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What a different “back to school” transition this year. Hopefully it feels a little more organized or manageable than having to suddenly switch to school online in the middle of a school year. And, I know that looking down the pike at many more months …
This comes up a lot. I get that it is confusing. How can an interaction between two people not be personal? Meaning, how can you not take what someone does or says personally??? Well, it FEELS personal. Of course. The things is, most of what …
There are so many reasons. And, so often we take it personally when someone doesn’t share. We think it means something about us.
Well, sometimes that is true. Very often, it isn’t.
We’ll talk about both sides.
There are so many factors that could contribute why someone is not sharing how they feel with you, regardless of whether the feelings are what you would consider positive (“I’m having fun with you”) or negative (“I’m feeling bothered about xyz”). So, this list is not exhaustive by any means. It’s simply meant to open your perspective.
One factor is whether or not the person is an introvert. Introverts process internally, then are ready to share. An introvert is also more likely to be private or shy, so their temperament might lend itself to not sharing about their internal world as readily.
Another factor is that this is not what they are used to in their family. Sharing feelings or what is happening inside them is just not something that occurs to them to do. It’s not part of how they are used to relating with people close to them. And, it may not be something they are even used to reflecting on, even privately.
Another contributing factor is past experiences in general. They may have had experiences in their past where they have shared and it has not been a positive experience. In fact, those experiences could have been traumatic.
Finally, it is possible that there has been someone who is incredibly emotional in their life, who shared a lot of what occurred internally and this was overwhelming. So it is something they want to avoid.
Again, this list is in no way exhaustive, simply a couple of factors to consider that help open your mind to reasons why someone might not be sharing.
Are you being present when your person is talking with you? Or are you on your phone?
Are you being open and curious?
Are you interrupting? Being critical?
Are you spending enough time with your person that is not filled with “to do”s? Meaning: is there ever space in your interactions to talk about more vulnerable topics?
Start with nice things. “I had fun with you” or “I liked when you said xyz”.
Start just building up the conversation about what is happening between you (process dialogue) instead of always talking about things other than the relationship (content dialogue).
If you want to know more about process vs content dialogue, check out our post on communication here.
Ya. Just ask your person when you are both relaxed (not in the middle of a tense moment) if there is anything that stops them from sharing their thoughts or feelings more often.
So often, this is a result of our temperament and our life experiences, not anything so personal.
And, this is workable by simply understanding your person’s natural ways and creating some safety and practices to share just a little bit more.
Contact us, we’d love to support you.
It’s one of those things, like exercising and eating healthy that you know is good for you but can be hard to do consistently, right? You know meditation and mindfulness practice has a physiological impact on your body. It supports your mental health and relationships …
Until I trained as a therapist, I never intentionally paid attention to what happens in the process of communicating with someone. Communication just happened. As I learned what process vs content meant, I realized how much information is embedded in the actual process of communication. …
The fear of intimacy.
I know. Most people have a hard time wrapping their head around the fact that people experience a fear of intimacy and a strong desire for it at the same time. What makes it even more crazy is fear that shows up in relationships and intimacy is often hidden from conscious awareness.
Author David Rico is my favorite expert on the specific fears that create the cat and mouse game you see can see to varying degrees in most romantic relationships: the fear of engulfment and the fear of abandonment. The level of commitment or longevity of the relationship do not seem to inoculate us against these fears.
Most people are familiar with the fear of abandonment.
David Richo says the fear of abandonment is “the fear that someone will go away and we will not survive it. (“Not to survive” is defined as being defenseless and resourceless)” (From his book: When Love Meets Fear: Being Defenseless and Resource-full p.122).
So, in essence, once we are attached to someone, we fear that we will not be able to make it through a separation from that person. In addition, we will respond to anything we may perceive as someone leaving, whether it is physically or emotionally.
If you tend to experience the fear of abandonment, you might perceive someone leaving even when that is not the case because you are have gotten good at trying to predict and protect against the pain of separation.
This fear is actually just as widespread and, in my experience as a therapist, seems even more difficult to notice for the person experiencing this kind of fear.
The fear of engulfment is defined as “the fear of someone getting too close” (p. 122). So, it is the fear that someone will invade our inner space, take us over in some way, or diminish who we are.
Again, this fear is triggered by someone’s perception that they are getting crowded, when that might not be the case in reality.
Both of these fears do not necessarily represent any real threat. They are fears that relate to experiences in the past, ones that already occurred because, as David Richo points out, “An adult cannot be abandoned, only left, not engulfed, only crowded” (p. 123).
As adults, even if someone leaves, we can take care of ourselves whereas a child’s survival would be compromised. If someone intrudes on us, we can speak up to create space whereas a child has to tolerate the conditions until he can find another way to survive.
David Richo says that most people experience these fears to some degree in their intimate relationships, as they are simply a condition of being in relationship with another. Also, it is possible to be on both sides of the dynamic at different times, although, you may tend toward experiencing one fear over the other.
The fear of abandonment is easily recognized since this person is the one who is often trying to fix things, will compromise themselves to hold onto their beloved, and the words they use to communicate about what is bothering them matches the fear: they do not want their person to go away.
Some of David Richo’s words to demonstrate how the fear of engulfment shows up are: aloof, harried, showing anger, entitlement, “coldness, refusals to make commitments, need for more space and more secrets, indifference, intolerance, rigid boundaries, embarrassment about affection in public” (p. 125).
The person who experiences the fear of abandonment will usually be the one to leave the relationship. That usually happens because the person who fears engulfment can tolerate the situation because they continue to run and have gotten good at it, so they don’t get engulfed…but they also don’t experience the reward of intimacy. Ultimately, the person with the abandonment fear gets fed up with fighting for the relationship, not getting their needs met and compromising themselves, so they are the one to walk away.
