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The topic of chores tends to come up in therapy for a number of reasons. Sometimes it is because parents are exhausted. Or, it is an inquiry into what is realistic. And other times it is because learning responsibility (and independence) is what would be …
Month after month, these 5 posts from our blog have the most visitors. And there is good reason for it! These posts also contain information that I most often share with my clients at least once over the course of treatment. Have you seen these? …
For parents, it can come up around whether to mandate that a child follow through with something like a sports commitment. For adults, it can come up around whether to stay at a demanding job or work through issues in friendships or relationships.
Those a just a couple of common examples… there are lots of circumstances that bring up this quandary.
While I wish I had a tip to share with you that would let you know every time without fail, there isn’t a “one size fits all” answer. Like with any complex life decision, the answer is “it depends”.
The good news is: I can share some guidance about what it depends on so you can start to develop a formula for yourself and your kid(s) about when to push through and when to let go.
Much of the reason these moments come up for you or your child is to learn and grow. Usually approaching something like this is not best solved by just ignoring, avoiding, being reactive or finding the easiest way out. Best to give it your attention.
If you hang on too long, you might struggle with blaming yourself or doubting your internal wisdom. If you give up easily, you might struggle with feeling empowered and confident that you can face and meet challenges. Of course, it is not so cut and dried, but these are just basic outlines.
Here, it’s good for you to look at your patterns in these kinds of cross roads in the past and consider how that could inform this current decision.
Maybe this is a good time to try out a different way of approaching things?
When you push through, did you find that was a good choice? Were you glad you stuck with it? How does that relate to the current circumstance?
When you have let go of things in the past, did you find that was a good choice? Were you glad you let it go? How does that inform the current circumstance?
For example, if you are establishing a workout routine, do you only resist in getting started, but you always feel better afterward? That’s a good indicator that it is best to push through the resistance.
Does your child have resistance before going to practice and hates it afterward as well and any time the topic comes up? Maybe a good indicator that this is not the right sport at this time. It doesn’t mean you have to give up on having your child be active, but it may mean mandating that they pick something active to do regularly, but they have the freedom to choose.
When it comes to relationships, do you tend to allow too many boundary crossings (interactions that are not OK with you) and then blow up or cut off? This one can be a mix. You push through by communicating your boundary and let go of being “the nice one”. If that doesn’t go over well, then you know some space in the relationship or less investment in the relationship may be best.
One of my personal “tells” is irritation. I can be resistant to something, but push through and be happy about it or at least feel relief. If I am irritated and in a negative mood regularly in relation to something in my life, it means I need to let go and get space. It’s taken time for me to learn that and see the pattern, but it is very reliable.
When you look at the situation, is there an opportunity to practice something that is being presented to you?
Is it a chance to learn how to work through a challenge?
Is it an opportunity to practice something you have not been good at historically?
Is being attuned to your inner knowing (or your child’s feelings) something that happens less than you would like and it is important to do that now?
Is it important just to show up right now when you want to run away or avoid?
You want to look at your priorities and long term objectives.
Right now, are you teaching your child about commitment? Or are you teaching your child about listening to and trusting their natural response?
Trusting a natural response is important to cultivate so a child can sense what is right for them in the future, so they know what people are safe or not safe or so they know what they want to pursue in life.
Commitment is important to learn so your child can meet challenges and thrive.
Both of those things are important, but what is it that your child will benefit from most right now? There might be different times to practice each of these things.
When it comes to you, what are you working on right now? What is important for you to practice?
How many times have you been in a conversation with a well meaning loved one and you were told something like “don’t cry”, “don’t worry”, “at least xyz didn’t happen” or “you know what you should do….”? What happened next? Did you feel heard? Did …
Therapy is not cheap. It requires resources. Both time and money, obviously. But in order for it to be as effective as possible, it requires your energy and attention. I think therapy can benefit most people, regardless of how well or how poorly life seems …
One way kids learn about how to talk about and handle emotions is from their parents, both directly and indirectly. How you handle emotions (yours and theirs) makes a significant impact.
Yes, like literally being able to name a feeling.
It seems too simple, but as leading author, psychiatrist and mental health expert, Daniel Siegel, M. D. says: you have to “name it to tame it”.
Essentially, emotions want to be seen. Sometimes just acknowledging them is enough to have them process and evaporate.
As a baby, you might reflect it back to them “oh, you feel frustrated”. Just like you talk to them to help their brain develop on so many levels. You talk to them to help them develop a vocabulary and dialogue around emotions.
You can ask them what they think other kids are feeling like their siblings, friends or other kids you encounter in the world who are having big feelings.
