Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Couples therapy can be so helpful to work through issues and learn positive ways to communicate with your partner. The couples who see the most impactful results are those who start sooner. Destigmatizing couple’s therapy and preparing for the process together can set you and …
It’s easy to get overwhelmed when you are taking the first steps to begin therapy. You might be wondering if now is the right time to start therapy; or you may have already made the decision to move forward with therapy but are not sure …
Feelings as a source of information have been discounted for so long, we have some catching up to do! There are some pieces of feeling-related advice that have become commonplace like “listen to your heart”, which is progress.
But what does that actually mean?
Here are some guidelines for how to listen to yourself in a helpful way:
If you are, there are probably some things you want to say or do that are coming from a place of pain vs your true heart feelings. The feelings (including and especially the pain) are super important to process, but it is not the time to take action on them yet if the pain is active.
So, if you are in emotional pain, the only thing you need to do is pay attention to those feelings by acknowledging them (here are exact instructions on how to do that). That IS listening to yourself. You can do that by writing them out, venting them out to a safe third party (a therapist is a good option), or moving your body.
If you are overwhelmed with emotional pain, you want to be careful of flooding (read about that here) and it is best to move away from the pain so you can process and get some perspective. Otherwise staying with the pain is likely re-traumatizing you.
You know how a truth can come to the surface and it can be a hard one, but all of the sudden the waters are calm? It doesn’t mean the feeling is easy. It means the truth is here and it is what it is.
If you are in that space, you can trust that guidance to take whatever action you need to take. If you need help on exact guidance that comes through common emotions and what to do with that guidance, check out this guide.
Let this not be confused with employing avoidance strategies that let you “work around” the uncomfortable feelings. For example, “It doesn’t matter” or “this will blow over”.
Uh. That’s called sweeping things under the rug. That gives you peace because you don’t have to deal with it. That’s not what I’m talking about.
There is no around. There is THROUGH. Either now or later. I try to choose through if I can. Otherwise, the “later” option usually involves more emotional pain.
No thank you.
Our defenses and coping mechanisms are sneaky. So make sure you are not just repeating old patterns here. Again: therapists as an objective third party can help with this. They are trained to be accurate mirrors. Find one you trust and go to them in these moments.
This is a must. When you tell the story of what is upsetting you or bringing up big feelings, you want to check for these things:
Are you making any assumptions? Like are you thinking you know how someone feels, but they haven’t told you that? Are you connecting dots and putting pieces together on your own?
When you are telling the story (writing it or telling it to a safe third party), is your narrative pretty coherent? Meaning, you’re not jumping all over the place? Instead it’s just a clear, simple, cohesive narrative.
Are you saying or thinking things like: “people always do this” or “why does this always happen to me”? Is it a complaint or feeling you find yourself having a lot over the course of your life? That’s a clue that there is likely an old program running (read what that means here) and probably doing work on yourself first is the best way to go.
You want to make sure your thinking is straight because you don’t want to get caught following the guidance of misled thoughts (we all have them). Read more about that here.
Following your heart means “true”, “helpful”, “timely” and “kind” action.
Are you feeling like the issues you want help for are on the social black list? Let’s talk about how to work around shame and so you can get help no matter how bad you think it is. Imagine saying the following statement out loud …
Joy. Yes, that feeling you want, that everybody wants, but you never want to have to think about it. Let me be honest. When I read headlines that mention happiness or joy, I’m like “sure, but I have really important things to do like help …
Therapy is for people who want to be proactive about resolving limitations and growing through difficulties. Don’t believe me? Check out this Forbes article.
Obviously, people experience different issues and levels of chaos in their lives. Some people have been dealt a deck of cards that is very difficult. But, having super difficult stuff is not the only reason to go to therapy.
Usually that threshold is marked by emotional or physical pain. You find yourself repeating patterns and you are sick of it. Maybe you hate yourself for how you are handling things. You are physically uncomfortable with the intensity of your emotional experience, whether that is anger or anxiety. Or maybe, nothing is fulfilling anymore. And the numbing or lack of meaning or motivation is unbearable.
When my clients come in feeling like they are at the end of their rope, I always tell them this is great news and it is perfect that they are feeling this way. I’m pretty sure they don’t love it.
Here’s why it is great news: In the human emotional system, pain is a powerful motivator. That is the design. If you are in pain, you will likely seek to mitigate it. Hopefully you make some positive choices when you are trying to soothe the discomfort, like look for a therapist or get advice from a friend who is a positive influence. As opposed to other choices that could just land you in a deeper pool of struggle.
Consider the central tenet of Humanistic psychology: human beings are always tending toward growth. We have an innate drive toward self actualization. That means you are going to set yourself up in situations that are going to push you to grow past limitations. Often unconsciously.
It definitely doesn’t look like this at first. It looks like a sh*t storm and you are not loving it. It looks like things are going really wrong in your life. But don’t let this fool you.
In the moment of the hard stuff, you don’t have to worry too much about what growth wants to happen or what the circumstances are mirroring back to you.
Your therapist can help you sort out what limitation you are trying to grow past through the current difficult circumstances showing up in your life.
So, basically, either your internal world (you pass a threshold of discomfort) or your external world will give you the clue that it is time for to look for a therapist.
If you find a therapist that is a good fit for you and you do yourself a favor to make sure you get the most out of therapy, it will work and help you recover as well as grow through the challenge you are facing.
You want to make sure that your life philosophies somewhat match up. It doesn’t have to be exact, but you are going to be growing toward your therapist’s orientation toward challenges and emotional difficulties, so you don’t want to block that process by just not being a match. You will spend more time in therapy wondering if you trust your therapist’s reflections and whether you feel right about where you are being led than actually healing. Waste of time and money. Just do your best get the right fit from the beginning. Look at therapist profiles, call up a couple that you think could be a good match, maybe even do a free in person consult with a couple if you are still not sure.
You are going to be spending a significant amount of time, make sure you find your therapist’s presence to be somewhat pleasant, in the very least.
This is different than a doctors office. When you go to the doctor, the doctor (or the technology or the medication) is doing the work in traditional terms. Make sure you come to therapy ready to be honest and wrestle with the resistance toward being vulnerable and receptive. You are going to get uncomfortable. Breathe with it.
Sometimes people want to stay longer for another round of goals. That’s awesome. But you should feel like you are getting somewhere. By having goals, you can see that you actually are making progress.
To be healthy, build a net before you need it. The earlier you make it to therapy, the easier it will be to make progress. If you see a challenge or growth period on the horizon, start a relationship with a therapist. You will be happy you did.