Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
We have entered the holiday season and perfectionism is something that can come up now more than other times of the year, especially for perfectionists. However, you can create trust and connection without being perfect. In our last blog post we talked about the cost …
This question comes up a lot. And for good reason. For parents, it can come up around whether to mandate that a child follow through with something like a sports commitment. For adults, it can come up around whether to stay at a demanding job …
Therapy is not cheap. It requires resources. Both time and money, obviously. But in order for it to be as effective as possible, it requires your energy and attention.
I think therapy can benefit most people, regardless of how well or how poorly life seems to be going. Increasingly, people are coming to therapy to be proactive about their mental health or the health of their relationships. I love this because every person, couple, family that invests in themselves in that way supports better physical health, relationship satisfaction and overall well being for themselves and those around them.
While simply engaging in therapy is a big step and can be very helpful, it’s important to understand that the degree to which you benefit is very much within your control.
If your therapist teaches you a strategy to manage a symptom or difficulty coming up, there is a really good reason for it. Many skills therapists teach to manage depression, anxiety, stress or communication issues have proven research behind them. Even if the skill seems simple.
If you don’t think that strategy will help, ask your therapist why your therapist thinks that skill will be helpful to you. The worst thing you can do is say “Ok”, then never try it. Honestly, that’s akin to taking a percentage of what you paid for your session and putting it into a shredder. I don’t think you would do that.
If you think you might have a hard time implementing the strategy, tell your therapist. That way you guys can find something you can do. Doing things that are inconvenient, uncomfortable or not natural to you are usually required for getting different results.
One hundred percent of my clients who reach their goals in therapy have done so because they actually implemented the things we discussed in session. That can be you too.
Your therapist went through a lot of training to be able to offer accurate reflections. If you trust your therapist and feel aligned with the way they work, make it a point to really consider what they are reflecting back to you. Even (and especially) if you don’t like it.
My therapist says surprising things to me regularly. She’s known me for over 15 years. She supports me and helps me find compassion for myself in difficult moments. And, she also reflects back to me things I didn’t think were true about myself. She did it last week. And, you know what? I really appreciate that. I don’t lash out at her. I don’t argue. I simply take what she says and take my time to consider if what she said is really true about me.
Want to take it a step further? Notice patterns that regularly come up in your life. It might be a reaction you regularly have to your child, partner, parent or coworker. You might find yourself repeatedly involved in certain circumstances. Bring what you notice to your therapist and ask for their help in seeing what you could learn about yourself from those patterns.
Those patterns are coming up repeatedly for a reason: there is something that is being shown to you so you can learn to do it differently and grow…maybe to grow closer to what you really want.
Sometimes those insights are hard won. Don’t let them simply float away. Not only that, continue your self reflection between sessions. Make sure to put those insights to work.
You don’t go to a trainer once a week and expect to reach a healthy weight or get stronger. You go to learn the exercises and the skills, then you practice on your own to reach your goals. Same with therapy.
I want you to. So does your therapist.
Not seeing a therapist and thinking about getting started? Contact us.
One of the foundations of emotional intelligence is being able to identify emotions. One way kids learn about how to talk about and handle emotions is from their parents, both directly and indirectly. How you handle emotions (yours and theirs) makes a significant impact. Yes, …
It’s one of those things, like exercising and eating healthy that you know is good for you but can be hard to do consistently, right? You know meditation and mindfulness practice has a physiological impact on your body. It supports your mental health and relationships …
There are a few basic emotional intelligence concepts coming up that can be helpful as we navigate this territory of the Coronavirus.
Let’s lay the groundwork with those. Then, we can talk about 5 helpful thoughts that we can incorporate to how we are thinking about all that is happening.
When we work on healing relationships and experiences in therapy, one of the central themes is that all human beings are capable of all things. That means the same person that has hurt you is also capable of being thoughtful, doing good deeds and loving you. This doesn’t excuse hurtful actions or harmful situations, it just helps to bring in a balanced perspective about people that creates some breathing room.
That is what I want to do here: create some breathing room.
I don’t want to minimize feelings in any way, just as we would never minimize feelings around a trauma. And, bringing in a more holistic picture can help.
In other words, challenges are easier to face and problems are easier to solve when you are proactive. When something is a full-on emergency, the only thing you can do is survive. Of course, there is a point of diminishing returns when someone becomes overly anxious and hyper vigilant. That is not helpful. But getting in front of things in a way that is calm and mindful is a good thing.
