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You have probably seen people in the mental health and mindfulness space talk about nervous system regulation. Nervous system regulation sounds complicated but once you understand some basics, it’s easy to see the immediate positive impact it can have on your life. So, let’s go …
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We have entered the holiday season and perfectionism is something that can come up now more than other times of the year, especially for perfectionists. However, you can create trust and connection without being perfect.
In our last blog post we talked about the cost of perfectionism and about the fear and anxiety that people experience in relation to being a perfectionist. (Read it HERE)
Since the holiday season has already begun and some of the struggles related to being perfect may have already surfaced, it’s a good time to reflect and learn so that the rest of this season can be more enjoyable and less stressful.
First it’s important to remember that the most valuable thing about any event or any destination is the quality of the experience.
You could be in the picture perfect place with the picture perfect things and have a miserable experience. Likewise, some of the best experiences have happened under imperfect circumstances.
Think about it, when you are so focused on making things perfect you are distracted from the main point which is the quality of the interpersonal experience. So, how can you shift your perspective and focus on the quality of the experience? You can do this by having integrity.
Having integrity means being congruent, clear and accountable. Let’s break this down.
This means what is on the inside is what is on the outside.
Here’s an example: You really want to make hand-made, perfect little holiday name card holders for your holiday table. Do it because YOU love it. Make extra time for it because it brings you joy, not because you want other people to be happy about the cute name card holders.
When you are doing things for other people’s reactions and are keeping receipts (i.e. I did xyz so you should be grateful), you are putting a strain on yourself and your relationships.
Even though it might not be totally conscious, you are expecting someone’s level of excitement or gratefulness about something to match yours; when in reality it may not be important to them. Therefore, they may not give you the reaction you are expecting.
That is not a formula for an enjoyable time with family and friends. It will only lead to you being let down and upset.
So get really clear on what you want to do and why you are doing it. Make sure that you are not doing it for someone who isn’t really asking you to do that.
Decide what you want for your holidays and stay congruent with that. Listen to and honor your body.
If you bite off more than you can chew, that’s okay, that’s where the next part comes in.
Communication is a big part of having integrity. Start with getting clear with yourself, then get clear with the people in your circle.
Get clear on what you are up for and what you are not up for. You can even start the conversation with: “I really want to do xyz, but I also know I might be taking on more than I can handle, so I’ll keep you posted”.
Being upfront and honest with family and friends about what you want and what you have time and energy for during the holidays will help ensure that you are all on the same page.
If you just assume people know what you are thinking or feeling, then you may be setting yourself up for problems.
This might be related to who is going to host, what food you are going to cook, how much you are going to spend, what events you are going to attend, etc.
So check in with yourself and communicate with love from there. Sometimes others will have a reaction to that. That’s OK. It is theirs to handle.
This is the most important part of integrity: if you can’t do what you said you were going to do, be accountable by letting your people know.
When you acknowledge that you said one thing but actually need to do another, that builds trust and connection. Most people will understand and give grace to those who are upfront and accountable for their actions. If you make excuses or do not acknowledge the reasons why you did not follow through, people may not be as understanding. They may feel hurt or disappointed and direct those feelings toward judgement.
When you are accountable, you keep the space clear and clean so there is no distraction from the actual emotions of disappointment or hurt. Those emotions can be processed. Judgements cause tension.
For example you can say “Baking 3 kinds of homemade pies, making scalloped potatoes and having 9 Christmas trees will lead to me being overextended and stressed, causing me to have a crappy holiday; and it is just not worth it.”
When explained this way, people will understand that you are making a choice that is right for you because the original plan will have a negative impact not only on you, but on them. The people who love and care about you ultimately want what is best for you and your explanation will give them clarity about your decision and why you made it. This creates trust and connection.
If you love getting fancy and doing all the little hand-made details and decorations, do that and focus on the joy it brings you. If that is not your idea of a fun time, then prioritize the quality time spent with your family; understanding that just being present with them is enough if that’s what brings you joy.
