Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
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Hard conversations make everyone sweat a little. Especially if there weren’t great examples for how to handle hard conversations growing up.
So, because they’re unpleasant, it’s tempting to try and avoid them. But ultimately, sometimes not having the conversation requires more work than actually having it.
Let’s talk about why this is true and then we’ll get into some quick tips that can make hard conversations easier to approach.
Being fake, covering up feelings and managing resentment that’s building every single time the issue comes up, actually takes up a lot of your emotional bandwidth. It can be very stressful.
Telling white lies (“yeah, we’re good”; “oh, no I was just busy that’s why I didn’t respond”) also takes up mental bandwidth. You find yourself typing then retyping messages to figure out what to say or consulting your BFF for help; and then if you give an excuse or make up something to say you have to keep up the story. It’s exhausting!
What if you just don’t want to see the person for a while? Then you’re figuring out how to not run into them and altering your timing or plans.
We’ve all been there. Now that I’m laying it out…can you see how much work is going into not having a hard conversation?
Is the conversation actually that hard that you need to do all that? Are you saving yourself some stress or creating more?
Of course, there are circumstances that may make it unsafe to have a hard conversation with someone. That does happen sometimes and if there is a possibility that it may not be safe for you, then it’s great to talk with a professional about how to deal with this situation. If you feel like it is not safe to have open dialogue with someone close to you in your life, please reach out and contact us.
Otherwise, even if nothing is going to immediately change, it’s important to practice having hard conversations. It is possible that the hard conversations you need to have now will lay the groundwork for change later.
So, what are some ways to make hard conversations less hard?
Keep the conversation short and sweet. Say the basics:
This happened or this is the circumstance.
This is how I feel about it, what’s this like for you?
Let’s talk about how we can move forward.
This could be sharing news that might not be great or it could be a repair conversation (which is when you talk through something hard that happened and you want to repair the relationship). If it’s a repair conversation, check out this post.
“Be clear and specific in your own mind about what you want to accomplish; don’t just go into the conversation with a vague negative feeling and an intention to let it out.” (Soeiro, Loren. “7 Tips for Getting Through Difficult Conversations.” Psychology Today. May 25, 2021. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/i-hear-you/202105/7-tips-getting-through-difficult-conversations)
Sometimes anxiety about a situation can make it seem more complicated but it really doesn’t have to be complex at all; you just need to express what you’re feeling. Going into the conversation with a positive mindset, knowing what you want to say and how you would like it to go can reduce anxiety.
Having a hard conversation is not something that should be rushed. Make sure it’s initiated in a moment where everyone has the time and attention to give to the conversation.
You will want everyone involved to feel relaxed and like they have the time to express what they want to say and they are not cut short.
Also, don’t drop a bomb on a text or while you’re rushing out the door.
Check out our blog post here to learn about this technique. You will need to accept the fact that it’s going to be uncomfortable leading up to it, but you can do hard things!
If you are trying to talk yourself out of having a hard conversation with someone, consider the impact if you DON’T have the conversation.
Do you really want to go on hiding and making up stories in order to avoid what really needs to happen, which is being truthful and talking it out?
Having a difficult conversation is a way to grow as a person and to strengthen your relationships with others.
It may not be easy but it is necessary for your peace of mind and to move forward. If you need help navigating a difficult conversation or relationship, contact us today.
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I’m sure you’ve had the experience in your life of wishing someone would change. It can bring up a lot of anger and conflict. Maybe you’ve even felt powerless to change things for yourself. There are lots of reasons people don’t change.
Let’s talk about a few to open up space and realize that other people not changing is not about whether or not they love you and the reason you don’t change isn’t as simple as “they don’t have the willpower”.
Licensed psychotherapist, Whitney Goodman (@sitwithwhit), shares eleven reasons why a person why change, here are three that we think are the most common:
Change is hard. If you don’t have resources to help you understand what you need to change and how you can do it, or someone to support you when you are going through the process, then change is even harder.
It’s helpful to start with getting to the root cause of why you think and behave the way they do. Getting to the root cause usually requires assistance from a professional. And, sometimes people don’t think therapy is for them, are skeptical of its value or are unsure if it will actually help.
A therapist works with you to identify what is contributing to your thought patterns and what your triggers are. “Before attempting to change what you think it’s a bad habit, it’s important to understand why you do it. This will help you sustain the change.” (“Can Someone Really Change their Behaviors, Traits, and Habits?”. psychcentral.com. September 26, 2022. www.psychcentral.com/blog/can-people-really-change)
In addition to tapping into professional resources, it’s important to have support from people in your life. Having someone who will listen to you, encourage you and give you feedback will be like having a safety net to keep you from hitting the ground and giving up when it gets hard. And, if someone doesn’t want to share that they are in therapy or their loved ones wouldn’t support that, it makes accessing that resource even more difficult.
Knowing you have people in your corner who will be there for you no matter what, can give you the courage to change. Without that support you may always be afraid to go all in and commit to change.
When you get used to something it becomes normal and comforting. Changing your normal, whether it’s your environment, your thinking patterns or your behavior, comes with uncertainty because you don’t know what effect that change will have. And with uncertainty comes fear.
We tend to prefer a predictable outcome that is negative over an uncertain outcome.