You could be the person getting dirty looks when you sneeze (not because you are sick) in Starbucks and you could also be person giving dirty looks to someone who coughs in the grocery store (who might have had something stuck in their throat). Someone could be judging you for not being cautious enough and you can be the same person a day later judging someone else for being not cautious enough.
Information and perspectives are changing fast. We don’t know everyone’s circumstances or how fear might be showing up for them. Fear can show up like anger, micromanaging, emotionality, inappropriate humor, denial or suspiciousness, among other things.
Be mindful and generous with your compassion.
This is a time where there is a lot of consciousness being raised around thinking about others. There have been a lot of conversations where I see people’s perspectives shifting when they start to consider what this may be like for people they know or for society as a whole. Most of the time, we might not have to consider the health and well being of others and the community as a whole. We might be mostly concerned with caring for our own health or our own family’s health. Or, we might not even be thinking of our health at all (if we’re lucky).
This is also bringing up important conversations about being a good community member and working together as a community. Think of how many people you see not picking up after themselves or stopping in front of others while on their phones, not being mindful of the impact on others. People you see doing that stuff are not jerks. That has become common place. Now people are thinking more deeply about others. It’s great teaching for kids and teens. And adults, of course!
The other piece is seeing how interconnected we are, that we can learn from one another globally and that efforts made as a whole can make a difference. If you haven’t seen this article yet on the research around why social distancing and other measures are important to slow the spread as well as how learning from other countries and other epidemics have helped, check it out. It is very matter of fact. It has been viewed 17 million times in the last 24 hours.
Like with any medical condition, catching it early helps the prognosis. Like with any emotional issue, we teach our clients about the importance of catching a feeling when it first starts to arise. We teach that awareness about it will help you employ coping and communication strategies before you go into fight or flight or a major escalation.
In this situation, taking measures does not have to be done out of fear. You don’t have to buy all the toilet paper or all the frozen food. You can buy a reasonable supply in case you do have to quarantine yourself/your family. You can be mindful about others who don’t have extra money to be stocking up in advance. You can reduce social contact by doing things online more when possible, frequenting high traffic places less, being vigilant about washing your hands. You can do all this to support flattening the curve versus out of fear of pandemonium.
Shift your thinking to support your own mental health and that of your loved ones. Panic doesn’t help anyone. Not your immediate loved ones or the others who are left without any supplies because people freaked out.
As they say, necessity is the mother of invention. Very important systems that are both private and public like big companies, small businesses, public schools, healthcare facilities as well as communities and families are having to come up with creative solutions to respond to what is happening. Some of these systems would take years to move as much as they have moved in the last week.
People are being forced to come up with out of the box solutions or try out ideas they have been resistant to before because of financial concerns or due to taking safety precautions. I’ve heard people brainstorming about some amazing ways to shift the way they do things and the ideas coming through are impressive.
Some of the changes happening now could be here to stay because we find out they work better! For one, people are actually staying home and taking care of themselves when they are sick instead of “muscling through it” and going in to work or school. Good! That’s how it should always be. I will gladly wave goodbye to the societal norms of overworking and championing productivity above all else including relationships, health and actually living.
Another one is that companies and individuals might find working from home actually results in a better quality of life and more productivity if it’s done right. Less time commuting, more time with family, happier pets. In fact, Costa Rica signed a new Work from Home Bill into law in Fall 2019 to encourage working from home for multiple reasons including reducing traffic, impact on the environment and increasing healthy productivity.
I’m interested to find out what else we might learn that works better as a result of this situation.
Fear is a funny emotion. It has so many faces. It doesn’t show up in a consistent way. In fact, I was just talking about this last in my own therapy session with my therapist (yes, therapists go to therapy too because it works and it keeps us in excellent working condition!) and we were laughing about how fear was showing up for me in such an uncommon way.
One way that fear often shows up is an attempt to control. It is common to try and gain control in our lives when we’re feeling most vulnerable or at risk of being “hurt” somehow (whether physically, emotionally or both). So, it can be a time to observe how you are responding to this situation, even if you don’t think you feel afraid.
You can ask yourself: In what ways am I trying to gain control right now because I’m afraid? What do I have control over versus not? When/where else in my life have I felt out of control and how did it affect me or others in my life? Journaling on this could be super helpful. Or bring this to your therapist.
A note on therapy: you don’t have to stop going to sessions because of the coronavirus. It’s a good time for reflection and exploration. Or to work on fears and anxieties. Ask your therapist for the option to do a video or phone session. Just make sure you have privacy and no distractions if you are going to do a remote session! Want more tips on online therapy sessions? Check out this page.
