it always will be and always has been this way.
Dysregulation is temporary, especially when we are able to see the dysregulation is happening. Obviously, it will persist longer if we don’t do something about it.
So when you find yourself experiencing feelings of despair, saying or thinking that something will “always be” and “never will be”, it’s likely that you are emotionally drained.
Same thing goes for your kid. When you start to hear “always” and “never”, then you know it’s time to recharge and reset.
You see kids resisting sleep the most when they are overtired and likewise, people resist situations that require emotional stability as a result of being overwhelmed emotionally.
So the guidance is to start observing yourself and others for the cues you get signaling that you are emotionally drained.
A lot of parents bring up phone time and social media use as concerns in sessions. We thought we’d take a minute to talk about this because it’s important for teens, but also for you as adults. Social media and screen time are here to …
Parental burnout is real. And, it’s coming up a lot right now. Summer is over, kids are adjusting to the routine of being back in school, pandemic restrictions and concerns have largely been lifted… yet many parents may be finding themselves exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed and …
This is a big parenting technique that has been taught for decades about how to deal with tantrums and big feelings: just ignore them. And, if we’re being honest, it makes sense coming from a behavioral perspective – reinforce behaviors you want to see more of and ignore behaviors you want to see less of.
This strategy points to something very important which is your attention; as a parent, it is the most VALUABLE thing you can give your child. So, yes, you want to be intentional about how you give it.
Let’s take a second to consider how you can use that tool in the most efficient and productive way.
This is an important question because how you treat your child’s feelings is how they learn to treat their own feelings. In addition, it’s also how they learn to treat other people’s feelings.
Do you actually want to teach your child to ignore their feelings? Or, respond by punishing themselves for their feelings?
If your feelings were ignored or punished when you were growing up, it’s helpful to reflect on the impact this has on how you relate to your own emotions.
Do you see how that impacts how you relate to other people’s feelings?
If you were told not to cry, do you find yourself telling people not to worry or not to make a big deal out of things? Or judging people (even if you don’t tell them) for worrying or “making a big deal”?
None of this comes from an uncaring place. It’s just how we have been taught on a collective level.
The question is, now with more awareness, how would you like to teach your kids to deal with their feelings, knowing that when they are grown up they will have a relationship with their emotions and the emotions of others based on what you show them?
As a parent you want to address your kids’ emotions and use strategies that are helpful in the present; but also try to think ahead about how you are shaping healthy habits for them in adulthood.
Even by asking this question, it immediately highlights that we have some collective black and white thinking about how to respond to emotions.
A good place to start is: what do I think is a healthy way to respond to emotions?
Next, a good question to ask is: am I doing that with my emotions now and modeling that to my kids?
And, finally: how can I teach what I consider to be a healthy way of dealing with feelings to my child in the moments they are having a tantrum or big feelings.
If our kids regularly see us lose our temper then they will think that’s a normal and acceptable response when they get upset. Then when you try to redirect their tantrum or other negative behavior, what you are asking them to do will not line up with what they he seen you do; for a child that can be confusing.
“Provide positive consequences when your child behaves appropriately. Praise him for managing his feelings well and point out good behavior…”
“The goal is to teach him socially appropriate ways to deal with his big feelings. By teaching him healthier ways to express himself, you’re giving him a lesson to use throughout his life.” (verywellfamily.com | How to deal with Temper Tantrums; Amy Morin, LCSW | May 29, 2021)
Start teaching your children about emotions early so that they can get comfortable with them and know that they are a part of life. We recently discussed how you can instill emotional maturity in your kids, you can check that blog out HERE.
Everyone has different beliefs and values, so this post is about helping you clarify yours for yourself.
Teaching kids about emotions happens mostly through modeling. So, whatever you want to teach your child, model it, don’t just teach about it in the moment. They are always watching. Modeling your behavior comes more naturally than them having to remember the thing you taught them about feelings..
One way to slow things down and come into the moment is to reflect back to them: there are some big emotions right now and that’s OK. I’m here with you.
If your child is doing unsafe things to express emotion, simply focus words/actions/boundaries on being safe. Safety should be the priority and correcting the behavior can be the focus once the safety concern has been addressed.
If your child is old enough, debrief later, teach with a couple short sentences so they can integrate the experience and learn about how to be with emotion better next time. Sometimes talking about their emotions, outside of the emotional event, means they are more receptive to listening and accepting that their behavior was not the best choice of how to handle it.
