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Applying to college is an exciting milestone for high school students, but it’s also very stressful. Comparing different schools, writing essays, submitting applications, and waiting for decisions, can be very overwhelming. College counselors are a great resource during this time because they are able to …
The school year is usually nonstop for teens. There is so much going on with school, extracurricular activities, sports, social events and more. So there may not be a lot of time to focus on emotional well-being. But summer is usually different. There are less …
We have entered the holiday season and perfectionism is something that can come up now more than other times of the year, especially for perfectionists. However, you can create trust and connection without being perfect.
In our last blog post we talked about the cost of perfectionism and about the fear and anxiety that people experience in relation to being a perfectionist. (Read it HERE)
Since the holiday season has already begun and some of the struggles related to being perfect may have already surfaced, it’s a good time to reflect and learn so that the rest of this season can be more enjoyable and less stressful.
First it’s important to remember that the most valuable thing about any event or any destination is the quality of the experience.
You could be in the picture perfect place with the picture perfect things and have a miserable experience. Likewise, some of the best experiences have happened under imperfect circumstances.
Think about it, when you are so focused on making things perfect you are distracted from the main point which is the quality of the interpersonal experience. So, how can you shift your perspective and focus on the quality of the experience? You can do this by having integrity.
Having integrity means being congruent, clear and accountable. Let’s break this down.
This means what is on the inside is what is on the outside.
Here’s an example: You really want to make hand-made, perfect little holiday name card holders for your holiday table. Do it because YOU love it. Make extra time for it because it brings you joy, not because you want other people to be happy about the cute name card holders.
When you are doing things for other people’s reactions and are keeping receipts (i.e. I did xyz so you should be grateful), you are putting a strain on yourself and your relationships.
Even though it might not be totally conscious, you are expecting someone’s level of excitement or gratefulness about something to match yours; when in reality it may not be important to them. Therefore, they may not give you the reaction you are expecting.
That is not a formula for an enjoyable time with family and friends. It will only lead to you being let down and upset.
So get really clear on what you want to do and why you are doing it. Make sure that you are not doing it for someone who isn’t really asking you to do that.
Decide what you want for your holidays and stay congruent with that. Listen to and honor your body.
If you bite off more than you can chew, that’s okay, that’s where the next part comes in.
Communication is a big part of having integrity. Start with getting clear with yourself, then get clear with the people in your circle.
Get clear on what you are up for and what you are not up for. You can even start the conversation with: “I really want to do xyz, but I also know I might be taking on more than I can handle, so I’ll keep you posted”.
Being upfront and honest with family and friends about what you want and what you have time and energy for during the holidays will help ensure that you are all on the same page.
If you just assume people know what you are thinking or feeling, then you may be setting yourself up for problems.
This might be related to who is going to host, what food you are going to cook, how much you are going to spend, what events you are going to attend, etc.
So check in with yourself and communicate with love from there. Sometimes others will have a reaction to that. That’s OK. It is theirs to handle.
This is the most important part of integrity: if you can’t do what you said you were going to do, be accountable by letting your people know.
When you acknowledge that you said one thing but actually need to do another, that builds trust and connection. Most people will understand and give grace to those who are upfront and accountable for their actions. If you make excuses or do not acknowledge the reasons why you did not follow through, people may not be as understanding. They may feel hurt or disappointed and direct those feelings toward judgement.
When you are accountable, you keep the space clear and clean so there is no distraction from the actual emotions of disappointment or hurt. Those emotions can be processed. Judgements cause tension.
For example you can say “Baking 3 kinds of homemade pies, making scalloped potatoes and having 9 Christmas trees will lead to me being overextended and stressed, causing me to have a crappy holiday; and it is just not worth it.”
When explained this way, people will understand that you are making a choice that is right for you because the original plan will have a negative impact not only on you, but on them. The people who love and care about you ultimately want what is best for you and your explanation will give them clarity about your decision and why you made it. This creates trust and connection.
If you love getting fancy and doing all the little hand-made details and decorations, do that and focus on the joy it brings you. If that is not your idea of a fun time, then prioritize the quality time spent with your family; understanding that just being present with them is enough if that’s what brings you joy.
This is how you set the tone; being congruent (doing what you actually want to do, not what others expect), being clear (with yourself and others) and being accountable if plans change. If you focus on these 3 elements you will create trust and connection with those you care about and you will begin to see that being perfect is not necessary in order to enjoy the holidays.
This question comes up a lot. And for good reason. For parents, it can come up around whether to mandate that a child follow through with something like a sports commitment. For adults, it can come up around whether to stay at a demanding job …
Therapy is not cheap. It requires resources. Both time and money, obviously. But in order for it to be as effective as possible, it requires your energy and attention. I think therapy can benefit most people, regardless of how well or how poorly life seems …
One way kids learn about how to talk about and handle emotions is from their parents, both directly and indirectly. How you handle emotions (yours and theirs) makes a significant impact.
Yes, like literally being able to name a feeling.
It seems too simple, but as leading author, psychiatrist and mental health expert, Daniel Siegel, M. D. says: you have to “name it to tame it”.
Essentially, emotions want to be seen. Sometimes just acknowledging them is enough to have them process and evaporate.
