Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
How many times have you been in a conversation with a well meaning loved one and you were told something like “don’t cry”, “don’t worry”, “at least xyz didn’t happen” or “you know what you should do….”? What happened next? Did you feel heard? Did …
A few weeks ago, we talked about how important it is to consider the possibility that what other people do is not always about you. People are responding to you in accordance to their own past, their own assumptions and their own tendencies. This is …
This comes up a lot. I get that it is confusing.
How can an interaction between two people not be personal? Meaning, how can you not take what someone does or says personally???
Well, it FEELS personal. Of course.
The things is, most of what people do is about them, not about you. In so many ways.
It’s helpful to understand this about yourself (how you act is about you) and about others (how they act is largely about them).
You are the person who is involved in the interaction that brought about a certain response. Yes, that is true. However, it’s more like you participated in an interaction that was a trigger or inspiration for a certain response.
So much of human response comes from past experiences and conditioning. It comes from personality. It comes from where someone is in that particular moment when an interaction occurs.
Do the mean words feel personal to the receiver? Yes.
How is it not personal?
The partner who said something mean is upset. That is the way they chose to handle their feelings. Maybe because that is how they’ve learned to defend themselves (get on the offense) or that is how they have learned how to fight. Not personal. Feels super personal, though.
Just because it is not personal does not mean it is OK.
The thing is, taking it personally would detract from the important process information: your partner fights by saying mean things. Is that how you want to work through problems in your relationship? That is the place you want to focus. You can argue and get all tangled up in feelings taking the mean thing your partner said personally, but then you never get to the important point so you can grow as a couple.
Let’s look at another example.
Does it feel personal? 100%
Is it? No.
It is how they are choosing to deal with their feelings and the issue coming up. Maybe this is what was modeled to them in their family about how to handle difficult moments. Maybe people in their family screamed and yelled and that was super uncomfortable, so they made the choice to never argue. They are giving the silent treatment because of them.
So what can you do? When things are better, approach that topic of the silent treatment. You might share what it’s like for you on the other side of that. You might find a way to compassionately ask why they handle things that way. Maybe it is too sensitive and it would be better to talk about this in a couples therapy session.
Does that mean they don’t love you? No.
They absolutely love you. What parent does not love their child??
How each parent shows that love is different, that is for sure. People often show love in the same way they were shown love, not how they think the person they are loving deserves to be loved.
That definitely feels personal. You might even get caught up wondering if what your best friend said is true about you.
Why isn’t it personal? People who tend to be critical were often raised by a critical parent so they have that dialogue going on inside all the time, you just happened to hear it out loud. They might be in a career that is based around critique or finding flaws and that is how they tend to look at things. They might unknowingly use it as an avoidance strategy to push you away when they need space.
Can you see how none of those possibilities have to do with you?
And how you could be in a fight with your best friend, lose a friendship or even spend days thinking about your best friend’s comment when it had very little to do with you?
I could continue with lots of examples.
The point is to help you start considering the possibility that something someone does or says may have very little to do with you.
This can save you a lot of time and struggle.
It also creates space for you to consider what you are bringing to interactions that is about you and not others. We’ll look at that in the next post.
If you want to go deeper with this, I highly recommend The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.
For most of us, life feels extra challenging right now. One of the ways we might be experiencing this heightened struggle is in our relationship with our domestic partner. This makes sense given the increased time spent around each other in close proximity. Little irritations …
Even if you are not a parent, this is helpful information because it helps you reflect on your experiences growing up, how it impacts your current lived experience and how you engage in your current relationships. Dan Seigel and Tine Payne Bryson’s new book The …
I get that. If you are one of those people who is not totally convinced that feelings are that big a deal, this is for you.
I explain it this way often to my clients…
Usually the answer is: not that hard.
Right. It isn’t.
But we also resist it sometimes. Maybe it is the repetitive nature of the task or the fact that it is never done. There are always more dishes that need to be done, as long as we eat or drink, which we do because we have to sustain human life. Feelings are similar, they are always coming up, never done.
Then I ask: what would happen if you stopped doing the dishes?
First off, you run out of dishes and utensils that are clean. Which means no one can cook anything and you are eating and drinking straight from the fridge. A slight regression, but not THAT big of a deal.
If you live with anyone, more than likely, people are already bothered at this point. Maybe arguments even start up. Whichever kind your home culture prefers: the nagging type, the loud kind or the silent resentful variety.
The other thing that is happening is that you are now eating out. More expensive, probably less healthy than what you could make at home. In the long run, money and health issues coming up.
Maybe not horribly at first, but remember, you are not doing the dishes, so this is where things are headed for the long haul.
Now you have to think about what happens with those dirty dishes. At some point, they are likely going to attract pests. And that’s a whole new level of hassle.
