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Throughout your life you will connect with people you encounter at school, work, and in your personal life. As you develop relationships with different people you will need to utilize a variety of skills to maintain positive, healthy relationships that make life more enjoyable. In …
If you’ve read self development books, been to therapy, studied psychology or follow emotional intelligence, therapy or trauma informed accounts on social media, chances are you’ve developed a good deal of self awareness about your “stuff”. We’ve all been handed experiences or circumstances in our …
If you’re human, you use defense mechanisms even though you might not consciously know it; and so does everyone you know. And when you can actually see them, your communication, problem solving skills, emotional health and relationships improve.
Let’s break this down – what they are and how they work – so you can identify the ones you tend toward.
“Defense mechanisms are psychological strategies that are unconsciously used to protect a person from anxiety arising from unacceptable thoughts or feelings.” (Mcleod, Saul. “Defense Mechanisms In Psychology Explained (+ Examples).” Simply Psychology. March 8, 2023. https://simplypsychology.org/defense-mechanisms.html)
These defenses kick in automatically when we feel threatened or overwhelmed in some way. It’s a way the psyche separates you from something you don’t think you can handle.
There are many defense mechanisms. Here are a few that you’ve probably heard of because they’re more common.
One of the most common defense mechanisms, that most people have heard of, is denial. It is common to hear someone say “you’re in denial” when a person refuses to accept something that is so obviously true to everyone else. Denial can result in a person unknowingly blocking things from their mind so they don’t have to deal with a situation or emotions that can cause stress or be painful. (Holland, Kimberly. “10 Defense Mechanisms: What Are They and How They Help Us Cope.” Health Line. June 21, 2022. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/defense-mechanisms#common-defense-mechanisms)
An example of denial can be when a person in an abusive relationship makes excuses for their partner’s behavior and won’t admit that what their partner is doing is wrong or hurtful. On an unconscious level, the psyche decides that excusing or denying the real problem is less overwhelming than confronting it.
Britannica defines Projection as a form of defense in which unwanted feelings are displaced onto another person, where they then appear as a threat from the external world.
Admitting that we are wrong or demonstrate undesirable traits can be hard (and we’re not taught how to deal with this) so it can lead us to unconsciously project, or attribute it to others. (“How Does It Work?: Projection Defense Mechanism” Better Health. March 22, 2023. https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/defense-mechanisms/what-is-the-projection-defense-mechanism-and-how-it-works/)
An example of this can be when a person with angry feelings accuses someone else of being angry; or a cheating spouse constantly suspects that their partner is being unfaithful.
We may feel overwhelmed or threatened by our feelings or flaws so we’re not able to own them, we actually believe those around us that they are the ones who have the problem in order to alleviate those negative feelings within us.
If you have ever heard someone say that they “blocked out” something that happened to them, then they have used repression as a defense mechanism.
The national library of medicine says that repression is subconsciously blocking ideas or impulses that are undesirable. An example can be when a person has no recollection of a traumatic event, even though they were conscious and aware during the event.
Repressing memories of hurtful or unpleasant things that happened to you is a way to protect yourself. And although it may be a temporary way to escape painful emotions, it usually leads to stress, anxiety or physical symptoms in the future.
Some physical symptoms thought to be related to repression are:
There are several other defense mechanisms that are commonly experienced, see a list of more HERE.
First, recognizing it is a massive win. You might only recognize in retrospect at first, and that’s OK. That’s part of getting to know yourself. It’s never too late to become self-aware and make positive changes in the future.
Second, do your best to bring yourself into a regulated state. Focus on these 5 basic essentials that we discussed in a previous post:
1 – Food
2 – Water
3 – Rest
4 – Movement
5 – Mindfulness
*Read more about each HERE.
Third, once you are in a relaxed state, reflect on what might have been overwhelming to you. You can even make a list, sometimes seeing it on paper helps.
Fourth, bring this to your therapist. Let them know “I noticed my defenses go up when I am in x situation”.
Knowledge is power and when you know what is contributing to your defenses and you share that knowledge with a professional, it can lead to more productive sessions and healthier coping skills. This is the beginning of some transformational work in therapy.
Using a defense mechanism to cope is not necessarily a negative thing, it’s a way that we protect ourselves. However, if you don’t really get to the root of the problem and figure out how to move past it in a positive way you will always struggle with the problem or give it power over you. That’s why identifying and understanding your defenses are essential to growing and developing healthy coping skills.
