Therapy grounded in real inner work and genuine human connection.
Sibling fighting can happen year round but it can go through the roof during the summer. But this shouldn’t surprise you. They are together all the time and don’t get a break from each other like they do the rest of the year when they …
Social media and the internet can be super helpful resources when it comes to building awareness, destigmatizing and educating about mental health. AND, of course, there can be a lot of misinformation because literally anyone can say anything on the internet. So let’s take a …
Of course, if you ask anyone, no one would tell you they want to be depressed or that they like to be depressed. And, even though you might not “like” being depressed, there’s a covert coziness to it. This is why when people say: “get out and do something, talk to your friends, exercise, etc., etc., etc.” to someone who is depressed, it can be irritating AF and push them deeper into the hole (which can be strangely comfortable).
The thing about depression is that there is a stop energy to it, it’s like a heavy blanket on top of you. With this, what we find is that trying to push someone or pull someone out from under that heaviness can have the effect of sending them deeper into the quicksand of depression.
The best way to start to work with depressive feelings is to allow it. This seems crazy, but if you think about moving with it to loosen the grip of it, instead of against it, it makes more sense.
Let’s talk about 3 reasons being depressed can be comfortable.
Reason #1: It’s easier on your mind
It seems like being depressed might include intense emotions, but it’s actually a numbing mechanism. There’s probably a lot of negative thoughts, but you’re likely not contacting or completing emotions. When you stay in your head with all the spiraling thoughts, there isn’t a lot of feeling, so there’s the “relief” of not feeling. Your system is in shut down mode, and you are conserving energy.
The thought of having to start your system back up and use the energy it takes to feel your real emotions can be overwhelming, so you stay in that depressed place that has become a space that is familiar. Familiar = comfortable.
Reason #2: Depression can reinforce negative beliefs you have about yourself and the world.
Maybe these negative beliefs are old, which means there has been a lot of reinforcement for them. The neural pathways for those beliefs are well worn, so it’s less effort for the brain to fire those pathways. This also conserves energy.
You may realize that the negative beliefs are not true, but coming to terms with what is really true may require you to change other things in your life, and that feels like too much to take on.
For example: if an old belief is that you don’t deserve love, but you know that’s not true, you might have to dismantle some defense mechanisms that keep people away. This will make you feel vulnerable. All of this requires energy.
Creating positive change would be building ‘new pathways’, it would require effort and energy and when you’re depressed, it feels like exerting effort or finding energy is impossible. So it feels easier (more comfortable) to continue reinforcing negative beliefs.
Reason # 3: Depression leads to isolation, which can feel safer, even though you feel more lonely.
People who are depressed sometimes feel like they have nothing to contribute, are a burden, and don’t want to subject themselves to feeling worse. Just being around others who aren’t depressed, feeling the distance between where “normal people” are and where you are, can feel bad. Add to that, most people will try to give you advice that is largely unhelpful (Like: you just need to get out and do something).
Social interactions can be hard for everyone, whether they struggle with depression or not. When you put yourself in social situations you could be judged by others or feel like you have to live up to certain social expectations. By avoiding other people and isolating, you are minimizing the risk of being judged or letting yourself or other people down.
Becoming comfortable in your depression can keep you stuck there for a long period of time. Ultimately, depression isn’t something you can force yourself out of, it requires compassion. It requires meeting you where you’re at and that is exactly what we can do. We will meet you where you are and then we can find our way toward more lightness and wellness together, one step at a time. Contact us.
Emotional neglect can have a significant effect on a person’s life. The neglect may occur in childhood, however, the emotional and psychological impact can last for a very long time and show up in a variety of ways; especially because neglect isn’t always obvious. You …
Investing in understanding the way your teen works will help you know how to support your teen, so let’s talk about that a little. The emotional development and emotional needs of a teen are complex and very different than that of adults. But if you …
Are you the person everyone goes to to talk about their issues? Do people start telling you their life story out of nowhere?
If you’re that person, you probably have natural gifts that help you be empathetic + supportive. But you might also experience a lot of frustration when you’ve spent your time + energy trying to support someone and they don’t take any of your advice.
Let’s cut down your workload in relationships and conserve some of that energy, and make your efforts more effective. Here are some things you can do instead of giving advice.
When someone shares information with you about their life, their issues or a problem they are facing, your natural instinct is probably to help them in some way. It seems like the person wants a solution or ideas to make their situation better, so you get to work doing just that. However, most of the time, the person just wants to vent. Getting their emotions out by talking about it is the only help they may need. Are there times when a person is seeking advice or ideas on what to do? Yes. But unless they specifically ask for it, it may be best to just allow them the time and space to verbally release the emotions by just being a listening ear.
Listening without judgment means you have less of an emotional investment, so you don’t get frustrated by offering advice or help that is ignored.