As a parent your main goal is to have a healthy, happy child that goes on to be a happy, healthy adult. That happens through considering how your actions and reactions to behaviors now can affect how they cope and respond to the big feelings they will experience later in life.
There’s a lot more information about trauma out there on social media now, which is great because it elevates collective awareness around trauma and how it impacts our daily lives. You’ve probably heard of flight or flight as responses to trauma triggers, but you may …
It’s never too early to begin laying the foundation for emotional maturity. Kids will take on what you, as the parent, create as the norm. I recently witnessed a two year old take a full body breath after she started whining, when her mom guided …
It’s almost that time! We thought we’d take a moment to talk about preparing to return to school. Transitions can be tough for kids AND adults.
For some families, it might be ‘sweet relief’ to get into the structure and flow of a school year; for others, it might be a battle.
So let’s see what we can do to make it as smooth as possible.
If you know that getting up early isn’t the easiest in your house, start easing into an earlier bedtime a couple of weeks in advance instead of trying to get every last ounce out of summer and then have a rude awakening (or many rude awakenings) that no one in your house is prepared for.
This may not just be an issue for the kids but for you as a parent as well. The summer routine is usually more relaxed for everyone, not just the kids. You may not have had to wake up as early over the last couple of months since you didn’t have to get the kids to school. So your morning and bedtime schedules may have been affected.
Some kids handle transitions really well and some need more support when things change. Does your child usually have a hard time transitioning into a new school year? Do they get nervous?
If your child or family needs time to transition, maybe it means not participating in camps or going on vacation the last couple of weeks before the school year starts. Instead, make plans to have a buffer, recharge, decompression week before the first day of school.
It’s also important to talk about the changes that are coming and open discussions about what to expect, what they might be anxious about and how they will deal with their feelings if they start to get overwhelmed.
Is this a year where there is a big jump academically? LIke 3rd grade, 6th or 9th?
Is there a school change?
Did one of your child’s close friends move away and won’t be in school with them this year?
All of these are big changes that can have big impacts on your child emotionally.
If there are big changes, it might be helpful to relax expectations. The jump from elementary to middle school and middle school to high school is a big deal and the workload increases at each of those transitions. So kids may need a few less chores when they get home in the evenings so they can spend more time studying or getting extra rest for the next day.
Going to a new school, whether it’s because of a move or due to “graduating” from elementary or middle school, being in a new, unfamiliar building can cause anxiety.
Visiting the school a couple times before the first day can be helpful so it all doesn’t feel foreign. Knowing where their classrooms are, where the office, cafeteria, gym, etc. is, can help your child feel more comfortable when school begins. You could also take some time to walk the route to school or find a buddy that will be in their classroom or grade that they can connect with.
When it comes to school anxiety, The Child Mind Institute suggests, “If your child needs extra support to make a successful transition, let someone at school know — their teacher, an aide, the school psychologist or the school nurse.” (The Child Mind Institute | Back to School Anxiety, Caroline Miller | https://childmind.org/article/back-school-anxiety/). This way staff will know the signs to look for and can assist them if needed.
Once school starts things start to get busy and your calendar starts to fill up with fall activities, but it’s important to remember to check in with your child and see how things are going.
It might be helpful to set a reminder in your calendar or phone to check in after a couple of weeks to see how things are going with new teachers or new homework routines/expectations. They may be struggling with something and haven’t shared it with you but if you make a point to check in and ask questions, hopefully they will open up if they have any problems or concerns.
Hopefully your child, and your whole family, has enjoyed the summer and has some great memories from it. If that’s true, then it’s kind of sad to say goodbye to that fun time knowing it will be a whole year before you can have another one.
Most kids, and adults, need and want closure for things in their lives, it helps to cope and move forward. When one thing ends abruptly and something new immediately takes its place, it can be hard to accept.
It might be cool to wrap up the summer by creating a ritual where you do something as a family to reflect on the summer, express gratitude for the different experiences each year and, then talk about intentions or what everyone is looking forward to in the new school year. This could be a tradition that your kids can look forward to every year and while it wraps up or marks the end of summer it also builds excitement for the new school year.
This way, you have a clear ending of summer and beginning of the new school year. And you practice bringing gratitude, intentionality and presence.
We have a few other tips that we shared in a past blog on back to school, you can check it out HERE.
Does your child struggle with going back to school or transitions in general? Contact us, we can help.
There is no parent in the world that wakes up and says “I’m going to be a terrible parent today”. As a parent you are doing your very best, and sometimes it can seem like doing your best means that your parenting needs to be …