Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Sometimes it may feel like you are talking to a brick wall and your kids hear nothing you are saying. But you can rest assured that they are listening and they are always watching! So what are the things they are secretly watching that maybe …
It’s very common to hear stories about people with romantic infatuations but they are not always rooted in love. Instead of it being love, it could be limerence. But what is limerence and when would a person need to seek help for it? Let’s break …
Of course, if you ask anyone, no one would tell you they want to be depressed or that they like to be depressed. And, even though you might not “like” being depressed, there’s a covert coziness to it. This is why when people say: “get out and do something, talk to your friends, exercise, etc., etc., etc.” to someone who is depressed, it can be irritating AF and push them deeper into the hole (which can be strangely comfortable).
The thing about depression is that there is a stop energy to it, it’s like a heavy blanket on top of you. With this, what we find is that trying to push someone or pull someone out from under that heaviness can have the effect of sending them deeper into the quicksand of depression.
The best way to start to work with depressive feelings is to allow it. This seems crazy, but if you think about moving with it to loosen the grip of it, instead of against it, it makes more sense.
Let’s talk about 3 reasons being depressed can be comfortable.
Reason #1: It’s easier on your mind
It seems like being depressed might include intense emotions, but it’s actually a numbing mechanism. There’s probably a lot of negative thoughts, but you’re likely not contacting or completing emotions. When you stay in your head with all the spiraling thoughts, there isn’t a lot of feeling, so there’s the “relief” of not feeling. Your system is in shut down mode, and you are conserving energy.
The thought of having to start your system back up and use the energy it takes to feel your real emotions can be overwhelming, so you stay in that depressed place that has become a space that is familiar. Familiar = comfortable.
Reason #2: Depression can reinforce negative beliefs you have about yourself and the world.
Maybe these negative beliefs are old, which means there has been a lot of reinforcement for them. The neural pathways for those beliefs are well worn, so it’s less effort for the brain to fire those pathways. This also conserves energy.
You may realize that the negative beliefs are not true, but coming to terms with what is really true may require you to change other things in your life, and that feels like too much to take on.
For example: if an old belief is that you don’t deserve love, but you know that’s not true, you might have to dismantle some defense mechanisms that keep people away. This will make you feel vulnerable. All of this requires energy.
Creating positive change would be building ‘new pathways’, it would require effort and energy and when you’re depressed, it feels like exerting effort or finding energy is impossible. So it feels easier (more comfortable) to continue reinforcing negative beliefs.
Reason # 3: Depression leads to isolation, which can feel safer, even though you feel more lonely.
People who are depressed sometimes feel like they have nothing to contribute, are a burden, and don’t want to subject themselves to feeling worse. Just being around others who aren’t depressed, feeling the distance between where “normal people” are and where you are, can feel bad. Add to that, most people will try to give you advice that is largely unhelpful (Like: you just need to get out and do something).
Social interactions can be hard for everyone, whether they struggle with depression or not. When you put yourself in social situations you could be judged by others or feel like you have to live up to certain social expectations. By avoiding other people and isolating, you are minimizing the risk of being judged or letting yourself or other people down.
Becoming comfortable in your depression can keep you stuck there for a long period of time. Ultimately, depression isn’t something you can force yourself out of, it requires compassion. It requires meeting you where you’re at and that is exactly what we can do. We will meet you where you are and then we can find our way toward more lightness and wellness together, one step at a time. Contact us.
When you think of someone who is emotionally strong you may think that nothing bothers them or that they never struggle when they encounter hard situations in their life; but that’s not always true. Being emotionally strong does not mean a person is stone cold …
You’ve probably heard before that things get worse before they get better when you start therapy. For adults, the reason is because you start to open your eyes to things you might not have been aware of in your life and in your past. For …
Maybe you have recently had some time off and your routine has been different because your family has been in holiday mode; but now it’s time to get back into your groove. This is actually a great time to reflect on what parts of your routine have been working and what hasn’t.
Sometimes we drive ourselves too hard with a strict schedule around work, school, working out, extracurricular activities, etc. and time off of that routine gives you some contrast and space to reflect on things that you may want to change.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to reflect and to set yourself up for success in the new year.
Sometimes you don’t realize it in the moment, but you can look back over a period of time and see the moments where you were really content and felt at ease.
What were the circumstances? If you are able to pinpoint those moments, think about where you were, who you were with, what your schedule was like and any other details that created the environment that led to you being content.
How can I bring more of that into the new year? Once you have identified these circumstances, look at how you can duplicate them going forward. Maybe it’s a person you can spend more time with, a place you can visit more often or a routine you can duplicate in the new year.
Just like with the happy moments, you may not immediately recognize that a situation is stressing you out at the time it is happening. You may just push through and act like everything is fine even when you are feeling off because you just needed to get through it. But given the chance to really reflect back on it, you can see that it was overwhelming or created emotional stress.
