Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
This comes up a lot. I get that it is confusing. How can an interaction between two people not be personal? Meaning, how can you not take what someone does or says personally??? Well, it FEELS personal. Of course. The things is, most of what …
We’ve all been through some significant life adjustments in the months of quarantine. Some of them difficult to assimilate. And, there might be a couple that you found might suit you. No matter where you are in your stance toward the pandemic, the reality is …
So I wanted to take a minute to answer them in case you have that question too.
Like most things, the answer is “it depends”. But, I can tell you what factors come into play so you can get an idea for yourself and your own situation.
If you are coming to therapy because you are being proactive, you are probably not as concerned with this question.
One of the reasons you might start therapy proactively is to establish a working relationship with a therapist so you can get some support in looking at and improving some important aspects of your life. The other goal here is to have that relationship established and ready for when challenges do arise. You know this could be a long term relationship and it is an investment.
You might or might not go to therapy as frequently (I’ll talk about that next week), but it is an ongoing process to support your emotional and mental well being.
This is the same for children or adolescents. Sometimes parents will initiate therapy just to start a therapeutic relationship and get in some basic learning around emotional fluency and coping skills for their child or teen. Then their child or teen has a relationship with a therapist so they can access that relationship when developmental challenges come up around friend issues, academic stress, transition to adolescence or launching into adult life.
If you are starting therapy because there is a challenge coming up that you know really needs attention, I would expect at least six months.
The first part of therapy (4-6 weeks of weekly sessions), you are building trust with your therapist and your therapist is getting as full a picture as possible of what is going on. This cannot be skipped. Your therapist needs to know as much as possible to know how to best help you. AND you need to know that you trust your therapist. You are paying for their skill set that will support you in getting where you want to go. If you don’t have that trust, you will not be utilizing all they have to offer you.
From there, you are working on de-programming old beliefs, healing, developing insight into yourself, learning communication and coping skills and developing new habits and ways of dealing with things in your life that will support your growth so you can get through the challenge and be a better, healthier person.
I’ve seen people make it through challenges in as little as six months. Here’s the thing: these are people that are ready to take action on recommendations, who take notes either during session or right after to make sure they get as much as they can out of the time, who are willing to be open to reflections and humble to hard questions. They do the work in and outside of session. It’s the willingness that makes their sessions super effective (read more about that here).
Sometimes, when people make it through a challenge, they like to stay in therapy because they see how much they are able to get out of that support. The frequency of sessions might change over time depending on what is going on. Sometimes people will stop sessions due to the main goal for therapy being met and then they will just come back the next time something comes up. But the effort they put in not only helps them grow through their challenge, it builds their confidence in knowing that they can take on challenges successfully.
The same goes for older school age kids and adolescent clients: being open to and wanting to go to therapy makes a big difference in the process. See these posts here and here about kids and teens who are resistant to therapy.
If you are dealing with a crisis, meaning you are concerned about your own safety and daily functioning or your child’s, there are two distinct parts of your treatment. The first is stabilizing, the second is addressing the underlying dynamics and issues that brought things to a head.
People cannot sustain a crisis level situation for very long, but the work to address what created the crisis can take some time to unravel. There is a lot of variability in situations like this. Especially given that people can go in and out of a crisis state until they stabilize. The best thing to do is buckle up and be receptive to your therapist’s and your team’s (you might have a psychiatrist or multiple therapists working with different members of your family or school therapists working together) recommendations. That will be your fastest way through.
How much stress you have going on in your life does factor in to how long it will take to reach your goals in therapy.
If you have a number of stressors that take away from you being able to dedicate attention to your work in therapy, it might mean that you will need a little bit more time in therapy. That is not a bad thing.
If you have a high level of stress, therapy will address that so you can work to bring things to a more manageable level. This is a good thing for your overall health and well being.
If it is your child or teen who is in therapy, you want to take life circumstances into consideration: do they have a school transition (going to middle school or high school) or family transition (divorce, remarriage, move) going on? Is there a person in the family who is ill? Are there some difficult sibling dynamics? These things may add to the time it takes to make progress toward goals.
Do people in your life support you going to therapy? Are there people in your life you can share with about your experiences in therapy who can reinforce the work you are doing?
This can just be someone who asks “what did your therapist say about that” to help you bring back the perspective and guidance you received. Or this person might just be a great listener and someone who is safe to talk to in between sessions while you are working through your stuff. That kind of support helps your progress in therapy.
If your child is in therapy, if you are participating in sessions and help implement the skills your child is learning in daily life, that makes a HUGE difference.
Not everyone is convinced that feelings are important. I get that. If you are one of those people who is not totally convinced that feelings are that big a deal, this is for you. I explain it this way often to my clients… How hard …
Burnout is real. Not only is it miserable for you, it’s toxic for your health and your relationships. You know this already. What you might not know about is these four signs that are about real life. Be honest with yourself when you look at …
When overwhelm hits, it feels like you need to do all the things.
What actually needs to happen is taking a step back. Not much good comes from action that is done out of an unregulated nervous system and chaotic thinking.
You are the expert on your situation. If the captain of the ship is not clear, the whole ship is in trouble.
Also, if you stay in the overwhelm too long, you may be flooding. Which is actually traumatizing your nervous system. Read more about that here and here.
Instead of being swept away by it, are you willing to take ahold of the situation by choosing to care for yourself?