Recently a friend and their family had to evacuate their apartment and pack out or wrap all the perishables (with an infant!) so their apartment could be fumigated because of cockroaches. They lived next door to an apartment unit that is a corporate apartment so people only live there for short periods. Somebody must have left food or dishes that were not cleaned up (or missed by the cleaning staff) and an infestation started. My friend’s family moved back in after being vacated for the better part of a week and there were still cockroaches. So they had to move their ENTIRE apartment (with an infant) to another unit in the building.
So, now you are potentially dealing with infestations in your home and your neighbors are impacted?
Just like the dishes, dealing with our feelings as they come up are not that big of a deal. Just like doing the dishes, not dealing with them leads to big issues that impact multiple areas of your life: relationships, finances, physical health, your home environment. Not to mention your internal world and your daily lived experience.
So, you practice (practice being the key word) recognizing them. You practice allowing them. You practice communicating them.
It might be: “I feel pressured and rushed right now, can we talk about this later?” Or “I felt sad when you said that”. Or “I feel frustrated”. Just simple little things. Like washing a dish.
I know feelings can be unpleasant, but don’t let that be the end point of that experience. There are lots of things in life that can be uncomfortable. Does that mean you stop right at the first sign of discomfort? No, you show up.
This is emotional health. Recognizing that you feel. And doing what you need to do to care for whatever is coming up whether it is just having to do with you or it is something coming up between you and someone else.
Just do the dish. Sometimes it’s a pan with lots of stuff crusted on it and it takes some effort. But I promise it’s worth it.
If you need support figuring out how to recognize or care for your feelings, we’ve got you. Contact us.
Also, check out this post about the messages your feelings are communicating to you, that could be a good next step too.
If you want a guide to what your emotions mean and where they show up in the body so you know when they are present, sign up for our email list (refresh the page and there will be a little banner that drops down). You will get a little cheat sheet for that you can save on your phone.
Burnout is real. Not only is it miserable for you, it’s toxic for your health and your relationships. You know this already. What you might not know about is these four signs that are about real life. Be honest with yourself when you look at …
How many fulfilling conversations are you having in a day? I know life is busy and it’s easy to slip into auto pilot, so that might even be a hard question to answer. You and everyone else you are talking with in your life, from …
What if your spouse, loved one, best friend is not the bad guy? What if you aren’t either?
Let’s be honest, sometimes it feels good that the other person is the “bad guy”. Then we get to be right, justified and safe. At the same time, we know that actually isn’t worth much in the long run.
Let’s start with this basic assumption: the people you have in your inner circle (the ones you brought into that space) are not bad people AND they are probably not intentionally trying to hurt you. Can we agree on that?
Yet, uncomfortable situations, hurt feelings, anger, disappointment, frustration, jealousy, irritation, overwhelm, guilt… that kind of hard stuff shows up in your inner circle relationships. Actual emotional health means we have access to navigate the ENTIRE RANGE of human emotion.
So, just because something uncomfortable comes up between you and someone else doesn’t mean that someone is bad. It means, there is a chance to actually grow as people and have a stronger relationship with all the good stuff in there: more trust, love, closeness, vulnerability, fun.
Why? Because we are human beings growing through things. And we pick these inner circle people to grow with through life.
Also important to remember: It takes two to tango. The problem nor the solution are one sided. No matter how justified you feel. We push each other’s buttons, we have complementary “stuff” that we bring up with one another. For the purpose of evolving.
You and the other person will need to come to an agreement that you are willing to play this game. This is crucial. It won’t work unless you have willingness on both sides. It does require a level of self awareness and ability to communicate as well.
When something happens that is painful or uncomfortable, make a commitment to talk about it. Yup, bring it up. You might not be ready to talk about it right then. You might need some time to get clear on your feelings and what came up for you, but make a point to acknowledge it and commit to talking about it together.
Do some reflection on what this interaction brought up to the surface for you to be able to see about yourself and how you interact in relationships.
Ask yourself some of these questions:
When else have I felt like this?
What does this remind me of?
How did I contribute to this challenging situation?
Where else do interactions like this come up in my life?
How do I want to show up instead (baby steps are fine!)?
How could I do this differently next time so it is better for me and us?
Realize that it is a gift this is coming up with someone you love and trust. That way you get the chance to ACTUALLY resolve it instead of sending it to the back of the line of repeating patterns that will definitely show up again. And, what I find is that when people actually resolve repeating patterns, what they really want is on the other side. If you can get to this place before you talk about it with your person, you are in a great space that is not emotionally charged to be able to be receptive and collaborative.
Come together with your person and share about what you noticed about yourself, what you got to see in a new light because of the fact that it came up between you, how you see a pattern that is outdated and no longer needed that you are willing to give up to be able to have a better relationship or be a better person. Listen with compassion to what they share.
And, there you go. You are better as a person and your relationship is better. Your conflict did not harm your relationship or waste your time. And no one is the bad guy.
We are not here to make each other happy. We are here to make each other better.
So, you know how to be empathetic, but why don’t you always practice it? Last week we shared a video on illustrating empathy. It is about connection and presence. Even though you know how to do that, you might not always handle situations with connection …