If you sense that they might want feedback, you can also directly ask: is it most helpful if i just listen or do you want reflections?
It’s natural to try to put a positive spin on a negative situation, which is why you may be inclined to always tell people to “look on the bright side” and point out what good can come out of the situation. Although this seems like a good strategy that can be helpful, it could make the person think you are invalidating their feelings. This is called toxic positivity and you can find more info on this from one of our previous blog posts HERE.
A better approach can be to listen and acknowledge the person’s pain. Negative emotions are normal and it’s not a bad thing to experience them or point them out when you or someone else is going through them. When you simply acknowledge a person’s pain without trying to put a positive spin on it, you are validating their feelings and letting them know it’s okay to feel what they are feeling because it is natural.
Good examples would be: “that’s hard”, “I would be frustrated too”, “Totally makes sense that you feel that way”
It can be easy for a person to get stuck and keep replaying or reliving a bad situation because they do not feel seen or heard, or they feel bad about what has happened and think they are at fault.
“Human behavior is extremely predictable. We all want to be seen and heard. We want to know we’re “good” and we subconsciously deeply want to stay in our familiar (even if it’s miserable) because this is where we feel most safe.” (LePera, Nicole [the.holistic.psychologist]. “People don’t want advice…they want to be heard and validated” *Instagram, March 9, 2024. https://www.instagram.com/p/C4TUgCSROUq/?igsh=ZDE1MWVjZGVmZQ==)
This can lead to a cycle that’s hard to break out of and you could also get sucked into replaying or reliving the situation in an effort to help them make it right.
People need support and encouragement to keep going and move forward. It may not look like providing advice or solutions to the problem, but simply encouragement to deal with the situation the best they know how and take the necessary steps to put it behind them.
Resist the temptation to “fix it” for them and just be there to listen and validate their feelings.
It may feel good to know that the people in your life trust you enough to bring their problems to you, but it can be hard to be the “go-to” person for others. It can be draining and helping others should not have a negative impact on your own mental health.
If you find yourself supporting everyone else, who is supporting you? Our therapists can help you bring your relationships back into balance so that you can enjoy your relationships AND have space and time for you.
It’s common for people to use the words nice and kind interchangeably because they think they mean the same thing. But it’s possible to be one and not the other. You may think in order to be nice you have to always agree with people …
There’s a lot of advice about not bottling up your emotions, being vulnerable and telling people how you feel. But when does this cross the line into emotional dumping? Here are 3 signs of emotional dumping and what to do instead: 1 – Talking about …
Postpartum depression is really well known but postpartum anxiety isn’t talked about as much. So let’s break this down.
As a new mom you may feel tense or anxious in the beginning because being responsible for a human life can be overwhelming. Yes, you also feel joy and love too, but when the anxious feelings start to be constant and it affects your sleep, your relationships and your ability to bond with your baby, then you may be experiencing postpartum anxiety.
These symptoms can occur within a year of giving birth and could happen as a part of postpartum depression, or separately.
There is not one specific thing that causes postpartum anxiety, there are lots of things that can contribute to it. As you know, hormone changes are occurring during and after pregnancy and that can obviously trigger mood and emotional changes. Other factors might include lack of sleep, stress on your body (from childbirth or breastfeeding), lack of support system, history of anxiety, etc.
The reason it happens is not as important as recognizing the signs and addressing it.
Postpartum anxiety typically includes a lot of worrying, about the baby and worrying in general.
According to GoodRX Health, Besides nonstop, disruptive worries, you might have other feelings like:
Postpartum anxiety can also cause physical symptoms, including:
(Jones, Melody B. “How to Know When New Parent Worries Are Postpartum Anxiety (and When to Get Help)”. GoodRxHealth. September 14, 2022.https://www.goodrx.com/conditions/pregnancy/postpartum-anxiety)
These symptoms may not start immediately, they could happen later as your responsibilities change or increase, like when you start getting out of the house and socializing again, or when you go back to work.
Changing up your regular routine/daily activities can help with postpartum anxiety. Things such as incorporating regular exercise, meditation, getting help with household chores so you can take more breaks, getting more sleep, or eating a healthy diet.
Perinatal therapy can be helpful to address emotional/mental health challenges that arise before and after giving birth. We discussed more about this specific therapy in a previous post HERE.
If making some of these changes doesn’t seem to help, it’s important to talk with your healthcare provider to see if they recommend medication or some other type of treatment. You want what is best for your baby and that is a healthy mom, so be honest with your loved ones and your doctor about what you are feeling so you can get the help you need.
If you are experiencing postpartum anxiety and feel that it is time to reach out for help, contact us.
When you think of someone who is emotionally strong you may think that nothing bothers them or that they never struggle when they encounter hard situations in their life; but that’s not always true. Being emotionally strong does not mean a person is stone cold …