This is how you set the tone; being congruent (doing what you actually want to do, not what others expect), being clear (with yourself and others) and being accountable if plans change. If you focus on these 3 elements you will create trust and connection with those you care about and you will begin to see that being perfect is not necessary in order to enjoy the holidays.
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It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you are taking the first steps to begin therapy. You might be wondering if now is the right time to start therapy; or you may have already made the decision to move forward with therapy but are not sure how to find the right therapist for you.
It’s true that there are a lot of options and a lot of things to consider when you are finding a therapist.
Let’s look at 3 areas you can address to find the right therapist and achieve the results you desire.
We all go through hard times and it can be easy to chalk them up to normal life stressors; but when is it more than normal stress? We all have a threshold of distress and it is different for everyone. Your threshold may be higher than the threshold of your family and friends, and only you know when you have met it.
How will you know you met that threshold? Maybe your emotions are getting the best of you on a regular basis. Maybe you are turning to unhealthy coping skills such as drinking or overeating. Or maybe you always feel uncomfortable, find yourself in the same patterns or struggles with your loved ones and like you have nowhere else to turn.
These might be reasons to take that first step towards therapy. Talking with someone can help you deal with your emotions and find ways to manage stressors that work for you.
There are also times in your life that you will have to deal with major life events that can be overwhelming. These events might require extra support and guidance from a professional because you’ve never had to deal with similar situations.
The impact of major life events are sometimes beyond what your normal support system can help you through.
If you are looking for more information on beginning therapy you can check one of our previous posts HERE where we discussed when it’s time to go to therapy and how to get the most out of it.
There are directories online that you can use to search for a therapist like psychology.com and psychologytoday.com. These sites make it easy to search, filter and refine results based on your specific needs.
These directories can also tell you if the therapist accepts insurance or not. You may not have thought about whether or not you will be using your insurance for therapy but it’s important to research and consider all your options.
There are pros and cons to using your insurance for therapy so it’s important to consider them all and make the best decision for you. Let’s talk about a few things to consider.
A therapist who accepts insurance may be overwhelmed with referrals and it may take months to get an appointment. If it took you a while to take that first step towards therapy, waiting several months for an appointment may cause you to lose the momentum you built up to take that step.
A therapist who takes insurance may be a more affordable option for ongoing care but it still pays to ask what the charge will be if they don’t accept your insurance just in case your insurance changes.
In turn, you may be more likely to reach your goals if you are paying out of pocket because, as humans, we are more committed when we have invested something.
If you want to use your insurance you can do a search for a therapist in your area and cross reference with Psychology Today profile using the filters to search. You can also pick a few names from the list of therapists your insurance provides and search them on Google to see if they have a website.
It is not uncommon for therapists who primarily work with insurance not to have a website, so don’t be discouraged by that. However, it’s helpful to look and see if there is any additional information online so you can get a sense of fit so you are not just picking from a list of names.
Consider the level of investment, on all levels, and then move forward with finding a therapist that is a good match for you.
When you are searching for a therapist you want to look for one that aligns with your beliefs/philosophy on life, feels relatable to you and has experience helping people with the issue that prompted you to begin looking for a therapist.
Going to therapy can be intimidating because you will be talking about things that are uncomfortable to talk about. If you find someone that you feel comfortable with you will be more likely to open up about those things and get to the root of the issues you are facing. Your relationship with your therapist can play a big role in whether or not you see the results you desire.
Think about your preferences. Will you feel more comfortable with a male or a female? Do you want to work with someone who is older than you or are you okay with someone who is younger? Is it important to you that your therapist has certain religious beliefs? These are all things to consider when looking for a therapist.
If you are struggling with a specific issue you may want to search for a therapist that specializes in that area. Some may focus on anxiety or depression, or even a specific age group. This may help you narrow down your search and help you find the therapist that is right for you.
If you have questions about finding a therapist that is right for you, or you are ready to take the first step and begin therapy contact us and we will be happy to help!
