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It’s a big decision and investment to start therapy. So we want to give you a little information on what to expect so that you can go in with awareness and clarity. The first 6 sessions The first part of therapy is getting the …
If you’ve read self development books, been to therapy, studied psychology or follow emotional intelligence, therapy or trauma informed accounts on social media, chances are you’ve developed a good deal of self awareness about your “stuff”. We’ve all been handed experiences or circumstances in our …
Parental burnout is real. And, it’s coming up a lot right now.
Summer is over, kids are adjusting to the routine of being back in school, pandemic restrictions and concerns have largely been lifted… yet many parents may be finding themselves exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed and burnt out.
But why???
Where are these feelings coming from or lingering from?
And what are we as parents to do about it if we’re feeling this way?
Any stage of parenthood has its challenges, but overall parenthood is one of the most challenging jobs there is! Unlike other jobs though, parenthood is a job that does not offer vacation or sick leave, training, breaks or a salary.
The parenting job is often relentless…not only are we responsible for the safety and wellbeing of another human being (or multiple human beings), but the job is essentially about “juggling” many responsibilities.
Parenting is a constant state of juggling your child’s needs, your home needs, partner or family needs and your own needs. No wonder parents are tired! It’s a lot!
Throw in environmental stressors and for some (myself included at times) it can feel like a constant merry-go-round trying to find balance while not “dropping one of the balls” we’re juggling.
Parental Burnout happens when parents become exhausted physically and emotionally from extended exposure to times of high stress. The “juggling” is stressful!
The pressure that society places on parents as well as the expectations and pressures we place on ourselves creates this extended stressful experience that can lead to burnout.
A recent interesting and concerning study from researchers at Ohio State University found that more than two-thirds of parents report currently experiencing parental burnout.
What does this mean?
It means this is a systemic problem and that if you find yourself feeling burned out, you’re not alone!
Symptoms can be experienced on a spectrum with some parents reporting mild symptoms to some experiencing symptoms more severely. Symptoms to look for may include some of the following:
-chronic worry or stress about “getting things done.”
-increased irritability
-sleep disturbances or poor sleep quality
-physical manifestation of burnout may include headaches or physical tiredness/exhaustion or tension held in muscles and joints
-thoughts or feelings that you’re in “survival mode” as a parent
-sense of dread or dissatisfaction in role as a parent
-desire to disconnect from children in order to preserve energy
It’s important to make note that most parents that experience Parental Burnout love their children very much and usually will express how much they love their children. Burnout is not an indicator of how much we as parents love or care for our children, rather it’s experiencing difficulty with the day-to-day of parenting that may result in loss of feeling fulfilled in parenting.
*parents that report and present with more severe parental burnout may be at higher risk of harming or neglecting their children and/or harming or neglecting themselves. If you feel you are a risk to yourself or your children please contact any of the resources at the end of this blog immediately.
Often parents who experience parental burnout feel they have “so much to do and not enough time to do it.” I myself am guilty of this one as a parent! We set these lofty goals or expectations and then find them impossible to meet.
Re-evaluate for yourself where the desire is coming from to “do all the things” and recognize it does not make you a bad parent if you need to “say no” to things or lower the bar for yourself.
For example: If you see these cute Pinterest worthy healthy lunches on social media, but this creates added work, stress and pressure to make them… lower your expectations! No need to add this *unnecessary* stress, pack a “regular” lunch or allow your child to get lunch from the cafeteria.
Along with the concept of lowering expectations is the concept of simplifying or eliminating unnecessary or additionally stressful activities or tasks. Is it overwhelming to take your two or three children (or even one child) to various after school activities. Simplify and encourage one activity only.
If it’s challenging to eliminate activities or things from your list, look for alternative or creative solutions to simplify. Ways to simplify things could include: finding possible carpool options, ordering dinner, or having children help with household chores.
I know this feels easier said than done, and depending on the ages of your children these breaks may be VERY short. Even a 5 minute break of alone time however may be enough to allow time for a “reset.”
Going to work outside the home or spending alone time addressing household needs (such as grocery shopping or laundry) while therapeutic for some and may be a break from parenting, can ultimately contribute to burnout. Be intentional with your breaks and be sure the break, however short or long it may be, is self-care focused (not parental or work focused).
If your children are young and wake up during the night, if possible, find ways to share and simplify nighttime parent duties with a partner or family. If you do wake up during the night due to either your children’s needs or if sleep is disrupted on your own try keeping lights out or dim, if you turn bright lights on it may signal to your brain “it’s time to wake up” making it more challenging to get back to sleep.
Use a nightlight or dim light in children’s rooms or bathrooms for night wakings.
Create a positive sleep plan: attempt to be in bed by a reasonable time each night, reduce blue light exposure prior to bedtime, introduce a guided sleep meditation and/or create a routine that will promote positive sleep quality for yourself.
Parenting is hard! What works for me in the particular tough moments, is to remind myself that I am doing the best I can in any given moment. I may not be as stellar as I was the day before or I may not be living up to the expectation I set for myself, but I am doing the best I can in this given situation.
