Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Whether you know a lot about empathy or not, this is worth the 3 minutes. Brene Brown gets across such vital information in an accessible way with her humor and relatability. This short cartoon is a great reminder or great way see how to build …
Feelings as a source of information have been discounted for so long, we have some catching up to do! There are some pieces of feeling-related advice that have become commonplace like “listen to your heart”, which is progress. But what does that actually mean? Here …
Boundaries are one of the most important ways you care for your relationships and for yourself. It’s a way of being honest about what works for you and what doesn’t. This has nothing to do with being selfish.
When you are not clear with others about your limits, the result is usually leading you down a road of resentment and/or anger. That road leads to a breakdown in the relationship (think: blow up) or you distancing yourself. So, you either end up feeling like a monster or feeling isolated, not because of anyone else’s fault.
I say all this with as much compassion and humility as possible. Boundary work is an on-going practice (I’m practicing too!). So, no matter how much you know, there will be times where you get it wrong and that’s ok. You can repair it and try again. The point is to practice so that you are empowered and know what is inside your locus of control rather than feeling like “people just don’t get it” or feeling unloved or unseen.
People feel more comfortable knowing what your boundaries are (even if they don’t like it at first) and trust that you will be straight with them if there is something that bothers you (rather than leaving the relationship or talking with others behind their back).
We think people should “know” the boundaries. But, in reality, people have all different kinds of limits. Some boundaries relate to natural temperament, some correspond to culture or ethnicity, some stem from family dynamics, some are a response to painful experiences, some relate to specific roles a person holds (like being a parent or holding a professional role within an organization like a manager or being a specific type of professional like a teacher or police officer) and the list goes on. So, we can’t assume that “everyone should know” what ALL appropriate boundaries are, even if we feel like some should just be common sense. There are a lot of factors at play!
Make sure you say it in plain english. Be kind, but direct.
For example: “I’m not really comfortable with x, so let’s do y instead”. Or letting someone know how things are done according to the rules or guidelines in your home or professional space. Or, if it is something more serious: “I do want to talk about this. And I will stop the conversation (or hang up the phone) if x happens”.
Adding some kind of “yes” in there helps create a way forward with the interaction. Only including a form of “no” may stop things all together because the other person might not know what to do or how to respond. People can experience a boundary assertion as you pushing them away. So, by including a “yes” like “I do want to talk about this”, you offer reassurance.
Boundaries are not always honored right away. People test them. If they are pushing boundaries, it usually is not conscious or malicious in any way.
I have a boundary in my practice that people need to cancel 24 hours prior to an appointment, otherwise, I charge for the session. I do that to be able to plan my time to get work outside of sessions done (caring for myself and my business) and I want to protect time for people to be able to come in for a session if they are trying to squeeze in because something difficult has come up (caring for my clients as a whole). I also do that to protect my relationships with my clients (caring for the relationships with my clients). I don’t want there to be a reason to feel angry or resentful toward a client. That’s just not fair. When there is a late cancellation or missed session, I let my client know about the charge. I do not criticize, I do not get angry, I just hold it with objectivity and compassion. I allow the boundary to do the work.
When you express anger about a boundary being crossed, the conversation becomes about your anger, not the boundary. That doesn’t change behaviors or preserve the relationship, it just poisons the relationship. Does that make sense?
You are the person that cares the most about your boundaries. Regardless of the reason for the boundary crossing, whether the other person is “right” or “wrong” in their actions, the person responsible for upholding it is you. Because it is your limit. Getting into the right and wrong of it doesn’t help anyone.
You don’t have boundaries for fun. You have them for a reason. Because you care about your relationships and yourself. So, while you might feel anger (that is your notification that a boundary has been crossed), the way to manage that anger is to channel it into holding a boundary when you are ready to communicate directly and objectively (see tip #2).
If you are feeling like you need some support in learning what your boundaries are or how to communicate about them, let us offer you some support. Contact us.
**Disclaimer: All of this is assuming that the parties involved are not dealing with significant emotional or mental health challenges that create a threat or sense of danger on any level in the relationship**
I want to talk about the post by Sheryl Paul from Conscious Transitions “Not Attracted? Learn to Unblock the Flow of Love” that landed in my inbox on Sunday. I was interested in the title because this is a question people ask in session: It …
This week I’m doing something a little bit different! Check out this short video to see what one thing you can do in all your relationships to make them easier and more clear. Let me know what you’ve noticed about doing this one thing.
Whether we are consciously aware of it or not, there are currents of thought that run through our collective society.
They can be embedded posts you see on social media, come out of the mouths of your friends or family or through storylines on shows you watch.
They can lay dormant until there is a reason for them to be called forward, but they sit there in the back of our minds. Maybe even silently pulling on us.
Some of these things can be positive influences, like the ones I want to talk about today.
The good: Helping others and being generous is good, right? Of course it is. But, too much good is exactly that: too much.
Consider this: Are you the person who gives so much to the point that is negatively impacting you? It can look like giving the kind of support or the amount of support you are not able to give (for whatever reason), which leads to resentment.