What were the circumstances? These can be expectations that you put on yourself that were unrealistic, or the expectations of others. It can also be people or environments that you felt obligated to be around.
Do I want to make a note not to repeat that next year? There are some people and environments that you may not be able to avoid but if there are things that stress you out that you can eliminate, then make a mental note, or an actual physical, written note, to not repeat it next year. Sometimes we have to remind ourselves that unrealistic expectations or pressure we put on ourselves is not worth it and it will not be the end of the world if we let some things go.
We typically give ourselves more grace over the holidays to not hold such a rigid routine, like a certain time frame to get things done or a certain diet, etc. You may realize that that thing was not as important as you thought it was. Now that doesn’t mean you should throw all your goals and positive habits out the window, but it is a good time to assess them and see if they were really necessary.
If there is something that you changed about your routine and you are really missing it or you are feeling really down or stressed out now that you aren’t doing it anymore, then that may be a sign that it’s good for you. Some things in your routine may make you feel more grounded and productive and taking them away creates some uneasiness or lack of structure.
Sometimes we get stuck in a rut and don’t realize that it’s time for a shift or an update. And having a little break from our normal routine can give you some insight into that! As we move into a new year there are lots of ways you can support your mental health and looking back at your routine and asking yourself these questions is a good start.
There’s a lot of pop mental health advice floating around on social media these days and I’m totally here for it…well, some of it. Should we be more informed about trauma, emotional intelligence, relationship dynamics and attachment issues? Yes,100%! Although it can be beneficial, there …
Holidays can be a fun time, but they can also be stressful, not just for you, but for your kids! Let’s talk about some ways you can support your kids during the holidays so that the stress is not overwhelming to them or you. Communicate …
Do you have trouble saying no? Do you constantly worry what people think about you and you find yourself apologizing frequently? Do you avoid confrontation and feel responsible for other people’s feelings? If you struggle with any of these things then you may be a people pleaser.
Let’s get to the bottom of what it is and why you do it.
Merriam Webster defines a people pleaser as a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.
It’s common for people to want others to like them and to desire to make others happy, however, people pleasing behavior takes this to the extreme.
“A desire to please people can manifest in many ways. A person may find it hard to say no to requests, regularly take on extra work, even if they do not have the time, often over commit to plans, responsibilities, or projects, or avoid advocating for their own needs, such as by saying they are fine when they are not.” (Villines, Zawn. “People pleaser: What it means and how to stop”. Medical News Today. March 1, 2023. www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/people-pleaser#signs.)
People pleasers put the needs of others above their own to the point that they can become depressed and resentful.
Maybe you grew up in a culture that elevates selflessness and shames those who do things for their own enjoyment or to make themselves happy. If you grew up thinking other people always come first and you are not important, then naturally you will be conditioned to people please as an adult.
If you experienced relationship issues within your family where your parents’ love and affection was conditional, then you grew up thinking it’s normal to have to “earn” love. This can lead to becoming a people pleaser because the behavior modeled for you as a child was that love is only given when you do something for someone else.
Low self-esteem can also lead to people pleasing. If you feel like you are worth less than other people then you may not speak up for yourself and show concern for yourself. You may feel like helping others gives you purpose. If helping others makes you feel important it can be an emotional boost that you start to depend on to feel good about yourself.
People pleasing can have negative effects on you and others around you. If you are constantly trying to please others then you are probably not taking care of your own needs. This can lead to stress, anxiety or even medical issues.
If you are constantly trying to keep up and make sure others like you and are getting their needs met, you will eventually become physically, mentally and/or emotionally exhausted. It just becomes too much to handle and you will not have the energy you need to take care of your personal needs or stay focused at work or other activities.
Another way it works against you is by creating relationship problems. You may become resentful of people close to you because you feel like you are contributing more to the relationship, even though you are doing it on your own, not because they have asked you to.
An important first step to reduce your people pleasing behaviors is to take a look at where these behaviors came from and how they have been linked you surviving in the world.
It’s important to know that this is a strategy that has worked and makes sense, but you’re ready to move beyond it so your relationships with yourself and others can be healthier.
It will take practice to rewire these patterns. Start just noticing where you overextend yourself for others. Watch it happen, then you can consider afterward: how could I have responded differently or handle it differently. Start to build awareness and open up possibilities as to different ways you can respond that would honor you and the person you’re relating to.
Then take a chance and try it. Sometimes responding to someone via email or text to test out new ways of responding is helpful because it gives you a minute to think and gather your courage.
See what comes up: do you sweat? get nervous about what the other person will say? Do you worry they won’t be happy with you? Breathe with those worries and remind yourself you are safe. Tiny steps.
If you know that you do this, but you just don’t know how to stop, contact us, we can help!
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