That means choosing to bring down the emotional intensity rather than getting wrapped up in the why it’s happening to you questions and how you are going to get through it ideas.
Can you remember that this is not the time to make decision or take actions? That time will come shortly, but metabolizing your emotions and regulating your nervous system have to come first.
That means you do what you need to do to calm your nervous system.
You are your own best resource for solutions and that precious resource gets hyjacked by really intense emotion.
So, make a list in your phone of things that help you get your emotional system back on track.
Is it a friend you talk with? Is it taking a walk? Is it doing something mundane, like starting the laundry or going grocery shopping? Is it an enjoyable but distracting activity like talking to a friend about their day or looking at your favorite animal accounts on social media?
Make that list, always add to it and go to it when you need to calm your nervous system so you can come back online as your own best resource for solutions.
Making a plan to move forward might only be delayed by 5 minutes if you are in a willing place to care for yourself instead of being swept away with the overwhelm. [Read more here about why willingness is SO important]
The more you practice this, the more easily you will do this under any kind of stress.
If you need support learning how to do this, we are here to help. Contact us.
Have you seen the Mr. Rogers movie? If you haven’t, the part I loved the most (without giving anything away) is how aware he was of others. Somewhere along the line in your holiday season this year, there will be someone who is making a …
Happily Family is a fantastic parenting resource that offers bi-annual conferences that include big names in the field of psychology, coaching, membership programs that offer group support and lots of incredible free content. They share in such a relatable and compassionate way, it is a …
Boundaries are one of the most important ways you care for your relationships and for yourself. It’s a way of being honest about what works for you and what doesn’t. This has nothing to do with being selfish.
When you are not clear with others about your limits, the result is usually leading you down a road of resentment and/or anger. That road leads to a breakdown in the relationship (think: blow up) or you distancing yourself. So, you either end up feeling like a monster or feeling isolated, not because of anyone else’s fault.
I say all this with as much compassion and humility as possible. Boundary work is an on-going practice (I’m practicing too!). So, no matter how much you know, there will be times where you get it wrong and that’s ok. You can repair it and try again. The point is to practice so that you are empowered and know what is inside your locus of control rather than feeling like “people just don’t get it” or feeling unloved or unseen.
People feel more comfortable knowing what your boundaries are (even if they don’t like it at first) and trust that you will be straight with them if there is something that bothers you (rather than leaving the relationship or talking with others behind their back).
We think people should “know” the boundaries. But, in reality, people have all different kinds of limits. Some boundaries relate to natural temperament, some correspond to culture or ethnicity, some stem from family dynamics, some are a response to painful experiences, some relate to specific roles a person holds (like being a parent or holding a professional role within an organization like a manager or being a specific type of professional like a teacher or police officer) and the list goes on. So, we can’t assume that “everyone should know” what ALL appropriate boundaries are, even if we feel like some should just be common sense. There are a lot of factors at play!
Make sure you say it in plain english. Be kind, but direct.
For example: “I’m not really comfortable with x, so let’s do y instead”. Or letting someone know how things are done according to the rules or guidelines in your home or professional space. Or, if it is something more serious: “I do want to talk about this. And I will stop the conversation (or hang up the phone) if x happens”.
Adding some kind of “yes” in there helps create a way forward with the interaction. Only including a form of “no” may stop things all together because the other person might not know what to do or how to respond. People can experience a boundary assertion as you pushing them away. So, by including a “yes” like “I do want to talk about this”, you offer reassurance.
Boundaries are not always honored right away. People test them. If they are pushing boundaries, it usually is not conscious or malicious in any way.
I have a boundary in my practice that people need to cancel 24 hours prior to an appointment, otherwise, I charge for the session. I do that to be able to plan my time to get work outside of sessions done (caring for myself and my business) and I want to protect time for people to be able to come in for a session if they are trying to squeeze in because something difficult has come up (caring for my clients as a whole). I also do that to protect my relationships with my clients (caring for the relationships with my clients). I don’t want there to be a reason to feel angry or resentful toward a client. That’s just not fair. When there is a late cancellation or missed session, I let my client know about the charge. I do not criticize, I do not get angry, I just hold it with objectivity and compassion. I allow the boundary to do the work.
When you express anger about a boundary being crossed, the conversation becomes about your anger, not the boundary. That doesn’t change behaviors or preserve the relationship, it just poisons the relationship. Does that make sense?
You are the person that cares the most about your boundaries. Regardless of the reason for the boundary crossing, whether the other person is “right” or “wrong” in their actions, the person responsible for upholding it is you. Because it is your limit. Getting into the right and wrong of it doesn’t help anyone.
You don’t have boundaries for fun. You have them for a reason. Because you care about your relationships and yourself. So, while you might feel anger (that is your notification that a boundary has been crossed), the way to manage that anger is to channel it into holding a boundary when you are ready to communicate directly and objectively (see tip #2).
If you are feeling like you need some support in learning what your boundaries are or how to communicate about them, let us offer you some support. Contact us.
**Disclaimer: All of this is assuming that the parties involved are not dealing with significant emotional or mental health challenges that create a threat or sense of danger on any level in the relationship**
The first day of school is around the corner so we decided to round up our top tips from each of the therapists on our One Heart team. We want to set you up for success as you transition into the fresh new school year! …