Another interesting point that David Richo makes is that “the fear of intimacy is directly proportional to the fear of abandonment” (p. 124). That means the person upset about their partner going away is just as afraid of their partner being close. Except, it doesn’t feel that way, so their fear of intimacy is usually masked until they choose a partner that is willing to stay present or, who experiences the fear of abandonment to a greater degree, pushing them into the fear of engulfment.
Essentially, these fears are two sides of the same coin.
David Richo says that the person experiencing engulfment fears (usually they do not experience it like fear) may have had an experience of having over protective or helicopter parents. This is part of why people will defend their parents and their childhood because it is not a question of deprivation or abuse; it is a question of too much.
Their natural human drive toward independence and growth may have been stunted and compromised by over involved parents. This causes a very unpleasant internal experience but it is hard for the conscious mind to perceive this since it does not seem like anything is “wrong” on the outside, it just feels bad inside.
Another reason people may have this fear is if parents were very critical when they got close to them. So, allowing someone to come close equals someone finding that something is wrong with you.
Another formula that seems to cause this fear is if someone had a parent who may not have been very aware of their child’s experience because they were dealing with their own overwhelming experience of addiction, domestic violence, chaos or financial struggle. So, closeness in this experience was the equivalent of being bulldozed by the parents’ needs.
In all of these scenarios, I don’t mean to suggest that parents of someone who experiences the fear of engulfment are bad, evil people. No. They are probably great people doing their very best who love their kids a lot.
We are all human who are beautiful and flawed raised by humans who are beautiful and flawed. It is our job as adults to be aware of these injuries that caused the fear and work through them so that we can love healthfully.
There is a formula that David Richo suggests: admit it out loud, stay with it for a second longer than you can stand and act as if the fear was not holding you back in that second.
That means, you let your partner have space and attend to yourself while you are afraid of them leaving or you let your partner get a little closer by holding them, sharing what you have inside or take a tiny step in committing to your relationship and breathe through it! This literally helps to rewire your nervous system and the neural pathways in the brain.
Finally, David Richo instills some hope when he says that we have a program for dealing with these fears as adults: “When you go, I grieve and let you go.” “When you get too close, I ask you to give me more room” (p. 121).
If you find yourself experiencing these fears or this dynamic in your relationships, contact us. We’d love to support you in working through it.
I have a lot to learn. And unlearn. I have been spending time this week listening, seeing and digging deep around the issues of racism, white supremacy, white fragility, what it means to practice being an ally and anti-racist. As I hope many people in …
We’ve all been through some significant life adjustments in the months of quarantine. Some of them difficult to assimilate. And, there might be a couple that you found might suit you. No matter where you are in your stance toward the pandemic, the reality is …
For most of us, life feels extra challenging right now.
One of the ways we might be experiencing this heightened struggle is in our relationship with our domestic partner. This makes sense given the increased time spent around each other in close proximity.
Little irritations and pet peeves have a way of becoming (or highlighting) the bigger issues that might otherwise go unnoticed, or possibly are easier to let go in different circumstances.
Thus, you might find yourself in a perfect storm situation.
The more urgent and necessary getting along with your partner becomes, the more anxiety you might feel to “fix” it.
While some of you might find this sounding dramatic, and to others it might be stating the obvious, I believe that we can all agree to some extent.
I wouldn’t doubt you’ve texted, made calls and Face-timed more than usual with those who are at a physical distance from you, so why is it that we neglect to communicate, or communicate directly with the person closest to us?
It’s probably because of fear. Fear of disagreement or starting an argument, fear of getting hurt, fear of vulnerability. Yet, by giving into the fear it continues to grow and we find ourselves further disconnected from our partners and hurt by the separation of intimacy that results. How do we effectively communicate? “I statements” and the “Dear Man” skill from DBT’s interpersonal effectiveness might help.
If your partner’s self care is watching old sports highlights because he can’t go to any live games, and yours is a Zoom wine date with your girlfriends, so-be-it. Neither of you are wrong.
This might mean you need to work on increasing your frustration tolerance for the times when you know your partner is just “having a day.”
It might mean your partner needs more understanding from you one day, while you need it from him/her another day.
Perhaps coming up with a mutual agreement for practicing flexibility might be helpful. If you’re having a really challenging day and need some space and the night off from cooking dinner (when it otherwise might have been your turn for meal prep and childcare), have a system in place for what that means for your partner logistically.
The challenges associated with being pushed into new situations and circumstances are what create opportunities for change and growth.
Maybe there are games you and your partner can play to learn more about each other and connect on a deeper level you wouldn’t have chosen pre-quarantine.
What are the things that you’ve discussed doing together for so long “if only you had a weekend at home together?” Get creative and be curious.
Placing a slight smile on your face (especially when your urge is to yell at your partner) and finding the joy in a situation is the quickest way to improve the mood between you and your partner.
Maybe you’ve been practicing yoga for some time and trying to convince your partner to join you in the past was impossible. Show off your yoga moves now and be open to the laughter when your partner falls over attempting to do a handstand.
While we’re all “in this this together” globally, we’re in it “together” in our individual bonds and need that connection and support more than ever when we’re in the eye of the storm.
If you are needing more support to grow through these challenging moments, contact us. We’d love to offer you support.
**Written by Nikki Eby, M.A., MFT, ATR-BC, staff therapist at One Heart Counseling Center.
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Working from home with kids is not the easiest. Especially if you haven’t spent years perfecting it! I came across this FREE resource and wanted to share it with you. It is a presentation and “how to” cheatsheet that will help you set up your …