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When clients are going through a difficult time, they often want to work through the stressors. Of course. However, I often redirect them to really focusing on the basics to create a stable platform from which to address what is happening. Creating that stability makes approaching any stressor much more effective.
You might feel like you have little control when you are in the middle of a trying time, however, these 5 basics are things that you can manage and focus on despite your circumstances. Redirecting your attention on what is in your locus of control, in and of itself, is helpful. All 5 of these basics have been proven to improve overall well-being.
Let’s take a look at each one.
Eating healthy foods is important. And, eating regularly is also right up there. This means that you don’t skip meals or continue to eat when you feel full. Doing either of these can have a negative impact on your physical and mental health.
Your body likes consistency and eating on a regular schedule helps establish that consistent routine that your body desires.
Skipping meals can cause your blood sugar to drop and when your blood sugar is low you may feel tired, irritable or depressed. Cutting out entire food groups can have a negative impact on your physical and mental health because it will be difficult to get all the essential nutrients that your body needs.
Food is essential for your body to function properly and when your body is not functioning properly, your mental health can follow. Focus on identifying healthy foods that feel good in your body and developing a regular eating habits.
Staying hydrated is important for many reasons. Dehydration can lead to poor concentration, inability to think clearly, depressed mood, tiredness and anxiety.
Your body is made up of about 60% water and your brain is made up of around 70% water. Knowing that your body and brain consists of a large amount of water helps you understand how important it is to stay hydrated because we need water to live.
When you don’t drink enough water your body signals to your brain that there is a problem and this can lead to heightened emotions like anxiety and nervousness.
Some common signs of dehydration include: changes in your skin, dry mouth, constipation, thirst, depression, sleeplessness, headaches, irritability, increased mental distress. It’s important to know these signs so that if they are present, you can focus on drinking more water to reestablish a sense of well being.
The amount of rest you get plays a role in how you feel both physically and mentally. If you don’t get enough rest you may start to feel irritable, depressed and/or anxious. Poor sleep habits can contribute to your ability to handle even minor stressors during the day.
A lot happens in your brain while you are sleeping, therefore, getting enough sleep facilitates proper brain function. Sleep problems can be a symptom of mental health disorders, such as depression, however, it’s also possible for lack of sleep to cause depression or other disorders. Therefore, developing a regular bedtime routine and healthy sleep habits are essential.
Staying active and moving your body has lots of health benefits. Regular exercise can reduce stress, improve concentration and help you sleep better at night.
You do not have to be a certain age or even at a certain fitness level to see the mental health benefits of regular movement. There are a variety of options for exercise and physical activity, therefore, you can choose an activity that you enjoy and do not have to stick to just one mode of exercise.
People who exercise tend to feel a sense of well-being and increased motivation. Physical activity is a great coping mechanism during challenging times because endorphins are released that increase a sense of well being.
Mindfulness is a term you may have heard a lot. Simply put, mindfulness is being aware of and focusing on the present moment and having an attitude that is open and accepting.
Mindfulness is a practice that can encourage new perspectives, which is important when dealing with a challenging period in your life. Mindfulness can help you manage strong emotions by focusing on your breathing, your body and your senses. Benefits may include reduced fear, anxiety and stress, as well as improved attention, concentration and memory.
Mindfulness is a technique that may take practice and that’s okay. Over time, as you establish this as one of the essential basics, you can determine the right amount of mindfulness meditation for you.
Need some resources on how to practice mindfulness? Try Mindful.org, Mayo Clinic and Positive Psychology. Or try one of these mindfulness apps from this list of 15.
Having basic routines and habits to dedicate your time and attention to can be a powerful coping mechanism that can be applied to a variety of circumstances and situations. Coming back to this baseline is essential and can cut down on spiraling into suffering and, worse, into declining mental health that can require the support of medication or put a strain on how well you are able to function in the important parts of your life.
Want to add some support to help you maintain a balanced baseline through a challenging moment? We would love to support you. Contact us.
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