Many people go to therapy because they want to feel better, and that is understandable. But it’s important to recognize that feeling better and getting better are not always the same thing. Let’s talk about the differences and what your expectations for therapy should be.
Temporary relief vs lasting change
It is not a bad thing to want relief when you are struggling with stress, anxiety, or emotional pain. Going to therapy can help reduce suffering to give you that relief and help you cope and feel more stable.
Although getting rid of the discomforting feelings is a priority, there are underlying issues that need to be resolved.
You can leave a therapy session feeling reassured, validated, or calmer than when you arrived. Of course feeling this way can be a valuable step in the right direction, but this alone doesn’t create lasting change on its own.
When you discuss something that you have been struggling with during therapy, the interaction can help you make sense of what is going on and validate your feelings; so you feel better. But if you don’t change your behaviors, how you approach the issue or the coping strategies you use to deal with it, the pattern (and struggle) will still exist.
It’s great to feel better in the moment but the goal is to create meaningful, long-term change. Really growing and getting better involves transformation. This can include new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving.
Why some therapy feels good but doesn’t move anything
We previously discussed how healing happens in relationship, not isolation. It can be healing to be understood by another person when you may have always felt misunderstood or alone.
Insight, validation, and support can be helpful without necessarily leading to change.
Therapy shouldn’t just focus on understanding what you are feeling, it should encourage action. Just because you realize why you struggle, it doesn’t mean you can’t still repeat the same behaviors in the future.
The therapeutic process includes challenge, experimentation, and new experiences in order to be effective.
Change happens when you are aware AND you challenge yourself and create new experiences. This could look like setting boundaries, approaching relationships differently, speaking up more, or a number of other new outlooks/actions.
Your brain and your nervous system will start to learn that there are other emotional and behavioral responses that you can safely use.
You can read more about Why You Can’t Think Your Way Out of Emotional Patterns HERE in a previous blog.
Therapy is a safe environment where you have a balance of support and challenge. It allows you to move out of familiar patterns that may not have been healthy and were holding you back.
It gets worse before it gets better sometimes
We tend to think that progress will always feel good but sometimes it doesn’t.
As you start to make progress and identify patterns, you may become more aware of unhealthy relationships, unresolved grief, painful memories, or unmet needs and that can be hard.
You may also start to feel emotions more intensely because you didn’t realize that you had been ignoring, minimizing, or avoiding them altogether.
If you always pushed through your sadness and didn’t acknowledge it, addressing it in therapy can finally bring it to light. It can feel worse because it was suppressed for so long.
“Feeling emotionally stirred, anxious, or even frustrated with your therapist is normal. In fact, a key part of effective therapy is processing those exact reactions—not fleeing from them.” (Keeley Teemsma, Keeley. “Why Therapy Feels Worse Before it Feels Better.” Refresh Psychotherapy. (Keeley Teemsma, Keeley. “Why Therapy Feels Worse Before it Gets Better.” Refresh Psychotherapy. https://refreshtherapynyc.com/why-therapy-feels-worse-before-it-feels-better/.)
When old patterns start to shift, it’s common to feel discomfort. It can feel awkward when you are learning new ways of coping, communicating, and relating to others.
This stage can be frustrating, but it is often where meaningful change begins.
The Goal of Therapy
The ultimate goal of therapy is not simply to help people feel better in every moment. It is to help them function better, relate better, and live a healthier, more resilient life.
Sometimes that means feeling relief and comfort, but it can also mean facing difficult truths, taking emotional risks, and tolerating temporary discomfort to get long-term growth.
If therapy is working, it probably won’t be easy. It takes time to see real change and it will be shown in how you respond to challenges and how you relate to yourself and others.
Both feeling better and getting better matters, and when you understand the difference it can help you set realistic expectations and lead to more meaningful growth.
If you are ready to not only feel better but get better, contact us, we can help.