Allowing grace and compassion for yourself can create room for you to work on letting go of those expectations you may have and make space for you to take breaks, practice self-care and ultimately be a better version of yourself and better parent to your children. You are doing the best you can!
Lastly, but certainly not least… parenthood is a journey. Many of us can lose sight of the fact that this is a marathon and we try running at a sprint pace or we don’t look for our support team to help and we’re burning ourselves out!
Let’s try to remind ourselves to be patient with ourselves, pace ourselves and find others that can help along the way. Even finding one other person on this parenting journey with a child similar age to your children can have such a beneficial impact on parental stress relief.
If you find you need more support, contact us.
We at One Heart Counseling Center can help.
This article was written by Chelsea Derossi M.A., LMFT, ATR. Chelsea currently works at One Heart Counseling Center with parents in all stages of parenting! She has completed specialized training with Postpartum Support International and is licensed as a PMH-C (perinatal mental health counselor).
Here are some resources if you feel you are in more immediate need of support.
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline 988
National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255
Post Partum Support International Helpline 1-800-944-4773
National Parent Helpline 1-855-4A-PARENT (1-855-427-2736)
Parent Stress Line 1-800-632-8188
Link to Ohio State University Study has tips and links for support: wellness.osu.edu
*Study mentioned in this blog was titled:
Pandemic Parenting: Examining the Epidemic of Working Parental Burnout and Strategies to Help
May 2022 Ohio State University
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Having a new baby changes your world on every level. One level that might not get as much attention is your relationships with extended family. You are now a parent who has to think about what’s best for your children and this new family you’ve created. This is a shift because you, and your extended family, are used to you being the “kid” of your parents or in-laws.
This can be a challenging transition for you and your partner, as well as your family members. So let’s talk about how you can manage it in a healthy way.
You spent time considering the ways your life would change when you were preparing for your baby; you had to think about how your finances would be impacted, your career, your housing needs, etc. It’s OK to prepare your relationships for the changes as well.
You don’t have to know how things will change because there’s really no way to know exactly how things will change. It depends on a lot of factors that you can’t always predict! But just communicating in advance that changes may be coming will help prepare everyone so it doesn’t come out of the blue.
How you handle these situations may not change once you have a baby, but they might; so it’s best to be prepared, give family a head’s up and start to establish boundaries before the baby even arrives.
“All families come with their own unique dynamics, struggles, and traditions, but as a new parent, your job is to do what’s best for you, your baby, and your partner.” (Popsugar.com | How to Set Boundaries With Your Extended Family Once You Have Your Own | Katie Stahl, February 19, 2020, https://www.popsugar.com/family/How-Set-Boundaries-Family-After-Baby-42985522)
You can start to work it into conversations casually before the baby comes and closer to the due date, make sure those closest to you know how you feel.
Preparing people in advance for changes can also prepare you for being able to really flex your muscles at asking for what you need. Do you need people to bring food for lunch when they visit? Ask them. You need help putting away toys, folding laundry, etc.? Let them know you would really appreciate some help with that when they stop by. People in your life want to support you, but sometimes they just don’t know what you really need, so tell them exactly how they can help. Remember they might really love to help you.
The things you need help with may seem obvious to you but remember, people can’t read your mind. The things that would be a huge relief to be taken off of your plate may be small things that family members don’t even realize are a challenge for you to do.
It’s common to think about new parents having to limit visits from family members but maybe you want people to come around more. Sometimes being home alone with the baby can get lonely. So it works both ways, if you need less visits or more visits, being honest and communicating what you need to the people in your life is key.
First and foremost you need to make sure you and your partner are on the same page.
“To set strong boundaries, the first step is being clear with yourself and your partner about what those boundaries are, and why. Make sure you are both on the same page before you attempt taking on his family.” (parents.com | As A New Parent, How Do I Set Baby Boundaries With Extended Family? | Emily Edlynn, Ph.D, April 29, 2022, https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/ask-your-mom/how-do-i-set-baby-boundaries/)
When you decide what your boundaries will be you can go ahead and talk about how you will explain them to family members. Then you are both prepared and don’t get caught off guard wondering what to say if you are put on the spot and have to enforce that boundary with your family or their family.
Reaching an agreement about boundaries will hopefully help you avoid situations where one of you allows something that’s not OK with the other, or having a disagreement in front of your families. You want to feel supported by your partner when you say no to something, and it’s important to support them as well.
It’s helpful for you, and your family members, if you are both super clear about your boundaries so no one is left guessing what is and what is not okay.
You don’t want your family to feel like they are walking on eggshells all the time, you want them to enjoy time with the new baby because it’s a very exciting time and it’s important for your child to bond with grandparents and other family members.