“Our fear of change is based on stories—both real and the imagined ones we tell ourselves.” (Razzetti, Gustavo. “How to Overcome the Fear of Change”. psychologytoday.com. September 18,2018. www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-adaptive-mind/201809/how-overcome-the-fear-change)
It’s easy to speculate and convince yourself that you have no control and that there is something to fear on the other side of the changes you are making. There can also be pressure to be perfect and without knowing exactly what the end result will be, you may be afraid that you will make a mistake or make things worse than they are.
Even if your behavior is negative and causing problems, it may be true that you are getting something out of it so you don’t want to change. For example, lashing out at others may make you feel safe because you are keeping them at arms length and not allowing them to get close enough to hurt you. Therefore, you are getting something out of your negative behavior: you are protecting yourself.
This may mean you kinda like the way things are and are content to just keep doing what you are doing. “…the individual may not realize there’s a need for change. Maybe they lack the insight to understand how the behavior or attitude is affecting their lives.” (“Can Someone Really Change their Behaviors, Traits, and Habits?”. psychcentral.com. September 26, 2022. www.psychcentral.com/blog/can-people-really-change).
Once you start to realize the negative impact that your thoughts or behaviors are having on your relationships or your life in general, you may no longer be content and be motivated to change.
People can change but just because they can doesn’t mean they will. Even when someone wants to change their behaviors and they attempt to do so, it’s very easy to slip back into old habits.
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The first part of therapy is getting the lay of the land. You are getting to know and trust your therapist and your therapist is getting to know you.
As a therapist gets to know you, of course, there’s the importance of gathering information about the problem that brings you to therapy, as well as your history so that what’s happening now has some context.
Your therapist is also starting to understand how to best ask questions and support you. Some people do much better with sharing about themselves freely and getting feedback, other people might not know where to start and require more structure and direction.
During this time, there’s also the fact that you are looking for some relief for whatever is bringing you to therapy. So your therapist might offer insights, strategies or skills to try, in order to help you start finding a way to get some relief. The relief is important so that you have the bandwidth to do some of the deeper work.
The deeper work is the work you do so that the changes you make over the course of therapy can actually last rather than just being a bandaid.
It’s good to do a check in about goals, how things are going, what you might want more or less of at this point. The relationship you have with a therapist is a relationship like any other, it requires mindful communication to be successful.
This is also really important because it is an opportunity to practice having a direct dialogue about what’s happening in a relationship with someone who knows how to have that kind of conversation. Most of the time, when we have conversations with people in our life about how things are going, it’s anxiety producing and it’s usually about a problem so talking about how the therapeutic relationship is going is incredibly valuable practice. If your therapist asks you about how you feel therapy is going or whether you’re feeling understood and your needs are being met, be honest. You’re not hurting anyone’s feelings, this is the work.
Another thing that might start to happen as you get into the deeper work and you settle into therapy, is that you start seeing things you never saw before: things about yourself, your relationships, your work, your history. This happens because there is someone there who is trained to reflect back without bias and who has an education on human development and family dynamics, who is there to witness your experience and help you look at it.
You might feel like things get a little worse right here. Nothing is getting worse, you’re just seeing more clearly. It’s as if you’re taking objective stock of what’s going on and what has happened. This gives you the opportunity to realistically see the cards you’re dealing with so you can play your hand in the best way possible.
As things are coming to light, hang in there. This is when the real shifts and healing start to happen.
I would say, as long as you feel comfortable with your therapist try to stay in weekly therapy for at least 3 months. This gives enough time for you to really see if it’s working for you.
Three months gives you enough time to start implementing and practicing the things you learn after you get a sense of the cards you’re holding. At that 3 month mark, check in, talk to your therapist about your goals, ask for feedback on progress toward those goals and what to do more or less of.
It’s important to give therapy a fair trial because you don’t want to try therapy for 3 sessions and give up because it wasn’t a good fit with your therapist, or you got triggered, or it was hard…and then think “therapy doesn’t work”. That would be like going to three workouts and saying you don’t have your dream body yet so working out is for the birds. LOL!
If you want to be successful in therapy you have to put in the work. We’ve published some great posts about this. Check out this one and this one to learn more.
If you have a child, teen or are a couple starting therapy, click on the word that pertains to you for more specific guidance on how to be most successful in those situations.
It won’t be easy, but if you can get into it with a willingness to learn about yourself and be open to change, the progress you see over time can be life changing.
Ghosting your therapist is an option, but I wouldn’t recommend it. The relationship with your therapist is a laboratory where you can safely practice skills that you need for successful relationships outside of therapy.
So if relationship and communication skills is one of the things you’ve been working on in therapy, consider this your time to put the skills you’ve learned to the test. Of course, this will be easier if you and your therapist have had clear communication on progress toward your goals throughout therapy.
You’re not there to protect your therapists’ feelings, so if you feel like you’ve met your goals or reached a stopping point for now, bring it to your therapist. Make a plan.
It might mean you go down in frequency of sessions so you can practice skills in between and troubleshoot or refine once a month. It might mean knowing that you can come back anytime.
Having a clear conversation will make it easier for you to re-enter the relationship later. Your therapist will always welcome you back, but you might have resistance to reaching out for support if you don’t feel proud of how you ended things.
What I find is that the most successful clients in therapy like to stay once they’re reached their initial goals because they see how effective their investment can be, so they make the support a long term staple of their self care practice.
If you’ve read self development books, been to therapy, studied psychology or follow emotional intelligence, therapy or trauma informed accounts on social media, chances are you’ve developed a good deal of self awareness about your “stuff”. We’ve all been handed experiences or circumstances in our …