There’s a lot of information out there about abandonment issues, but what about self abandonment? And why is self abandonment a problem? Abandonment issues are essentially the fear of being left. Usually because an important figure was not present when you were young. The way …
Parental burnout is real. And, it’s coming up a lot right now. Summer is over, kids are adjusting to the routine of being back in school, pandemic restrictions and concerns have largely been lifted… yet many parents may be finding themselves exhausted, overwhelmed, stressed and …
There’s a lot more information about trauma out there on social media now, which is great because it elevates collective awareness around trauma and how it impacts our daily lives.
You’ve probably heard of flight or flight as responses to trauma triggers, but you may not have heard so much about what the “fawn” response is, and we want to shed some light on that here.
“A trauma response is the reflexive use of over-adaptive coping mechanisms in the real or perceived presence of a trauma event…” (mindbodygreen.com | mbghealth | Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn: Examining The 4 Trauma Responses; Julie Nguyen, Kristina Hallett, September 11, 2021)
If you experience something that your body feels is unsafe your brain will activate a response to keep you safe. It’s like an alarm is set off when the trauma occurs and then you are triggered to silence the alarm.
Sometimes the experience may not be life threatening or a really big event, like a death or war, smaller events can also be linked to trauma. These events, though smaller, can still be overwhelming and cause stress. There is a range of what trauma can look like and it doesn’t have to be huge to impact you in a significant way.
“Trauma affects you differently depending on whether you have experienced it once, repeatedly, or over the course of time.” (University of Maryland Medical System | Trauma Response: Understanding How Trauma Affects Everyone Differently)
The four types of trauma responses are: Fight, Flight, Freeze, Fawn. You have probably heard of the first three; fight is when you take action in some way to address the trauma, flight is when you avoid or run away from the problem and/or others, freeze is when you can’t do anything, almost like a play dead response…but what about that last one, fawn? Let’s take a look at what the fawn response is.
Most of us want others to like us and be happy. But if you are always going over and beyond to appease people and ignore your own needs then you could be exhibiting a fawn response.
“Fawning is a trauma response where a person develops people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict and to establish a sense of safety.” (charliehealth.com | Is Fawning a Trauma Response? What You Need to Know | Charlie Health Editorial Team)
Some patterns associated with people who exhibit this trauma response include being overly agreeable, afraid to say no and being disconnected from their own needs due to always prioritizing the needs of others. The trauma they have experienced has led them to believe that they have to go with the flow in order to stay safe; they cannot say no because that will lead to a place or circumstance that is unsafe for them. (Peters, Jen | @jenpeters_soulguide_healer)
This is common in trauma survivors as they will try to please their abusers so that they hopefully can avoid more abuse. It can also be present for people in toxic or high-conflict relationships because they want to keep peace and not have to deal with conflict; they would rather just do whatever they can to make the other person happy.
The fawn response is a coping mechanism that you may feel is essential for survival or your only chance at living in peace. Unfortunately, fawning can lead to losing yourself. If you are constantly tending to the needs of others and putting them and their well-being first; you start to abandon yourself, which will eventually diminish your self-worth along with other challenges that impact your life.
Once you realize that a fawn response is what you are dealing with, it’s helpful to take steps to start to get to know your boundaries. Don’t judge yourself, instead acknowledge that your trauma response was your way of coping and surviving. (Amjad, Amna | @sonder.therapy) There are some helpful posts on boundaries here and here.
It’s a process and you can start by assessing your personal values so you can determine what is important to you and the people you want in your life.
You will also have to learn to be comfortable with other people not liking you or not always being happy with you. Again, this is a process. Therapy is a helpful tool because you have the support from a trained professional to help you identify and hold the boundaries
This includes tolerating and/or communicating through the discomfort that comes with other people’s responses. Remember, that is a trauma trigger: other people’s responses to what you imagine or what they actually don’t like. So your mind will send up the flares saying that something is definitely wrong as you go through the process of healing the fawn response. It takes practice and may require professional support. Doing this practice and getting support has the potential to rebalance your relationships, break generational patterns and lead to tremendously improved health on so many levels.
“Feelings are meant to be felt, and if we keep attempting to extinguish our own emotions, we are actively fighting and denying what makes us human.” (healthline.com |People-Pleaser? Here Are 5 Ways to Unlearn Your ‘Fawn’ Response; Sam Dylan Finch)
Keep in mind, we are human beings raised by human beings, we’re going to have some adverse experiences. The point of understanding trauma and our natural responses is to not villainize the people who raised you; they did the best they could with the knowledge, resources and capabilities they had.