“It’s unrealistic to expect the grandparents to behave like paid babysitters following a checklist. They’ll need some free rein to create their own dynamic with your kids. If it’s important that they respect your toddler’s nap time, hold that line. But ease up on less essential rules.” (Happiestbaby.com | How to Set Boundaries with Grandparents, https://www.happiestbaby.com/blogs/parents/grandparent-boundaries)
So make sure your boundaries don’t turn into just a lot of rules that make visits hard for everyone.
Just like in life, everything in your life as a new family can not be 100% controlled and you can stress yourself out if you put too much pressure on yourself to make everything perfect. As new parents you will have instincts about what is best and it’s up to you to decide how your new family engages with others; you will know which battles are worth fighting and when you can let your guard down a little.
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People who tend to blame themselves when something goes wrong or when something is challenging, oftentimes take in too much feedback. As we discussed in our last blog, it’s important to be open to feedback (especially during therapy) and really try to see yourself in ways you haven’t before.
However, it’s possible to be too open to feedback or taking all feedback so seriously that you let it define you.
Taking in too much feedback and letting it make you feel like you are always at fault for everything can come from experiences early in life, especially when trauma was present. If you’ve always been told what you are doing wrong or how you can be better, then you may come to think of all feedback as a finger pointing at you and placing blame on you.
But the truth is, feedback is not always negative and doesn’t require taking on blame. Feedback is a tool that can be used to help you critically think about situations or behaviors from a different perspective. You may come to the conclusion that you just didn’t understand something because you were viewing it differently.
Your therapist is trained to provide feedback in a way that is beneficial to you and will help you understand things from a different perspective. Once they get to know you, they will know how to deliver feedback in a way that is easier for you to receive.
However, outside of your therapy sessions, you may have other people in your life offer feedback that may not be beneficial or maybe not delivered in a helpful manner. Knowing your circle of friends and family, and where you can receive clear and helpful feedback is important. You don’t have to listen to what everyone has to say about the challenging situations you are facing because everyone will not understand you or the situation, or how to give objective and supportive feedback..
So if you are receiving feedback from unhelpful sources and it is triggering negative emotions or making the problem worse, it might be helpful to take a step back and remind yourself that all feedback is not good feedback and refrain from internalizing it.
Brene Brown is a research professor, lecturer, author, and podcast host who has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame, and empathy. In her book, ‘Daring Greatly’, she talks about the struggle people face when they are negatively judged by others and how you shouldn’t stop caring what people think BUT you shouldn’t let what they think define you.
She suggests having a ‘square squad’. This is when you take a one inch by one inch piece of paper and write as many names as you can of people who truly care about you, will give you honest feedback and want what is best for you (This is a really small space and you won’t be able to fit a lot of people’s names on it…that’s the point, this group of people should be small). Then you use the square squad to help you work through any negative feedback you receive from other people. If someone gives you feedback that hurts you, confuses you or makes you feel like you are the problem; share it with someone in your square squad and ask them if they feel the same way.
“Too much criticism can paralyze you from creating the life you want. But to work in a vacuum cuts you off from valuable insights that could make all the difference. Look for a happy balance of feedback and execution and you’ll find it easier to go after what you truly want in the world.” (Medium.com |PERSONAL GROWTH |Brené Brown’s “1×1 Index Card” Trick Could Permanently Boost Your Confidence And Focus – Find your “square squad” and hold ’em close; Nick Wolny, August 30, 2021)
Sharing with people that you trust keeps you from automatically taking feedback from others to heart, and helps you to understand it and determine if it’s true or helpful.
Sometimes it can be harder to accept that you are not always responsible when something bad happens. When something goes wrong you may tend to think about all the things you could have done or should have done that would have made the situation better. You may feel like somehow you should have done better, that you are responsible.
When you get feedback that is not positive or not what you want to hear, it can bring you down and make you feel like you are responsible. Allow yourself to think through the feedback first, and not automatically feel responsible or that you are in the wrong.
Look at the context around the feedback because there may be other things that are off. Sometimes personalities just clash and someone may give you feedback based on a personality trait they possess or they may just not understand your personality and your behaviors. For instance, some people are very literal and they see everything through a lens that is black or white. Maybe you see things in a spectrum and are more flexible in your perspective. The feedback you receive from this person who has an opposite personality from you will be based on how they perceive things, which may not be aligned with your beliefs.
It’s also possible that others are projecting, or attributing their own thoughts or feelings, onto you when giving feedback. “Through projections, we communicate “You” statements directed at others that are actually intended for us. Simply, we are not willing to take personal responsibility, and therefore, we blame the other person(s). It’s as if we are an actual projector – a machine – re-presenting our experience onto a screen – the other person.” (AbigailStason.com | TURN OFF THE PROJECTOR WHEN COMMUNICATING AND GIVING FEEDBACK)
This is when it can be helpful to use your square squad to see if maybe someone is projecting or if there is actually a problem you need to address.
It’s important to take the time to really think through how you process feedback, when you need to take action and when you need to cut yourself some slack. If you feel that you take in too much feedback or you don’t handle feedback well, contact us and let us help you develop a positive way to handle it going forward.
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