This helps your child pair their internal state with the word. Eventually, they will internalize that understanding and be able to label the feelings for themselves. Again, labeling the feeling can sometimes be enough to metabolize and resolve the emotion that has come up.
When you ask them how they think other children are feeling, that helps them with social connections, developing a sense of empathy and attunement. It teaches them to reflect on other’s emotional states naturally.
Sometimes that is because a person wants to hide an emotion that seems unacceptable, even simply because of societal standards. We worry about being viewed as intolerant or “not nice” if irritation or anger comes up.
“If I were in your position, I might feel pretty mad about that.”
“It would be understandable if that upset you.”
“I wouldn’t blame you for being frustrated about that.”
“I think a lot of people might feel sad in that same situation”
And then leave it. No need to say anything further or have them agree.
These are simply ways to make space for there to be emotion.
Your child or teenager doesn’t have to acknowledge that is the way they feel or might even fully reject your statement. That’s OK.
If you are not sure what the emotion is, you might simply replace the specific emotion with “feel something”. For example: “It would be understandable if you felt something about that”.
Reflecting about feelings leads to acknowledgement of feelings, which leads to better emotional regulation and increased ability to problem solve and communicate.
Feelings will occur whether they are acknowledged or not. Better to have them be part of conscious awareness rather than stored in the body or stored away for a big eruption of emotion at some later date.
If you would love further support around raising emotionally resilient kids, contact us!
A few weeks ago, we talked about how important it is to consider the possibility that what other people do is not always about you. People are responding to you in accordance to their own past, their own assumptions and their own tendencies. This is …
Our very own Anna Pirkl, MFT, ATR, LADAAC partnered with South Bay Families Connected and created this wonderful series of short videos to support you in staying motivated during distance learning. I know everyone can use some support in this area. I love how the …
This comes up a lot. I get that it is confusing.
How can an interaction between two people not be personal? Meaning, how can you not take what someone does or says personally???
Well, it FEELS personal. Of course.
The things is, most of what people do is about them, not about you. In so many ways.
It’s helpful to understand this about yourself (how you act is about you) and about others (how they act is largely about them).
You are the person who is involved in the interaction that brought about a certain response. Yes, that is true. However, it’s more like you participated in an interaction that was a trigger or inspiration for a certain response.
So much of human response comes from past experiences and conditioning. It comes from personality. It comes from where someone is in that particular moment when an interaction occurs.
Do the mean words feel personal to the receiver? Yes.
How is it not personal?
The partner who said something mean is upset. That is the way they chose to handle their feelings. Maybe because that is how they’ve learned to defend themselves (get on the offense) or that is how they have learned how to fight. Not personal. Feels super personal, though.
Just because it is not personal does not mean it is OK.
The thing is, taking it personally would detract from the important process information: your partner fights by saying mean things. Is that how you want to work through problems in your relationship? That is the place you want to focus. You can argue and get all tangled up in feelings taking the mean thing your partner said personally, but then you never get to the important point so you can grow as a couple.
Let’s look at another example.
Does it feel personal? 100%
Is it? No.
It is how they are choosing to deal with their feelings and the issue coming up. Maybe this is what was modeled to them in their family about how to handle difficult moments. Maybe people in their family screamed and yelled and that was super uncomfortable, so they made the choice to never argue. They are giving the silent treatment because of them.
So what can you do? When things are better, approach that topic of the silent treatment. You might share what it’s like for you on the other side of that. You might find a way to compassionately ask why they handle things that way. Maybe it is too sensitive and it would be better to talk about this in a couples therapy session.
Does that mean they don’t love you? No.
They absolutely love you. What parent does not love their child??
How each parent shows that love is different, that is for sure. People often show love in the same way they were shown love, not how they think the person they are loving deserves to be loved.
That definitely feels personal. You might even get caught up wondering if what your best friend said is true about you.
Why isn’t it personal? People who tend to be critical were often raised by a critical parent so they have that dialogue going on inside all the time, you just happened to hear it out loud. They might be in a career that is based around critique or finding flaws and that is how they tend to look at things. They might unknowingly use it as an avoidance strategy to push you away when they need space.
Can you see how none of those possibilities have to do with you?
And how you could be in a fight with your best friend, lose a friendship or even spend days thinking about your best friend’s comment when it had very little to do with you?
I could continue with lots of examples.
The point is to help you start considering the possibility that something someone does or says may have very little to do with you.
This can save you a lot of time and struggle.
It also creates space for you to consider what you are bringing to interactions that is about you and not others. We’ll look at that in the next post.
If you want to go deeper with this, I highly recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
The fear of intimacy. I know. Most people have a hard time wrapping their head around the fact that people experience a fear of intimacy and a strong desire for it at the same time. What makes it even more crazy is fear that shows …