Sometimes people do things that get under your skin and they usually aren’t doing them because they’re rude or annoying. More than likely it’s because they are responding to something intense in their internal world. Of course, it might annoy you and push your buttons, …
Have you heard someone say that a person is emotionally unavailable? Or maybe they have said that they are emotionally unavailable. This is a term that gets used a lot on social media so we thought we’d take a moment to clear it up and …
There’s a lot of conversation around holding boundaries with people in our life. But how about with ourselves? If we are putting an emphasis on something like boundaries in a relationship, we also want to check in on what we are doing around that very same topic in our relationship with ourselves.
Let’s talk about why this is important and then we will get into what that actually looks like.
Everything begins within. So, if you have expectations of others, it’s important to hold yourself to similar standards. This is part of living with integrity (which means living in alignment with your values).
When you’re not doing with yourself what you expect of others, the fact that they’re not meeting expectations will be amplified. There will be more impatience, irritation and frustration. Those emotions are trying to get your attention so that you will be aware of those areas where you might not be living out those values. This supports your growth and evolution.
You want other people to be loving, but are you loving with yourself?
You want others to communicate, but do you have attunement and communication with your own internal world?
And, of course, you want other people to respect your boundaries, but are you respecting your own boundaries?
These are questions to ask yourself because you may not even realize that you aren’t treating yourself in the same manner that you expect others to treat you. If this is the case, it’s OK! We all have spaces where we can clean this up.
When someone says, “I give you my word” they are essentially making a promise, and they are putting their own reputation and values on the line because if they don’t follow through it reflects negatively on that person. When they do follow through, that person is considered trustworthy and dependable.
It’s the same concept with your own inner dialogue. Your word is the foundation of self discipline.
When this is solid, you have the power to do anything you set your sights on because you can count on yourself to follow through.
When you promise yourself that you will do something, what happens? Do you feel pretty sure you will follow through? Or does it feel kind of flimsy, like you know it’s probably not going to happen?
It’s normal to have a higher regard for a promise to someone else than ones that you make to yourself. That’s because there’s been a lot of training and conditioning to make sure you meet the expectations of others; unfortunately this sometimes means that what you need to do for yourself falls by the wayside.
The good news is, the tide is turning. We are learning to balance our needs with the needs of others. Mastering this balance is beneficial for everyone, you and the people you interact with. And, it means the space to grow your personal power is more available than ever. (Learn more about self-care in a previous blog post HERE)
Now, how would your life be different if you followed through and held your boundaries with yourself?
If you are able to discern what is truly important to you and hold yourself to those standards, life will feel and look different. You will feel more peace because that’s what comes with living in sync with your values. You’ll also feel a greater sense of empowerment because you are managing your responses to personal situations in a way that shows respect for yourself and what you have identified as important to you.
In addition, the need for relationships to mirror back these places where there is a misalignment will be reduced. And, in cases when relationships do mirror back and reveal the places where boundaries with yourself are not being upheld, it’ll be easier to deal with because you’ll now be aware that it’s a mirror showing you what you need to clear up within yourself.
Boundaries with yourself are essential to both life satisfaction and healthy relationships with others. “When we respect ourselves, we are more worthy of receiving love and, in turn, giving love to others.” (mindbodygreen.com | 12 Ways To Show Yourself Respect (And Teach Others To Do The Same); Danielle Dowling, Psy.D.)
Holding a boundary creates safety and helps you trust yourself. This leads to you feeling confident in the decisions you make for yourself and to be able to connect with others in a positive way.
Boundaries with yourself can include things such as: saying no to things that drain you, not working on the weekends or during designated family time or taking breaks from social media.
Boundaries with others can include things like: asking them to give you space when you are overwhelmed and need some alone time, letting people know that you have a specific amount of time available for a meeting/other event and not staying past that time frame, speaking up and let them know if you are not comfortable talking about something or answering a question. This can all be communicated and executed with love.
Upholding boundaries with yourself also includes the important work of maintaining the boundaries you put in place with others. Having proper boundaries has to do with follow through, not just communication.
You can tell someone you’re not okay with something, but if you allow it to happen anyway you’re not following through; therefore they’ll likely assume that boundary isn’t important to you. You telegraph to others what you are willing to allow by how you adhere to boundaries. We talked about this previously when we covered ‘How to Make Setting Boundaries Easier and More Effective’.
Setting boundaries for yourself is important and it may take a little practice to learn how to uphold those boundaries. But once you start to see the positive changes that come along with sticking to those boundaries it will become easier.
Couples therapy can be so helpful to work through issues and learn positive ways to communicate with your partner. The couples who see the most impactful results are those who start sooner. Destigmatizing couple’s therapy and preparing for the process together can set you and …