As a baby, you might reflect it back to them “oh, you feel frustrated”. Just like you talk to them to help their brain develop on so many levels. You talk to them to help them develop a vocabulary and dialogue around emotions.
You can ask them what they think other kids are feeling like their siblings, friends or other kids you encounter in the world who are having big feelings.
This helps your child pair their internal state with the word. Eventually, they will internalize that understanding and be able to label the feelings for themselves. Again, labeling the feeling can sometimes be enough to metabolize and resolve the emotion that has come up.
When you ask them how they think other children are feeling, that helps them with social connections, developing a sense of empathy and attunement. It teaches them to reflect on other’s emotional states naturally.
Sometimes that is because a person wants to hide an emotion that seems unacceptable, even simply because of societal standards. We worry about being viewed as intolerant or “not nice” if irritation or anger comes up.
“If I were in your position, I might feel pretty mad about that.”
“It would be understandable if that upset you.”
“I wouldn’t blame you for being frustrated about that.”
“I think a lot of people might feel sad in that same situation”
And then leave it. No need to say anything further or have them agree.
These are simply ways to make space for there to be emotion.
Your child or teenager doesn’t have to acknowledge that is the way they feel or might even fully reject your statement. That’s OK.
If you are not sure what the emotion is, you might simply replace the specific emotion with “feel something”. For example: “It would be understandable if you felt something about that”.
Reflecting about feelings leads to acknowledgement of feelings, which leads to better emotional regulation and increased ability to problem solve and communicate.
Feelings will occur whether they are acknowledged or not. Better to have them be part of conscious awareness rather than stored in the body or stored away for a big eruption of emotion at some later date.
If you would love further support around raising emotionally resilient kids, contact us!
It’s one of those things, like exercising and eating healthy that you know is good for you but can be hard to do consistently, right? You know meditation and mindfulness practice has a physiological impact on your body. It supports your mental health and relationships …
There are a few basic emotional intelligence concepts coming up that can be helpful as we navigate this territory of the Coronavirus. Let’s lay the groundwork with those. Then, we can talk about 5 helpful thoughts that we can incorporate to how we are thinking …
I get that. If you are one of those people who is not totally convinced that feelings are that big a deal, this is for you.
I explain it this way often to my clients…
Usually the answer is: not that hard.
Right. It isn’t.
But we also resist it sometimes. Maybe it is the repetitive nature of the task or the fact that it is never done. There are always more dishes that need to be done, as long as we eat or drink, which we do because we have to sustain human life. Feelings are similar, they are always coming up, never done.
Then I ask: what would happen if you stopped doing the dishes?
First off, you run out of dishes and utensils that are clean. Which means no one can cook anything and you are eating and drinking straight from the fridge. A slight regression, but not THAT big of a deal.
If you live with anyone, more than likely, people are already bothered at this point. Maybe arguments even start up. Whichever kind your home culture prefers: the nagging type, the loud kind or the silent resentful variety.
The other thing that is happening is that you are now eating out. More expensive, probably less healthy than what you could make at home. In the long run, money and health issues coming up.
Maybe not horribly at first, but remember, you are not doing the dishes, so this is where things are headed for the long haul.
Now you have to think about what happens with those dirty dishes. At some point, they are likely going to attract pests. And that’s a whole new level of hassle.
Recently a friend and their family had to evacuate their apartment and pack out or wrap all the perishables (with an infant!) so their apartment could be fumigated because of cockroaches. They lived next door to an apartment unit that is a corporate apartment so people only live there for short periods. Somebody must have left food or dishes that were not cleaned up (or missed by the cleaning staff) and an infestation started. My friend’s family moved back in after being vacated for the better part of a week and there were still cockroaches. So they had to move their ENTIRE apartment (with an infant) to another unit in the building.
So, now you are potentially dealing with infestations in your home and your neighbors are impacted?
Just like the dishes, dealing with our feelings as they come up are not that big of a deal. Just like doing the dishes, not dealing with them leads to big issues that impact multiple areas of your life: relationships, finances, physical health, your home environment. Not to mention your internal world and your daily lived experience.
So, you practice (practice being the key word) recognizing them. You practice allowing them. You practice communicating them.
It might be: “I feel pressured and rushed right now, can we talk about this later?” Or “I felt sad when you said that”. Or “I feel frustrated”. Just simple little things. Like washing a dish.
I know feelings can be unpleasant, but don’t let that be the end point of that experience. There are lots of things in life that can be uncomfortable. Does that mean you stop right at the first sign of discomfort? No, you show up.
This is emotional health. Recognizing that you feel. And doing what you need to do to care for whatever is coming up whether it is just having to do with you or it is something coming up between you and someone else.
Just do the dish. Sometimes it’s a pan with lots of stuff crusted on it and it takes some effort. But I promise it’s worth it.
If you need support figuring out how to recognize or care for your feelings, we’ve got you. Contact us.
Also, check out this post about the messages your feelings are communicating to you, that could be a good next step too.
If you want a guide to what your emotions mean and where they show up in the body so you know when they are present, sign up for our email list (refresh the page and there will be a little banner that drops down). You will get a little cheat sheet for that you can save on your phone.
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