Emotions are messengers and fear’s message is to pay attention. And, that is a good message for right now. We do need to pay close attention to reliable information sources and to our actions. That will help keep us safe. And, when a feeling goes to an intensity that is too high, it is no longer helpful. So, we bring in these other thoughts and perspectives to balance the fear and keep it in a range that remains helpful.
Read more about fear as a messenger here.
Read more about the importance of managing emotional intensity here.
Not everyone is convinced that feelings are important. I get that. If you are one of those people who is not totally convinced that feelings are that big a deal, this is for you. I explain it this way often to my clients… How hard …
Every human has them. No matter how much work you have done on yourself. No matter how many skills you have. Overwhelming times descend upon us all. It could feel like anger, like panic, like fear. Any kind of intensity. Here’s the ONE question you …
Boundaries are one of the most important ways you care for your relationships and for yourself. It’s a way of being honest about what works for you and what doesn’t. This has nothing to do with being selfish.
When you are not clear with others about your limits, the result is usually leading you down a road of resentment and/or anger. That road leads to a breakdown in the relationship (think: blow up) or you distancing yourself. So, you either end up feeling like a monster or feeling isolated, not because of anyone else’s fault.
I say all this with as much compassion and humility as possible. Boundary work is an on-going practice (I’m practicing too!). So, no matter how much you know, there will be times where you get it wrong and that’s ok. You can repair it and try again. The point is to practice so that you are empowered and know what is inside your locus of control rather than feeling like “people just don’t get it” or feeling unloved or unseen.
People feel more comfortable knowing what your boundaries are (even if they don’t like it at first) and trust that you will be straight with them if there is something that bothers you (rather than leaving the relationship or talking with others behind their back).
We think people should “know” the boundaries. But, in reality, people have all different kinds of limits. Some boundaries relate to natural temperament, some correspond to culture or ethnicity, some stem from family dynamics, some are a response to painful experiences, some relate to specific roles a person holds (like being a parent or holding a professional role within an organization like a manager or being a specific type of professional like a teacher or police officer) and the list goes on. So, we can’t assume that “everyone should know” what ALL appropriate boundaries are, even if we feel like some should just be common sense. There are a lot of factors at play!
Make sure you say it in plain english. Be kind, but direct.
For example: “I’m not really comfortable with x, so let’s do y instead”. Or letting someone know how things are done according to the rules or guidelines in your home or professional space. Or, if it is something more serious: “I do want to talk about this. And I will stop the conversation (or hang up the phone) if x happens”.
Adding some kind of “yes” in there helps create a way forward with the interaction. Only including a form of “no” may stop things all together because the other person might not know what to do or how to respond. People can experience a boundary assertion as you pushing them away. So, by including a “yes” like “I do want to talk about this”, you offer reassurance.
Boundaries are not always honored right away. People test them. If they are pushing boundaries, it usually is not conscious or malicious in any way.
I have a boundary in my practice that people need to cancel 24 hours prior to an appointment, otherwise, I charge for the session. I do that to be able to plan my time to get work outside of sessions done (caring for myself and my business) and I want to protect time for people to be able to come in for a session if they are trying to squeeze in because something difficult has come up (caring for my clients as a whole). I also do that to protect my relationships with my clients (caring for the relationships with my clients). I don’t want there to be a reason to feel angry or resentful toward a client. That’s just not fair. When there is a late cancellation or missed session, I let my client know about the charge. I do not criticize, I do not get angry, I just hold it with objectivity and compassion. I allow the boundary to do the work.
When you express anger about a boundary being crossed, the conversation becomes about your anger, not the boundary. That doesn’t change behaviors or preserve the relationship, it just poisons the relationship. Does that make sense?
You are the person that cares the most about your boundaries. Regardless of the reason for the boundary crossing, whether the other person is “right” or “wrong” in their actions, the person responsible for upholding it is you. Because it is your limit. Getting into the right and wrong of it doesn’t help anyone.
You don’t have boundaries for fun. You have them for a reason. Because you care about your relationships and yourself. So, while you might feel anger (that is your notification that a boundary has been crossed), the way to manage that anger is to channel it into holding a boundary when you are ready to communicate directly and objectively (see tip #2).
If you are feeling like you need some support in learning what your boundaries are or how to communicate about them, let us offer you some support. Contact us.
**Disclaimer: All of this is assuming that the parties involved are not dealing with significant emotional or mental health challenges that create a threat or sense of danger on any level in the relationship**
Blissful Kids was created by a Dad who started teaching mindfulness to his son at just 6 years old. I found this website when I was looking for ways to teach my clients mindfulness strategies. I have used this website to support kids, families and …