Resentment poisons relationships.
Or, it can look like over focusing on others such that you are disconnected from your own needs or feelings. Eventually that will catch up with you.
The good: Blaming others is disempowering. So, taking responsibility can help you step into an empowered position.
Consider this: Any chance that one of the ways you to control things is by being overly accountable? This kind of controlling is SO undercover. If you are responsible for everything, then you have the control to fix it, right?
Being responsible for what IS in your domain is a good thing, but being responsible for what is in the domain of others results in enabling behaviors, being in uneven relationships and, ultimately, a massive sense of frustration because it doesn’t work in the long run to be responsible for everything.
The good: Yes, being a productive member of society and doing your part is fantastic.
Consider this: Hello overachieving and burn out. Yup. Not all resting, doing enjoyable things, watching tv or not doing something every second is the result of laziness. Resting is vital to daily life.
Sleeping in and of itself is not for lazy people, is it? It is a basic need. It’s just a question of balance. Sleep or rest or just “not work” the amount that is right for your body, stress levels, health status.
The good: Having a vision and a place you are headed with any area of your life is excellent. Creating some structure through planning might be great for your specific temperament and personality.
Consider this: This can be a recipe for getting stuck in your head. A potential disconnection from what you really want or need. What you need and want has the potential to change. And there needs to be a connection to those changes and a response to them. That might mean letting go of a goal or plan. And that’s OK.
Ultimately…
Just as it relates to the currents of thought outlined here, where do you land?
Do you tend to find yourself over helping, being overly responsible, over working or overly rigid with your plans?
It could be a good time to take a look at how these currents of thought may have crept in and might not actually be true (or good!) for you.
You might be finding yourself in relationship dynamics where you are being too accountable. If you are not sure what this means, take a moment and go back to the last post about this here. I’m going to be honest with you: making a shift …
It’s a thing: being too accountable. The concept of being responsible for your actions is a positive and empowering message communicated by good parents, respectable organizations, teachers, mental health professionals, leaders with integrity and many others. And it should be. It is an important skill: …
You don’t want to be a jerk so you say “I’m not mad, I’m frustrated”.
I like that you are trying to be nice. That’s sweet.
But it’s really not helping you.
By labeling your anger “frustration”, you are missing out on the true message your emotions are trying to send. In essence, you are getting bad directions. And that just takes longer. I really don’t want unpleasant things to take longer. I bet you feel the same.
This post is #9 in a series of 10: Ten Basic Emotions and their Messages.
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Before we start, let’s quickly set the stage.
Each emotion has a general message it wants to convey. Once that message is delivered (meaning you accept it that it is present and that its presence is OK) the wave of that emotion can be processed.
Sometimes there are multiple waves of the emotion. Sometimes it takes a little time for the emotion to process through the body, sometimes it is relieved right away. It just depends.
It’s important to remember that there are nuances to the system. Each emotion also has a spectrum of how helpful it can be.
Frustration wants to let you know that something is blocking your way and you need to “helicopter up” to see the obstacle so you can remove it or find an alternate route.
We all want to get where we are going. That’s why traffic sucks.
Frustration shows up like a Waze notification to tell you there is an incident ahead and wants to help you find a way around it so you can get to your destination without too much delay. Except, you probably get caught up with complaining or getting mad about the obstacle instead of trying to figure out what it is. I know I do.
What if you could use frustration to your advantage? As it was meant to be used?
Remember, anger is telling you that a boundary of yours has been crossed. Or, at least, you think it has.
Anger means you need to address the boundary crossing. Frustration means you need to back up and find your way around or find a way to remove what is getting in the way.
Both of them usually reside in the arms, hands, upper back, shoulders and jaw. They both give you energy to address the problem.
However, frustration usually happens when you are trying to make progress toward a goal (which can involve a person in an interaction, but it can also be about a situation or thing–like traffic or technology). Anger usually happens in relationship to others (or yourself).
You are discussing a problem with your partner. You notice that you are having a hard time understanding each other so it is taking a while to solve the problem. Frustration or anger?
During the discussion, your partner says “are you an idiot?” Frustration or anger?
If you are frustrated, you might get that signal in your body and pause the conversation for a second (or longer). Usually this is easier if the frustration is not super high, obviously, and you are trying to practice being mindful. You might helicopter up (get a birds eye view) and say, “I’m getting frustrated, I think we are missing each other here. Can you tell me in a different way?”
If you or your partner are angry, you want to stop the conversation and let your partner know that is not OK to address you that way. You probably both need a minute (or longer) to cool down and reset before you try again.
One requires looking for and figuring how to deal with an obstacle, the other is about holding a boundary or protecting yourself, if needed.
It will make you look mature and smart and just awesome to be around. People will like you 😉
We use this format of healing all the time: talking with people we trust. So, why not talk with your trusted friend? Why pay money to talk with a therapist or coach? If you find the right therapist, it should feel like talking to a …